Disgust. That was it. Daehyun was disgusted with himself. Just like how he was disgusted by Youngjae because the younger was a mirror version of himself.

He hated the younger vocalist's fragility, the way his spirit was so easily breakable.  It wasn't Daehyun's fault that Youngjae was bulimic now, was it? It wasn't his fault that no else but him noticed, it wasn't his fault that Youngjae was vulnerable, it wasn't his fault that he knew and attacked the other's weaknesses and flaws. He was simply taking the upper hand. Surely there was nothing wrong about that. It was survival of the fittest, after all. Daehyun concluded that if the younger couldn’t handle him, then how the hell was he supposed to handle the rest of the world?

Everyone painted him out to be the bad guy, but was he really to be blamed? Sure, Daehyun instigated some things by using derogatory terms on the younger, but then again, Youngjae had a choice. He didn't necessarily have to submit to Daehyun's fiery touches and lips trailing down his jaw and to his neck. Youngjae could have stopped Daehyun if he really wanted to, so the blame wasn't fully on Daehyun's shoulders.

In fact, Daehyun was sure he was doing the other a favor. He was merely showing Youngjae how ugly the world truly was. That the phrase ‘it gets better’ was really just a load of bull.

He clutched onto the rugged wall, trying to find some leverage as the same voice echoed in his head incessantly.

You’ll never be good enough, Daehyun. Give it up.
You really think you’ll make it that  far?
That’s ing hilarious! You? A singer?!

It was the same thing every single time.

Daehyun didn't want anyone to see him like this. Tipsy, stumbling, weak. He had shuffled past that stage in his life, right? It wasn't fair for him to have to live through it again. He was strong, now. He was no longer the spineless, pathetic little boy who cried about everything. That person was gone, wasn't it? This was the new Daehyun. Confident, capable, and mysteriously charming. This Daehyun was perfect, the envy of practically all the people within his vicinity. This Daehyun didn't need anyone. He didn't need family, or friends, or phonies who acted like his friends once he became famous and all. He sure as hell didn’t need more of that bull to come along and ruin his life again. Nobody had any idea how hard worked to be so perfect that no one could ever shove into his face that he was useless. If he managed to soldier his way through the years without them before, he could do it again. Because, aren’t things always supposed to be a little less painful the second time?

His surroundings were a distorted mass of colors, lights of various intensities shining down onto his tan face despite the tenebrous atmosphere of the building he was trying, with great difficulty, to escape from. Slim arms wrapped around his toned waist, holding him back. A tongue clashed with his, the intoxicating taste of strawberries and alcohol lingering on his tongue as nails gingerly scratched his bare neck and thick lashes fluttered lightly over his cheek. Like a coward, he wanted to move away from the uncomfortable situation. Daehyun wanted to hide, to cry, to shout and yell for someone to come save him from the destruction he had put on himself. He didn't want this. But, he couldn't stop. It felt oh so wrong, but he couldn't cast her aside. In a way, Daehyun practically offered himself up to the woman on a silver platter. He wasn't extremely drunk, to be honest, having only downed a medium-sized drink or two, so he couldn't blame the alcohol. Not that he wouldn’t blame it, though.

Either way, Daehyun couldn't stop the stunning, yet familiar stranger from slipping some kind of pill into his mouth, using her tongue expertly to coax him into swallowing it. In that moment, time froze and Daehyun had forgotten how to do anything. The feeling was too overwhelming for him to take in all at once, despite this not being the first time he did it. The woman leaned away and at her lips, ruby dress hugging her curves in a way that any man in their right mind would find y and enticing. She winked at the dazed teen before strolling into the mass of bodies grinding each other on the dance floor, calling out a string of words Daehyun could no longer comprehend.

One minute he was inside the stuffy club, the next, he was gulping in the fresh air of the icy, evening wind.

There was an uncomfortable churning in his stomach and Daehyun found his hands grasping the rugged surface of the alley wall in a feeble attempt to regain his composure. The teen staggered forward, dropping limply on his arms and knees in the filthy alley floor, throwing up the food he devoured not too long ago. He vaguely remembered the prayer he muttered while crawling back up to his feet, wiping his mouth messily with the sleeve of his grey sweater. All he remembered were the row of  lights that guided him home.

A slap woke the Busan boy up from his daydream. The tingling sting from the harsh contact lingered on his cheek as he registered the sounds of sobs around him. He looked down at Himchan who had his knees up to his violently heaving chest, then at Jongup who was holding Junhong tightly in his arms, then at Yongguk. And for some reason, a pang of hurt caused Daehyun to crush the fabric of his sweater covering his chest in his fist.

