November 2015, Jeju Island

Wearing only a short and a white ed polo shirt on a snowy day surely can make anyone shiver. Everyone that day is seriously having a hard time but we have no choice since this is what the client wants. On the other side, I heard Seunghyun Hyung cursing, for the wind has blown strongly again. I sighed. When people say that it is easy being an idol, it really pains me for they don’t know the difficulties we go through just to give them a good quality of music and mv's.

As I was buttoning my polo shirt after I've done my part of the shoot, I saw her went out of the van wearing a white flow-y dress that only reaches her knees. The wind blew again and O could see her shivering. I walked towards her and gave her my jacket. “Here…” I said while placing it on her shoulders. She looked up and smiled when she saw that it was me. “Gomawo, Jiyong-ah……” She replied. 

We walked towards the big tree along the shore and just sat there, not really talking to each other. She was silently looking at the sea so seriously and I just knew that she is trying to memorize every waves and splash of waters for sometimes she could be really mellow. She spoke without bothering to look at me, “You know the sound of the waves crashing on the shore is one of the most relaxing thing on the earth, don’t you think Jiyong-ah?” I wanted to tell her that ‘No it is not, for the most relaxing thing is to watch you admire the beauty of the earth.’ but instead I agreed.. “Neh Noona, it is…” I simply replied and I could see her smile. My heart pounded with how beautiful she looks and I almost couldn’t feel the coldness of the wind even if I am not wearing a jacket. She looked back at me and frowned after she scanned my body. “Aigoo, aren’t you cold? Come here, let’s share on this jacket.” She pulled me and let the other side of the jacket hang on my shoulders, the other side on hers, and she move closer to me. I almost choked by the sudden close proximity we are having right now but I calmed myself, she couldn’t know that I am in love with her..No, not yet…

I’m not exactly sure when did I start to grow feelings towards her. Of course, I wouldn’t deny the fact that I find her beautiful and talented. In fact form the first time I saw here when she joined YG, I already have a crush on her. But it’s not really a big deal since everyone admire her anyways. Who wouldn’t? Though later on, I just found myself staring at her longer than normal. I smile whenever I see her happy. She is the first person I searched in the room whenever we have meetings. I feel down when she is not around.  But I tried to erase the growing feelings I had for her since dating within the company is something that may not be prohibited but not advised by our CEO.

But then fate is really playing games on me. We were always partnered with each other in music videos, photoshoots and commercials. So through time we have become close friends. I couldn’t be more happier since I was part of her circle. If before, I admire her for her beauty and talent, as I grew closer to her, I had fallen for her personality...Like the way she would still be smiling even if we’ve been shooting since dawn till midnight, the way she would be so caring to her friends, the way she makes other at ease on hard situations, the way she would be so thoughtful to the people around her especially to the people behind the production, the way she would be so uplifted when she receives a call from her family, the way she is not aware of how beautiful she is, the way she is so humble even if she has all the right to brag…ah I could still lists a lot of things but the main point is, she is just the most genuine person I have ever met in my whole life. 

People say that she is beautiful. I say, that her physical beauty couldn’t be compared to the beauty she has within. Right there and then I knew that I was willing to give my all to her. Right there and then I knew that she will be my ‘kryptonite’. Right there and then I knew that I have met the woman I want to share my life with. 

It took all my strength not to tell her that I like her for she had become so vocal that she didn’t want to be in a relationship at that time for she wants to focus on her career. So when I found out that she was on a relationship with Soo Hyuk, a YG model, it devastated me. I blame myself for not being brave enough to tell her that I love her. I should have pursued her in spite of her being vocal of not wanting to be on a relationship. 

I stayed in my room for days, drowning myself with alcohol, hiding myself from the public, declining invites of my friends. No one knew I was grieving. After 5 days of being pathetic, I decided to finally composed myself. I told myself that this is not the man she wants, that I would be someone she would be proud of, that she and Soo Hyuk will just be a temporary thing. 

