Jaehyun tried to make small talk during the walk home, but Doyoung continued his parade of one word answers, so he gave up after a while. Doyoung immediately went in to take a shower after they arrived at the loft, and he willed himself to not think about anything, feeling the water encasing him, smooth and cold on his skin. Everything’s fine, he told himself. On his way out, he bumped into Jaehyun. “I’ll just pick my clothes up, you can go in in a sec,” he said. Jaehyun stood at the door, watching him with his towel around his waist, gathering his clothes. Doyoung felt just a tad bit uncomfortable as he felt his eyes boring into his shoulder blades; he never really was a big fan of being watched and scrutinized, which was ironic, since what he did for a living consisted exactly of that.

“Hyung, are we okay?” Jaehyun asked, his voice soft.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” he said, facing him.

Jaehyun nodded, his smile not quiet reaching his eyes. “Yeah, no, I know. I’m glad.”

Life went on, as it must. Doyoung didn’t have time to ponder over much of anything amidst the strenuous hours spent practicing, trying his hardest to get better, pushing himself as hard as he could. Things started falling back to place then, slowly. He tucked the thoughts of Jaehyun and Taeyong in the deepest corner of his mind, and it helped, since him and Jaehyun were back to being like they used to be. Comfortable. He didn’t see much of Taeyong the next few days either; he figured he must be in one of his weird moods which leads him to not come out of his room for hours on end. Not that he was complaining, he thought, then immediately felt guilty afterwards. But: things were okay, kind of.

The calm before the storm, as they say.

It was a Sunday. Doyoung had just come back early from an Inkigayo recording where he was one of the MCs, so he was in a fairly good mood. He wasn’t surprised to find an empty dorm, since they usually go out to eat once every few weeks. Doyoung didn’t mind since it meant he could go to sleep undisturbed, so who was he to complain?

But then: faint noises coming from Jaehyun and Donghyuck’s shared room. He strode towards the room, finding it unusual for any of them to stay behind. He opened the door, and then, a series of events playing out in front of him, all seemingly disconnected in this mind: Jaehyun and Taeyong, in a bed together; Jaehyun’s mouth of Taeyong’s and Taeyong’s mouth on Jaehyun’s, their lips locked; Taeyong’s hand under Jaehyun’s shirt, in his hair, everywhere. Doyoung tried to make sense out of all of it. His mind started buzzing, and he’d obviously knocked into something since both the boys sprung apart at the same time, both looking like they were deer caught in headlights.

Jaehyun’s mouth opened and closed few times, eyes widened, his brown hair mussed, his lips swollen. Doyoung felt an iciness go up and down his body, and everything just hit him right then and there, like a strong gush of wind: this was happening. This was all too real, and it was happening right in front of him; it was like that night he saw them together, only amplified and multiplied out to be so, so much worse and god ing dammit Doyoung wanted the floors to break away and swallow him whole. What a cruel ing joke, he thought.

He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t breathe, and when Jaehyun rushed to him and started talking he couldn’t make sense of any of it, his words gargled as if he was underwater. Doyoung willed himself to walk, to get his limbs moving, and he forced himself out of the grasp Jaehyun had on his arms and walked straight out of their apartment door.

He just walked. He doesn’t know for how long, but then his muscles started to ache and he looked at his watch to see it was almost midnight. He had been walking for two whole hours, and he had to get home soon before their manager got on his case. He went to the dorm to find the usual humdrum of the nightly routines, thankful for all the noise, and quietly slipped into the room, into his bed, not bothering to clean up or change his closed, and he slept.

The next morning he woke up to a wild Taeil looming over him. “Doyoung. Doyoung! Wake up!”

“What?” he mumbled.

“You overslept, you . We have practice.” . He zoomed out of bed and got changed as fast as he could.

The rest of the day played out normally, like it should: practice, lunch, some minor group meetings, more practice. Doyoung stayed behind in the practice room when it was time to go, saying he needed just a bit more time to get the choreo right. The whole day, he hadn’t thought about anything else, didn’t have time to, but right then, Jaehyun voice: “Yeah, I’ll stay behind for a bit too. You guys can go.”

Doyoung felt this white hot anger creeping up inside of him – it was unreasonable, he knew he had no right to feel that way; but he felt it anyway and it was slowly eating him up.

“Hyung.”

Silence.

“Please. Look at me.”

It wasn’t a big deal, he said to himself. It doesn’t matter to him, not anymore. Jaehyun wasn’t his. He turned around and faced him.

“Look, we need to…we need to talk about what happened yesterday.”

Doyoung shrugged. “What’s there to talk about?”

Jaehyun blinked, then he took a breath. “Hyung, I need to explain-“

“No, you don’t.” Doyoung laughed, almost bitterly. “You don’t need to tell me anything. It’s fine.” Doyoung turned around, started gathering his stuff.

“No, please, just…listen to me, will you? I need to tell you what happened.” Doyoung still wasn’t looking at him.

“Please?” his voice seemed almost desperate, and Doyoung didn’t want to listen, but he still turned around. Jaehyun then started talking, a little out of breathe, rushing his words, as if Doyoung would disappear from his sight if he wasn’t fast enough. “That night, the night you saw us in the hallway, Taeyong, he – he told me he had feelings for me, and it was weird but also kind of sweet and he was being so nice and affectionate and then he pecked me and I thought, ‘Okay, wow’ but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, and then last night…” he stopped, breathless, then ran his hand through his hair. “He came to my room, and he was touching my face, holding my hands, telling me how much he cared for me and how he didn’t want me to be anyone’s but his – and the next thing I knew his lips were on mine, and I freaked out and I was confused and I think I kind of kissed him back, but that’s not the p-“

Doyoung cut him off. “Why are you telling me all of this?” he almost sneered.

Jaehyun looked taken aback. He gaped at him for a few seconds, then said. “I don’t know, I thought…”

“You thought what?”

“I don’t know,” he said, defeated, his voice a little shaky. “I just thought you’d care. Don’t you, hyung?”

Jaehyun’s hair was messy, hair sticking to his forehead because of the sweat. Just like last night. He felt that iciness go through his body again, like a cold hand had gripped his insides. All of this, it was just so ing pointless.

Doyoung smiled sadly, “I don’t think I do. See you at the dorm, Jaehyun.” And he walked out.