A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the wait! The school term’s just ended, so I’m updating now (I think this is a long chapter, heh). There’s some Myungyeol here and it’s really just word vomit but I hope you guys like it :)

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Things just get worse from there.

Everytime Infinite encounters sunbaes like Super Junior or hoobaes like Teen Top and A-Pink, Dongwoo seems to detach himself from Howon’s side completely as he gets showered with love and attention and compliments, like your rapping is amazing, man (Hyukjae), hyung, maybe one day we could do a collaboration (Byunghun), or oppa, you’re really the best (Naeun).

And Howon just gets crap- comments and questions like is Hoya your real name or just your stage name, or what’s your role in Infinite, or how old are you, and it so bad because all his bandmates seem to be really good at this, seem to be able to please their sunbaes and reach out to their hoobaes and gain them popularity but Howon is just Howon, plain and simple and boring, and he doesn’t know how to make himself useful offstage like he is onstage, and even his managers have called him out on this and instructed him to be more alive and bubbly and approachable. And all Howon really wants (and needs) is to pour out all his worries to Dongwoo, but even Dongwoo hyung seems to be getting bored of me lately, too.

Howon snaps one Saturday evening in the dorms.

He’s just staring into space alone on his bunk, probably the only one in the dorms because their manager had brought him back immediately after Inkigayo had ended and sat him down in the living room for a long talk about how his energy was too lackluster and how he wasn’t interacting with other idol groups enough and how popularity for Infinite was extremely crucial and he needed to be more proactive in helping out, and Howon wanted to kick their coffee table over because my life, I want to help, but nobody is telling me how, and it’s not my fault I’m not as sociable and energetic as the rest of them, but he just nods dumbly and apologises repeatedly for not trying hard enough and watches as their manager sighs and leaves him to himself.

His thoughts are off to Dongwoo again, and he’s back to feeling lonely and depressed when he remembers how distant Dongwoo seems to be nowadays. Howon’s heart twists in pain when he remembers the time he walked into the dressing room to see some of their A-Pink hoobaes crowded around Dongwoo and touching his shoulders and arms, to see Dongwoo laughing along with them and fiddling with the sparkling clips and ribbons in their hair. Howon remembers jealousy clouding his mind and heart when he saw Teen Top’s maknae lean his head playfully on Dongwoo’s shoulder and Dongwoo throw an arm around him, like how he always did with Howon. And probably the worst of them all was that one time when Howon really just needed his Jang Dongwoo and had wound both arms around Dongwoo’s waist and rested his cheek against Dongwoo’s sturdy back and inhaled that familiar smell of Dongwoo that he had missed so much, only to feel Dongwoo tense and squirm in his hold. Howon had recoiled immediately, hurt and rejection flashing across his face at the memories of the times when Dongwoo would lean back into his chest or turn his head slightly to send him the most affectionate of smiles, but then Dongwoo was off bowing to U-KISS and giving the members warm hugs, leaving Howon to be tugged gently away by a quietly observant Myungsoo.

Howon’s head drops and he feels his heart crumbling because he doesn't know what he did, doesn’t know what he didn’t do, doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to be Hoya, and doesn’t know how to get his boyfriend back.

Then there’s a knock on the door. But before Howon can even ask who it is, the door flings open and Howon sees a blur of unnaturally long limbs before a body lands right on top of his. Howon’s head knocks the bedframe and he hisses in pain.

“Ow, , Lee Sungyeol, get off of me,” Howon struggles underneath his bandmate and Sungyeol giggles and pushes himself up. His brown eyes are sparkling and his smile is glittering and he’s radiating with so much energy and happiness that Howon’s so afraid he’ll spontaneously combust.

“Uh, what’s up- ”

“Myungsoo asked me out!” Sungyeol blurts.

Howon’s eyes widen and some incoherent sounds squeak from his vocal chords. He clears his throat and forces a smile onto his face, patting Sungyeol affectionately on the head.

“Congratulations, Yeol, I hope you two will be happy,” Howon says, pinching his dongsaeng’s cheeks a little.

Sungyeol’s grin gets impossibly wider and softer as he shifts closer to Howon and rests his head on Howon’s lap, looking up at the ceiling, eyes twinkling. “I’m so happy, hyung. I’ve always loved Myungsoo. Maybe I just never realised what kind of love it was, but I know that whenever he’s with me, I’m just so, so happy.”

