Minseok wakes up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat and he knows it’s going to start again. It’s not the nightmare he had tonight that’s bothering his mind while his heart is slowing down from the aftereffects of the dream. No, what is bothering him is the fact that it’s a never-ending cycle and he’ll be a slave of the nightmares for months on end without any remedy. Minseok has tried everything.

When it first started he did everything he could to get just a little bit of sleep. Now he just succumbs to the terrors of the night and waits for them to swallow him, immobilize him and turn even his days into nightmares. He remembers the dream vividly, as if it’s still playing out before him but deep inside he knows that it doesn’t really matter what the dreams are - they’re all the same anyway. 

Getting by with 2 hours of sleep one night is manageable. It takes a little more coffee than usual but he works the same way he usually does. He talks to the others, jokes, lifts the mood on set and although the members know he hasn’t had a good night of sleep it’s not uncommon for any of them with a nightmare. It’s just a nightmare after all.

Except it’s not but Minseok isn’t going to tell anyone about the nightmares because it feels ridiculous to be struggling through something as normal and mundane as that. It’s also not really their business.

He goes through the day until he get a call in the evening right before dinner from a number he wishes he still didn’t remember. But despite the uncomfortable knot the memories forms in his stomach, he still picks up the phone and answers. Minseok honestly wishes the other would just give up. This information isn’t making it any easier to be him and he knows, they both know. There’s a reason the other is no longer here and it’s not because of Minseok’s nightmares. 

“I’ll kill myself,” the voice says distantly on the other end and Minseok doesn’t doubt it for a second. And sure, he feels himself panic a little despite everything but he’s also too tired to deal with Luhan’s bull. 

“Luhan, stop,” he says and Yixing sends him a curious gaze. With a shake of his head, Minseok leaves the other man and hurries into his own bedroom. 

“There’s no reason to be stupid, you know it isn’t going to change anything.”

Luhan talks. He talks about his day and Minseok shudders. Had someone else known they would have made sure that Minseok hadn’t picked up his phone. But no matter how many times Minseok changes his number, Luhan always finds him again - and so he just gave up. He's got more urgent things to deal with such as his nightmares.

When he hangs up on Luhan 2 minutes later, he’s not sure the other isn’t going to do something stupid, but he’s also starting to get really tired, the 2 hours of sleep finally taking its toll on him and he falls asleep early in the evening, forgetting dinner. 

Peace doesn’t last very long when his sweet dreams of having fun turn into a fear-inducing escape from something unidentifiable behind him. Minseok lacks behind, the thing chasing him getting closer and closer until he suddenly wakes up, heart beating fast in his chest.

It’s 8 pm and he can still hear people in the living room. It’s been an hour since he went to bed. Minseok wipes the sweat off of his forehead and saunters into the living room where he’s greeted by Sehun and Kyungsoo who are watching tv. Joonmyun is in the kitchen and when he eyes Minseok, he fusses about dinner and promises to reheat the dinner. Minseok flops into a chair and drapes himself over the table. 

“I thought you went to bed early, hyung,” Joonmyun says and Minseok nods a little, head still buried in the wooden table. 

“Nightmare,” he mumbles. He’ll try again later but he’s not sure he’ll get much more sleep than he already has. He’s going to need a lot of coffee tomorrow. Joonmyun puts a plate on the table besides Minseok’s head and nudges him a little. 

“Take care, I still think Sehun has a few Estazolam left, maybe you can borrow one?”

He smiles and Minseok straightens in his chair and nods a little. 

“I don’t think it’s necessary, but thanks for your concern.”

Joonmyun doesn’t leave the kitchen as Minseok begins to eat. Minseok is almost halfway through his dinner when the other man clears his throat. 

“How is Luhan doing?”

Joonmyun’s voice is small and Minseok’s face goes sour at the mention of the other. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbles with finality in his voice before he goes back to eating the rest of his dinner. Joonmyun retreats and leaves Minseok alone. Being left alone isn’t doing good things to Minseok though. If only the leader hadn’t mentioned anything about Luhan, maybe Minseok would have had the slight chance of a little more sleep. He sighs when he finishes dinner and leaves the plate in the sink. He hears Sehun curse in the living room and Yixing asking him to shut up. 

It’s 10 pm when he lies in his bed again, staring at the ceiling, hoping to get a little more sleep. One hour is obviously not enough and maybe, if he can get just 2 more hours of sleep, tomorrow will be bearable. Even though Minseok knows that a nightmare is close to impossible to avoid, sleep is sleep and it’s better than no sleep at all. He’s tired but not tired enough.

His mind is wide awake and he keeps replaying the earlier nightmare over and over. It’s stupid, it really is, but Minseok can’t stop it. He tried everything in the past, reading, getting warm milk, distracting his mind. Nothing works because when the lights turn off his thoughts it once again directed towards the nightmare. He does fall asleep though but it’s another nightmare and only 2½ hours of uneasy sleep.

