Graphic's Love : Review

 

Title 5/5

I thought the title was interesting. It certainly caught my attention when I read it the first time. It also makes people want to read your story, instead of going to others. Good job!

 

 

Description & Foreword 6/10

Okay, first of all, please do not put pictures in your description. Description is a place where you give a summary about your story. Like what you have done for your foreword. But I will talk about the description first. So what you've done is put pictures of the characters and their short introductions. What you want is for the readers to find out about the characters and their personalities etc. inside the story itself. So be secretive. Delete all of the pictures and replace them with the short paragraph (i.e. the summary of the story) that you've written in your foreword. What you can put in your foreword is what you've written in your description: the quotes from the three main characters.

 

Second of all, I found several mistakes in both your description and foreword. Below are my suggestions:

 

Instead of: "I want him as a friend, but why did my heart wants more?" - Park Seul Hee

It should be: "I want him as a friend, but why does my heart want more?" - Park Seul Hee

Reason: Seul Hee still wants him as a friend, right? So in this case, it's happening in the present time. Instead of using 'did', you should use 'does'.

 

Instead of: "Why is my heart beat fast when I see her?" - Lee Byunghun

It should be: "Why does my heart beat fast when I see her?" - Lee Byunghun

Reason: It doesn't make any sense. If you want 'is', it should be "why is my heart beating fast". But even then, it doesn't make any sense since it doesn't happen at that exact moment. Unless you change the rest of the sentence to "why is my heart beating fast when I'm looking at her?" since it's most probably happening at that moment.

 

Instead of: "It's okay if you don't love me, but I just want you to know that I love you" - Byun Baekhyun

It should be: "It's okay if you don't love me. I just want you to know that I love you." - Byun Baekhyun

Reason: In my opinion, the 'but' is a bit unnecessary. But I think you can just ignore this. Second point though, is you should put a full stop at the end of the quote because it's the end of the sentence.

 

Instead of:

Park Seul Hee moved to Korea with Oh Shin Young to make a graphics' shop when they were 17. Her brother, Hyun Seok kept trailing her where ever she goes, even when she was in Korea. An unexpected meeting when Seul Hee met L.Joe in unexpected way. They kept seeing each other, and slowly Seul Hee have a feeling toward L.Joe. But Hyun Seok, the over-protective brother didn't let her love L.Joe because he want her to be with Baek Hyun, the one Hyun Seok can trust. What if Seul Hee insist on L.Joe? Will her brother let her? And what will happened to Baek Hyun?

It should be:

Park Seul Hee moved to Korea with Oh Shin Young to make a graphics' shop when they were 17. Her brother, Hyun Seok, kept trailing her wherever she went, even when she was in Korea. Something bad happened, but that led her to meeting L.Joe. They kept seeing each other, and slowly Seul Hee had some feelings towards L.Joe. But Hyun Seok, the over-protective brother, didn't agree with itbecause he wanted her to be with Baek Hyun, the one Hyun Seok could trust. What if Seul Hee insisted on L.Joe? Would her brother let her? What would happen to Baek Hyun?

Reason:

It's all happening in the past, so everything should be in past tense (I assume it is since most of what you've written are in past tense). This sentence "an unexpected meeting when Seul Hee met L.Joe in unexpected way" is a bit confusing for me to understand. I had to read your story first before I finally knew what you're trying to say.

 

 

Poster & Background 6/10

So finally I could see the poster and background. Anyway, to be honest, I like the posters on the foreword instead; the ones with more colours. The reason is your story has a light, comedy type of genre. It should have more colours to represent how lively the story is; just like the two posters at the bottom. What the designer has done is more suitable for a serious kind, which is the total opposite of your story. Another point is that the quotes on the poster: I want him as a friend, but why does my heart wants more? It's actually incorrect. It should be: I want him as a friend, but why does my heart want more? Lastly, I thought the title in the poster should be made either bigger or bolder so that people would immediately find out the title of your story.

 

 

Characters 6/10

To be honest, the characters are not exactly unique. They're just like the typical ones we usually find in other stories. Having said that however, I like how they're all connected somehow (e.g. Shin Young and Baek Hyun having some history together).

 

 

Plot 6/10

The plot is a bit too unoriginal. A girl has an over-protective brother. The girl meets a mysterious boy, but her brother doesn't like him so he finds another boy, who is the total opposite of the mysterious boy, to go out with his sister. The ending is kind of predictable, but since it's still pretty far from ending (judging by your story so far), I hope you have some unexpected twists so people will be interested to read.

