Chapter 14  Only Love — 1

Title: Only Love—1

Author: Chiiryu Jung

Date created: July 3rd, 2017

Date posted: September 17th, 2017

Genre: Romance

Pairing: Yunho x Jaejoong / Yunho x Taeyong

He has his eyes.

He has his vibes.

He has his laughs.

It was the day when his appearance struck me like a thunder. That day when he was smiling brightly at me and greeting me with so much enthusiasm. I was in awestruck. Maybe Changmin sensed it that’s why he nudged my side.

Jaejoong ah?

“Good afternoon, Yunho sunbaenim. My name is Lee Taeyong. It’s my pleasure to meet you! I am your fan!” He said politely cheerful. I was awaken from my daze of his eyes. His beautiful eyes. I thought I saw him. But then I realized he is not him.

Lee Taeyong. I tasted the name on my tongue. Felt so foreign.

“Oh. Afternoon,” I smiled yet the smile didn’t actually reach my cheekbone. Honestly at that time I don’t know who was I send that smile for. The soft side of me was clearly be seen so that people around us noticed it. They knew Jung Yunho didn't play favorites. So when The Leader smiled like that they knew Taeyong is special.

I was distracted. As long as he was a trainee, I found myself healing times since I couldn't be with him. Because he is now out of my reach. Because I couldn't meet him. Because all of our connections were cut. Because I couldn't even spell his name with my mouth. Even people who knew about us stay silent, afraid to hurt any of ours feeling. Thinking it was a sensitive topic. He was hidden from me. So when I long for him, I would look for Taeyong's eyes. Because at least I could see him in him. Because Taeyong reminds me of him. Because he resembles him way too much.

He quickly becomes my medicine. My eyes always search for him. From afar Taeyong really looks like him. At least it cured my longing for him. I was so eager whenever I need to come to the company for the trainee briefing. Company wants me to be the rookies' role model. They told to say this and that. Not that I care about that at the moment. There is only one thing in my mind as I walked into the building. I want to see his eyes. It was regular but short. It was only short time but I could see him. Nonetheless, it was enough for me. I was happy enough to hear his “Yes, Sunbaenim”.

His group was formed and I attended some of his class as the company instructed me to. I complied with no argument. I did my job seriously though. I become the trainee members’ place to consult about their training. I spend the years just like that. Doing my passion as a singer, in the same time doing my job as a rookies’ trainer. All the while staring at his eyes and smiling when he laughs. I keep telling myself it helps me to heal. It helps me to snitch the wound inside my heart that bleed for the lover I can't keep by my side. I keep telling myself I should move on my own life. Two years has passed, or maybe longer when Taeyong ran to me and said he would follow me to the stage in no time.

“Sunbaenim, I will debut soon!!” Taeyong pants from the run. “I will be in a group! And I love the concept they put on us,”

“That's awesome,” I grin. More chances to see you on stage. “What will your group name?”

“They are still talking about it,” Taeyong says. “I hope the name as strong as TVXQ,”

I smile at that. “Name is your identity. But what you do is what makes you. Hard work, Taeyong ah. People will remember you as someone great who works hard,”

“Yes, Sunbaenim!” Taeyong straightens his back, eyes shine with spirit. “Where are you going now, Sunbae?”

“I'll get a coffee with Donghae and Yesung,” I start to walk but stop right away. “Wanna join?”

“Oh, no no. I'm not really close to many seniors so it will be awkward,” Taeyong bows continuously. “Well then it would be great if I could hang out with Yunho sunbaenim later when you are not busy,”

Hm? At that moment my heart speeds up. “…sure,” I says a bit reluctantly but the boy is too excited to notice it.

“Can I get your number Sunbae? I promise I won't spread it. Like, foorrr rreeeaaalll. I won’t even share with Jaehyun and Winwin,” He makes a cute gesture. I chuckle. Even he does cute things to get what he wants, just like him. “I could ask about the training and rapping technique, or dance movement on live performance without invading your rest time. They said I'm going to be main dancer and leader, Sunbae!”

About practice, of course. I slap my head mentally as I save my number in his phone. “Sure, you can text me before. I'll tell you when I have free time,”

Since then there is no single day without us exchanging text. The sharp maknae quickly notices my changed of behavior.

“I would think you have a new girlfriend since you broke up with Jaejoong Hyung,”

That wipes my smile away. I look up from my phone as I was in the middle of chatting with Taeyong, listening of his nagging about his new dorm and the possibility of germs in it since some members are a bit lazy in cleaning. As my eyes met Changmin I find the fire in it. I knew Changmin for years and I knew what his stares mean. We knew about each other as if we knew ourselves. And he knew about me better than myself. He knew what I see in Taeyong and how our relationship developed since a week ago. It’s been so long since the three names escaped our lips, more over his. And the Voldemin inside him purposely mentioning Jaejoong's name to slap me off of my daydream.

