Doyoung couldn’t sleep that night, but he wasn’t surprised because there were just so many things running through his head, a thousand thoughts a minute; he couldn’t calm himself down.

His conversation which Jaehyun in the practice room left him with a horrible, aching feeling; he felt a lingering ghost of things unsaid follow him around. When he came back to the dorm afterwards, he had run into Taeyong in the bathroom. Doyoung looked at the pink haired boy and he felt a surge of sadness go through him, but he realized he didn’t dislike him, not really. It’s not his fault he has feelings for Jaehyun. Taeyong smiled at him, brief, tight-lipped, and was just about to walk past but then he stopped at the last second. “Hey, um, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” he said, his tone light.

“So, uh, about last night…”

Doyoung sighed. God, not this again. “No, yeah, I know, I already talked to Jaehyun. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” he tried his best to smile, hoping that’s what Taeyong was worried about.

“No, no, it’s not that,” he looked kind of flustered, “It’s just…last night, after you left, Jaehyun kind of went crazy. Like, he couldn’t stand still, he just kept pacing and muttering under his breath…” Doyoung wondered where this was going. Why would Jaehyun care? He felt a tiny flicker of something – hope – build up in his chest, but he quickly tucked it away deep inside of him. “I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I kind of felt stupid at that point too, kissing him like that – it was dumb and impulsive and I don’t know what I was thinking,” he laughed shakily and ran a hand through his hair. He then looked at Doyoung, really looked at him. “Doyoung…”

“Yeah?”

“Listen, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

Doyoung felt angry and confused; he wondered if Taeyong knew about his feelings for Jaehyun, and he wondered if that’s what he was apologizing for, and he felt even angrier. “What for?” he asked, despite himself.

Taeyong let out a breath. “Look, Doyoung, I’m not dumb, I know you like Jaehyun – it’s kind of obvious,” Doyoung looked away. He felt embarrassed. “Well, at least to me, anyway. But that’s not the thing. I admit, it did bother me how close you guys were, how you guys would spend so much time together, and I’m saying maybe me kissing Jaehyun was something my dumb did because of all that pent up jealousy and envy – whatever. What I didn’t realize was that he had feelings for you too. I would’ve never done it if I knew.” Doyoung’s mind started buzzing. He wondered if Taeyong was saying all this to rile him up.

“Jaehyun doesn’t have feelings for me,” he said matter-of-factly. He never let that thought mind – if it did, for the slightest millisecond, he pushed it away just as quickly as it came. He realized long ago he shouldn’t warp and twist Jaehyun’s niceness - his clinginess, all the touching - into something else, because he knew, he convinced himself it was just wishful thinking.

Taeyong blinked at him. “You think I’d be standing here saying sorry to you now if I didn’t know for a fact that he did? This isn’t…this isn’t easy for me, you know. I’ve liked that for god knows how long,” now it was Taeyong’s turn to look away, and he ran his hands through his hair again – something both he and Jaehyun did when they were nervous. “Last night, between his pacing and muttering, he turned to me and said ‘Hyung, I think I ed up,’ and things kind of fell into place for me after that. God, I felt so ing dumb for being oblivious for so long.” Doyoung’s mind was still buzzing, and he tried to process the words he was hearing. His body felt light and weird, and the harsh yellow bulb in the bathroom looked too bright to him just then, the walls too white. It was all just wishful thinking. He repeated to himself like a mantra. That’s not it at all, I know it isn’t, Taeyong hyung’s just jumping to conclusions.

Doyoung stayed silent. He didn’t have anything to say. “Doyoung, you’re a good friend. I don’t want this to turn our friendship sour. None of this is any of our faults – not ours, not Jaehyun’s,” he smiled weakly. “As for me, I don’t know…I guess I’ll just try to get over it or something.” Doyoung hated to admit it, but at that moment he wanted to reach over and hug Taeyong. Just because he looked so sad despite how hard he was trying to smile, because he felt bad that Taeyong was being so dumb.

“Hyung…” Before he could finish whatever he was going to say, Donghyuck walked in. He felt relieved; he genuinely didn’t know what to say to Taeyong. “God, both of you, move out of the way,” he huffed. “Can’t a boy brush his teeth in peace around here?”

“Goodnight, Doyoung,” Taeyong said, and walked out.

He played their conversation in his mind over and over, trying to make sense out of all of it. In the end, he gave up and decided to get up and get a glass of water, briefly thinking about the last sleepless night he had, what he saw in the hallway.

He saw someone sitting on the couch on the living room, and he could tell just by the slump of his shoulders that it was Jaehyun. He sat with his knees up to his chest, his head in-between them, a blanket wrapped around him. His heart warmed at the sight – he looked so much like a baby. But then: a quiet whimper.

Doyoung took a breath. “Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun looked up, startled, and tried adjusting his eyes to the darkness. “Doyoung hyung?”

“Hey,” he sat beside him on the couch. He looked at Jaehyun. He looked tired, worn out, and his eyes looked puffy. “Are you okay?” he asked softly.

“Yeah, I just…couldn’t sleep,” he said, pulling the blanket closer to him. He turned to Doyoung, his head on his knees, and smiled sadly. He looked so adorable sitting like that, smiling at him. Everything around them was so still and quite, and he could almost hear his heart beating, hammering and erratic. “Are you still mad at me?”

I wish I was, he thought to himself. He really, really wished he could he mad at him for making him feel so much – all of this – all the time, but who was he kidding. He could never in a million years be mad at him. “No, I was never mad at you.” He pushed Jaehyun’s hair out of his eyes. “Hey, were you…crying?”

“I don’t know,” he laughed, “Was I?” Doyoung kept looking at him. “I don’t know. It’s stupid. I’m stupid. But hyung…you should really stop being mean to me. You don’t know how sad it makes me.” He said it jokingly, but Doyoung felt a sharp pang in his chest. He wanted to reach out, touch him, comfort him.

“Jaehyun, you know I didn’t mean-”

“No, no, it’s fine. I was dumb for thinking you’d care. I was just wondering if things would ever be the same again, between us. And it just made me really sad.”

Doyoung closed his eyes, and inhaled sharply. “God, you …” He thought about Taeyong and the conversation they had a few hours ago. He immediately pushed those thoughts away.

“Hey, what?”

“You really think I would just, I don’t know, walk out the door right away after what I saw if I didn’t care? Actally, screw that - after everything, you just…think I wouldn’t care?”

Jaehyun’s face grew solemn. “What are you trying to say, hyung?”

What I’m trying to say is that I love you. What I’m trying to say is that I care, I care more than anything in the world because I love you so goddamn much it hurts my heart. Instead, he said: “Nothing. You should really get some sleep.” He kissed the top of Jaehyun’s head, and muttered a soft goodnight.