Daehyun knew that face. The disappointment in the leader's eyes was more than apparent to where Daehyun couldn’t help but look away. He still felt a little giddy, the effects of the drug not fully out of his system yet. Crouching down to Himchan's level, the older vocalist grinned lazily at the crying man in front of him and poked his cheek.

"Hi-Himchannie-hyung. Don't cry. Do-" his was yanked roughly, causing Daehyun to fall into Himchan's comfortable embrace. He could feel the second eldest’s chest heave and warm hands holding him in place. “I-I I’m...sorry. Channie-hyung?”

“Himchan. Let him go,” Yongguk reasoned with the second oldest, telling him that Daehyun needed time to regain proper consciousness. “Come on. Himchan? Himchan. Let him-”

“I can’t let him go okay, Yongguk?! I can’t!” Himchan snapped through his tears, holding the now crying Daehyun closer to his chest in an effort to protect him. “I let go of him once and look at what happened?! Just look!”

Yongguk took a step back, nodding in understanding. He turned away and headed towards the two maknaes who were crying and holding each other for comfort. He opened his arms for the two of them, and right away, the two youngest scrambled into his embrace. Handling the two with care, Yongguk led them back to their rooms, reassuring them that everything will be alright eventually. That their Daehyunnie-hyung’s only going through a phase and that he’ll come back to them all when the time is right.

The leader tucked the two into bed, both of them sharing the same bed tonight because they couldn’t help but be afraid.

“Why?” Yongguk asked, sitting on the edge of the bed as only Junhong’s eyes peeking from beneath the blanket because Jongup had already fallen fast asleep.

“Because what if you’re wrong? What if Daehyun-hyung doesn’t come back? What if he forgets that we need him as much as he needs us? What do we do then?”

Once again, Yongguk didn’t have an answer. So he sat there for a time, trying to come up with an answer to convince himself and the youngest.

“I don’t know.”

By time he managed to voice out those three words, Junhong had fallen asleep and Yongguk was glad that he didn’t have to ruin the little hope that the maknae had left. It didn’t matter if he was losing faith in the matter. Well, it mattered, but it mattered more if the youngest of them six lost faith and hope. Because that would have meant that Yongguk failed in protecting him from the horrible things in the world, and that would have meant that Junhong had grown up. And Yongguk wasn’t ready to let Junhong’s innocence go. He wanted to try keeping the innocence the youngest possessed because he knew that once it was gone, there was no way that Junhong could ever take it back.

----

The moment Youngjae went downstairs, he finally saw how broken things were.

Himchan was still holding onto Daehyun who was clinging to him like a child, shoulders shuddering from the small, trembling breaths that escaped his lips. With a sigh, the second vocalist advanced towards the two who were still on the ground in front of the dorm door. Youngjae softly laid a hand on Himchan’s shoulder, meeting his dark eyes once he turned to face him. Tear stains were evident on his hyung’s cheeks and Youngjae silently told him with his eyes to give Daehyun to him. Himchan bit his bottom lip, rolling it between his row of teeth before finally resting the half-awake Daehyun in Youngjae’s waiting arms.

The younger vocalist didn’t know why he even bothered supporting the limp weight who brought nothing but suffering to him. He felt kind of stupid, to be honest, but there was no backing out now. Himchan trusted him to get Daehyun safely to bed, and he would do it. If not for Daehyun, then for Himchan. He had an arm wrapped securely around the older boy’s waist, hoisting him up the stairs with great effort.

“Come on, Daehyun. We’re almost there. Come on...” Youngjae whispered between his teeth, his grip tightening as he helped Daehyun step up the small flight of stairs before them. The both of them struggled up the stairs, their bodies almost falling had Youngjae not held on to the banister in time. The youngest of the two dragged Daehyun to the bathroom, sitting him down on top of the toilet bowl. He hurried out, grabbing a face towel and a change of clothes for the teen who was still recovering from the nights earlier events.

The blonde returned to the bathroom, closing the door as to not wake up the sleeping maknaes a few doors down. His eyes wandered to Daehyun who was leaning back on the tank, the nape of his neck resting on the roll of extra tissue Jongup put just in case. Twisting the handle of the faucet to let the warm water float out, Youngjae held the small towel beneath the running water for a bit. He brought the warm towel to Daehyun’s face, holding his cheek in one palm as his other hand dabbed softly at the older boy’s forehead. He inches closer, sitting his right leg on the toilet lid while his left held him up for balance. The blonde’s eyebrows furrowed, still questioning himself and his intentions. He slid the warm, damp towel down Daehyun’s cheek and to his neck, wiping away the dirt and sweat that had collected. His right hand wiped at Daehyun’s smooth neck and protruding collar bones, his left hand lifting and pulling the sweater over the elder teen’s arms and head.