With an average of 3 hours of sleep per night for the past week, Minseok’s mind is quite muddled. No, it’s completely muddled and life goes by in a haze. He doesn’t know how to move his body, sometimes it just moves without him realizing it and more often than not he zones out everything around him. Sounds are a constant buzz, a white noise that’s pleasant to his ears but not more than that and staring into blank space seems to have become the only thing he does.

Minseok knows, somewhere deep inside, that he should be practicing his Chinese for their upcoming concert tour in China. He’s also vaguely aware of the teacher that talks in front of the chalkboard, trying to teach a few of them the more advanced Chinese that will render the Chinese fans in awe. But he doesn’t really learn anything.

He hears Chanyeol read out loud behind him and Jongdae stutters beside him, mumbling, but he’s not even aware of the topic they’re going through today and he couldn’t repeat a single thing the teacher has said, not in Korean nor in Chinese.

Chanyeol places his big hands on Minseok’s shoulders when they’re leaving and steers him away from the wall he is about to bump into and through the door instead.

“I gotta go, hyung, take care.”

Chanyeol leaves with a laugh in the opposite direction and Minseok stands motionless in the hallway before he starts walking. One foot in front of the other, left, right, left, right. He walks slowly, his eyes drooping and it’s too hard to keep them open. It’s only been 5 seconds but he bumps right into someone and hears the female voice laughing. 

“You okay, Minseok-sii?” she asks and Minseok fights to open his eyes so he can see who he bumped into. The wide smile of his SM colleague has him nodding.

“Just a little tired. Take care Sunny-ssi,” he says as he wills his body forward, away from the laughing girl. God, he’s just so tired. So so tired. If only he could take a real nap without a nightmare. He finds an empty dance room, flops onto the couch and falls asleep seconds after. 

He’s locked inside a house. No, he locked the door himself. Because there’s someone on the other side. In fact, it’s a miracle he got to lock the door before the other entered the house. He’s been listening to the other’s calls. 

“I can see you Minseok, come open the door. I know you’re in there, I see you.”

He’s been getting eye contact with the other through windows, running from room to room, hiding under tables and squeezing himself as small as possible. His sister is there as well. She’s still a child and she’s playing with dolls in a room when Minseok hears the man outside the house talk to her.

“Open the door, Minseon.”

Minseok scrambles from where he’s pressed under a table to find his sister in front of the door, her hands on the lock.

“Don’t do it!” he screams and reaches out towards her. The man is staring in through the small circular window in the wooden door and Minseon turns around to look at him confused. 

“He says he knows you oppa.”

Minseok grabs her quickly and pulls her into his chest. 

“Don’t listen to him. Come, don’t let him find you, hide.”

He pecks the top of her head before he leads her into the house, shaking from fear. That’s when he notices the first CCTV. He swears they weren’t there before. It’s like eyes watching him everywhere and there’s nowhere he can hide. The man outside the house laughs. 

“I see you.”

With those words, Minseok wakes up disoriented in a tangled mess of sheets. He’s breathing hard, his chest heaving up and down as he sits up in his bed and looks around the room. There’s no CCTV’s and no one staring in through his window, despite their dorm being located on 6th floor. 

As his heart calms down he takes a look at his cell-phone. 3.37 AM. He’s not getting any more sleep tonight. Instead, he scrambles out of bed and silently walks into the living room as to not wake up the other members. How he ended up in his bed in the dorm, he has no idea but he guesses someone found him and brought him back. It's dark and silent in the apartment and Minseok crumbles together on the couch.  

He’s still sitting on the couch when the manager enters the dorm to wake them up. The light is and Minseok shivers before he turns his head. The manager lifts an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” He asks before a frown settles between his eyebrows.

“Is it Luhan? Did he contact you again?”

Minseok doesn’t answer, just stares at the older man and the manager leads a hand through his hair.

“Goddammit, why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugs. 

“It wouldn’t have changed anything anyway.”

Minseok is beginning to run so low on sleep that his thoughts have started to take over - and it’s not the positive kind of thoughts. It’s the way it always is. The pressure is back on him and he knows it won’t make his nightmares any easier. The manager sighs and takes Minseok’s phone on the coffee table. 

“I’ll get you a new number later.”

It’s a silent agreement as Minseok doesn’t try to get his phone back. 

Minseok had a lot of nightmares when he was a child. He remembers a few of them still because he has dreamt them so many times since then. His parents was sure he would grow out of them. And sure, he did. For a short time. There’s always periods of times, sometimes months where he doesn’t have a nightmare. But they always come back and they always strike hard.

They last for periods of months and they always bring self-hatred with them when he’s lacking enough sleep. It’s always the same concept of his nightmares. Running, hiding, getting away. But Minseok never gets away, someone is always there watching over him, judging him and waiting for him to mess up. He messes up more the more he dreams about it.

Every little daily routine becomes a struggle until he gives in and steals Sehun’s Estazolam. Minseok knows he can’t steal the maknae’s sleeping pills but he does it anyway. It’s Sehun’s for a reason and not Minseok’s to use. He knows that Joonmyun knows, he knows that’s why he tells him if there’s more left.

