-03-

“He’s not here,” Lay assured as he shifted on the sofa.

Of course he wasn’t here. Why would he be? I nodded, my eyes shifting towards Ji Sun who was nervously chewing on her bottom lip seeming very fidgety. Unsettled, I sat down next to Lay and looked at the ground, feeling nothing but utter confusion. Initially, the urge of making a U-turn seemed like the only option but as I threw a weary look around the small apartment, I realized that there was no reason for my nervousness.

Kris was not here.

“Don’t be a stranger, Min Ji,” Lay spoke again with a hint of ease in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” I replied and looked at Lay, pressing a smile. “It’s good to see you again.”

“It’s good to be back,” he smiled but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

I shifted again and cleared my throat and fiddled with the strap of my tote bag. Ji Sun quietly excused herself on the pretext of forgetting to buy something for dinner and quietly left the shared apartment. Lay and I were left in the sort of deafening silence that made you aware of whether you were breathing too loudly or not. I blinked rapidly and looked away from Lay, towards the small kitchenette behind him.

“Would you like to drink anything?” I offered.

He shook his head and it was his turn to clear his throat. “I missed the two of you a lot in those two months.” Lay looked at me carefully, I could tell. “We all missed the two of you.”

We. We meant all of them. Something pulled at my heart but all I could do was nod and make a small agreeing “mh” from the back of my throat.

It had only been two months, but the Lay sitting next to me changed considerably. His hair was a more considerably noticeable shade of brown that shinned gently in the light of my apartment; his hair was styled also, and I wondered if he had come here from a schedule or anything of the sort. Even his clothing was anything but casual. I wondered then, if I would see their performance on TV or whatever if Ji Sun and I even bothered turning on the small television we had. I felt minuscule next to Lay and unconsciously, I pulled my bag to my chest as if to hide the plain, simple clothing I was wearing.

“How have you been, Min Ji? It’s been a while since we talked. I’m sorry we didn’t keep in contact or—“

“It’s fine,” I assured Lay and looked back at him fully. “It’s not like you could anyway. You must be busy, right?”

“We have, yes,” Lay nodded with the same soft smile and I could tell he was trying to make small talk but being the awkward jerk I was, it wasn’t easy on him. “I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up at all, but we’re doing well. Even here, despite our Chinese based promotions.”

I blinked. “Ah, so you guys don’t...uh, promote here at all?”

Lay shook his head. “No but EXO-K do. They’re the Korean subunit. We just came back two days ago, actually and...well, I thought I should pass by and say hi.”

“That’s thoughtful of you, Lay. How did you know where we live though?”

“Lu Han told me the place. You know, he and Ji Sun kept in contact every now and then.” Lay pressed his lips together, them slightly and continued, “I’m really happy you got accepted in this university. It’s quite a big one in Korea from what I heard, right? I knew you could make it, Min Ji, you’re slowly on the path of something big, right?”

I chuckled quietly. “Not as big as your path, of course.”

For the next thirty minutes or so, I sat and listened to Lay describe how they have successfully held two showcases, one in Seoul, the other in China- I remembered then, of the ticket to their Seoul showcase and the last word I had ever received from Kris since their departure: the note he had left with the ticket. I swallowed a lump in my throat as I recalled setting that amongst the thin files of the photo album that was currently underneath my bed.

Lay described how nervous they all seemed, emanating a rather awkward aura whenever they had talking to do. He recalled how they felt more confident in their dancing and singing and how much they had practiced until at one point, they were so tired they could barely stand, much less muster up a note. I laughed along whenever he’d retell funny memories the group of apparently twelve boys had constructed pre-debut and even then. I felt bad when Lay mentioned how hard the partition of the two subgroups was and how they’d catch up through video calls or text messages but it was never the same as being there, together under one roof.

I had appreciated how Lay seldom gave names and controlled his excitement in divulging the journey to their debut, just to make sure he did not randomly slip Kris’ name in his storytelling.

Then, he allowed me the chance of telling him how I have been doing but there was very little about myself I could tell Lay without sounding repetitive or awfully dull. But what could I do if the excitement of going to university was lost amongst the working hours and the exhausted nights? My only joy was Saturday nights that were well spent with Ji Sun with a deep pan extra cheesy mozzarella pizza and a rented movie and sometimes, a tub of vanilla ice cream. The key highlights of how my life had changed- if it changed at all- rested amongst the short retelling of how my journalism job was fairly more lively whenever Jong Hyun would pick fights.

“Jong Hyun?” Lay repeated, arching his eyebrows slightly.

