Just got scolded because I made a mistake during my attempt at organ transplantation on a pig. Yes, an actual pig. It was in practice, but I felt bad for it even though it's already dead. So many stitches were made in the wrong places, and it was just a whole mess. I know why I messed up so many times... it was because my mind wasn't focusing on transplanting, it was on Joy, regarding her mental state. Even if I was thinking about her, I shouldn't have had any trouble because I was still dealing with muscles and stuff right? Luckily, Wen and Seul stood up for me otherwise Dr Kai (head of cardio and a neurosurgeon) wouldn't have gone easy on me. I'm glad I chose cardiothoracic surgery as my second area of learning because I have them by my side to guide me. 

"Yeri, you coming down with us for lunch?" Wendy asked going the opposite way of me with Seulgi.

"I'm good, I kind of have something to do..."

"Oh cool, we'll meet you back at cardio then." Seulgi waved as they walked away. Of course, they knew something was up with me but pretty sure they're just acting like this so that I don't feel alienated. 

"Sure. Um cya!" My smile faded once they left. 

I actually don't have anything significant to do, but I always lie to them from time to time, so it's all goooddd XD. 

-

Some space was all I needed – for me to restart my thought process. I walked down the hallway where I could see the full view of other buildings outside. I was able to look out to the landscape and somehow calm myself. There was absolute stillness except for kids running around and playing below in the hospital garden. They reminded me of my sisters and me when we were younger, stress-free. 

It was a still day. No clouds drifted in the sea of blue above. No cars were seen because of the giant trees that hovered over the roadways. Not a sound could be heard from the outside. Just looking at the scenery made my own breath die as soon as it left my mouth. It was an eerie sort of tranquillity. Only gentle sunshine shone on me that was able to make me smile just for a second. Often what we doctors see outside becomes our motivation. Seeing people laugh and going about their lives; things like that.

On a still day like this, we feel calmer knowing the good we're doing in people's lives. Actually, we feel like that everyday. This goes for other careers like airline pilots etc. For me, the stillness of my soul comes best after much concentration and exerted energy from saving people's lives. Thankfully, this is what doctors do, to save lives to the best of their abilities. It becomes meaningful to us afterwards, but people don't know how we really feel. We feel pressured and I mean really really compelled inside. They expect us to do a good job, but we can't always bet on that because we're human. I guess to understand what I'm saying is to personally experience having someone's life in the palm of your hands like Joy's life in the hands of whoever's going to do the surgery for her.

When I turned my head around to continue walking to wherever my legs will take me, I stopped at the sight of Dr Irene in front of me which scared THE HECK OUTTA MEH. When did she get there?! Tsk, It's not like that's important anyway. She seemed... like she wanted to talk to me. I actually wanted someone to talk to despite my desire to be alone.

"Good afternoon Yeri. Something on your mind?" I nodded and sat down on one of the benches. She kept me company which I didn't mind.

"How's Joy going? Does she despise me because she thinks I suspended her? I hope she doesn't think that." I looked down smiling, "She would never. You're like a mother to her... Luckily,