It’s casual conversation but Minseok is quite sure it’s not because Joonmyun is worried about him. It’s just a little sleep after all. He sighs.

It’s been 14 days already and he’s no longer living. It doesn’t feel like he’s living at least. During their schedules, he trips over his feet and forgets words. He doesn’t take an active part in their interviews and the coordi-noonas complain that the dark shadows under his eyes after lack of sleep need more coverage than usual.

And Minseok can’t tell them the reason why because it is - afterall - just a nightmare or two.

“Where are you going?”

Baekhyun is standing behind him as he reaches into the small basket they have in the hallway containing car keys and other small irrelevant things. Minseok turns around to send him a smile. He got 4 hours of sleep tonight before the nightmare woke him up and sure, he’s a little exhausted but 4 hours are a lot these days so he’s going to use it after nights with maximum 2 hours of sleep. 

“I’m going to buy some food, want anything?”

The younger singer contemplates a second before he decides that he wants some chicken. He’s whistling when he gets into his car and makes sure a fifth time that he has his wallet with him. The trip to the place takes about 15 minutes and Minseok is actually feeling alert and awake. That is until they have him waiting inside the warm room and the scent of food and warm air lulls him into a sleepy haze. His eyes are drooping when the waiter puts the food in front of him and smiles.

“Are you alright, sir?” they ask and Minseok nods a little and rubs his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks.”

He hands the waiter a tip and pays for the food before he leaves the shop and gets into his car. He takes a deep breath as he places his hands on the steering wheel.

15 minutes. All it takes are 15 minutes and he’ll be home. He can sleep tonight hopefully. Maybe his nightmares are finally easing up on him after 4 weeks of torture. Minseok turns the ignition and the car comes to life with a soft purr.

It takes 5 minutes on the small roads before Minseok feels his eyes closing more often than they’re supposed to. It’s a fight to keep them open and even with the music blasting through the speakers and the occasional slap he gives himself it's barely enough to keep his mind awake. 

He blinks and the next thing he knows he’s lurched forward, steering wheel slamming into his stomach. And there’re voices, so many voices, so many sounds. There’s a crash and a whoosh as something inflates in front of him and pushes against his lungs, almost knocking air out of them.

It’s only when he puts his head on the air bag and turns to look out the window that he realizes that the big oak 500 meters away now is in contact with the hood of his black car. There’s adrenaline rushing through his veins when it finally dawns on him that he could have died. That he could have killed someone else. He just got into a car crash. There’s the blue blink of the police car and the ambulance and Minseok feels like he’s drowning in a world that slowly gets hazy. 

When he wakes up he’s in the hospital. He’s hooked up to different machines, some measuring his heartbeat, others his blood oxygen level. Someone is arguing with wild gestures outside his room but Minseok slowly turns his head to look outside the window instead. Car crash. He should’ve known. He shouldn’t have driven when he was tired. But he had gotten 4 hours of sleep, something in his mind reasons. He wasn’t that tired.

Minseok sighs when the door opens. 

“You were lucky, Mr. Kim,” someone says and Minseok assumes it’s the doctor. He doesn’t look at the other person in the room while he notes down numbers from the machine. “Your neck suffered a mild whiplash and you have a mild concussion as well. You had internal bleedings in your abdomen so you’ll have to stay here for a week or two. Your band members mentioned you seemed to have been suffering from sleep deprivation. Why did you drive in such a state?”

The doctor is looking curiously at him, but Minseok is still focusing on the internal bleedings. He really could have died. The doctor sends him a small smile.

“Rest. I’ll come see you in an hour to wake you up should you fall asleep.”

Minseok doesn’t sleep, though.

When he’s released from the hospital two weeks later it seems his fans are ecstatic to see him back. Get well soon cards have flooded the hospital and Minseok hasn’t been able to bring all of them back to the dorm. Rumors have been floating around for the two weeks, most of them either stating he’s on drugs or was drunk driving and the rest of them stating SM is working them too hard. Minseok knows it’s neither. The nightmares have left in the past two weeks where he has been admitted to the hospital, though.

News of Jongin’s suicide attempt seems to slowly drown out his own scandal. He sits in the living room an evening together with Kyungsoo. The manager has just announced that Jongin will be admitted to the psychiatric department and there’s silent in the room. 

“I’ll go to bed,” the younger says when he gets up and leaves the living room. Minseok stares at the blank TV. He should go to bed as well. Get some sleep, some rest. Sleep for more than 3 hours and return to the world that is going by so fast without him when he’s tired.

He’s not allowed to dance for the next 2 months but Minseok doesn’t really mind. Maybe it’s all for the best. He smiles a little when he gets up. The nightmares will always come back to haunt him and there’s nothing he can do to make them stop, so he might as well just sleep now.

With a small smile, he enters his bedroom for a night free of running, free of hiding, free of dreaming.