Yubin used to keep it all to herself  

 

For some people, homoual flirtation or relationship is unusual. Some would say It's already the 21st century! People have learned to be open-minded. Still, though, Yubin had many friends in highschool who are straight and she doesn't have the courage to talk to them about her uality.

 

Thus, she remained a closeted gay.

 

But in her second year in high school, Yubin had the guts to tell one close classmate... about the fact that she likes girls. It actually went well,

 

"Dami, can I tell you something?" Yubin spoke, ending the ten minutes of silence while eating their lunch. Dami continued eating but exchanged glances with Yubin so that she knows she's listening.

 

"Yeah? Sure."

 

Yubin had doubts, will Dami care? Will she mind? Will she think I'm weird?

 

But it's like she feels more and more anxious as seconds pass by and she hasn't said a word. Like time is ticking and Yubin feels Dami's gaze at her more sensitively. It's driving her crazy... It's like she's about to take her clothes off.

 

"I.. I like girls."

 

Yubin took a gulp, and then, like the same amount of time she let pass came back to her when she's in return, waiting for Dami to respond. What would she think of me?

 

"That's.. That's good, Yubin." Thankfully, it seemed like Dami didn't judge her, or that Yubin felt accepted. Dami's smile was really genuine, it made her calm down a little.

 

"Yeah.."

 

"Wow."

 

Should I say something more? Should I explain myself? Why would someone like Yubin need to explain herself? Still, though, she did it out of impulse.

 

"I just thought that- I mean, you're the closest to me-" She began explaining why she's telling her but Dami cut her off.

 

"In our class? Yes, but you have Shiah and none of our classmates really get to talk to you. I got lucky 'cause we're seatmates."

 

Yubin was speechless. She's well-aware that her classmates are not fond of her, or maybe it's her who's not fond of them. The context that caught her attention was the part where Dami mentioned Shiah.

 

Was I too focused on Shiah? Her roommate has been very close to her as well. Shiah asks Yubin to walk her to class every morning since they aren't classmates. And every dismissal, Shiah would be at Yubin's doorway, waiting for her so that they could walk together back to their apartment.

 

It must be a routine by then. Yubin admired the set-up, but she hates that Shiah was doing all of those because they're bestfriends.

 

"Am I the only one who knows?" Dami asks again that caught her attention; brought her back to reality.

 

Yubin nodded. "Yes, you're the first one."

 

"Wow. I feel honored, Yubin. This is great!" Dami giggled and gave her a pat on her shoulder, Yubin just smiled, it still feels a little overwhelming after confessing like that.

 

That's her first experience. She thought Dami would figure out that she likes Shiah but nothing happened.

 

It took long before Yubin had the guts to do it again. She enjoyed liking Shiah and spending time alone with her.

 

For someone who experienced the same thing as Yubin does, the scariest part of it is when her bestfriend- the girl she likes thinks about dating... someone who's not her.

 

"Yubin-ah, wake up. You have exams tomorrow.." Yubin felt a pair of slightly smaller hands grabbing hers, eventually pulling her up from her bed-- still half a sleep. Or maybe three-fourths asleep.

 

It's just pure torture if that happens. Fortunately, Shiah... back in highschool, wasn't the type to date people. She would rather sleep,

 

Yubin chuckles as she's forced to wake up. She saw her roommate crouching on her bed, waiting for her to get up.

 

"You mean, your removal exam?"

 

"You have exams too!" Shiah gave her a slap on her shoulder for teasing. Yubin just laughed even more at her cuteness and pulled herself up and off her bed to prepare some snacks they could use while studying.

 

"And I planned to study tonight." She tells the pouting girl on her bed. Shiah, with her hair tied in a ponytail and her full bangs covering her forehead, eyeglasses hanging on her tall nose; looked at Yubin, glaring.

 

Shiah doesn't care that much about studying, unlike Yubin. But at times like this, she seeks help from her and obviously, Yubin is always willing to help.

 

"How do you do all of this and not get bored?" Shiah asks her as they settled on the kitchen table to review using their books.

 

Yubin glanced at the other girl who was busy writing on her journal, it's a red and black journal Shiah had ever since their first year in high school. Yubin knows she likes writing, but she never had the chance to read Shiah's works.

 

Shiah hasn't asked her if she'd want to read, too. Yubin thinks it's okay if she doesn't want to. It's not like she's out all open to Shiah either, considering the girl's still clueless about Yubin's feelings for her.

