BACK AGAIN

The rain started so as my tears. I fight hard to control my raging emotions. A little debate is going on within me, should I fight or just lose everything. Everything’s vague, there are no options leading me to a brighter side. It’s dark. Either it is my feelings or what I’m thinking, it’s dark. And I can’t see any tiny light.

This insanity began when I saw them hugging. At first I thought it was a hug offered by a friend to console a close one to have maybe a peace of mind, little did I know it was something more than that.

That something we once shared, that something we once cherished the something we once knew would stay forever. But later on vanished like a beautiful sun in a sunset and sure would never return, not like the sunrise.

I waited for an answer, the fear of hearing “yes, they’re in a relationship” grew inside me. I’ve never told anyone about this little monster growing. I’m afraid. It came true, the one I most fear. Nichkhun, my former honey and Tiffany a close friend and a co-member. The news shattered me into pieces. My world fell apart. And when I had the chance to clear this grown-up monster inside or simply to ask them what’s going on, everyone turned their back against me.

I asked her, why him, out of all the people here? She said I now have a new one, why do I care? That made me really angry. I am asking as a friend and not a former girlfriend. Is there a difference? There is! A big one in fact. That’s not my point. I shouted at her that she knew it too well what happened to me with a bastard like him and she said she’s different; that Khun will never do something so foolish to hurt her. I had my eureka moment, so it’s okay for him to do foolish thing if it’s me? What if something similar happened to her? What if he would leave her too? Without any acceptable reason, because he just felt he need to something like that? And before Tiffany left she told me this “if you still love him, then I couldn’t do anything with that. He is now mine so back-off. You have your new man right?”. That hit me, maybe I still love him that is why I’m so affected but that can’t be. I couldn’t let that happen but I knew it too well that it is too late to stop this feeling.

It’s game over for us, that’s what I thought and that’s the reason I started a new something with another someone but the something between us never really left me, well in my case. Seunggi oppa noticed that and he told me to not fool myself and I should just  be with some who I really love I know he’s really hurt, but still he told me to be true to my own feelings and don’t deceive my own self, to not be with someone who I can’t really be with forever. He let me go, because he loves more than enough to do something like this. He expected me to act accordingly to be with him, to get him back. But I know it’s over between us so  might as well move on. Moreover he is now dating my friend; I just can’t be an evil and seduce him. If it’s true love going on between them even the most powerful man here on earth can’t change anything between them. It’s the power of true love.

Maybe I’m drunk that time but whatever I did it’s my subconscious that did it. The one that wants to love him over again, the one that wants to be with him. Im Yoona why do you need to drink like that? To your heart’s content. You’re a fool, nothing but a fool. A pathetic woman you are.

“Oppa I need you please come here”

“Sorry but I’m with my girlfriend right now”

If there’s an undo button in life, I could have pressed that to redo all of these pathetic things that is happening to me. Being successful is nothing if you’re not happy. People tell me I’m the prettiest and I’m the loveliest but that’s nothing because I can’t be the happiest. All day he’s the only one I think, I can’t even focus now. The other members hate me for being a butthurt ex girlfriend that can’t even support her friend’s love life and if I say the other member I mean all the 8 girls hate me right now. Basically right now; I’m alone. With no one to lean on, even the people that I’ve thought would support me all throughout has shown otherwise. I’m alone and lonely. They think of me as the antagonist in a melodrama and I can’t even be the lead of my own life now. Everyone is against me and this just because of a man. (Who am I kidding “just a man”, he is the man I love, my life)

I want to go back when everything is in the right place, I want to go back to you. Sorry for everything and I know I’m such a fool to even think of going back when I know I can’t. I need somebody to love.  No, I need you to love me.

“We broke up” that’s the first thing he said when he asked me to meet him on a local restaurant. “It is our choice to break our relationship not because we don’t love each other anymore but we realized we don’t even love each other from the very beginning.” He continued, actually I didn’t meet him because he asked me to but because Tiffany asked me to hear something from him. I don’t want to at first because I’m afraid that all my effort of trying to move on would be useless if I see him up close and I would start loving him again and I’m right when I entered the door and he smiled at me, I melted and said to myself ‘I’m in love’. Another reason was because it is so odd for Tiffany to ask me see him even though she had already told me that I should not care because I’m trying to start a relationship with another man but she begged so I tried and meet him to only hear this.

“I can’t understand anything and also I don’t want a further explanation of  what you’ve just said oppa, I mean Nichkhun-ssi. It’s already clear for me. We couldn’t be together anymore. You are Tiffany’s boyfriend and-“

“I am not, not anymore” he interrupted with his eyes glaring on me that scared the hell out of me. The same eyes when he told me for the first time that he loves me and wouldn’t care if I love him back, but he would just continue to love me. It is scary but comforting at the same time. That’s crazy right? Love would turn you crazy I might say.

“I started dating her with you sill in my mind, with my heart  still loving you. I find myself happy when I’m with her that’s why I’ve tried dating her but I realized that’s only because she’s a good friend. What I’m feeling for her is also the same with my other friends maybe I’m confused because my problem with you is up at the same time so I’m confused with love between friendship and the destined love, the one I’m feeling with you” I was taken aback with everything he said. But before drowning to more confusion, he added something more shocking. “And she’s not in love with me too, she’s also confused she said it’s because I understood her so much that’s why she is confused but you see loving is not just about understanding, you complement each other, it doesn’t matter if it’s 50/50 share or 60/40 the thing is you make a perfect two and I believe Yoona, that’s us.”

I’m scared honestly, what if I’ll give in to this feeling? Will we have a new story or everything will repeat, and the ending is that both of us would hurt each other once again. What if, we are not meant to be, or we are not destined to each other, and this is just someone’s game. I couldn’t afford to hurt once again, I couldn’t afford to lose someone special once again.

“I know you are full of what if’s” That stopped my trail of thoughts. Oh great he can read my mind now? Then he started talking once again. “I also know what is happening between us is just having uncertainty, I also don’t want to say that I need you to gamble your feelings once again just for me. I also don’t want to say that you wouldn’t hurt once again, because trust me my lady, love is all about hurting because if you are not hurting then that’s an unsure love. I’m hurting, because I love you too much. I may hurt you from time to time, but I wouldn’t let go of you, because even though I may be let you cry, but I also want to be the same guy to kiss your tears goodbye, I may be the same reason if you are hurting right now, but I want to be the same guy to make you smile, a true smile, once again. I wanna be the same guy to try his hardest to make you laugh; to make you believe in love, once again. I’ll try my hardest Yoona because I believe there’s us. And that us is the strongest love of all. The love that can conquer the strongest man. The love that can make sure people bewilder, the love that can make all confusions turn to realizations. We have that love, Yoona. With you my lady I believe is when that powerful love can manifest. You are my reflection, realization my strong sensation.”

I’m still not certain, if I give my heart again, will everything be okay? Will everything be in their right place? Will this work? But you would not know the answer if you would not try, right? One thing is for sure, even though I don’t know if I can trust this love again, I know and I bet all my life that he, Nichkhun is the love of my love, my genuine, pure, true and greatest love.

Then for the first time these past months, I gave someone my genuine smile and said.

“Shall we be happy with our love again?”

***

A/N: OMG, I'm back again! Yes I still ship this couple. I have written this story a long long long time ago. Here it is, I hope you can still wait for updates here, I'll be happy if you'll leave comments guys. I've tried hard to improve my writing skills, if it is not that good enough, dont worry I'll keep on improving.