Kibum slowly moved away from the toilet, his throat burning and a lingering, vile taste filling his mouth. Every part of his body ached and felt heavy as lead, but his head was pounding wildly, as if it were going to split in half. He moaned softly and grabbed the edge of the sink, pulling himself shakily to his legs. He clenched his eyes shut as vertigo washed through his head like a wave, overpowering and so strong that he almost buckled to the ground. Gripping the sink as tight as his weak arms allowed him, Kibum panted desperately as heat poured through his body.

He didn’t know why he kept doing this to himself. Waking up at random times during the day or night, feeling like he was about to die because he felt so awful. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the reality of the situation, thinking that this wasn’t what they taught you in school. Drugs were bad, alcohol was bad, smoking was bad…they only said it was unhealthy and messed up your body but they never said to what extent, or that it would make you feel like you just fell off a twenty story building.

He would’ve thought that after the first few times this happened he would have quit immediately. It wasn’t worth it, right? A few hours of peace, freedom from his trapped mind of haunting memories and delusions just to end up puking his guts up and being unable to move. If anything, it was getting worse with every joint he smoked and beer he drank. It was as if she was trying to push through the barriers he set up, trying to take control of his mind and make sure that he didn’t forget her. For a few hours his mind would go blank and his body numb, thanks to the sweet, sweet poisons he infected his body with. But the moment the high ended, his mind was trapped in a dark fog as her voice rang throughout his head. Nothing was getting better, everything was just getting worse.

As his vision cleared and the urge to vomit passed, Kibum opened his eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm his sporadically beating heart. He slowly lifted his head, grimacing at the throbbing pain, and looked at himself in the mirror. Despite it being dark, he could clearly see through the glass, and he knew that wasn’t him that he was staring at. He didn’t know who that boy was in the mirror, but it wasn’t him. But then again, he didn’t know who he was anyways.

Who am I? Am I Kibum? Who is Kibum anyway?

Am I Kibum?

His heart was racing wildly with each thought and hot tears burned in his eyes. He couldn’t take it anymore, it was too much to handle. Raising his fist, he forcefully punched the mirror, listened to the glass shatter into a million pieces and fall to the floor. He couldn’t even register the pain in his hand; it didn’t hurt as much as his heart did. Crumbling to the floor, ignoring the feeling of sharp, broken glass cut into his body, Kibum cried.

He just didn’t know anymore.

Part of the Fade into Darkness series.

Poster/background from Imperfect Sanity Studios