“Oh lord.” We all panted as the song finished, not giving a damn about it playing again on repeat. We had just got back a few hours ago, had shower, had dinner, and then practice till one in the morning, then go to sleep. Today is pretty forgiving compared to the other days this week.

I was panting my lungs out, sitting down leaning on the mirror-covered wall, facing the ever-so-bright blue sky curtain. After a few years seeing it, it doesn’t make our sweaty midnights look like daylight anymore.

Jongin took a seat beside me and offered me his bottle of Gatorade. I shook my head, still too breathy to talk properly. He himself grimaced and looked down, trying to swallow back the fatigue. All our hearts were knocking to the edge wanting to pop out.

The playing music stopped and I looked up to the radio to see it was Joonmyun hyung turning it off. I was relieved that he did, meaning that it was our last routine for tonight. He would usually go to the radio just to play it from the start so we would stand back up.

 “Can I have some of that?” I finally asked. It always takes me a while to ask for someone’s drink after they offer it to me. He handed the bottle to me and I drank it up thirstily, rather out of control. I hate it when I drink like this. “Thanks.”

“No prob,” he said, smiling with a better breath. “Come on, let’s go back.”

Jongin stood up first and walked up to his backpack. He took his towel and spare shirt and changed casually in front of everyone else—we’ve been doing that for almost a year now. It was the closest thing to bathing in the airconned practice room.

I was more of the quiet type. The bottles of enhanced water, the bowls of ramyun, the midnight snacks sneaked on while watching TV shared with Jongin hyung grew into more than just laughter and a thick bond of friendship to me. I was struggling to keep it to myself, with much relief that my rather flat face always helped me in acting indifferent.

“Come on, Guys, let’s go home! Early to bed and early to rise, make performers healthy, wealthy and wise!” Joonmyun hyung chimed, gesturing his left hand on the light switch threatening to turn it off. We scrambled to our feet and got out of the door before anyone is left alone inside. Joonmyun hyung finally really turned off the lights now and then bowed to the few janitors we passed along. “Thank you, we are very sorry for burdening you. Thank you.”

“Hey!” Luhan hyung slung his arm around my shoulders, being the touchy guy he always was. “You look more tired than usual. You want some?” He took a granola bar and broke it in half for me.

I’m not into something that tastes so ‘morning’ right now. Reminds me of waking up and having all those schedules all over again.

I only shook my head meekly and leant my head on his shoulder as we walked. I was so tired I wished I could drop dead on the bed right there and then.

I opened my eyes again after only a few seconds, still in my position. Jongin hyung was walking behind everyone else busy with his phone but still in front of us, the others chatting silently or just rubbing their worn faces.

I wonder who that was.

Jongin’s smiles were always earnest and decorated with his row of neat white teeth, but the smiles to his phone on our practice breaks, or before we all go to bed… they’re different.

I pretended to not care and continued submitting to the sleepiness. The secretly broad and sturdy shoulders Luhan hyung always has for everyone is always a relief at times like this. I took his hand and entangled it with mine, wanting to know what it feels like if it were Jongin’s.

I could only act this spoiled with Luhan hyung—he’s the real big brother of all big brothers. Jongin was not a place to act weak to, he would probably just laugh at you. And the rest? No one was as touchy and they would be as misunderstanding about it as many fangirls are.

I stood back up as I realized that we had to part ways; Luhan hyung’s dorm was on the right while ours was on the left. We bowed and waved at the intersection then continued to walk on.

Joonmyun hyung opened the door and turned the lights on for the rest of us and we inharmoniously shouted—or, mumbled, “I’m back!” while fumbling with our shoes.

The six of us then did whatever we wanted, either eating or taking a shower. Dancing under aircons doesn’t make your body stick less. I decided to take a shower first after asking permission to everyone for the bathroom, while Joonmyun hyung decided to take something out of the fridge for the rest of us.

Only three of my hyungs ate though: Chanyeol hyung, Baekhyun hyung and our leader. The roommates Jongin and Kyungsoo hyung were in their room, although I am more than sure that they are still awake.

I stepped into the bathroom and decided to just take a quick shower, because even though some would just plop back to bed, most of us prefer washing first.

“Here, we spared some for you,” Joonmyun hyung said when I got out of the bathroom.

I politely rejected. “I’ll just wash the dishes for you guys, please go to sleep.”

I took time to dry my hair in my room, the curiosity over the person in Jongin’s mind still hanging about my heart. Just when I was about to go outside and return the towel back to its place, Joonmyun hyung opened the door. We almost bumped into each other, then we scratched our heads in shy laughter. “I put the leftover pudding back in the fridge in case you’ll change your mind. Chanyeol’s taking his shower and the rest is asleep now, just go to sleep.” He said as he was closing the door.

I sat on hyung’s bed, not feeling like climbing to my bed right now.

“Sehun, really, you look more tired than usual. Are you alright?” Joonmyun hyung placed the cold back of his right hand on my forehead, then on my neck. It was only a gesture of care, he did not have enough knowledge to decide whether it was fever or whether it was only his cold hands.

“I’m alright, don’t worry about me.” I smiled to him. “I guess I’m a little bit of overthinking on how to do the things we need to do from next week on though.”

“Everything will be alright, have some confidence in you. I’ll turn off the lights okay?” he stood up, and I nodded and climbed to my bed. I sat at the corner, just not knowing what to do. “Sleep tight, Sehun-ah.”

No, although he doesn’t move much in his sleep, Joonmyun hyung is not the type to fall asleep easily. He has keen ears and he would hear Chanyeol hyung getting out of the bathroom, or anyone opening the fridge, or the rhythm of my breathing three feet above him just to make sure I was really sleeping. I only needed to contemplate silently, hoping that the sleepiness I had around Luhan hyung on the way would creep back in.

The lights seemed blue outside our window and cars would occasionally pass by. I was trying to see through Jongin’s eyes. Maybe I was just that kind of an old classmate, or that kind of cousin, or that kind of casual company you see in the sole chingu in your group of hyungs. Anything, anything close but a place to come back to.

I sometimes hate myself for being so silent all the time. All the time we joked around, in various scenes and the little matter I have forgotten, I would record Jongin’s smile and laughter. And then I would just laugh with him so we would look like any other eighteen year olds laughing with each other.

I decided that I would just force shut down my thoughts and I climbed down the bed to go to the kitchen and take a glass of water. I carefully got down and to my relief, Joonmyun hyung was fast asleep.

I opened my door silently and almost closed it.

“Really? You’ll have a calculus exam tomorrow? I wasn’t so good at that,” Jongin laughed softly to his cellphone. Such a different tone, compared to his usual, rather rude ones. My being coming outside my door took his attention, and he waved at me while listening. I just gestured him back normally with my eyebrows, then took my glass of water. I guess no one had ever ran into him calling his… girlfriend.

And once someone does, of all people why me?

I was facing the counter pouring the water and I could hear Jongin regretfully trying to hang up the phone, only succeeding right when I turn around to go back to my room. Even my thirst is quenched before I sip the water.

“Dude you walk so slow. Take some sugar with you,” he shouted from the couch as I smiled to it and closed my room door.

The glass made a soft knock on the table as I put it without reducing its contents, then I crawled upon my pillow and sighed as I let myself finally rest.

In a moment, realization and questions by questions hit me by force, squeezing tears to drop from my sober, closed eyes.