Author’s Note: This story is set in an alternate universe, in an imaginary town and country, and during an ambiguous time period.

 

Yunho felt guilty as he sat down for breakfast Sunday morning.

 

After helping clear the table and wash the dishes, Yunho sat down and tried to type up a text for Jaejoong. 

 

He was impressed that Jaejoong hadn’t sent him a million texts when he noticed he never replied or, better yet, called him on the phone to chew him out.

 

Hey…

 

Yunho erased it.

 

Sorry for the reply just now. I…

 

He erased that one, too, and went back to the first text message.

 

Hey.

 

Just like he did to Jaejoong last night, Jaejoong does to him. He never even opened the text message. Yunho was ignored all of Sunday and even Monday morning.

 

Feeling even more guilty and realizing how he had humiliated Jaejoong, Yunho texted him again right before he got on his bike and started making his way to school.

 

That text, too, was ignored.

 

—---

 

Yunho got to class before Jaejoong and his friends.

 

Changmin had pulled up a chair and was sitting directly across from Yunho at his desk and was going over his homework. Changmin was his homework buddy and it was their job to take two minutes at the beginning of class to go over their answers with a partner and circle the questions/concepts that together they couldn’t help each other understand and ask Ms. Sik during their review session—the first fifteen minutes of class. 

 

Changmin was the only one working, Yunho was watching the door and juggling his foot. They were early. The bell hadn’t even gone off yet.

 

Where was he? 

 

He was going to be late. In thirty seconds, the bell would go off.

 

Jaejoong was late to class. 

 

Halfway through class, he walked in with a cup of what looked like it could be hot chocolate or coffee. He sat down, took out his class material and started working. He never made eye contact with Yunho. Not even when they were moving around the class and working pairing up to answer one question at a time from their worksheet. Not even when Yunho tried to get his attention. 

 

He talked to everyone, smiled at everyone, and even shared his drink with a glowing Aki before he made eye contact with the guy he had been begging forgiveness from.

 

After class, as the students walked out, Yunho caught up with Jaejoong before he could disappear to his next class. 

 

He slid behind him and said, “Hey, can we talk?”

 

He gasped and flipped around. He said nothing for a few seconds, just blankly stared at an increasingly uncomfortable Yunho. 

 

He finally broke the silence. “What?”

 

“I deserve that,” Yunho said, “but I am sorry.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“For not replying as soon as you texted.”

 

He smiled at Yunho, his eyes were cold and reserved. “I’m good. We’re good.” He reached in his pocket for his phone and smiled at what he saw. “Hey, let’s catch up later. I have to run.” He waved and left Yunho standing there looking as stupid as he felt.

 

What was this? He wondered.

 

—--------

 

Yunho did feel like .

 

Jaejoong was trying so hard to connect with him, had been so open, and was taking the blame for what happened between them. Howedver, there he was, pushing him away and doing stupid things to hurt his feelings. He was being vindictive. He needed to stop. He was to blame here, too.

 

Later at work, Yunho tried again. Jaejoong was cordial, but he was closed off and evasive until it was time for him to go home. He turned down his grandmother’s dinner invitation.

—---

 

Tuesday was the same.

 

By Wednesday evening, as Yunho took his nightly shower, he wondered if this was it. 

 

All the time they’ve hung out, all the heart pouring they’ve done, though not much, meant nothing. 

 

Jaejoong never meant he was shower and wanted to give this his all.

 

And as he took that angle, Yunho started to get upset. Angry, actually.

 

His mind was racing furiously.

 

By the time his shower was done, he was fuming.

 

Lying in his bed, tucked under his thick blankets, he stared at the ceiling, feeling glum about the whole thing. He was to blame here. This was his fault. He was the jerk that ignored his text when he had asked him to hang out with him.

 

Thinking about the state of his life and his desolation, his phone lit up and started buzzing. Yunho grabbed the phone. Jaejoong was calling.

 

He quickly picked up.

 

“Hel—”

 

“Yunho! you.”

 

Yunho quieted down, startled. 

 

“You’re a piece of , you know that, right?”

 

Yunho didn’t know if that was a question that deserved a response.

 

“Say something!”

 

“Jaejoong, I…I admit I am sorry for ignoring you text, but I did reply and I—”

 

“You left me on read!”

 

“I did. I admit that. And also that it was ty of me.”

 

“What do you even want, Yunho?”

 

“What do you mean?” He rolled his his side.