I nodded. “He’s sort of my boss, if you can call it that,” I replied, “he’s...he’s a pest.”

“But it sounds like he’s a pretty cool guy.”

“Yeah, well, he is. He has his days but I think he’s genuinely withdrawing his joy by constantly being on my case. Not in a bad way... Just... Jong Hyun’s very odd. But he’s nice.”

Lay nodded slowly but there was a weak response of apprehension towards my statement in his smile. He pressed his lips together and for the first time since I had seen Lay, I saw him look away, picking at a loose string of his trousers and I could tell there was something on his mind. I opened my mouth to speak but Lay was quicker.

“He’s really angry, you know,” Lay murmured in a voice so quiet, I thought I didn’t catch it.

But of course I did and he did not need to emphasise further regarding this “he”. I was caught by surprise. My chest tightened and my breath, I was sure, was caught in my throat. I tried to play it off cool, I truly did, but Lay had seen how my form stiffened for a few milliseconds. His hand reached for my shoulder and I flinched at his touch but his squeeze was firm.

“I—What—Lay, I don’t understand....”

“I... I don’t understand either, Min Ji...” He threw me a sad look to which I avoided immediately. “I really wish I could but he—Kris doesn’t talk much about it. It’s—Only Lu Han knows more, but this is all I can tell you.”

“But, Lay, I—“

“Why didn’t you come to our showcase, Min Ji?” he asked, suddenly cutting through my sentence. “We—Kris really wanted you to be there. He was so hopeful and he really thought you would come to y’know, support his dream, Min Ji. I don’t know if you know but... Kris, he’s really crushed and—“

“Lay, Lay stop,” I muttered and covered my face in my hands for a few brief seconds before pulling up from the sofa and walking back and forth. “If...” I couldn’t bring myself to speak his name yet, “if he was crushed, can you... Can you imagine what I felt? How....how low I felt? I felt awful, Lay, absolutely awful and—“

“I know, Min Ji, and I’m sorry, but Kris was very distraught. He... I’ve never seen him cry before but he did, Min Ji.” Lay pulled up from the sofa and took a step closer to me when I had stopped walking. “You didn’t come to the airport, you didn’t come to the showcase... Kris felt abandoned.”

“And how did I feel, Lay?” I asked, my voice a little louder and my eyes stinging with tears that lined them. “You saw it all happen before your very eyes. Kris... He played me.”

“But never once had he looked at another girl in these two months. Much less... Min Ji, he never at one point ceased to think of you.”

I couldn’t digest Lay’s words properly and I failed to understand whether to feel guilty or angry. I found myself at a crossroad in terms of my feelings. I felt sad and guilty, of course, hearing that Kris had even as much as thought about me at all and I wanted to reconsider my coldness displayed before him two months ago when it had all came to an end. But I felt angry because he was angry. I felt angry, most of all, because I couldn’t understand why Lay was telling me all of this. My fingers clenched into a tight fist, the skin that stretching white across my knuckles.

“A-and now?” I whispered.

Lay looked at me and sighed, his gaze falling softer. “Now he’s... He’s angry.”

Angry.

I did not normally have a stubborn nature or anything of the sort but I wanted to be stubborn then. I wondered how it would be like to see him again. To see the person I had loved and I held and kissed—to see him now, two months later when we seemed to be back to the way we started as nothing but strangers. The thought pained me and unconsciously, despite my repetitive telling to myself of not crying in front of Lay, the tears flowed freely from my eyes and trickled down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry for everything you’re feeling now, Min Ji,” Lay muttered and he outstretched his hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like this again but I thought—“

“Please, Lay.... Just stop apologizing. It’s—I don’t really care s-so it’s f-fine.”

He took a few carefully calculated steps ahead and embraced me. He smelled sweet, his cologne bringing back memories as it held a certain similarity to Kris’ back then but I hugged Lay back. The terrible pain in my chest was replaced with a feeling of nostalgia and as I returned Lay’s hug, I began feeling that weak feeling of missing them pulsate stronger within me. My quiet cry was short but helped relieve me and by the time we broke away, I was more than sure I had soaked a small part of his rather thin t-shirt.

“Look, why don’t we do something, Min Ji? We really miss you and it’d be great if we can just spend some time together? Even just a few minutes?” Lay suggested.

“But we just did—“

“No, no, with everyone else as well—“

“Oh, no. Lay, that’s really nice of you but I’m sorry, I’m not ready and—“

“No, just us,” Lay pleaded, “please? Lu Han’s probably still at the company and I’m sure he’d love to see you! Come on, come with me, Min Ji, please?”