So I continued being within her circle, being her friend. It made me happy that I could still be around her as well as it crushed me, for she only see me as her friend, no more, no less. And though Soo Hyuk’s always around, it didn’t stop me for being there for her, for always cheering for her, for being her support system, but the thing is, only in silent. 

I know that it is pathetic of me for doing this. But I couldn’t stop myself..., for her triumphs are my happiness, her failures are my sadness, her smiles are the light to my life and her tears are the knife that cuts my heart . You see, everything she does affects me in ways she wouldn’t know…in ways no one knows. 

So when I saw her that night in the bar, drowning herself with too much drinks, I rattled. I know for a fact that she doesn’t drink so it made me irritated. What could have happened that made her drink? As I grabbed the shot she was holding, she turned and though she smiled, I could see the sadness in her eyes. I was furious. I wanted to punch who ever inflicted this sadness in her eyes. I persuaded her to go home for she is talking gibberish, an indication that she is indeed drunk. I cursed, but softened immediately when she begged me to let her stay for she doesn’t want to be alone. I felt my heart crushing with the pain I hear in her voice. So I let her stayed. She was silent on her sit, as I was finishing the remaining drinks to ease the anger I feel inside. 

“Jiyong-ah, I don’t feel good” I heard her said and I immediately stood up from my sit to check on her. , I mentally cursed. Who ever did this will surely pay. 

I guided her to stand, went to our friends to bid goodbye, and drove to her apartment. 

The entry to her room was a struggle for she couldn’t find her keys and was too tired to even look for it. And so I did. When we finally entered her room, I made her sit on the kitchen chair as I was heating up water for her coffee when she suddenly asked me. 

“Am I not pretty?” I almost burned myself for I didn’t expect her to ask such questions. As I looked back, I saw her looking so lost. “Do I have a bad personality?” She continued. I went her to side, hold both of her cheeks, looked her in the eye and said, “You are one of the most beautiful person I have known Sandara, not just in the outside but also in the inside.” I saw her stopped for a moment until she spoke again “then why did he left me?” I was speechless for awhile, trying to comprehend what she just said. He left her. He ing left her. I wanted to punch something, to break something for when her tears finally flow from her eyes, I panicked. But instead, I told her, “He doesn’t see what a precious gem you are. He is not worth it Sandara.”

I could feel my heart crushing with every tears she shed. I thought that this what I wanted, for her and Soo Hyuk to break up, but now, as I see her cry in front of me, questioning herself of what she have done wrong or what she lacks for him to leave her like this, I almost wish that he didn’t broke up with her. I hated myself for even thinking of them breaking up for if this is just the outcome it will cause her, I rather loose her, than to see her broken like this. I rather watch her happy with someone else than to see her cry beside me. I rather have my heart broken than to have hers. 

I hugged her, hoping that this will somehow erase all the pain she is feeling inside and assuring her that everything will be alright. “I want this pain to go away. I want to forget even just for tonight. I want to escape this reality.” I heard her say, still crying. I hugged her tighter, but she let go from my embrace and looked me in the eyes “Help me Jiyong” she said. “How?” I asked her.

She wrapped her hands around my neck. I felt my whole body stiffened by her move and before I could even comprehend what is happening, she kissed me. Her kiss was chased, I kissed her back, it was gentle at first, but deepened after awhile. Nothing seems to matter at the moment, my world stopped, she was the only thing that matters. My heart flattered, I was happy, but when it finally dawned to me what we are doing, why we are doing this, I stopped. This is not how I imagined our first kiss. “You are drunk, Let’s stop this.” I said. 

“Ani. I am completely sober.” She replied. It got me thinking. This is my chance, I told myself. We may have kiss for the wrong reason but I am going to let her feel the love I have for her. I saw her looking at her clutched hands. I lifted her chin to looked at me and kissed her. It started as a sweet chaste kiss but as soon as she grabbed my hair, I couldn’t control myself anymore, I kissed her passionately, making her feel all the frustrations I had for the past months. All those unspoken words I wanted to tell, all the love I wanted to show her, that night I made her feel it with every single touch and kiss.

“Make me forget Jiyong-ah” She said, and that’s all I needed to hear to make her feel all the love she deserved.