“Are you okay?” You ask me.

I grunt solemnly in response, trying to make it sound like I’m okay. Of course I’m not “okay”. I’m not “fine” or “doing well”. I lie a lot about my feelings and my wellbeing. I don’t want you to know that I’m having a horrible time coping with the fact that you like Taemin and he likes you back.

Do you feel happy now?

I’m sorry if I sound so bitter. It’s just so hard to listen to you talk about him as if he’s the greatest thing in the world. He’s not, alright? He snores in his sleep, he eats too much but he’s still skinny as a stick, he at soccer, and he’s dumb as . Do you like boys like him? Hye Rin-ah, you’re a smart, beautiful woman and I so strongly believe that you deserve so much better.

I know that I’m probably as smart as I should be, but I do know that I will do all I can to make you happy. I could be the one to deserve you.

I only hope you could just give us a chance. Just one chance is all I could ever ask from you.

“You don’t look okay,” you say, sipping from the cup of hot tea in front of you.

“I’m fine,” I lie, again. I pick up my tea but only stare at the contents. “So, um, how’s school?”

“It’s okay,” you reply dully. You’re staring at me, trying to see if the answer is apparent in my features, and I’m trying my hardest to make it difficult for you to read me. There’s another bout of silence. I hear you clear your throat right before you say, “So, I heard you’re spending a lot more time with Krystal again.”

I looked up at you quickly. Where could you have heard such a thing? I contort my face, and you automatically know what I’m about to ask you.

“Taemin told me,” you answer my silent question.

“Why does he care?” I retort.

You shrug. “I don’t know. Taemin just told me that he sees you hanging around Krystal a lot.”

“I don’t see how that’s any of his business.”

“Are you planning to get back with her?”

I scowl at you. “Is that what you heard from him?”

“N-no. I – I…”

Theatrically, I take a look at the time on my cellphone. The digital clock rings in at 6:31 PM, and although it’s nowhere near my curfew time, I decide that this should probably be the end of our coffee date.

“I’m sorry, but I think it’s time for me to go,” I say, abruptly getting up from my seat.

“Jongin-ah?”

“I’ll text you,” I tell you half-heartedly. I brave a small smile before dashing out of that coffee shop.

***

To be honest, I don’t know what has gotten into me lately. I was never the one to escape the conniptions of everyday life, but now. Now, I can’t seem to have a decent conversation with you without running away with a petty excuse, or hanging up the phone on you and then later mildly apologizing about “dropped calls”. I feel so helpless and weak and most especially, I feel like such a chicken. I’m supposed to be a man. I’m supposed to face my problems and not give a if it hurts me. This is what you do to me. This is what you do to my poor heart.

***

The dorm seems to be in shambles when I arrive.

“For the love of God, Se Hun!” I hear Jino banging on the bathroom door of our dorm. “You’ve been in there for nearly an hour! There are other people in this dorm, too, you know!”

 I walk past him to get to my room. “Are you guys getting ready to go out?”

“Se Hun is, I’m not. I just need to pee,” Jino tells me and then turns back to bang on the bathroom door once more.

“Where’s he going?”

“On a date,” Chanyeol appears next to me from the kitchen. “With Soojung.”

I make a face. This is not going as planned. I make a beeline for my bedroom and quickly pull out my cellphone, dialing Krystal’s number.

“Yes?” She answers. She sounds distant, as if I was on speakerphone; she’s probably doing her hair or her makeup when I called.

“What’s going on between you and Se Hun?” I try my best to suppress my anger. It’s hard, it definitely is.

From the other line, I hear Krystal sigh and then there’s a fumbling sound. She replies, her voice closer and clearer this time. “I’ve thought about what you said and I asked some of Taemin’s other close friends on what he thought about me and, well…”

Her voice trails off and I know it’s intentional; I know that there’s something else she wants to say but can’t. It’s going to break my heart, isn’t it?

“Oh, just get on with it,” I urge her bitterly.

“Okay, well, they said that he doesn’t like me anymore. He likes Hye Rin.”

There are four blank walls around me, and at that moment, each one of them was tempting me to punch them.

He likes Hye Rin. Such a simple statement.

But it’s also synonymous with Taemin betrayed me. He’s my best friend, and he betrayed me. I told him that I liked you, that I adored you, but he still finds it in himself to accept your confession and like you back. Even after all he told me, even after he said that I shouldn’t care about the other guy that you like.

that piece of .

Pardon my language, but you need to understand. You need to see the pain and anger that wracks through my entire mind and body. I’ve been listening endlessly to your cries of how Taemin was never too concerned about you and your feelings and now. Now he’s taken your confession as if he’s been in love with you for years as well.

“Oppa?” Krystal voice comes up again. I forgot that I was still on the phone with her. “Are you alright?”

“I – I…” I stutter, blinking away a mile a minute and suddenly my eyes sting. A tear falls down painfully.

“Look, I’m sorry. I have to go,” she says quickly. “But I’ll call you later. I think you’ll need someone to talk to.”