I shook my head. Despite wanting to see Lu Han, the sudden fear and panic that Kris might be there overpowered. I felt bad, awful even for letting it hold back but I feared that if I saw Kris again, I’d fall in love with him all over again. And I was not yet fully sure that my heart was ready for another roller coaster ride of being in love again.

Lay however, was insistent. “Min Ji, I promise you Kris won’t be there. He has a schedule to attend anyway, he won’t be back for hours until filming ends.” He gave me a sad glance and I felt my heart weaken. “Please?”

I found myself in my bedroom, a minute later, looking around for something decent to wear. It was not going to be a fancy meeting; it was something I was both apprehensive and excited for. As I looked through my wardrobe, trying things on before deciding against it, something caught my eye in reflecting in the tall mirror that leaned against the wall.

There, from the back of my neck to a point midway my shoulder blades, trailed a rain of inked, permanent stars. I stopped unfolding a caramel coloured shirt with some ruffles at the front which I kept for any special occasions and took a few steps closer towards the mirror. My eyes were fixed on the stars and the same invisible hand surrounded my heart, making it hard to breathe. I reached back and gently touched a few stars with the tips of my fingers, ignoring my cold skin and sighed.

I thought of Wu Fan then- of course I did. I had the tattoo done on the same day as he had gotten his. He was the one that held my hand through the temporary nightmare of the pain suffered as the needles pierced my skin. He was the one that had watched my flinch but still insisted the tattoo was coming out perfectly, simply because I matched it. If the tattoo was once a sweet reminder of a person I had loved, it was now something that I had seldom looked at purely because of all the memories it brought back.

Quickly pulling the ruffled shirt over my head, I covered the tattoo with a heavy heart and remained still for a few seconds in the middle of my shared room with Ji Sun. Beyond the wooden door, I could hear the front door opening and closing and Ji Sun’s voice rung out as she questioned Lay as to my whereabouts. I heard her discontent in the tone of voice when she suggested it was best Lu Han visited us rather than me going but Lay had given her the same reassurance- Kris had a schedule and I was safely tucked away from the apparently angered EXO-M leader. But as I pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans, I told myself that regardless, there were no more feelings.

Gone, I told myself, those feelings are residing in the past, with the old Min Ji.

“I’ll be fine,” I told Ji Sun as I gave her a quick hug once I came out of the bedroom. “Why don’t you come along?”

Ji Sun was more bitter than I thought. “Because if I do, and it turns out that....that person is there, I will kill Lay.”

Behind me, Lay chuckled. “I promised, didn’t I? He’s busy. She’s just going to say hello to the boys and I’ll take her back safely, Ji Sun-ah. I promise, okay?”

The SM Entertainment was a tall glass building that, from what I recalled, appeared to be blue in the daylight. Only a few lights were on in some of the higher rooms and Lay explained they were probably the practice rooms. When he had offered me to go inside- yet again assuring me it was Kris free- I refused and insisted I waited outside. Not wanting to let me all on my own seeing as it was considerably darker outside, Lay quickly texted Lu Han.

Within less than a few minutes, the doors swung open and out dashed an all too familiar baby face owner.

Lu Han stopped a few feet away from me just as I pulled up from the bench I was sat on next to Lay, and his big, dark eyes seemed to twinkle even in the artificial street light. Like Lay, Lu Han did not change drastically and he seemed to be a lot like what I remembered him to be: his skin was still flawless, his eyes still wide, his lips still soft. Not even his dark stage clothing and well styled hair made him look like he was twenty two.

“Min Ji?!”

I waved at him rather stupidly and smiled. “Hello, Lu Han—“

Before I could say more, he zoomed to me, enveloping me in a hug and I nearly stumbled back together with Lu Han if it wasn’t for Lay supporting my shoulders. I found myself laughing and in Lu Han’s arms, I temporarily forgot about my worries and my discomfort about being there. He squeezed me to the point where I thought I was reasonably close to losing my breath but Lu Han quickly let go, still holding on to my upper arms as he examined me, trying to find some sort of change in me. I know he didn’t see none when the all too familiar soft, kind smile replaced his surprised expression.

The others followed closely behind Lu Han, tearing him away from me and I hugged Xiu Min and Tao and Chen. It felt like a strange sort of family reunion and not even the sudden gust of cold wind made us move as we shared surprised and excited discussions. Like Lay at first, none had mentioned Kris and I was thankful.