“Daehyun? Can you lift your arms please?” he said quietly, his soft tone surprising even himself. Just when he thought Daehyun wouldn’t do it, he did. It seemed like a great deal of effort so Youngjae made sure to quickly finish up so that he could finally put Daehyun to bed like he originally planned.

His hands moved briskly yet gently, careful not to hurt the elder who finally looked at peace, for once. Despite everything that the Daehyun put Youngjae through, he couldn’t bring himself to leave the elder alone, not when he looked so peaceful and fragile. Soon enough, he was pulling a white shirt over Daehyun’s head and a pair of sweatpants over his lean legs. Once again, Youngjae lugged Daehyun to their room, at last setting him down on his bed.

Blankets were pulled down and Youngjae managed to ease Daehyun into bed.

“Good night, Daehyun,” he whispered, knowing that Daehyun would never remember any of this tomorrow. Whether or not it was a good thing or a bad thing, Youngjae decided that it no longer mattered as he took a step towards his own bed. Daehyun hated him, that was more than obvious while Youngjae...Well, Youngjae didn’t know anymore. He couldn’t bother himself with Daehyun because he had his own problems too. But, if it made things easier, then he could always pretend to feel something he didn’t.

Just as he was about to take a second step, Youngjae felt a weak pressure on his wrist. He turned around to see a pair of eyes staring back at him.

“Did you need something?” Youngjae murmured, body going a little closer to the bed as to not strain Daehyun’s arm. He saw Daehyun open his mouth, as if to say something.

“C-Can...I-I...”

“You?”

“I-....Thanks,” and Daehyun turned away, his grip loosening.

“Y-Yeah..” Youngjae let out a breath, and sat in his own bed, staring at the figure a couple feet away from him.

Maybe things were better this way. The less they both knew, the less it would affect them.

---

“This is all my fault.”

“It’s not, Himchan. They’ve had problems ever since they first met,” Yongguk remarked, running his fingers through the other’s hair so that he could calm down his breathing.

The moon shone through the window of the room of the maknaes, Himchan insisting they stay in case either of the two youngest woke up crying in the middle of the night. The two eldest rested on Jongup’s bed, with Himchan lying on Yongguk’s lap as he tried to steady his uneven breaths.

“What do we do now, Yongguk?”

“What can we do?” the leader replied, eyes meeting Himchan’s for a split second before the both of them went back to silently watching the rhythmic breaths of Junhong and Jongup. “Everything’s so wrong and...And I don’t know.”

“Do you think we should bring them to a psychiatrist?”

“No. That would mean bad publicity for them. People would judge them for having problems. You know very well that people expect us to be perfect and carefree, Himchan. They expect us to plaster a smile on our face and pretend like everything’s fine and dandy when in fact it isn’t.”

“Maybe we should have family talks every night? Do you think that it’ll get us anywhere?” the second eldest questioned, eyebrows knitting together in thought.

“I don’t know, Himchan. I want to help Youngjae and Daehyun but at the same time, I have a feeling that this is something they need to solve on their own. They’re more alike than they think, and something’s telling me that that’s what’s causing their problem."

“Well, if not them, then we’ll have to help Junhong and Jongup. They’re too young for these-”

“You’re afraid too, aren’t you?” Yongguk asked, deep voice echoing in the dark room as silence took over once.
 

“What do you mean?” the other questioned, barely understanding the point Yongguk was trying to put across.

“You’re afraid that things are going to end up horribly and that everyone’s going to have to give up their dreams. And while you’re afraid that your dreams are going to be crushed, you still care more for the others because in your eyes, they're still children who have so much to accomplish in life.”
 

“Well, am I wrong?”
 

“That’s the thing...” the leader trailed off, hand resting lightly on Himchan’s blonde hair.

“What?”

“It’s that you’re right."

umm...Helloooo? Hi there, lovely readers. You still alive? You still reading this fic? Broho I'm surprised you guys haven't unsubscribed yet. Anyway, I"M SO SORRY I HAVEN"T UPDATED. But, I'll keep this short since I'm working on some other stuff. LET ME LUVS U ALL. *throws heart shaped cookies* Thank you for sticking with me and this for this long. I love you all so much. So so much. <3 _fanboy this chappy is especially dedicated to you....^^ I hope I didn't disappoint.

Me Outtie~