“Okay,” I manage to say despite the flood of emotions washing down the words in my throat.

“Please stay strong,” Krystal says in a small voice. “Bye.”

***

You were my strength. You were the sunshine I needed while I was blindly feeling my way through the darkness.

How the do I become strong when all I ever leaned on was you? How the do I remain strong when you – my strength, my sunshine, my everything – are taken away from me?

I can barely survive without you.

***

“I didn’t know 18 year olds can drink so much. That’s already the third bottle you finished. I can’t believe you’re not that wasted yet.”

Lu Han is staring at me as I gulf down a small shot glass of soju.

“I’m getting there,” I try to say, feeling the essence-less sting of the alcohol running down my throat.

“Well, I think you should stop,” Lu Han says, collecting the empty green bottles and pulling them away from me. “I don’t think I can carry you all the way to the dorm.”

“I don’t mind, I prefer to die alone in the cold.”

Lu Han scoffs. “Don’t say things like that. You’re overreacting.”

I throw my head up to glare at him. “You think so? You think being betrayed by your best friend and then drinking the pain away is overreacting? Tell me, have you ever been in love?”

“Yes.”

“Humor me, hyung.” I roll my eyes.

“Of course you wouldn’t know. This happened a long time ago.”

“What? When you were four?”

I see Lu Han shrugging his shoulders. “Fine, don’t believe me if you don’t want to. But I just have to tell you that even though you’re completely lost and flustered by all this, you still have a career to pay attention to. Hye Rin is just one girl and you’re still so young. And plus, we haven’t even debuted yet. Your teaser is out and from what I’ve heard, you’ve already gained yourself a following. What more when we actually debut? You can make it big, with or without her.”

I want to believe he’s right. I want to be able to hold myself up onstage and look over the wave of fans feeling that my heart is not broken. Maybe I’m making this whole situation a lot more onerous than it really is. Maybe it’s just me and my immature outlook that is making it so hard for me.

I want to forget about you.

***

“So, Se Hun and I are ‘official’ now.”

I look up at Krystal. We’re both sitting on the emergency staircase of our dorms’ building, it being one of the few places we go to talk privately.

“You mean you two are…?”

She nods. “He asked me yesterday on our date.”

I try to force a smile, but it’s too hard. I’m too messed up to even think or portray even the fakest form of happiness. The plan is ruined; everything is ruined.

“Congratulations,” I say, even though my face remains blank and undeterred.

“Jongin-ah.” Krystal places her soft hand on my shoulder and squeezes it consolingly. “I’m so sorry that I couldn’t help you win over Hye Rin, and I’m even sorrier about Taemin and her. But I still want to help you out. I know that it might not be very useful now that Taemin’s feelings have diverted to someone else, but I think I can help you out in a different way.”

I shake my head, looking down at the bottom step of the stairwell. “There’s nothing anyone can do now. It’s all over. I’ve lost her to my own best friend.”

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t find someone new, right?”

I make a face in response. “Lu Han told me the same thing. I mean, I know that I can just pick up any girl but it’s different. I think I’m in love with Hye Rin. And you girls know how that feels like, right? You know that when you’re ‘in love’ with someone, it’s not that easy to just move on with someone else.”

Krystal doesn’t reply back immediately, but she just stares at me. I raise an eyebrow in confusion, until she says, “I’m surprised.”

“How?”

“You’re the first guy I know of to say something like that,” Krystal says, the shock really evident in her tone. “I’m so used to guys not even caring about girls. Take Taemin as an example. One day he’s so convinced that he really likes me, but the minute another girl confesses her feelings, he jumps to her right away. But you. You’re different. You stick by her even when the situation doesn’t call for it.”

“I think that makes me gay.”

Krystal chuckles lightly. “Oh God, I hope not.”

“Maybe if I were more cold and careless about other people’s feelings I would be like the other guys, right?” I presume.

“Yeah, that’s true.” Krystal gently combs the hair covering my eyes out of my forehead. “But please don’t be like that. Even if Hye Rin can’t see it, I’m sure some other girl will. You’re good looking, extremely talented, and you have a heart of gold. You deserve a girl who will treat you like the prince that you are.”

A/N: Apologies for taking forever to update this. I've been having some really depressing real-life problems so of course any inspirations have been completely decimated from my system T_T Anyway, I know this is a short update, but I had to cut it short because I know that I'm going to add more drama in the next update :)

Also, I know that it may be a bit uncomfortable for some to see "bad words" on the chapter, but that's merely because I'm trying to find the best possible way to express Jongin (Kai)'s anger and frustration of being betrayed by his own best friend, and using excessive language seems to work out for me haha. Oh, and I do switch between "Soojung" and "Krystal" often. I use "Soojung" when her name is spoken out loud by the characters in a dialogue, and I use "Krystal" when her name is used in one of Kai's narration. That way, I can be realistic (because they really call her "Soojung" off-camera) but also not to confuse anyone (because some might not know Krystal's Korean name).