 

“Why are you being like this? I just want us to get to know each other again. I know what I did was horrible, and I live with the guilt every day, Yunho, but I want us to try to…I don’t know!”

 

Yunho didn’t say anything for a few seconds, letting the silence soak in between them.

 

“Are you done ranting?” he finally asked.

 

“No. If you don’t think you can forgive me, just let me know. Be upfront, man.”

 

SWallowing air, Yunho confessed, “I don’t think I can forgive you. I don’t know if I can.”

 

Jaejoong gasped, and Yunho could hear the pain in his voice.

 

“I want to. I am trying.”

 

“Then…what are we even—no, what am I even doing here, Yunho?”

 

“Whatever it takes to make you feel better about this whole mess.”

 

“No, I want you to—”

 

“Forgive you.”

 

“No! Stop putting words in my mouth. I want you to see me as a friend. Not right now, but one day. If you can’t even see yourself forgiving me, then, why are we even doing this?”

 

“I’m sorry for the delayed response.”

 

“That’s not what we’re talking about here, Yunho.”

 

They were both silent.

 

“Yunho, can you ever see yourself forgiving me? Do you want to? Can we be friends?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“To what?”

 

“To all. I promise to try. I….” He his bottom lip before biting it. “I just need you to allow me to move at my own pace. I won’t promise to hang out with you at school, or really out of school, too, but I’m willing to…try. Just, my pace is much slower than yours. I just have a lot going on.”

 

He heard Jaejoong breathing on the other side before he said, “Want to share?”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. I am sorry, too.”

 

—-------

 

“I really miss eating over at your house.” Jaejoong said as he Brownie’s back, scratching the base of her head, eliciating a stream of satisfied purrs from .

 

“You know they would have allowed you to come over, right?”

 

“I guess, but you not being here made it feel weird,” Jaejoong said, flipping through Yunho’s chemistry textbook with his free hand.

 

“I guess,” Yunho said with a shrug. “But they’re really happy that you’re here.”

 

“More like they’re pleased that we’re not fighting anymore.” Jaejoong laughed.

 

“Yeah, that, too,” Yunho said and clicked his pen. 

 

There was a moment of silence. Yunho looked over at Jaejoong. Their eyes met and Jaejoong cupped his cheek and said in a murmur, “Me too.”

 

Yunho’s heart jumped. 

 

Yunho hated his reaction to those two, innocent little words.

 

“Jaejoong, you say the most embarrassing things.”

 

Or he was being ridiculous.

 

“What?” He frowned and leisurely chuckled, his eyes running over the open textbook’s page.

 

His heart did that loopy thing again. It was a jittery feeling and he didn’t like it. It set him on edge. This was Jaejoong Kim, for Pete’s sake.

 

Jaejoong had no boundaries—he was the boy that convinced his stupid that they should practice kissing each other so that they could become masters at kissing and get girlfriends. It was still hard for Yunho to decide on appropriate reactions to his bluntness. 

 

It had been a while since he’d deal with someone who says whatever comes to his mind without filtering his thoughts. The last time was Jaejoong. If he didn't count his mother, but, she was his mother.

 

 Yunho cleared his throat and looked over at where Jaejoong was on his bed, lying on his belly, legs up and crossed at the ankle loving up on Brownie. She was his absolute favorite of the three cats.

 

“Please stop.”

 

“I just said that I’m glad we made up,” Jaejoong whined, his eyes twinkling.

 

Yunho bet he knew what his bluntness did to him. It was clear when the tip of his ears kept on getting red.

 

“Whatever,” he muttered under his breath, biting the smooth skin of the inside of his bottom lip.

 

“We used to have so much fun,” Jaejoong said tenderly, as if he was remembering a really nice memory. He closed the book and dropped it on the bed, and rested his chin on the cover.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Remember those nights spent camping in the backyard? The tree house?”

 

Yunho did not want to.

 

Shrugging, he hummed his answer.

 

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

 

“Sure, go ahead.” Yunho tried to focus on completing his homework.

 

“How did you know you were gay?”

 

He lost all concentration and interest in his homework. He spun his chair around and he stared at Jaejoong. “What?”

 

Jaejoong sat up. “I mean, I’m just wondering?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why?” He cast his eyes down. He lifted a shoulder. “Just wondering.”

 

Yunho blinked over at Jaejoong, his mind going a mile a minute. 

