Karina used to think she's a bad mom for thinking about the things she missed out on because she became a mom unexpectedly.

The guilt used to eat her alive. 

Sa mga panahong yun, sa tingin niya ay hindi niya deserve maging nanay. Kasi bakit siya nangungulila sa mga bagay na nagagawa niya dati nung wala pa siyang anak?

Inggit na inggit din siya sa mga kaibigan niyang walang responsibilities sa buhay kundi ang sarili nila. It was to the point na naiinis siyang mag view ng stories sa IG because she would get so jealous of her friends having fun meanwhile she hasn't even showered for two days at amoy gatas pa siya. 

Karina missed being childless. She missed going out with her friends. She missed traveling. She missed having a life. Most of all, she missed herself. 

When Luna was six months, Giselle, Ning, and Winter had all planned to go on vacation. Nakavideo call pa silang apat, talking about their trip to Boracay. Yung tatlo niyang kaibigan talked as if sasama si Karina. Parang nakalimutan yata nila na may anak na siya. 

Feeling utterly jealous and annoyed, bigla na lang nag leave si Karina sa call nila which surprised everyone. 

That was Karina's nail to the coffin. 

Ibang klase yung guilt na nafifeel niya and basically broke down after putting Luna to bed. She felt so bad for thinking about how being a mom has made her feel so alone. 

Ang bigat sa damdamin. And it was hard to accept that she was feeling that way. Sabi ng mommy niya, blessing si Luna. But why was she feeling that way?

Karina was so tired of being a mom — and a single mom at that. Nahihirapan siya mag-isa and it was so hard finding her footing in her new normal. 

Pero kahit ganyan yung nararamdaman niya — the exhaustion, the jealousy, the guilt — she has not once regretted being a mom.

Karina loves being Luna’s mom. Karina loves taking care of Luna. Karina loves seeing Luna grow.

Kahit na pagod na pagod siya at wala siyang kasangga sa childcare, Karina has never once regretted bringing Luna into the world. 

Hindi man planned si Luna, it was still Karina's decision to go through with the pregnancy. At paninindigan niya ang pagiging nanay ni Luna until her dying breath. 

These emotions were so complicated for Karina. Postpartum pa siya. Ang hirap i-navigate ang sarili niya sa tamang pag-iisip pero Karina has no choice. 

Hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit ganyan lang ang mga iniisip niya. 

Was she actually a bad mom? 

It was a call from Giselle that woke her up from her self-destruction. The concern was already evident sa boses ni Giselle when she picked up her phone. 

“Are you okay, Karina? Bigla kang umalis.” 

Nahiya si Karina. Hindi naman