CHAPTER IV

When I was young, I dreamed of giving my first kiss to my first love. When I reached the age of 14, I gave my first kiss to a guy whom one of my classmate pinpointed for me to kiss on our our truth and dare game. I slumped for days, feeling so disappointed in myself for giving something I treasured to someone I don’t even like. And so I made a promised that when it comes to my ity, I will only give it to the man I will marry in the future. But on one date night with my very first boyfriend, I lost my ity. I was 19 back then. I went home feeling so stupid for giving in to his sweet words. But then again, what’s done is done. I am no saint, I said. I am but just a human, and that it is okay, for I have given it to my first love. 

As couple of failed relationships passed, I have become aware, that NO, your first love will not always be someone you will end up with, that YES, no matter how goody-good your boyfriend is, he will still ask for . Through time, I had become aware of the realities of the world. I knew that open relationships and casual do exists; but never did I imagine myself being in one of those. I always believed that is to be shared with someone you love and that he should feel the same way too with you.

So as I stare at the man peacefully sleeping beside me, a tear fell; this man who I have shared a lot of nights with; this man who has made me happy, furious and sad all together is the same man who told me I’m a , is the same man who has no romantic feelings whatsoever to me. 

Last night when he told me and made me feel like a , I was ready to throw everything away. I was ready to let go. I was ready to forget him,to ‘UN-love’ him. But how could you possibly let go of the person who is the reason why you still breath? How could you forget the person who makes your life worthwhile just by the mere sight of him smiling, in spite of all the sadness he has caused you? How can you UN-love the person who has taught you that you could love someone so much more than yourself?

I felt Jiyong hug me from behind, pulling me closer to his arms and cuddling me. I looked back to check if he was already awake and sighed when I saw him still sleeping soundly. I adjusted my body to face him. How could someone be this angelic? I smiled for feeling so blessed that I am able to lay here beside him…that I am able to hug him, to kiss him and have him. 
But my smile faded quickly for I remembered that the kissing, the hugging and the are not the things that I want from him but his love… Yes,that is only thing I wanted from him, the only thing I long for and sadly that is also the only thing he couldn’t give.

I tried to get away from his embrace when he suddenly woke up. As soon as he saw me, he smiled. “Good morning” he said. I nodded and he pulled me closer for an embrace. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.

His embrace felt warm but at the same time it suffocates me..... It makes my heart in pain. I couldn’t take this anymore.

His presence makes me smile but it also makes me realize that I could be such a pathetic woman who settles for just to be with the man she loves. All my principles were crushed when it comes to him, even my dignity is slowly vanishing. I couldn’t take this anymore.

The way he makes me complete one moment and empty the next kills me. I don’t want to spend just the nights with him but every single minute of the day. I don’t want to see him get close to other girls. I don’t want to see him smiling to other girls. I don’t want . I want his love.

“I couldn’t take this anymore” I said. 

I pushed him and let go from his embrace. He looked at me, confusion written over. “oh did I hug you too much?” he asked. “I’m sorry.” he continued while grabbing my hands and kissed it.

“Don’t do that” I shouted again… he looked at me, shock washed over his face and before he could even asked me what’s wrong, I continued while looking directly on his eyes, with mine void of any emotions “Let’s end this.”

“Bwo?” He asked me, almost in a whisper.

“You heard me. Let’s end this.” I replied as I stood up and got my clothes on the floor. “Is this because of last night, I’m sorry I was just mad. I didn’t mean to call you that. You know you are not like that..” he explained while following me on every direction I go.

“Let’s end this.” I repeated yet again. Silence followed. I saw him sat back in the edge of the bed at the corner of my eyes. He seemed pondering. I watched him take deep breaths as if trying to calm himself. He is mad, that I am sure of.

“Why?” he asked after awhile. I wanted to tell him that I am in love with him, that every touch makes me fall even deeper, every smile makes me want to keep him by my side forever, but instead, I replied, “Just because it is not beneficial for me anymore. I want to move on without any of this. I want to move on alone. So let’s just end this.”

He looked up. Was it pain that I saw in his eyes? But then why would he be hurt in the first place? He doesn’t love me anyway. I was just standing there for a minute, waiting for him to stop me, hoping he wouldn’t allow me to end whatever setup this is. But he killed me when spoke;“Arasso. If that’s what you want.”

I felt my heart breaking into tiny million pieces. I felt my knees weakened, my mind in total chaos. But isn’t this what I wanted? And so before my tears could even drop in front of him, I made my way to the door but before I could even turn the knob I heard him say, “Let’s just pretend that nothing happened then….,noona. Lock the door when you leave.” and just that, my tears finally dropped.