Seeing my parents grow up being lovey-dovey, was a sight to see. I loved seeing it. I loved feeling it. They always made sure to tell me they loved me. To make me feel it and to remind me to share love with others too. Although I grew up knowing how love felt like, I always had this thought running in my mind that I had shared that love before. It felt like a distant memory. Something I couldn’t seem to reach. It was a certain feeling. Different from the love that I get from my daddy and mommy, but love nonetheless. I have tried seeking it before. Trying to talk to people online was the only option because I was too anxious to meet new people in real life. I’m too shy to ask Ningning or Aeri for people they know that I might like. It was nice getting to know them through a screen. I keep getting that “You’re easy to love” or “You’re not hard to love” phrase. But it scared me because love? After 3 days of talking? I felt like an when all I sent them was the song ‘Don’t Say You Love Me’ by M2M before actually thinking of ways to turn them down. Anyway, what I am trying to say, I never found that feeling. I never felt it again. It frustrates me at times because I couldn’t pinpoint that certain moment. When did I feel it? Where did I feel it? And to whom did I share it with? However, after that, I just never had the means to retrace my memory. Instead, I try to grasp it in different scenarios whenever I dream. And with… oh. I remember again. This is weird. But the good news is that I stopped having dreams. Of…uhm… her? But the thing is, when I used to dream about her, I felt close to reaching it. Like it’s on the tip of my fingers. Reaching for that familiar feeling of love. 

The past weeks I have been noticing some emotions I feel with Karina, Jimin, Jagiya? A pang in my chest was felt when I thought about that name call. See? This is one of the ‘some emotions’. It isn’t a heartbreak kind of pang. So what is it?  I remember blushing and crushing on her a bit the first time we met. But ever since we became closer, I don’t feel panicky with her anymore… I think… Only whenever her hands are intertwined with mine. Or whenever she pats my head, looks at me when she fixes my hair on my face, tends to me like I’m an expensive fragile porcelain set from China, when she takes my handkerchief to wipe my forehead, whenever her ethereal face is in close proximity with mine, and… Yea, maybe I still get panicky. But, we’re friends! Surely, people like me panic. You know, introverted people? Since Karina is such an extrovert. It must be normal for her! For sure. I stare at the medium-sized plushie Daddy gave me. It’s a puppy dressed as a pineapple. He gave it to me the moment I started staying at the dorm. He said it could be anything to me. I remember looking at him questionably then he said “Okay. Maybe, so your roommates won’t think you look dumb talking to a void of nothing when you’re talking to the love of my life.” And so I talked to pinedog. I look around to make sure no one sees me or hears me at the dorm. 

Me: So, pinedog. *I lie on my belly, facing the plush.* These emotions for Jimin, what are they? For sure, it’s a different feeling that you and Daddy make me feel. So, I was thinking about doing this experiment…
Pinedog: …
Me: Let me explain! I want to try to be uhm sweeter? I mean, Mommy and Daddy have always been sweet to each other. And I wonder if I ever get to retrace that feeling back. The feeling that my parents must’ve felt. The same feeling that I probably felt when I shared it. I said I wouldn’t retrace it but I wanted to make sure. I have so many things I want to make clear to myself. Like, what are these emotions? Am I really feeling it because Jimin is the girl I pictured in my dreams? Or is it really because of the way Jimin is to me? And how she makes me feel. 
Me: *Showed Pinedog my phone* ‘Wikihow: How to be sweet (With Pictures)’  
1. Be thoughtful towards others.
2. Be caring towards others.
3. Always be polite.
4. Be generous and giving.
5. Consider complimenting others.
6. Be helpful towards others.
7. Use a softer voice.
Me: Okay. 가자 Minjeong! (Let’s go, Minjeong!)

After getting ready for school, I put my game face on and set out to the gate of my dormitory. I swung the gate wide open, eyes closed, feeling the cool breeze and the heat of the sun on my face, smiling from ear to ear. God, I love challenges! Slowly, I open my eyes, ready to see a ray of sunshine in the shape of a human being. My heart dropped at the sight. No Jimin today? A pang felt on my chest. Definitely a little heartbreaking. I check my notifications and there’s not a single message from Jagimin. I didn’t bother messaging because I was afraid I might bother her. So I move on with my day. I sat in class fidgeting. When is she arriving? The class is about to start. 