“We thought you left Korea all together when I called and I couldn’t get through to you!” Lu Han exclaimed.

“Sorry,” I apologize, “my phone’s completely busted and I can’t get a replacement until who knows when.”

“Then we ran into Ji Sun earlier today at the square!” Chen grinned.

“You did? That’s—Wait, where?” I stopped and looked at Chen.

He blinked, confused then repeated, “the square. We were getting some coffee earlier today. In fact, at one point, Xiu Min and Tao thought they had seen you outside with someone but when we looked again, you were gone.”

“I... I was at the coffee store.” I blinked then added, “I was with—“

“Min Ji! What are you doing here?”

I looked to my left and saw none other than Jong Hyun. His hands were hidden in the pockets of his black trench coat and his eyes were wide and surprised. Falling behind in steps, Victoria walked out of the building and stopped a few meters away from us, her eyes rigid and unreadable as she looked towards me with raised, curious eyebrows.

“With him!” Xiu Min squeaked. “So you were at the coffee shop today, Min Ji! Remember, Chen? Chan Yeol did mention bumping into a person he had seen in Lu Han’s photos! Gee, Min Ji, couldn’t you say hi?” he added with a chuckle but next to him, Tao nudged him discreetly.

As Jong Hyun walked to stand beside me, it was then I put two and two together; the person I had bumped into was probably one of their band mates. And....if they were there....surely Kris was there too. Right? It would explain Tao’s sudden jolt towards his hyung. I swallowed but kept the smile on nonetheless, revealing nothing of the revelation that possibly, Kris and I had stood less than a few meters away from each other.

“Anyway—“ Lu Han began but approaching headlights caught his attention.

The sound of an engine stopping, a door opening and closing and Xiu Min tip toed to look over Jong Hyun and I. I turned around to see two tall figures approaching us. My breath caught in my throat and I felt my knees give up a little; I had failed to acknowledge anyone else as soon as the headlights dimmed at the silhouette became clearer.

“They cut filming short for some odd reason to do with the technicians. Apparently, the microphones weren’t working and the cameras were defective so—“

He looked exactly like how I remembered him to be. Unnaturally taller than any other guy I had come across and he maintained the same godlike features that were one of the many things that had attracted me to him. Wearing a rather long, thick-looking white coat over a sparkly black t-shirt and various accessories, I could not see anyone else but Kris. He, too, had seen me and stopped midway his sentence. The tension was so thick you could cut through it with a knife but next to me, Jong Hyun was bouncy.

Kris naturally had a stoic face that was unnaturally beautiful but in that moment, as we stood, breathing the same air and being within feet of each other, his eyes turned cold and his jaw tightened. Next to him, the tall boy I had previous bumped into looked from Kris to me and back to him again. I couldn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t breathe. Then, Kris arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms, a sort of scowl visible on his face.

“Is it not too late for all of you to be out?” he spoke, his tone cold and his words sharp, almost venomous. “Shouldn’t you be practicing?”

“Hyung—“ Chen began.

Kris kept his eyes on me and I felt weak in the knees. Then, his eyes flicked to Jong Hyun who began tugging at my sleeve gently, informing me he would walk me home quickly because he was becoming cold. Victoria’s heels clicked on the cold, slightly damp pavement and she went to stand next to the unfamiliar boy, facing me with curiosity.

“Come inside as soon as you feel you need to practice because it’s not like we’re rookies or anything,” Kris announced and walked away without looking back once.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Lay turned to me. "I'm sorry-- I'm so sorry, I didn't-- I really didn't know he--"

"It's fine, Lay," I offered a shaky smile. "I... I should go home now. Go practice. Jong Hyun will walk me home."

Lu Han threw Jong Hyun a curious look before he gave me a quick hug and everyone else followed; they rushed inside, whispering softly amongst themselves and I was left in the cold with Jong Hyun as Victoria shortly bid him goodnight and walked to catch her waiting taxi.

"I didn't know you're friends with them, Min Ji! Gee, why didn't you say so?"

"I... We know each other a little..."

"And that was Kris, wasn't it?" Jong Hyun asked; I flinched. "I've seen clips of them performing and if he's good looking on screen, he's even better in real life! But I'm more handsome right, Min Ji? Even if he was totally eyeing you, I'm more handsome, yes?"

I forced a tight smile. "Yes."

"He seemed to be quite keen on staring at you though," Jong Hyun noted.

"But I'm the person he despises most on this planet..." I muttered ever so quietly.

"What?"

I looked at Jong Hyun and shook my head. "Nothing."