Title: Love Hurts
Author: a y i n g`
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/aying_2/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye @ Sheer Essence
[sheer-essence.blogspot.com]

Title: 1.5/5

“Love hurts” is a really common title. It is not eye-catching. Do try to come up with a newer and more creative title. Strive on.

Poster/Background: 6.5/10

The poster is simple but yet striking in a way. The background is too dull and plain. However, the font colours suit the background. The overall appearance is neat and pretty in a simplistic but it does not help to heighten the atmosphere of the story.

Forewords: 8.5/10

The foreword is rather short but it is comprehensive. Some background information about the characters is provided and there is the prologue which lures and deepens readers’ understanding of the story (to a certain extent, which is sufficient). You did not reveal too much, which is a good point. However, I feel that your foreword is not that impactful and impressionable. Perhaps, you can add in sneak previews such as snippets of conversations of one or two significant quotes which can place the story in a better position.

Plot: 9.5/15

I would say that the betrayal and planned wedding are overused plots. However, your characters are developed in your own unique way. In addition, the ending is a little different. However, your ending is rather cut off. You did not explain or maybe just provide some hints to how Yoo Chun managed to keep his identity and survival secret. He just magically and mysteriously appeared out of nowhere, which sounded too good to be true. Also, you merely summarise on the happenings to Aisha in the end, However, you did not mention anything about Jessica. I mean, Yoo Chun sort of died, and Aisha as her best friend left… With so much things happening around her, I bet Jessica has to feel something or will do something, unless she ‘conspired’ with Yoo Chun to fake his death and everything. I find the plot alright but too many questions are left behind.

Creativity/Originality: 9.5/15

Same comment as plot since the plot that an author uses will reveal his or own creativity and originality.

Speed/Flow: 8.5/10
I feel that nearing the end, you are trying to speed things up, and quickly end the story. You merely summarize everything and focus on only Aisha. Read my comment about the plot.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/10

I think you deserve a high score here. You are one of the very few authors who really consistently use the right tense and keep to it. There are really minimum grammatical errors. In addition, you had a rather wide range of vocabulary which helped to heighten the moods of characters in the story, revealing more of their emotions, through the vivid verbs and adjectives. Overall, great job and do keep it up! Errors spotted in Chapter 1 include:

[1] Of course, it’s not that it was a bad idea, but he was already planning something else – or more like someone else. – You should write, “Of course, it was not that it was a bad idea…” since you had really very consistently used past tense throughout your whole story.

[2] Guilt raged inside of him, hating seeing her feel sad. – I feel that by putting the two ‘-ing’ verbs together. The sentence sounded a little awkward. Maybe you can try other forms like “hating to see her upset”.

[3] She gasped in surprise, seeing a being she longed for for so long. – You missed out a comma, after the “longed for”. It should be “…longed for, for so long.” In this way, your sentence will be clearer and correct. In addition, the time period of the “so long” will be neatly and nicely emphasized too.

[4] She was content at the given moment... and that’s all she could ask for. – “…that was all she could ask for.” This is another occasional slip of the usage of tenses.

Characterisation: 7/10

I would say that characterisation can be deduced from the behaviour of the characters, with their dialogues and acts. You did describe Yoo Chun and Aisha more, but you left out the other two characters. Jessica was one of the main characters and of significance somehow, but you did not really describe about how she looked and more of her personality. I mean Jessica was close to Yoo Chun and Aisha but yet she did not even think or suspect anything. You could have perhaps added some snippets of conversations between Tiffany and Aisha about Jessica’s unsuspecting and gullible character.

Writing Style: 8.5/10

I really like the way you write. You did use varied adjectives and descriptions here and there. Your sentences are coherent and easy to comprehend. Your whole story was clear. However, the thing lacking will be your lack of elaboration of details. No doubt, you had used vivid words to portray the characters but those only show their moods and actions and relationships. What about the settings and ambience? You can surely do better! Do strive on!

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5

Sub Total: 72.5/100

Bonus: 5/5

I am a fan of DBSK as well as Yiruma! =D You can surely do better! Do strive on. Cheers.

Total: 77.5/100
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A/N: Thanks for the honest review th1rd3ye!!

wow! still am surprise from the score.. pretty high..
:)

you know where to get them reviews at ryt?
go and visit Sheer Essence.
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