 

Yubin clearly knew how and why she was this enthusiastic about studying. Shiah... may be the reason why she studies this hard. I don't know. This could be what they call inspiration.

 

Scared that Shiah would catch her staring, Yubin took Shiah's notebook and started rewriting notes from her book.

 

Being with Shiah may be comforting, but she's loud.

 

"Talk to me." Shiah mumbled, one hand fidgeting on the pen, the other poking Yubin's arm resting on the table. Yubin didn't bother taking a glance, she already memorized Shiah's face that she can picture her bored expression wanting to do things but she knows she can't.

 

"We're studying." Yubin reminded her, she heard Shiah scoffing.

 

"Then why aren't you talking to me?" Is it necessary? My tongue might slip and say I like you. But then again, what does Shiah know.

 

"Shiah," Yubin takes Shiah's poking hand off her arm and placed it down on the wooden table. "I'm writing notes for you, okay?" She muttered as she gets back to writing.

 

Yubin thought she'd stop, but after a few seconds, she felt Shiah's slender fingers wrapping around hers. She should have just stayed loud. How can I focus now that she's holding my hand?

 

The second time she told someone about her ual orientation, it was with Seunghee in their freshman days. It's almost the same talk she had with Dami; same anxiety; same feeling of being exposed, but Seunghee pointed out something else.

 

"Can I ask something, then?" Seunghee picked up their IDs from the registrar counter before they walked away.

 

She and Shiah met Seunghee in their class. When they got admitted to college, Yubin and Shiah finally became classmates, with their dream jobs aligned. Dami went into another university so Yubin thought it's a good opportunity to tell someone new now. It's like having a safety person, someone who knows what she feels.

 

Especially now that Shiah is her classmate. They'd be like.. together 24/7. Pretty risky, Yubin knows.

 

"Yes?" Unlike before with Dami, Yubin is a bit more comfortable having a talk like this with Seunghee. It must be Seunghee's energy.

 

"You said you like girls, right? Is there any moment when you felt like you have feelings for me or am I like an exception?" Seunghee grinned at her and Yubin can't help but chuckle at the slight teasing.

 

As a response, Yubin shook her head. There are people who would make you feel the sparks, and there are people who wouldn't. In her case, she only ever experienced the infamous sparks... with Yoo Shiah.

 

On their way to meet Shiah, Seunghee continued to question her about stuff like,

 

"When did it start?" Seunghee asks her.

 

"I just knew. My parents are also open about it, although many people aren't."

 

Seunghee nodded, humming while listening to Yubin share her stories she hasn't told anyone, even Shiah.

 

"Why doesn't Shiah know?" Here comes the real question. Should she lie? Everyone in their class know that Shiah and Yubin are like, bestfriends forever.

 

She can tell Seunghee that Shiah might be homophobic. But she isn't.

 

She can tell her that Shiah's not really interested in her lovelife. But Shiah is interested. In fact, Shiah asks her about it all the time.

 

Saved by Shiah, Seunghee stopped asking questions when they entered the cafeteria. There she is, the girl of Yubin's life, waving at the saved table for the three of them.

 

"What took you so loooong?" Shiah immediately grabbed her arm to pull her on the seat beside the girl. It's pretty much the usual thing Shiah does every day.

 

Why is she so clingy?

 

"Here's your ID." Seunghee distributed the cards one by one. Yubin took hers-- with Shiah clinging on her arm.

 

Seunghee snorted when Shiah ignored her ID card and instead continued clinging on Yubin.

 

At that moment, Yubin doesn't want to look at Seunghee because if she does, there's a high chance Seunghee would get the hint that she has feelings for Shiah.

 

"Ya, Yoo Shiah, let Yubin eat!" Seunghee pulled Shiah's arm away from Yubin who's struggling to eat her lunch. Yubin actually doesn't mind, but it's true she can't eat properly.

 

"Aww, Seung, come here I'll hug you too!" Shiah teased, hopping off her seat to join Seunghee and give her the same hug she's been spoiling on Yubin earlier.

 

Shiah said, she's just super excited because finally, she's got the same schedule as Yubin and they can eat together now. The thing is, it's been a month and she still does this.

 

"Why am I stuck with YooA and YooB?" Seunghee muttered to herself, but both Shiah and Yubin heard her. They just laughed at the fortunate situation they are in.

 

Yoo A and Yoo B. Those are one of their popular nicknames given to them by their classmates. Something Yubin enjoyed.

 

Why does it have to be with her, always?