Howon’s fingers go to play with Sungyeol’s hair, and he hums along to Sungyeol’s words, his heart torn between feeling happy for his dongsaeng and heartbreakingly nostalgic at how all this reminds him of when he and Dongwoo first got together- the sparkling, lovesick eyes, and the boundless happiness and affection.

Howon smiles a little at those memories, “How so?” He asks Sungyeol, and the younger is more than willing to continue.

Sungyeol’s eyes are bright like a little boy’s and it’s so endearing and so precious that Howon wants to cry, because he swears he once looked like that, too. “I don’t know, hyung. It’s everything about Myungsoo. His eyes when he laughs, his smile when he’s genuinely happy, his nose when it’s all red during winter, and even his short temper and cold facade and all those little arguments we have. I love each and every thing about him, hyung, oh, and how he likes vanilla ice cream on hot summer days, and watermelon when the weather’s too dry.”

Howon chuckles at some of the things Sungyeol says and listens on as the younger boy continues, and even though he knows he’s so pathetic for trying to remember how things used to be for him and Dongwoo through Sungyeol’s love for Myungsoo, he wants to remember.

“Are you afraid that Myungsoo will stop loving you?” Howon asks softly, and his eyes flicker up to the bedroom door and he sees Myungsoo peeking in, leaning against the wall outside. Sungyeol doesn’t notice and hums in thought, then smiles again, but this time, it’s a sad smile.

“Of course I am. Look at me, hyung. Myungsoo’s perfect and Myungsoo’s beautiful, and I’m too tall and too awkward and too childish, and I can’t sing and dance and rap like the rest of you can,” Howon wants to interrupt, but Sungyeol just continues on, “and I’ll always be afraid that Myungsoo might leave me one day for someone better, so that he doesn’t have to be the better half, so that he can find his better half.”

Sungyeol’s words hit home for Howon. This is exactly how he feels about himself and Dongwoo. 

“But that’s what love does to you, right?” Sungyeol shifts slightly and sits up, facing Howon directly. “It makes you take risks and do stupid things. I won’t deny that I’m not afraid, heck, I might always be doubting myself and my worth for Myungsoo. But I love him, hyung, and I have a feeling I’ll always love him, even if he stops loving me. And I’ll always fight for him, hyung, I don’t want to lose him.” Sungyeol finishes, and his smile is sad but his eyes are strong and loving, and Howon knows that that’s exactly what he feels for Dongwoo. Even if his boyfriend gives up on him for someone better, Howon will always love him, and Howon won’t stop fighting for him, because, well, I love him.

Someone knocks at the door and Howon doesn’t even need to look up to know that it’s Myungsoo. Sungyeol turns and his eyes light up at the sight of Myungsoo, and Howon watches on affectionately as Myungsoo gazes at Sungyeol like he’s the only thing that matters to him in this room, in this world.

“Ready to go?” Myungsoo asks his boyfriend softly.

Sungyeol nods and leaps up, giving Howon a brotherly hug, “We’re going out for a drink, want to come?”

Howon just laughs and shakes his head, and Sungyeol pouts a little but flashes Howon one last grin as Myungsoo laces their fingers together. “I hope Myungsoo and I will become like you and Dongwoo hyung someday. See you, hyung!” Myungsoo mouths a quick thank you to Howon, who rolls his eyes and waves them off.

Howon gets up and leans against his doorframe as he watches Myungsoo and Sungyeol get ready to leave at the door. Sungyeol stands after tying his shoes and Myungsoo gingerly wraps a gray scarf around Sungyeol’s neck, adjusting it so it rests snugly against the latter’s skin. He smiles softly when he hears Sungyeol whine about it, and Myungsoo’s quiet reply of I don’t want you to get cold, Yeol, and a kiss to Sungyeol’s lips causes the older boy to blush a bright shade of pink. Myungsoo subtly tangles their fingers together before pushing the door open, and they leave.

Howon spends the next hour thinking about everything Sungyeol said, and everything Myungsoo did, and when Dongwoo comes back to the dorms alone a few minutes past eight, Howon knows he’s going to wear his heart on his sleeve if it gets Dongwoo to come back to him, because Howon loves him, and he doesn’t want to lose him.

“Howon,” Dongwoo starts, slowly.

Howon gets up, “Hyung, we need to talk.”

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