“Okay, everyone’s microphone is working.” The Floor Director Noona announced from the speakers. Throats were heating up from singing on the rehearsal. The noonas retouched us and we got back in our starting formation. Girls were screaming behind me, making me jitter, yet excited at the same time. “We’ll be recording in three seconds. Everyone stand by. Three, two, one.”

The music started, and we crawled up from our knees. As soon as we turned around and saw the cameras and the studio audiences, it was exhilarating. I have to be Maximum Sehun. I danced, and danced, and tried to shoot glances at the active camera, which felt like a game to me.

“Cut. Yes, good. Thank you EXO-K,” Floor Director Noona said.

“Thank you,” we bowed to everyone and went offstage, bowing to the backstage crew.

We were walking in a neat line and the maknaes were at the back. I tugged at Jongin’s jacket. “Dude, take me to the restroom.”

He turned around and just agreed with me. “Okay,” he said. “Hyung, we’re going to the restroom,” he said to the hyungs.

We stopped by at the water dispenser in the hallway and drank a cup of water before going to the restroom. Instead of turning to the hallway heading to the restroom, I opened the emergency exit door and started my way up the stairs, pulling Jongin on the wrist.

“What are you doing?” he asked. I pretended not to hear and kept on walking until we met the exit door ahead of us. I took us outside, to the rooftop.

“And…?” Jongin questioned my action, wondering. ”You want us to spread pee on cars passing below.”

“Yah, I’m serious.”

“You haven’t even said a thing, what am I supposed to know?”

“Listen,” I emphasized, pulling Jongin’s wrist again. “Whatever comes out of my mouth, you promise to listen carefully, and not laugh at it. This… this matters.”

Jongin shrugged in a whatever-you-say manner. “Alright.”

Jongin looked at me, waiting for whatever the thing I was supposed to tell.

I took a deep breath, carefully arranging my words.

“I like you, Kim Jongin.” I confessed.

He scoffed. So he came up to the broadcasting station rooftop for a joke.

“I like you, Jongin. I really do,” I continued carefully. “I know that you have Hwang Chara, I know that Hwang Chara has you, but my heart was growing worn to listening to what my mind says right—this is not right. This feeling is never right. Ruining you, ruining me, ruining our work. But this, this ego inside me, this enormous wish of having you, grew on, up till now. There is a leaking pain close to my heart every time I see you, a feeling of wanting to grab you in my hands, so strong, so tight I would crush you.

“It was painful, Kim Jongin, for having to deal with this feeling when I talk to you, and as I live with you. I was so good as hiding it that you did not see me at all,” I chuckled, laughing at myself. Looking down, I continued. “It was kind of you for keeping Hwang Chara from me and the hyungs, or I would have burnt in jealousy.”

Thinking of that image I saw outside Anabel’s, I looked into Jongin’s eyes. “My mind, my defeated heart could only shower her praises the way you will. Telling that she was amazing, that she was unique. That she was the most beautiful. I wanted myself to believe in that, when actually, what I wanted was to be there, to be in that place.”

I looked down, laughing at myself, again. My eyes were stinging. “But then I know that my being here confessing my feelings to you would be no use. You would still cherish Hwang Chara like you always do.”

I sighed, smiling. “She deserves her place. She deserves you.”

A tear softly rolled from my eye. Jongin grabbed my shoulders. “Sehun I’m sorry. I—“

“Go back to the hyungs. They’re looking for you.”

He was about to object.

“Tell them I’m having a hard time,” I chuckled, making it a weird sound with my shaky voice. Jongin was still filled with guilt, unable to decide what to do. He stepped to me and hugged me, but I shrugged it away.

“I’ll catch up soon,” I said trying to smile, wiping my scarce tears with the heel of my hands, not wanting to ruin my costume. I then became conscious of the makeup, and tried my best to do it neatly and prevent more from falling. Eesh, such a crybaby, I hate it. Jongin still gave me a look with regretful eyes.

I replied his concerned stare and somehow laughed. “Go,” I urged.

He was so reluctant of going. He then hugged me again, tighter, and tiptoed to kiss my forehead.

“I have to thank you for a lot of things,” he mumbled. He smiled at me and wiped the tears, smothering his hand in melting eye makeup. “And find a way to… well, answer your feelings somehow,” he said, fixing my jacket. “I’ll be with the hyungs.”

Jongin opened the staircase door and left me with the towering broadcasting antennae.

I sat and cried, somehow so hard, at the image of Jongin kissing my forehead. Why do I have to be trapped in this feeling, in these circumstances?

“Sehun? What happened?” Chanyeol hyung stood from his chair as soon as I got back to the dressing room. The hyungs hovered around me with concerned looks as they heard Chanyeol hyung’s cry. I was back from the restroom, washing my nastily ruined, emo-ed eyeliner. It was way out of scenario on that one.

I was touched by their care, and I smiled, my eyes stinging again, “It’s just… we… We made it. We finally made it here.”

It was not the exact answer, but at least I did not lie.

“Aww,” the guys cooed, hugging me. I cried, again, with such a different atmosphere. I love this family. I love them, I love them all.