 

It could be with other friends. Other people Yubin can be paired up aside from the person-- whose laugh and sole presence makes her photograph herself flying way above the clouds. Why can't it be with someone else?

 

Yubin realized she's in a critical situation now that she's mad about simple nicknames.

 

But seriously, why can't it be with someone else?

 

There's Seunghee, always outgoing and focuses well on class. Meanwhile Shiah.. she just sleeps in class and Yubin's job is to check on her and make sure that if she gets called by the professor, her notes are readily available for her to look at.

 

"Yes, Miss Yoo?" Just like this one. Yubin was busy writing notes when their professor called Shiah. When she glanced over her seatmate, Shiah was dozing off on her desk.

 

Yubin looked around and their classmates are giggling while waiting for Shiah to wake up. Not wanting her girl to be embarrassed, she nudged Shiah's arm, and that immediately woke Shiah up.

 

"Y-yes, sir!" Shiah got up from her seat, exclaiming terribly. Yubin simply passed her notebook on Shiah's desk, the other girl tried to push it away but Yubin insisted.

 

"Care to tell us what happened in your dream?" What? That's not the question. It's annoying for Yubin that Shiah is being embarrassed in class.

 

"Yubin, sir-"

 

Wait, what?

 

"What?"

 

Me? I was in her dream?

 

"I mean- um.."

 

Unfortunately for Yubin's curiosity and fortunately for Shiah, their professor proceeded asking the question in class, from their lecture. "Can you tell me about the implications of the futuristic approach of implementing the smart city ideology in the community?"

 

"Uh.." Shiah's eyes were busy staring at the whiteboard as if she could find the answers there. But Yubin was there for her, tapping at her notebook on the desk.

 

Shiah didn't stop thanking her after dismissal.

 

"Guys! I have something to tell you!" Shiah rushed into their classroom where Yubin and Seunghee are talking. This was the part when I felt like my world collapsed.

 

"Taeyong and I are dating now!" Shiah proudly announced, Seunghee happily congratulated her, Yubin didn't know how to react.

 

That's the first time Yubin wanted to distance herself from Shiah. She even considered changing apartments or transferring to another school but those were just quick thoughts.

 

"Hey Yubin, aren't you happy for me?" Shiah approached her, arm circling around hers.

 

Yubin had to force herself to smile.

 

Why is she like this?

 

Why does it have to be her?

 

Yubin slept it off: the terrible feeling of knowing Shiah is straight, and is now taken by some guy she just met in less than two months. It stings that she had to deal with the hidden unrequited love for 3 years and the guy named Taeyong only needed two months.

 

She managed.

 

It was painful, but she managed.

 

There are times she tells herself she's moving on but it's hard. Especially whenever they go back to their apartment and she'd feel Shiah's fingers slowly reaching onto hers..

 

grabbing her free hand

 

slowly

 

annoyingly slow intertwining their fingers

 

clutching her heart once again;

 

Yubin starts to ask the world- the universe, why? Why is Shiah like this?

 

Why does Shiah hold my hand like I'm the one she's pining for?

 

"Why? Among all people, has it to be my bestfriend, my roommate?"

 

"Why does it have to be Shiah?"

 

"Why.. out of all people did I fall for my bestfriend who can't keep her hands off me?"

 

"I didn't know you've already reached this point.." Seunghee responded, taking her time to inhale everything Yubin blurted out.

 

Just that, one day after some time Shiah started dating, Yubin couldn't take it all anymore.Seunghee still continued to comfort her anyway.

 

"Don't worry, I don't think that guy will last any longer. Shiah had been ranting about him in the past weeks."

 

Yubin had her palms covering her face, so close to tearing up while she sat on her bed. Shiah's out on a date with Taeyong and Seunghee came over.

 

"I.. I hope you're right." She whispers, helplessly, hopefully.

 

And just like Seunghee said, it happened. Shiah broke up with Taeyong, they dated for more than a month. But, unlike what Yubin expected for Shiah's post-breakup behavior, Shiah instead looked fine.

 

"Yubin-aah, study with me, please? I miss you." You do? Yubin couldn't deny it, the same fluttery feelings came back to her after Shiah said that.

 

She pushed Shiah's hug away and continued to walk towards the kitchen to find something to cook.

 

"Are you sure you're okay?" Yubin asks again, ignoring what Shiah said. She heard the girl making whining noises before she was hugged from behind.

 

"I'm fine, I miss studying with you," Shiah answered, the voice was so close to her ear that Yubin thought she'll pass out. Shiah's tone.. It felt different.

