Schizoaffective disorder: a mental disorder characterized by abnormal thought processes and deregulated emotions.

My cell feels empty. Realistically, it is but I have no power to pretend the smart mouth right now. It's the first time I feel so exhausted, so lonely.

Even though he hurt me; even though he tortured me; even though he is smarter, I miss him. I miss him a lot.

I can't understand why but all I can think of is his tears, filling his eyelids. It makes me shiver; the way he looked at me. Did he actually feel betrayed or was it just an act? I can't tell the difference.

Now, I am sitting on the floor, looking at the door. As though it will suddenly open and Jimin will come in, cursing me, calling me a monster. I am in the verge of crying.

I don't understand why I am feeling like this, I am too tired to think. They split in half my portion of food as a punishment. They have figured they can't do anything worse than keep me in here. But nutrition is not the only factor to my tiredness. The sleep is another problem. My dreams... they are too realistic for me to ignore. And the hallucinations have become a part of my daily routine once again.

Since Jimin came they had diminished to the smallest number possible; for three days I had only one illusion. I guess I signed my contract with the devil when I wrapped my fingers around Jimin's thin neck. Because now I had at least five a day.

As I thought my brain does its again.

Everything is the same, yet everything is different. I am still in my cell, the only difference is the people. Two persons are standing upon chairs. There are two hanging ropes too. I shout in horror as I realize who these people are. It's my mother; and Hoseok.

The ropes are tied to their necks. They are both going to jump at the same time. I have enough time to save only one from hanging oneself. As I watch them both fall I recall all the memories I have with them. I run and catch the person. I cry while I watch my mother in the other side suffocating and dying. But Hoseok is safe.

I look upwards to see him. But our eyes never meet. Our hearts never beat. We never breathe. Hoseok isn't there. Neither is my mother.

I am clinging on to the wall and nothing else. More tears drop. I am hating myself. All I want to do is rot. Alone forever.

Through my sadness and tears I fall asleep. And I can say that was the worst  part of these three days because I see no dreams, just memories.

The first day he notices me, in the University's Library. He approaches me.

"You were looking weirdly at me" he says and smiles. His smile is bright, almost too bright.

"Oh, sorry about that" I reply, shyly blushing while I look at my fingernails.

"I know I am pretty, but you noticing me took it into a whole new level" he says and it seems as if he can't hold back his smile.

After I realize this was supposed to be a joke, I fake giggle. Then smile at him while he continues.

"Your smile is beautiful. Never stop smiling" he says then winks.

I gasp for air. The worst nightmare I had in years. But maybe my brain isn't as damaged as it is rumored to be because that memory actually helped me understand something. Something vital.

I always had emotions for Hoseok. I will never doubt that. But he didn't make me feel alive, free or worthy. Only Jimin makes me feel like this. I don't know if this is due to his profession or his intelligence but he makes me feel. The feelings may be hate, anger, envy but I would never do anything to hurt him... well, I won't anymore.

I have to promise myself. No, I have to control myself. I won't hurt Jimin again.