 

 

Originality 5/10

Like I said in the previous section, it's unoriginal. There are similar stories with this type of plot. I hope you have a twist (or even more than one twist) that can take the readers by surprise.

 

 

Flow 3.5/5

The flow is okay; not too fast and not too slow. But some parts happen a bit too fast, to be honest. Like when they're in a restaurant. It's just over in a blink of an eye. Another example is when they're in a jewellery store. You should explain or describe more about the events. Imagine yourself to be Seul Hee; what do you see, what do you feel, etc.

 

 

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary 20/30

I found quite a lot of mistakes in your story. Below are some of them and my suggestions for the corrections:

 

Instead of:

"Uh, what a tiring day!" I said while stretched my hand. "You think you're the only one who's tired? ...My hand was already wrinkled" Shin Young started to studied her hand which is soft and perfect and pouted. "Aww, poor Shin Youngie. Fortunately I'm not like that" I and she nozzle . "Hey, Seul Hee, let's go lunch. I'm hungry." she rubbed her paunch. "Okay, let's go!" I said while put my files orderly and clenched my fist in the air.

It should be:

"Uh, what a tiring day!" I said as I stretched my hand OR while stretching my hand. [new paragraph] "You think you're the only one who's tired? My hand is already wrinkled." Shin Young started to study her hand, which is soft and perfect, and pouted. [new paragraph] "Aww, poor Shin Youngie. Fortunately I'm not like that," I and she pouted even more. [new paragraph] "Hey, Seul Hee, let's have some lunch. I'm hungry." She then rubbed her stomach/paunch. [new paragraph] "Okay, let's go!" I said as I put my files orderly OR while putting my files orderly and then clenched my fist in the air.

Reason:

If the speaker is new (the conversation is happening between two people), you HAVE to make a new paragraph. It's a must because it's a different person who speaks. Another reason is that it will be confusing to others because it looks like 'I' continues talking.

After every dialogue, you HAVE to have a punctuation mark. Be it a full stop, comma, question mark or an exclamation mark. It's to indicate that the dialogue is over.

Paunch is a very formal word. It doesn't really appear often (which is why I actually googled first to see what it means). My suggestion is change it to 'stomach' because it's more frequently used.

Nozzle is a noun. Unless it's an old word that indicates a verb. I think you want Shin Young to pout since 'I' , so change it.

For the last sentence, you can't put your files orderly and clench your fist in the air at the same time. Unless of course, you do each task with one hand.

 

Instead of: "[...]You really wanted me to be your brother's cummer?" she said but I just avoid her and continue to eat.

It should be: "[...]You really want me to be your brother's girlfriend/lover?" she said but I just avoided her and continued to eat.

Reason: To be honest, this is the first time I've ever seen the word 'cummer'. I thought you spelled it incorrectly. But turns out, there is such thing. However, I think it's a bit inappropriate to have that word in your story because your story is a very light one. 'Cummer' is most probably used for old stories or stories that are very serious.

 

Instead of:

Uh, Seul Hee was really a busybody girl. Really embarrassed me! Huh, but that waiter was really adorable, I like him. Hmm, I wish I didn't like Hyun Seok. Uh! What am I talking about? No, no, no. I like that waiter but I love Hyun Seok. Yup, that's true. Heh, better finished the meal before she left me behind.

It should be:

Uh, Seul Hee is really a busybody. Really embarrassed me! Huh! But that waiter is really adorable, I like him. Hmm, I wish I didn't like Hyun Seok. Oh! What am I talking about? No, no, no. I like that waiter but I love Hyun Seok. Yup, that's true. Heh, better finish the meal before she leaves me behind.

Reason:

This time, it's happening inside Shin Young's head. So it should be in present tense, and I think it will look better if it's in italics instead.

 

Instead of:

After the meal, I felt a bit bored and felt like didn't wanna go back to the office. "Seul Hee, let's went somewhere. We didn't have a rest yet right?" I asked. "But, who will look for our shop?" she looked at her watch, which showing 15:30. "Well, our workers can do that, right?" I tried to convinced her but what she did was shook her head. "Nope, I don't believe them. Although they have worked with us, about 2 years, but I still can't. Now, let's go" she pulled my hand. "Uh, this girl" I thought and sighed.

