CHAPTER 4

Haneul’s POV

All my life I tried to live normal. I pretend that it’s okay to not have parents. I pretend that it’s okay to share everything with my cousin. I pretend to be strong when in fact I’m just weak and vulnerable. You know what keeps me sane? Hurting myself. Physically. When sometimes the voices inside my head are stronger than me, I punch my legs until bruises are already visible. I pull my hair out of frustration, sometimes I also scratch myself. It helps, it helps knowing that I can still feel physical pain because that’s the only proof that I’m still alive somehow.

Depression isn’t just sadness. It’s more than thoughts in the head. I’m not sad all the time, you know. There are times when I feel a lot of anger inside me. A lot of times I feel alone and no one actually wants to see me breathing. I feel like my whole existence is a burden to everyone. It’s harder when I have my anxiety attacks, all the what ifs just keeps running in my mind and I can’t breathe properly. Insomnia , I want to sleep but I just can’t because whenever I close my mind I imagine so many things and my thoughts just keeps me awake. Why haven’t I seek for any help? Doctors are just “there” because they are being paid. If you don’t pay, they will even blink an eye on you. Friends … do I even have one? You think my friend would understand? If I tell them I would just come off needy of attention and love and care and for them, depressed people are too much to handle. What about my family? You think they would care? I’ve already caused a lot of trouble for them and adding another one isn’t part of my plan.

I cannot believe that Luhan did this to me. ing tape, I didn’t even know it exist, I didn’t even know that that night happened. But you know what I realized? No one is worthy of everything. I am broken because I gave my other half to Luhan. Before, no matter how bad his feedback from other people was, I still ignored it and accepted his flaws. That’s the way I know how to love, you accept the person and assure them they have you. Why did he do this to me? I know I’m not worthy of any love but why me? I’m the only person who understood him. Everything isn’t just fair.

“Hey” someone said from behind. My palms covered my eyes and I look like a complete mess crying at the school garden. I looked at the person and tried to wipe away my tears.

“Daniel I swear to God this isn’t the right time to push my buttons” I whispered.

“I’m not here to piss you off, and besides, I didn’t even know you were here”

“Go away” I said.

“Why would I? This is my hiding spot since freshman year so nope, I’m not leaving” Daniel said as he sat down beside me.

“Don’t judge me”

“I’m not” he said.

“Oh really? You judged me my whole life” I argued.

“Hey, to make you feel any better I didn’t watch it” he said.

“You want me to be grateful?” I asked while rolling my eyes.

“You know this is the exact reason why I despise Luhan. He do the same thing all over. What a loser”

“What?”

“Nothing” Daniel shrugged.

“I’m so mad at everybody I just all of them dead, or me” I whispered.

“Do you really want that?” He asked “Do you really want to end your life just because it doesn’t go on your way?”

“You don’t ing tell me what I’m supposed to feel.” I started crying again “You have no idea how much it hurts, getting hurt by the people you love so much? It hurt so much”

“Somewhere in this campus there’s a group of boys who didn’t actually watch your video because we know how hard it is for you” Daniel said

I scoffed “I group of boys you mean my friends? Are you kidding me? Even my cousin watched it”

“Well, your cousin is a sick bastard”

“Why are you even talking to me, Daniel?” I asked.

“I’m bored”