“I’ve been in love with you since the second grade…”

I had longed to hear those words since the second grade. 

And yet, when I finally heard them, they made me feel sick. 

Seulgi was drunk and was being smooth like how she was with other girls. Just the week before, she was crying over her short-lived romance with Tzuyu. It was someone else a month ago.

It was routine with us: me in her bed, listening to her gush about this person and that. I wanted her to see me that way, but I wanted her to see only me. In a way, being the only person who seemed to fly under Seulgi’s romantic radar made me feel special somehow. Like women would come and go, but it was Joohyun and Seulgi forever, dreaming about uni and finally living together, and getting out of the tiny town where bubble tea was the only legal teenage pastime.  

But she ruined it.

The moment Seulgi said those words just like that, like I was just one of many, I lost all desire to speak to her. 

She tried to kiss me but I turned my back to her and curled into a ball. 

I heard her crying in the night but that was nothing new. She would be crying over someone else next week. 

I didn’t even cry. I’d been crying over her for years. 

Seulgi was so dense and self-absorbed sometimes. She liked talking about going to college and hooking me up with cute guys, while she hooked up with cute girls in high school. She never even noticed that I had never dated a guy or a girl, ever. And I don't mean to be conceited, but there wasn't a shortage of people who wanted to date me. And yet, I had never given any of them the time of day. I’d never even had a pet. It was only her for me. My life revolved around Kang Seulgi. And she never even noticed. 

Whenever we played Slushie Chicken, and I freaking hated that game because it made my head hurt, like who even likes pain, asks the masochist, but I’d play because I knew it would end with Seul either pinning me down or me straddling her. I’m not sure which position I preferred, I just loved being close to her, wrapped around her, watching her eyes that disappeared into crescents when she laughed. No one else made her laugh like that. Because no one else was her best friend. It was only me. 

Til she ruined everything with her cheap declarations of love.

I avoided her all summer. It hurt to even think about her.