The next day Maestro Arrau required me to make a field trip to the symphony orchestra practice sessions. He said I needed some time away from the piano exercises and more time trying to find inspiration. What exactly he meant by that I had absolutely no idea, but here I was nonetheless.

The symphony met every afternoon after morning sessions to practice. Because the seasons were changing, the orchestra was preparing for another season of performances as well. The Winter Concerts were in two more months, and everyone who cared was up and about preparing setlists and practicing.

Junsu, this year's conductor, was sitting on the front row with his legs crossed as he thumbed through three thick books of sheet music. I took the seat next to him and scanned the books he was reading: Bach, Brahms, and Beethoven.

“Hey,” he said in his thick Daegu accent, as soon as I was seated next to him. “Will you help me out?” he passed me the Bach, and I immediately scowled at him. Junsu knew I hated the Baroque period. He knew this because Junsu and I had shared many a theory class together, we were friends, in the sense of it.

I hit his arm with the thick book and he merely laughed at me, taking it back, “Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, here.” he took the Bach, and handed me the Beethoven instead, “I'm open to suggestions.”

The Winter Concerts were one of the most looked forward to of the performances held every year, not only was it an avenue for music students to showcase their abilities, it was also one way to literally sell yourself for a shot at a future career. Many concertmasters and maestros from foreign schools would come watch looking for the next virtuoso to train abroad, this was, you could say, one goal I had in mind. I wanted to be an internationally acclaimed pianist...just like most of the students here. Competiton would always be tough, and the fact that I've never been entered in any competitions will always be dangling in front of me, mocking me, taunting me.

What exactly was I supposed to learn here?

“We've already decided on Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto no. 1 in Bb with Nichkhun as our pianist, but with his schedule, I'm not so sure if he's a sure in for the night. He's been getting way too many offers lately.”

I kept my face straight as Junsu spoke, did that mean that Nichkhun was going to be here during rehearsals?

“We still need an alternate pianist if he can't make it for one of the schedules.”

“Do you have anyone in mind?” I asked, hoping that there wouldn't be a need for an alternate pianist.

“Well, there's Lee Taemin, and Seo Seohyun, but I'm a little unsure about them at the moment. They're skilled, yes, but there's still something missing. They don't have that...something.”

Something. The one thing Maestro Arrau demanded of me as well. What was this something, and how was I supposed to acquire it?

I thumbed through Beethoven's Symphonies with only half my mind into it. The notes were dancing off the page and creating music in my mind, but nothing was really making an impact. What Junsu needed was a piece to wow the audience, and what I needed was to learn how to do that. Was that it? Was that why I was here? To learn from Junsu?

“So, how exactly does one draw a reaction from the audience?”I asked.

Junsu looked at me funny, his face splitting into a smile, “Its funny you ask that. You're too technical. Loosen up. Maestro Arrau told me you'd be coming in for the next few weeks to sit in. Just relax and be comfortable. I know the way you play, and I know Maestro probably already said this, but I'll still say it again. You're too controlled and you need to learn to let go.”

What was it with people and telling me I'm too controlled? I am not. I happen to be very spontaneous.

“Jundyu.”

“Hmm?'
 

“I'm a very spontaneous person right?”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Yah!” There really was nothing else to say but that. And hit him with the Beethoven like there was no tomorrow.

“Yah! Stop abusing the book!” screamed a low husky voice.

Junsu and I both turned towards the source of the voice. Ok Taecyeon bounded towards us, his eyes flashing with aggravation. He grabbed the book from my hands and clutched it at his chest, “If you two want to kill each other leave the book out of this!”

I raise my hands in mock surrender, “He started it.” I said, not even bothering to sound apologetic.

I turn to Junsu laughing next to me, “But it wasn't me using the book as a weapon of mass destruction.” he retorted. He had a point, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of making it.

“Have you decided yet Mr. Conductor?” Taec asked Junsu.

I was glad for the distraction. Of course, I'm never in deep trouble with these two. Ever. You could say, outside Yewon and Yoojin, Taec and Junsu would be the next best thing for me.

“So what exactly brings you here?” Taec asked, this time the question was directed to me.

I looked at Junsu first, unsure if which one of us should answer Taec's question first. He just shrugged, so I took that as my sign to go on ahead.

“Maestro Arrau had me take a field trip here to study some techniques and-”

“Maestro needs her to not be so stiff.” Junsu cut in, and I sent him a glare, to which he only shrugged. “Still the same problem from before. It's not as if she's managed to resolve that issue.” he continued.

“What you need is a boyfriend.”

My eyes shot up and straight to Taec. That was not something I expected to hear from him, of all people. A boyfriend? Funny thing to hear from him, when he doesn't have a girlfriend yet he plays perfectly fine. No, I don't think that would help...would it? Would falling in love really open you up into a world like no other? Is that why everyone is so caught up with it? Is that why everyone talks about it in literature and in song? Is this the reason why people are so willing to fall into it even after falling out of it? Even after getting hurt?

“Have you ever fallen in love?”

The question surprised even myself, and it came from me! Taec and Junsu just looked at me curiously and small knowing smiles splayed on their faces.

“Wouldn't you like to know?” Taec teased. I shot him a look, but he remained unfazed.

This wasn't the first time the three of us have had this conversation, and I doubted it would be the last as neither of them have yet to tell me the answers I needed to hear. It was from this similar conversation that that one thought began to plague me ever since the Maestro expressed his deep concern for my lack of intuition as I played the piano. Whether this conversation and the answers it had for me were relevant, I was never certain of, but I was certain that it would help me for sure. If anything, I was at least proud of my own dedication for my music. That was one thing I was definitely passionate about.

“So maybe we'll do Seventh?” I heard Junsu say.

Beethoven's Seventh Symphony, completed in 1811 after years of touring with the Fifth and the Sixth Symphonies; Beethoven finally released this piece that differed from his previous, and even his future, works. Unlike his other symphonies, the wind sections are stronger and more dominant with their own theme and not just as an accompaniment to a string-dominated melody line. This special treatment for woodwinds requires formidable clarinets, oboes, and flutes. I scanned the area and immediately my eyes land on Lee Junho sitting on the oboe line t his reed.

“Well, we have two pieces set, just one more to go. I think we can go with an Oboe Concerto or a Violin Concerto for the last piece.” Junsu stated, picking up two more books from the floor, a Mozart and a Mendelssohn. While the selected pieces had no uniting theme altogether, they were all basic learning pieces for students and future soloists. All of which showcased exactly what was needed to be shown for a shot at a future career.

“After our performance, we can all reconvene for the Holiday Concerts in the field. Most of the students we have here are accompanying the chorale anyway. Aaaah...we're all set then.” Junsu mused. Like him, I was excited for the concerts as well, excited, but I couldn't help but feel a little melancholic thinking about the holidays.

Junsu and Taec continued on to practice, and I remained in my seat, watching, waiting. Today was just giving out the required readings and testing out the piece and rearranging seats. Taec was first chair this season, with Wooyoung next to him, both were prominent figures in the College, as with many others in the hall.

I sighed. It seemed that I was one of the few who remained in obscurity within the College of Music. Oh, I knew a few people, friends, acquaintances, people I were in familiar terms with, but as a musician, I was in the background, looking up at the others who shined much brighter than I. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, and now, more than ever, was I determined to break through this block in my path.

Yes, that's what it was. A stumbling block I had to overcome.