Dongwoo’s and Howon’s worst fight happens when Infinite is coming back with The Chaser.

Perhaps it was about time, really. The couple hadn’t been rocked by any major quarrels or serious disagreements ever since they first got together, the worst of the lot maybe being a few typical lovers quarrels or tiffs that often resulted in Howon getting an earful from their makeup noonas the next day about stupid purple bitemarks and hickeys (and a giggling Dongwoo off to the side).

Neither of the boys know how it really happened. But Howon thinks it wasn’t some sudden, instant lashing out of anger but, rather, a slow build-up of insecurity and hurt (on his part) that finally led to some screaming and a lot of tears one night in the dorms.

Ever since their big break with Be Mine, Infinite had skyrocketed to fame and popularity. They’re now often called to participate in music festivals and concerts and to star in variety programs, radio broadcasts and a whole host of other shows. The recognition tastes like sweet success, and the members are all hyped up and proud that their sunbaes are now treating them with much more respect and admiration, all excited at being offered to star in dramas or to take up modelling gigs for various companies.

Everyone is happy when Myungsoo gets his big break in Japan, everyone is proud when Sungyeol gets his first role in a drama, and everyone is ecstatic when Woohyun lands a spot in Immortal Song 2. Sunggyu and Sungjong are called to join a whole myriad of variety shows, and Dongwoo is always being admired by (female) sunbaes and hoobaes for his quirkiness and cuteness and manliness all rolled into one.

And Howon is left feeling a little too unwanted and old and boring.

He knows that he can’t act like Myungsoo and Sungyeol, he knows that he can’t sing like Woohyun, he knows that he doesn’t have striking and memorable personalities like Sunggyu and Sungjong. Howon knows that he isn’t as fun and adorable and energetic as Dongwoo, knows that even though many people refer to him as Infinite’s ‘triple threat’ and praise him for his rapping and dancing skills that that’s all he’s ever going to be.

There’s nothing that distinguishes Hoya from the rest of his bandmates, from himself, and Howon doesn’t know what to do.

What’s worse is how even Dongwoo- even his loving, perfect boyfriend Dongwoo- seems to be drifting away from him, seems to be slipping through his fingers.

Howon remembers the first time all the insecurities started taking root in his mind and in his heart. They were backstage at Music Bank and Dongwoo was busy attacking his cheeks and neck with kisses when there was a knock at the door and Sunggyu had to pull Dongwoo off of Howon before the SNSD sunbaes could see the two of them wrapped all around each other. Sunggyu had shot them both looks that said control yourselves before gathering the group together to greet their sunbaes.

The SNSD sunbaes were nice and girly and sweet, Howon wouldn’t lie. They congratulated them on their success, praised them for their talents and asked about how they were. Sunggyu’s face was flaming as the girls kept cooing at him about how amazing he was to be able to lead and take care of six wonderful boys, Woohyun was busy being affectionate to all the members so that their sunbaes would see how tight and bonded they all were, and Sungjong had them all wrapped around his little finger in ten seconds flat once he had opened his mouth and they had heard his shy, cute voice. Myungsoo just being Myungsoo was enough to garner lots of excited chatter and smitten smiles, and Sungyeol’s lost and confused expressions and reserved mannerisms made the SNSD sunbaes call out to him sweetly. Dongwoo’s unique laughter and bright smiles and eagerness charmed everyone in the room, too.

And then there was Howon.

Howon didn’t know what to do. All he knew about being Hoya remained on stage, lay in his singing and dancing and rapping, and shone through in Hoya’s fierceness and cocky wit on variety shows. But offstage, when Howon still needed to be Hoya, Howon didn’t know how to be him.

All he knew was Howon, and Howon was the shy, timid and typical boy-next-door from Busan, not the dashing heartthrob of superstar boy band Infinite.

So after his first greetings and awkward smiles, no one really cast him a second glance.

Howon was ready to take refuge beside Sungyeol since he looked almost as uncomfortable as him (of course, everyone knew why. Sungyeol had always had a slight inferiority complex that amplified itself in front of strangers and sunbaes), but then Myungsoo is slipping a hand into Sungyeol’s from where he’s sitting on one of the couches in their dressing room and tugging the older boy down and Howon is left standing there, uncomfortable and very much confused, like what’s with Myungsoo’s sudden clinginess and protectiveness around Sungyeol?

Howon brings one hand up to rub at his left arm and his heart yearns to be with Dongwoo, even if said boy is sitting a mere metre away from him, because Dongwoo is Howon’s better half, and even a mere metre seems like a chasm when Howon is lost and doesn’t know what do, doesn’t know how to include himself into the conversation, doesn’t know how to be Hoya. Dongwoo was always the one coaching him and encouraging him to maintain Hoya’s confidence and charm whenever he needed to, and without Dongwoo, Hoya (and Howon) were both truly lost.

Howon senses the little conversation drawing to a close when spontaneous Hyoyeon asks them if they have any girlfriends, or girls that they fancy. All at once random names are being thrown about and Howon hears a mix of whines and protests from the guys, and girlish laughter and squeals from the girls. Taeyeon seems to notice Howon’s silence (and maybe, Howon thinks, it’s a leader thing to have a sixth sense) and directs the question at him, and Howon smiles softly and glances over at Dongwoo, even if his boyfriend is busy laughing with Sooyoung and Tiffany and says, softly, yes, laughing off all the curious questions directed at him after.

And then Jessica turns her gaze onto Dongwoo and asks him if he has someone special, or someone that he likes. Dongwoo’s face goes red, and all the SNSD sunbaes are prodding him and poking him and Infinite is laughing noisily, slanting knowing looks at Howon who wants to melt into the armrest he’s perched on at Sunggyu’s side.

And then Dongwoo laughs, that uninhibited, beautiful laugh that Howon has come to love so much, and says, “No, not at all.”

Howon nearly tips off the armrest.

Sunggyu catches his wrist just in time and casts him a look that reads don’t worry, he’s saying this to make them happy, just laugh it off, but Howon just can’t.

All he can do is watch on as the SNSD sunbaes pinch Dongwoo’s cheeks and touch his blue hair curiously, watch as Dongwoo laughs happily at their attention and compliments.

He knows it’s stupid, really. He knows that there was no way Dongwoo could have declared his love for Howon to the SNSD sunbaes, but it would have been nice if he could have just said that he liked someone, too.

That night, for the first time in the longest time, Dongwoo doesn’t crawl into Howon’s bed in the middle of the night and curl himself around him like he’s been doing since they got together, and Howon’s heart lurches.

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