JJ (Jeongi Jagi): hey… I apologize for messaging you first… 
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): uhm where are you?
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): class has started and you’re…
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): you’re not on this seat beside me

Lunch time.

JJ (Jeongi Jagi): hi again…
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): where is Jimin?
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): Has Jimin eaten? 
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): Karina?
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): Hey Yoo Jimin!
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): I’m eating with Ning and Aeri. They said hi. They also joked that I’ve been meeting them less because of you. But they also said it’s great cause they get to date more often, just the two of them. HAHAHA they’re silly
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): Jagiya? 
Jagimin: baby
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): OH! Hi! Of course, you answer to jagiya 
Jagimin: Respectfully, can you shut up? My notifs are blowing up
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): oh?
Jagimin: omg NO wait let me call
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): ok
 

*in call*

JJ (Jeongi Jagi): explain yourself. Why are you being mean to me? I said with sadness in my voice.
Jagimin: Jagiya~ *cough*
Jagimin: I’m sorry for being cranky…
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): shut up.
Jagimin: Huh? 
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): I’m on my way. (I’ll have one chicken nuggets and 2 bottles of water, please.) 
Jagimin: Are you talking to me? Where are you? 
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): I’m in McDonald's near your condo. Text me your room. I’ll bring you your nuggets. Don’t worry about Ning and Aeri, they know I’m leaving to see you.
Jagimin: You don’t…*cough* have t-to.
JJ (Jeongi Jagi): Send or I’m asking to move sections. 
Jagimin: So mean. But, thank you…

*end call*

Jagimin: 01G, see you baby :) 

Wow, I think I just hit two birds with one stone! Be thoughtful towards others. Be caring towards others. Be generous and giving.  I didn’t even have to think about it. It just came naturally. I proudly took my orders and walked towards the condo. 01G… That’s level 8, if I guessed correctly. I was feeling confident until I was in front of her condo door. My heart is pounding. I’m literally shaking. I cautiously knock on her door as I look around feeling anxious. 

The door slowly opens, revealing a very cute and sickly Jimin. She’s wrapped in her thick blanket signaling me to go in. “My nuggies? Where?” She said being a little jumpy. “You say you’re sick but what is this burst of energy?” I placed my bag on the floor and took a good look at her condo. It’s not big but also not small. There’s a kitchen area, and a small dining area that extends to a small living room. Her bedroom was by the window of her condo with a bathroom that connected to it and the dining/living room and kitchen. Please forgive me. I don’t think I could describe a condo that well. 

While I was preparing Jimin’s food, Jimin was curled up on her couch. Hands on the arm of the couch while her chin rests on it, attentively watching me. “Hungry?” I said. Jimin nods like a puppy. I handed her her nuggets and placed the bottle of water on the coffee table. “Walk me through your condo? Where do you put your medicine?” I asked her. “Everything is in the bathroom. You were so cute spamming me with messages by the way.” She replies, busy eating her food. I blush. Of course, I ing blush. I don't know what to feel. Or more of, I'm feeling so much. Hearing her voice all raspy and low, god maybe I want her to kiss me. WAIT NO. NOT YET! I AM BABY. Her baby... hehehe. MINJEONG. As soon as she told me where it was, I immediately went to take it. When I checked her medicine, there was so much that I panicked. Oh god, what is this? THERE’S SO MANY. I can’t just walk to this bathroom all cool and confident and then walk out just to ask what medicine she has to take?? DADDY KYUNG! 

*in text*
My Princessbabylove: dada, what medicine do you drink when you have colds?
Daddy Pinedog: Are you sick?!! Baby?? 
My Princessbabylove: Not me! My friend… Just tell me!! 
Daddy Pinedog: Ibuprofen is fine love. Who’s sick???? 