It should be:

After the meal, I felt a bit bored and didn't wanna go back to the office yet. "Seul Hee, let's go somewhere. We haven't had a rest yet,right?" I asked. [new paragraph] "But who will look after our shop?" She looked at her watch showing 15:30. [new paragraph] "Well, our workers can do that, right?" I tried to convince her but she just shook her head. [new paragraph] "Nope, I don't trust them. Although they have worked with us for about two years, I still can't. Now let's go." She then pulled my hand. [new paragraph] Uh, this girl, I thought and sighed.

Reason:

"Felt like didn't wanna go back to the office" doesn't make any sense. But there is such thing as "I didn't feel like going back to the office" or "didn't wanna go back to the office". So you can choose either one.

After 'let's', it has to be in present tense. It's 'let's go there', 'let's eat', etc.

'Look for' and 'look after' are different. 'Look for' means searching for something. 'Look after' means taking care of. So "who will look for our shop" means "who will search for our shop", whereas "who will look after our shop" means "who will take care of our shop".

Trust and believe have similar definitions. But in this case, it should be "I don't trust them".

After 'although', you can't put 'but' because it's not necessary.

For numbers, if it's below 10, you should put the words of the numbers (e.g. one, two, three, etc.). Otherwise, put the numbers (e.g. 10, 11, 49, etc.).

For a thought (i.e. Uh, this girl), just italize it. There's no need to put quote marks because it might be mistaken as Shin Young emphasising and saying those words out loud, when she's actually just thinking about it.

 

Instead of: "[...]You shouldn't came here. This is my office." I proclaimed.

It should be: "[...]You shouldn't come here. This is my office," I proclaimed.

Reason: After 'should', it has to be a present tense. This word is the same as 'do'. So for example, "don't go here." That's the correct sentence. It's not "don't goes here" or "don't went here". That's incorrect.

 

Instead of: "[...]I've many works to do."

It should be: "[...]I've so much work to do."

Reason: 'Work' is uncountable. You can't count work. So it's 'much', instead of 'many'.

 

Instead of: Then, I can saw Shin Young with a blanked thought.

It should be: Then, I could see Shin Young with a blank face.

Reason: First of all, it's happening in the past, so it's 'could'. Second of all, after 'can' (or 'could' in this case), it's a present tense. The last one is the 'blanked thought'. How could 'I' know that Shin Young wasn't thinking at all? From the face, right? So it should be 'blank face'.

 

Instead of: "[...]He's playboy, broke every girls' heart and left them like a rubbish."

It should be: "[...] He's a playboy, breaks every girl's heart and leaves them like rubbish."

Reason: I assume he still does those things, so it should be in present tense. And rubbish is uncountable, so don't put 'a' before the word.

 

Don't put asterisks anywhere in your story. For example, if the person is shivering because it's a cold night, then write that she is. Don't just put *shiver shiver*. It's weird and a bit messy.

 

Don't ever put pictures in your story. The reasons are:

1. It ruins the flow of your story. You want the readers to imagine the dresses themselves. So just delete the pictures and describe the dresses. Otherwise, putting images makes you look lazy. If you really have to put the dresses, either put the images at the bottom of each chapter or put the links only at the bottom.

2. You might distract the readers. You want the readers to continue reading. Some might get distracted and look at the dresses without continuing instead.

3. There are people with slow internet connection (e.g. me at the moment). It takes time to load a page with pictures. I even had to refresh a lot of times to finally start reading your story. Some people might even give up trying to refresh because it takes a long time to do load it.

 

The POV change is a bit confusing sometimes. In some chapters, one POV is only a short paragraph. I thought it's unnecessary because it doesn't really tell us anything. If you really have to change POV, it's better to change it to a third POV. So instead of using 'I', use 'she' and 'he'. You're the author, so you tell the story about them. Don't be the characters. Be the author.

 

 

Overall Enjoyment 6/10

I quite enjoyed your story, despite all of the mistakes. There are some things missing in the story, not explained properly. But I hope you are going to explain in later chapters. Examples are the real reason why Shin Young decided not to like Hyun Seok anymore, what happened between Shin Young and Baek Hyun in the past, what happened to Seul Hee's parents, why Hyun Seok was adopted, the reason why L.Joe was hiding his face, etc.

~

 

 

Mark: 63.5/100

Done by: deedee48 (FallingArrows' Review Shop)