“I don't have a girlfriend,” I say as I look back to my phone.

“Hyung, he is not him,”

Changmin sentence pierce my heart. I still for a moment until my phone screen turns black. “...I know...”

“Then why you...”

“Changmin ah, I told you I don't,” I glance at him tiredly.

Since the first day Taeyong came to my life Changmin had notice everything, noticed every cell of mine reacted when I search for the boy's eyes, noticed how I stared at him differently, noticed how my heart beat for him. He had told me since the first day the same warning. That Taeyong is not Jaejoong. No matter how much they looked alike.

“You don't? Then why in the world you smiled stupidly whenever his name flashed on your phone? Why you are so eager to get to his team's practice room than others'? Why your eyes always search for him? Why, I ask you, you always lost focus when he is around? You said you don't... Ha, but I think you do, Hyung,”

“So what do you want me to do?” I ruffle my hair. “I don’t know how to control... this, okay? I have been holding up myself not to touch him. I afraid I will develop the feeling I shouldn't have! I was thinking just by looking at his eyes is enough to heal my longing but before I knew I like it when he is around. But I can't shove him away. President Soo Man chose me as their mentor, remember? So what should I do?”

Changmin keeps quit, letting me finish my words of frustration until I done before he sighs. “Hyung, to be honest, I want you to fall in love again,”

The frowns on my forehead deepen for completely different reason. The sudden change of topic totally knocked me off of guard. I turn to Changmin as the younger looks away to see the ceiling of our living room dorm.

“How long had it been?” Changmin talks to the lamp. “4 years? 5 years? Yet you haven't got yourself a new lover. I wonder what do you were thinking when you feel lonely. I don't even understand how you hold your ual desire without...”

“You little...!!!” I throw a cushion pillow to his face as we end up laughing. That's how our relationship was. One moment we could fight like a wrestler then next minute we will hugging and laughing at each other with cakes on our face. As our laughter dies down, his face becomes solemn again and talks seriously.

“But I forgot you are as saint as people see about you,” I wave my hand mockingly when he continues. “No Hyung, be serious with me. I knew you and Jaejoong Hyung did that A LOT when you were together,” He stressing, makes me wonder did he ever caught us in bed. “I knew your relationship wasn't that innocent. But come on, you never think about doing it with others than him even after broke up. Like…. How?”

“Changmin ah, stop this talking alright? Let's...”

“I wonder how you could be so strong about your principles of life, Hyung,” Changmin sighs. “I thought some possibilities though. Maybe you don't like men. Maybe it's because Jaejoong Hyung. Or maybe you are impotent or...”

“Yah, Shim Changmin!” I laugh hard as I shove more pillows toward his mocking face I hate the most.

“Seriously, Hyung! Look at Irene, she's so beautiful. And my baby Seohyun is a lady now! How about Taeyeon? She's real and fun! I bet Yoona will make you happy. But guess what. None of them could capture your heart. Yours always belong to a 4D creep, narcistic, who thinks he is beautiful and genius Kim Jaejoong,”

I smiled. Yeah that's right. Now Changmin mentioned him, I miss him so much. Even when I have no right to.

“Look, Hyung,” Changmin scoots closer to gain my attention. “I seriously want you to move on. I was actually waiting for you guys to get back together again but after years without connection I don't think you two will. And I asked myself do you guys actually in love? What made you break up in the first place? If you guys want you could meet up secretly without company knows. But you don't. Why, I don’t know. I thought your heart died, Hyung. Along ago, or stolen away with him when he left,”

It was... I look down at my taunting fingers.

“But that day... when Taeyong greeted you...” Changmin exhales as he shakes his head. “I thought I saw him. I was so surprised. But then I saw you. Your expression. And that very moment I thought I could feel your heartbeat. I felt like I could feel your heart reacting to his existence, Hyung. I reminded you because I don’t want you to get hurt by yourself,”  

“I don’t mind if you actually, for real, in the end fall in love with that kid Taeyong. But I don’t want you to love him in your fake feeling because you see him as Jaejoong Hyung's substitute. Don’t fall in love with his smile just because the way they smile is similar. Don’t fall in love with his eyes just because they are similar with Jaejoong Hyung's eyes. That way you are hurting yourself and hurting Taeyong too,”

Changmin's words cut me deep. Because deep down, I knew he was right. He always right. And I can’t help my eyes brim with a sheer of guilt and helpless feeling. Because I can’t help it. Not when my brain, heart, and body reacted by themselves even when I tell it not to.

“I tried to, Changmin ah,”

“You didn’t try hard enough. I would like to hear if you two really will end up together,” Changmin ends up comically. In instant I break in laughter.

“Geez you weirdo. One time you told me to distant myself to him and next you wanted me to have a romantic relationship with him?”

Changmin s