 

or maybe she's just delusional.

 

It could be the effect of knowing Shiah's single again.

 

Yubin agreed and Shiah told her they'll meet at the library tomorrow after Shiah's done meeting her parents. It just happened that the next day was the day Shiah's parents are visiting her.

 

For her, she had to meet with Seunghee to finish homework, then planned to teach it to Shiah later.

 

"Hey YooB, you sure you're staying here? There's like one hour left before the library closes, you can just meet Shiah in your apartment, you know." Seunghee told her after some time they had waited for Shiah to come.

 

"I'm fine. I'm sure she'll come."

 

Shiah was supposed to be there about two hours ago. Worried, Yubin texted Shiah's parents just in case.

 

Seunghee joined her for a bit more, waited with her because she's also worried about their friend. But then, Yubin received a text from Shiah's parents.

 

"What did they say?" Seunghee asks.

 

"Shiah already left two hours ago." Yubin read it out loud, "With her boyfriend." She continued, her chest knotting in annoyance.

 

Seunghee gave her a light pat on her back, sensing how bad it felt for Yubin after knowing Shiah's whereabouts.

 

Why are you like this, Shiah?

 

"Yubin! Hey, sorry.. I met Taeyong earlier when I was with my parents-"

 

"It's okay." Yubin cut her off and walked past her. Shiah was there waiting for her in their apartment when she came back. She did not see this coming.

 

"Oh, that's a relief. I thought you were mad.." Shiah muttered, following behind her. Oh my god.. This is torture.

 

"You could have texted me." Yubin mumbled to herself when she reached their room, but of course, Shiah didn't hear it.

 

"Turns out, Taeyong wants to get back with me so I thought, why not give him a chance, ri-"

 

"I don't want to hear it, Shiah. I'm tired." I'm so tired of being your friend. I'm tired of these feelings.

 

Why does love hurt more than it makes one feel good?

 

"OH! Right, did you finish the homework with Seunghee? I was going to reply but Taeyong took-"

 

"Can you please just- stop? I said I don't want to hear it! You bailed on me!" Yubin burst out with anger. Was it unnecessary? Was I being dramatic? Was I too much?

 

Shiah looked at her confusedly, biting her lip as she was taken aback by Yubin's sudden outburst. "Why are you so mad? I already apologized!"

 

Then it hit her, she's right. Why am I acting like this?

 

"I'm sorry.."

 

Shiah sighed and turned out, heading towards her bed. "Go to sleep.."

 

That night.. Yubin couldn't sleep. She can't tell if Shiah's sleeping either, the girl was facing the other way. That was the first time they fought like this. Yubin and Shiah always looked out for each other, always understood each other.

 

It's my fault. I was the one who has secrets.

 

Yubin thought Shiah would avoid her but the next morning, it was like nothing happened last night.

 

While they're in class, Shiah asked her to come with her to the restroom. Yubin initially didn't want to, for personal hygiene reasons.. but she feels in debt because of what happened last night,

 

"If you don't come with me, I'll avoid you for a week," Shiah warned her... and Yubin didn't want that.

 

She's pulled along inside the university restroom in their building. The truth is, Yubin dislikes using public restrooms. Who knows what kind of germs was in here? She'd read a lot of online confessions about couples doing inappropriate activities in the restrooms.

 

"Look." Shiah continued to pull her by her arm, pointing at the doodled, vandalized walls in there. To her surprise, there were a lot of names in there, all answering the big letters written: NAME YOUR TRUE LOVE.

 

"Have you written there?" Yubin quietly asked. No one was there with them, so their voice would echo all over the room, Yubin didn't want that.

 

"Nope," Shiah replied, shaking her head while they continued to read the words on the walls.

 

"Why not?" Yubin gazed over Shiah, a slight smile curving on her lips when she saw the beauty that's been driving her crazy for a long time now. The whole morning, even when Shiah's acting normal.. Yubin can't look at her, still because of her impulsive actions last night.

 

"Maybe.. I haven't found someone yet." Shiah muttered, and Yubin had one question in her head: you haven't?

 

"Really? How about Taeyong?"

 

Shiah laughed at the mention of her ex? Yubin's not sure if he and Shiah got back together yesterday. "Okay, maybe I found someone but I don't know, I don't see the person being with me.. that way yet," Shiah explained herself.

 

"You're being weird," Yubin said honestly, thinking Shiah's being ridiculous.

 

But that may be it, people don't see what they're not looking for. Shiah didn't want to see Yubin as someone who could be her lover.