I ignored Daddy’s text and took the pill. I also saw a basin and her stack of bath towels. So I put warm water on it, thinking I should wipe a warm towel on Jimin. I mean, that’s what mommy and daddy do to me when I get sick. “Over here jagi…” Jimin said weakly from her bedroom. She looked at me questionably. Probably wondering why I have a basin of steaming water with me. As soon as she took her medicine, I started dipping the bath towel, squeezed it, and started wiping. I started from her forehead, down to her neck, to her arms, and repeated. Jimin looked like she loved it. Being cared for like this. Her eyes were closed, body relaxed. “Mmm. Where did you learn this? I’m gonna drift to sleep.” She murmured. “My parents. They do this when I get a fever.” Jimin just hummed in response. There are so many instances where I just look at her. She looks sick but she also looks so cuddly. I want to hug her so bad. I let out a sigh. “I’m gonna have to go after this, okay? I’ll tell the professors that you’re sick. I take notes so you don’t have to worry about that.” She suddenly stopped me from doing what I was doing and looked straight into my eyes. “Can you come back here after? Uh-hm, sleep for the night?” I paused. “Jagiya,” I said as softly as possible. I smile seeing Jimin go soft whenever I use our name call. “Are you sure? I’ll have to go home and get some clothes.” I gently her hair. There it is again. I feel close to remembering but I can’t. What is this feeling? I shook my thoughts off when Jimin rubbed her head against my hand. “Mhm. I’ll be expecting you. Spare keys in the vase on the coffee table.” She tried to tell me as she drifted to sleep. I took the spare key and chained it to my school ID. I smile at the sight… This feels domestic. I wonder how later will be. I’m kind of excited to come home to her. I just realized that’s three off. Always be polite, Be helpful towards others, and Use a softer voice. I don’t think that challenge is helping to be completely ing honest. Because tell me why a single key got me smiling like I won the lottery.

Before I went back to Jimin’s condo, I decided to drop by the nearby Korean mart to buy some ingredients and a few packs of kimchi to stack in her fridge. When I arrived using the spare key you got from her, you checked Karina's room real quick and saw her still in slumber. It’s still surreal to me, having a key to a condo that isn’t even mine. And knowing that it’s Jimin’s place, it churns my stomach whenever I think about it. Wow, we are really really close friends! Just…two friends… in a condo… This is totally normal. I mean I live with Ning and Aeri in a dorm. 

Daddy Kyung has always cooked this for every occasion. Getting sick, celebrating something small, midnight snacks when we're both hungry, even when Mommy passed away, kimchi stew had always been our comfort food. So I decided to cook kimchi stew for Jimin, hoping it would give her comfort too. Chef Kyung taught me well. He said it was a necessity to learn. So he always kept me near when he was cooking. Even took me to his restaurant to let me ‘get immersed’ even if Mommy hated the risk of me getting hurt. I laugh at the thought with a slight pain in my chest. I really miss them. 

I was preparing the kimchi stew in the kitchen, gently stirring the broth as I thought of all the times my family has shared this meal together. It woke Karina up with the delicious aroma of kimchi stew wafting through the condo. She sniffed the air before her eyes flew open in surprise, and took in the warm atmosphere of the condo and the comforting smell of kimchi stew that came from the kitchen. Her expression softened as she looked at me, her eyes filled with warmth. Her lips curled into a smile as she slowly got out of bed, moving towards the kitchen. "Is that kimchi stew I smell?" She asks with an excited grin. "Yes, I made it for you," I reply with a shy smile of my own. 

She stayed in the dining area and sat patiently at her good-for-4 dining table while watching me move around her kitchen. I look at her for a second, looking cozy and cute with her oversized hoodie. As I resumed setting up the table and food, I heard her sniffling. “How’s your cold? Feeling better?” I asked. “Mhm. The thing you did with the wet towel did wonders! I think I’ll be good by tomorrow.” she smiles. We start eating. And man did I do amazing with my stew. I might just be the better chef. Like, Jesus ing Christ I am a genius! “W-wow. I-” Jimin mumbled. I was just about to brag about my amazing cooking skills. But when I looked up to see her, she had tears forming in her eyes. I could see her holding back but she was betrayed by a tear that slipped, running through her soft cheeks. I panic. Oh God. Oh God. “H-hey, hey, why are you crying?” I said as I rushed to her side of the table, caressing the back of her head while trying to wipe away the tears that kept flowing. She nuzzled her head to my neck, still crying. “It’s okay, I’m here,” I said, reassuring her. I don’t what to do. Why is she crying? Is it something on my food? Was it too spicy? I don’t think it is. God, what would Daddy do? I got so worried I just added, “Is my kimchi stew so good that it made you cry, Jagiya?” She cried even more. What is happening? I am so confused and worried and AAAAA!!! “Why did you say Jagiya, now I can’t stop crying!” she cries out facing me for a second, with a big pout plastered on her face before nuzzling back and hitting my thigh gently. Cute. “Hm? I thought you liked being called that?” I handed her a glass of water to keep her calm. “I do, it’s just. The stew brought me back a lot of… memories. Home…” she looks at me shyly. “And you calling me Jagiya just seals the deal, you know?” she added. “Awe, my jagi. I’m here for you. That’s what friends do…right?” Jimin removed her eyes from me and just continued eating. “All the crying made me hungry. Hehe,” she sniffled. I nodded and went back to my seat in front of her. 