 

Yunho decided that, even though he wanted there to be a clear distance between them, he wasn’t opposed to opening up to him a little bit right now.

 

“I’m still the same guy.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.”

 

“I know. It’s just, I don't know how to satisfy your curiosity. I was gay when we were little, too.”

 

Jaejoong’s head snapped up, eyes wide he quickly refuted what he was implying. “No! That’s not why I’m asking.”

 

“No? Then why?”

 

“I…” just then, his phone buzzed. He grabbed his smart phone and checked the text message. He frowned as he typed something out.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hmm?” Jaejoong looked up.

 

Yunho was upfront. “Why are you asking?”

 

Sighing, Jaejoong said, “I don’t want to make this a big thing.”

 

“You don’t?” Yunho scowled. He unconsciously leaned over, his gaze clear and intent.

 

Jaejoong could not maintain eye contact, or find the right words. He dropped his shoulders in defeat. Suddenly, he straightened his shoulders, inhaled deeply, acting as if he had the greatest revelation in the world. 

 

Yunho was on the verge of passing out from the intense curiosity that was beginning to fill him.

 

Jaejoong said, making sure he was gazing in Yunho’s direction, but not looking in Yunho’s eyes. “But I feel like that is a lost cause.”

 

“It is?”

 

“I…” He paused, blinked, and bit his bottom lip, his eyebrows furrowing. Finally Jaejoong made eye contact with Yunho. His smile was weak. 

 

With his heart galloping, Yunho wondered what the bomb was going to be. 

 

In a tender, but firmly encouraging voice, Yunho said, “Hey, whatever it is you have to tell me, I’m all ears.”

 

“Right.” Jaejoong laughed, sniffed and started playing with his phone.

 

The silence that ensued was too long, the air too stuffy, and, once again, Jaejoong could not hold his gaze. He dropped it.

 

“Have you ever had to get someone to move on from you?”

 

“What?”

 

Yunho knew that this was not what Jaejoong had wanted to say. He was running away from the issue, but Yunho did not know how to make him tell him something that sounded as serious as it did without coercing him. 

 

Yunho decided to let Jaejoong come to him at his own pace, just like he was allowing him to make space in his life for him at his own pace.

 

Jaejoong looked up and nodded. “I need some advice. It’s Aki.”

 

Yunho stared hard at Jaejoong. He was speechless, and his mind was still reeling from that abrupt backpedal. 

 

“It’s that complicated?”

 

Jaejoong laughed, but he still looked nervous. “I don’t know.”

 

“Well, I don’t know how much sound advice I can give you,” Yunho said softly, trying to appease an edgy Jaejoong, and added, “I’ve never seriously dated.”

 

Jaejoong leaned forward, looking at him. “You can either date or not date. Seriously? What do you mean?”

 

“You’re asking?”

 

“Wha—low shot,” Jaejoong said, scowling.

 

Yunho smiled. “What you and Aki share.”

 

Jaejoong frowned, looking affronted. “It’s not funny.”

 

“I never said it was.”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“You keep saying that, but why?”

 

“We’re not even...dating.”

 

His brows shot up.

 

Well, they could have fooled him.

 

“Really?”

 

“We talked and kissed once—or maybe twice—at a few parties. I was drunk.”

 

“She’s cute?”

 

Jaejoong was silent. He looked pensive.

 

“What? You two would make an okay couple. She matches you.” 

 

“Huh?”

 

“Look-wise.”

 

“You think I am ‘cute?”

 

Yunho laughed, the tip of his ears getting warm. “No. I said Aki’s cute.”

 

“And then you said we matched—look-wise, like one of those old people that sit around and tell every different couple that they see that they’re ‘beautiful’ together.”

 

Yunho rolled his eyes, but he chuckled. His ears cool down. “It was supposed to be a compliment, genius.”

 

Smirking, Jaejoong arched an eyebrow. “Overall, you just said I am cute.”

 

Yunho rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah. Aki is beautiful and—” 

 

“What?” Jaejoong broke into a smile; the smile was titillating, and Yunho felt his brain frying and his mind going white. 

 

“All I said was that you’re not ugly.”

 

Biting his bottom lip, Jaejoong said, “Yeah. I know."

 

Yunho felt his cheeks and ears heating up. Clearing his throat, he tried to still himself to not look away from Jaejoong’s bright eyes.

 

“Gusty and shallow.”

