The wind was cool that night and while I wasn't one for heights, I found that sitting this high up on the fire escape gave you a new perspective on a lot of things. You could even say it was the perfect night, the moon was full and it looked larger than the usual, even with the snow nipping slightly at my nose, it was calming.

The confusion of the last two days was finally getting to me and as much as I wanted to run from it all, my brain just couldn't let it go. The thing was, what bothered me more was not Taec and Junsu, even Ian's brilliant plan, but the fact that seeing Khun with another girl didn't bother me as much as I thought it should have. Was Taec right? Was I simply in love with the idea of being in love because people kept telling me that it was one solution to my flat performances on the piano?

Sometimes being too rational can be a problem.

“Hey.”

Perhaps I was hoping for that. I looked to my side and Jay was there on his side of the fire escape, the metal creaking a bit as he made his way towards me. He sat next to me, this time not shoulder to shoulder as he usually does, leaving empty air between us.

“Hi,” I said, leaning back on the cold metal behind me.

“You okay?”

The touch of concern in his voice was disconcerting and I rolled my shoulders to ease the feeling off. “I'm fine, thanks for telling me.”

Jay's face was clearly contrite and I couldn't help but feel apologetic to him as well. Why? I wasn't sure why, but the lump in my chest was rising to my throat and I didn't like the feeling very much. “I appreciate you telling me...or showing me.” The air was admittedly stiff around us and I wasn't sure if it was because of the nature of the conversation or if it was because Jay and I never really talked like this before.

“Yeah,” Jay looked like he wanted to say more, but he kept quiet on his side of the ledge, choosing to swing his legs back and forth instead.

“Hmmm...” The best I could come up with was a hum just to fill the static in the air. It was getting hard to breathe, but not the kind you wanted out of.

“You know...” the tentative tone in his voice was back and I turned to face him, “you can, like, cry, it's cool.”

I laughed, and it was obvious he wasn't expecting it with the way his lips tugged down and his brows drew together. “What?”

He looked completely confused, the pink in his ears diffusing towards his nose and cheeks. “You know...”

It was cute the way his voice lilted and I resisted the urge to flick his nose, “I told you, I'm fine.”

“Fine...what does that even mean? I mean, you just...with Khun...and...”

It was hard to resist the grin that split my face, “I'm fine, as in, I'm not...sad. Not really, not about Khun.”

“But didn't you...uh, like him? You said you were going to make your movie moment come true.”

“I did, but I guess, it wasn't Khun? Taec...was right...”

Jay straightened up from his seat and his eyes shot up, alert and alarmed. “Taec? You talked to Taec?”

I shook my head, “I...uh...I overheard you talking to Taec this afternoon.”

“What...what did you hear?”

I shrugged, “Thanks for being so concerned, but Taec was right, Khun and I...I guess, if I really liked him, I should have been crushed. But as you can see I'm actually...fine.”

“You don't look...fine.”

“I am, I'm just a little...disappointed I guess. I kinda hoped, this would be it. Maybe what I really liked about Khun was his music and that's all it was. It was nice of him to help, I don't want to find out what Junsu and Taec asked him to do exactly, but...Khun really helped me.”

“Then why do you look so sad?”

The question took me off guard and I caught myself staring at Jay instead. “Huh?”

“Well, more than usual.”

More than usual? I had to blink to make sure I was still on the fire escape down my apartment window with the same Jay Park I've had more or less this weird friendship with. He looked sincere and I wasn't sure how I wanted to react to him. This was a side to him I never thought I'd see, and I see many sides to Jay Park.

“Ah, it's just that...you...” Jay continued, but maybe he should have just kept quiet because I couldn't stop the laugh from bubbling from my lips. “Don't laugh.” he frowned.

I pretended to compose myself but Jay saw right through that too and he pulled his lips down to another frown. “I'm just really disappointed in myself.” I admitted.

“Why, you're...” When he stopped abruptly the air was suddenly awkward again.

“I'm...?”

“Don't feel bad if Khun doesn't- he's being an idiot anyway, and he-”

“I'm not disappointed about Khun not liking me...not really. I just...I feel silly, you know? I...really wanted it...but...not...him, I don't know, I-”

“I get it.”

Again the awkward air was back, and I looked away to the far distance; the wind cracked in my ear, and I could both out breathing. I pulled my legs up to my chest, but not because of the cold.

“So, uh, you're cold, you should get inside.”

I nodded and Jay was already up when I looked at him. He offered me his hand and I took it, aware of the heat that radiated off it. He pulled me up easily, and I bolted right up face to face with him, feeling his hot breath on my cheek. For a moment we stood there, not moving, just breathing, and for a split second my heart skipped a beat when Jay's face shifted ever so slightly towards me.

I always for being shorter than his friends, but right now I wanted to take it all back. This close, Jay was a whole head taller than I was and I did not appreciate the way my eyes were drawn to the way his adam's apple bobbed up and down. My eyes flitted upwards at the sound of my name on his lips, and the same smoldering gaze he had on stage was drawing me in and so much so that everything was a blur. He laid his hands on my arms, and I held my breath for what he was about to do.

The knots in my stomach twisted around over and over again as time slowed to a largo while the metronome in my head was ticking away, counting the beats of my heart as it followed a prestissimo. It felt like a build-up to the to a piece, slowly and painstakingly towards a crescendo that would literally blow you away.

“You should get inside.”

And everything just dropped to a stop so abruptly that I was dizzy from the force it took to stop whatever it was that was going on. Jay pushed me inside my window, and I resisted just enough to say one last thing.

“The Holiday Concerts, I...uh, I'll be playing...finally, I uh...”

“I know, I'll see you there...practice hard.”