After cleaning up, I got ready for bed preparing how I could make myself comfy on her sofa. I saw Jimin open her fridge to get something to drink. “Jeongi? You stacked kimchi in my fridge?” she turns to me from the kitchen. “Mhm,” I replied. “Thank you, Jeo. You know, for a person who doesn’t know much about anything Korean, this is very Korean of you.” she laughs. ? I laughed as well. A little too much that it surprised Jimin, probably because this is the first time she’s seen me laugh my heart out. It wasn’t even that funny! I was just shocked she said it and I felt attacked in a joking way. “Gotta give credit to my eomma (mom)” I said kissing my fist and then pointing to the heavens. “She wanted me to keep some Korean in me. She said it was to help me with my own identity.” Jimin nods. “That makes sense. I mean, you are Korean. That’s something you have to accept and embrace.” It made me pause. That’s what my mom used to tell me. Jimin sits beside me on the sofa. A whiff of her scent passes by, bringing me back to earth. “So, tell me about your mom.” The night ended with me talking about my parents, how mommy passed away, how I repressed memories of being in Korea, and the sole reason why we moved here. Jimin just looked at me intently. As if she was trying to take it all in and understand everything about me. I felt vulnerable. A little too vulnerable, like a subject through the looking glass. However, Jimin had a different reaction. Despite her attentiveness, she was soft? It’s like something just came to her like a revelation, an answer. At least that’s the reaction I get whenever I figure out or remember an answer to a graded test. It confused me a little but I didn’t want to pay much attention to it. 

I was about to start getting comfortable on the sofa when she dragged me to her room. At this point, I was getting nervous. This is her personal space… she’s letting me invade her personal space. Is this alright? Am I sleeping on the floor? That’s fine. It’s not a big deal I can just – Jimin pulls me into her arms while she is lying on her bed. I was in a sitting position, her hands around my waist. hELP. Panic. Sweating. THIS IS GAY KARINA. PLEASE HAVE MERCY. “Please stay beside me tonight. It has been an emotional roller coaster and I am getting better anyway. I just need comfort right now. And you are the closest one to home for me.” I gave in and lay down next to her under her comforter. I believe she had time to change her sheets and all because I don’t remember these being colored blue now. 

As soon as I lay down and got comfortable, Jimin s her arms to my waist hugging me. I was taken aback by Jimin's sudden embrace but quickly relaxed when I realized that it was just her being affectionate. She snuggled up to me and nuzzled her head against my shoulder, her body curled into mine like a cat. My body instinctively leaned into Jimin's embrace, my heart beating faster as she squeezed me tighter. I felt her soft hair brush against my face, and the scent of her hair filled my nose. The warmth of her arms around my back enveloped me, and I closed my eyes, lost in the sensation of her closeness. I couldn’t help but smile at her innocence, and I gently played with her soft hair. Jimin let out a contented sigh and relaxed in my arms as I hugged her back. Her gentle breathing gradually signaled to me that she was starting to drift off to sleep. This feeling. I swear I’ve felt this somewhere, sometime in my life. It was what I’d been longing for but couldn’t quite reach still. you wikihow, I never needed you! It dawns on me. My dreams that I don’t get anymore still bother me. She was the girl in my dreams. And now that she’s here, the dreams were gone. But it’s still so ing weird to think that she suddenly became a real human being in my life. Oh god, but she smells so good right now. I’m getting intoxicated. I sigh. it and my thoughts! I am gay and should be embracing this sapphic moment. Good night!