 

“Rude." Jaejoong laughed and the sound was so cute. Yunho had to take a break from their eye-contact by taking a quick break and checking his nails out.

 

"And, I'll return the compliment. You're not ugly, too.”

 

Yunho got washed by that feeling again. It ran through him like an electric shock. He refused to dwell on it. “Thanks. Back to Aki.”

 

“What about her?”

 

“You wanted advice.”

 

“Right. Okay, so you think we match because we look good. Together.”

 

 “Yes. She’s pretty, you think so, too.”

 

“She’s not ugly.”

 

“So, why don’t you want to date her?”

 

Jaejoong had stopped Brownie. She got up and jumped off the bed, and got herself comfortable in front of the bed on the heated floor. 

 

Jaejoong scowled. He looked upset. His reaction confused Yunho. 

 

“It’s complicated and I need your advice because, well, she’s pretty, sweet, funny, and...but I just don’t see her that way.”

 

“And I believe you’ve told her?”

 

He nodded, pressing his lips together. “So, you’ve dated?”

 

Yunho felt his walls firming up. He opened his textbook and flipped to the page his homework was on. “Why are you asking?”

 

“Boys?”

 

“I am gay.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Jaejoong said softly.

 

“I have never seriously dated, repeating.”

 

“But you’ve done....”

 

“None of your business.”

 

“Just wanted to know if—”

 

“If you don’t like her, let her know.”

 

Jaejoong sighed, looked away from him. Casting his lashes low to brush the top of his high cheekbones, he bit his bottom lip and shuttered out, “I...It’s complicated.”

 

Yunho rolled his eyes. “Yeah, no. If you think she’s this great, this sweet, this amazing, you’re just hurting her by dragging her around. Tell her the truth.”

 

“I…it’s complicated. No, really, it is,” Jaejoong said defensively. He looked as if he wanted to say something more but his phone buzzed again. He groaned and said, “She won’t stop.”

 

“Tell her to stop.” Yunho shrugged, arching an eyebrow he twisted around, giving him his back.

 

“Or I’ll just not reply.”

 

“Like I did?”

 

His face soured.

 

“Exactly, you thought it was rude. It is. She seems like a nice girl.”

 

“I’ll only be—” He stopped at the knock on Yunho’s door.

 

“Come in,” he called.

 

His grandmother opened the door and walked in with a small round tray with two mugs and the house phone in the other hand.

 

Jaejoong sat up on Yunho’s bed. “That smells amazing.”

 

“Hot cocoa, sweetheart.”

 

“Yum.” Jaejoong his lips.

 

Handing Yunho the tray, she grabbed a mug. “Come have one,” she said, handing him the mug.

 

“Thank you,” Jaejoong said in a singsong voice, rushing off the bed.

 

“Always, pumpkin.”

 

Jaejoong shared an elated look with Yunho. His grandmother was focusing on him. ”The phone is for you, love.”

 

His heart dropped. He quickly stopped his grandmother from saying more. He grabbed the phone, stood up and said, “I’ll be back. I need to take this.” Before anyone could say anything he flew out of his room.

 

Once in the hall, going down the stairs, he picked up. “Mom.”

 

“Baby, it’s so nice to hear from you. How have you been?”

 

“Good. What about you?”

 

“Huh? Why do you sound like that, love?”

 

“Like what?” He asked, looking behind him to make sure Jaejoong didn’t follow him out.

 

“Are you still upset?”

 

“Mom! I’m not upset.”

 

“You don’t sound it, baby. I know I’ve messed up, but I’m trying my—”

 

“Mom, it’s fine. I’m not upset. Can we talk about happier things? How have you been? I’ve missed you.” He leaned against the wall. He heard his mother’s loud sigh on the other end of the line.

 

“Me too, pumpkin. I can’t wait till I’m back.”

 

He slid down the wall and got into a crouching position.

 

“I heard you’ve gotten close with Jaejoong again.”

 

He scoffed, but smiled. “What don’t you know?”

 

She laughed. “I don't know everything, but I do know a good bit.” She paused, waiting for him to say something, but he did. “Ooh, my baby. I miss you so much. I’m so thankful that you’re getting your life back. How’s your dad? Have you and him—”

 

“We’re good, mom. We’ve been spending a good amount of time together—having a lot of dinners.”

 

They both laughed at the same time.

 

“He’s a good cook, right?”

 

They laughed again.

 

Keeping a straight face, he said sarcastically, “Surprisingly so.”