Song for this chapter: Inner Demons - Julia Brennan

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If only time can be stopped, Junhoe definitely would. His steps towards the entrance of the airport seems to get heavier one after another, he’s not yet ready to go back and leave Hanbin behind. He hasn’t spoken a word since they went out of the place they’re staying and Hanbin hasn’t spoke a word either.

They stopped after they entered the airport. Hanbin smiles at him and ruffles his hair. He wants to stay with Hanbin. If he’s to go back, he wants to go with Hanbin. But there’s nothing he can do to change Hanbin’s mind no matter how hard he tried.

“Aren’t you glad you’re going back home?” Hanbin says as he lifts both his hands up and lifted the sides of Junhoe’s lips to form a smile.

He stares at Hanbin’s face as the latter takes his hand back. How he wish he could see this face everyday. He don’t want this to be the last time he could stare at the face he’s fallen for over the month. He wants to spend up another month, which is a complete wishful thinking, to have stolen moments with Hanbin. He doesn’t want to leave his side, but then his reality demands responsibility and he knows he’s not a kid anymore to do what he wants.

He still has a lot of time, though. Time to go back here just to see this face whenever he wants.

“Well… not really. I’m going to miss you. Do I still have a chance to convince you? You still haven’t told me a lot of things even though I was here for a month, you know.” He says, his voice a bit too quiet. He feels sad thinking Hanbin won’t be visible in his sight for long.

Hanbin smiles at him and pats his shoulder. “I will go back when I’m ready. I know you came all the way here just for me, I appreciate it, I really do. I’m just not ready yet. I’m sorry..”

He nodded, stating that he understands and smiles at Hanbin. He looks at those eyes again while saying his hopes in his mind secretly. All he wants is this person to be happy.

Hanbin also looks at him as he smiles. He pulled him in for a hug and wraps his arms around his neck. He heard him chuckle as he also finally wraps his arms around Junhoe’s waist.

“I’m going to miss you. Take care of yourself, okay?” Junhoe whispers.

“Me too. Even though you annoy me most of the time. I will, you also.” Hanbin says and taps his back. He nods and buries his face on Hanbin’s neck.

“I want to stay, but there’s responsibility back there.” He says a bit muffled but enough for Hanbin to understand. “I will visit you again when I have time, and if not, I will wait for you. I told you that I won’t give up my feelings, right?”

Hanbin sighs. Should he just give Junhoe a chance? He doesn’t want this kid to be dragged down in his messed up life. There’s a lot more things they have to go through, but he’s afraid it will be too hard for Junhoe.

“If that’s so, will you wait for me? Can you wait for me until I finally healed myself?” He asks.

Junhoe lets go of the hug and looks at him straight in the eye. Junhoe knows what he wants, he has already crossed oceans just for this guy infront of him. He doesn’t have to think about what he can do for him, he’s more than willing to do anything.

“I will wait for you, no matter how long. You’ll find me waiting when you finally decided to go back.”

Hanbin smiles. “Okay then...You should check-in now. Have a safe flight. Take care, okay?”

He nods and grabs the handle of his luggage before giving Hanbin one last hug. “You too.”

Hanbin lets go and asked him to go ahead. He smiles and started walking when Hanbin called him again.

“Yes?” He looks over his shoulder. Hanbin waves at him.

“Take care of Chanwoo for me.”

He waves back and smiles. “I will.”

Hanbin nods and motioned for him to continue walking. He walked without looking back, because if he did, he won’t be able to stop himself.

Hanbin watches Junhoe walk until his figure disappears through the doors. He sighs and turns around to walk out of the airport. He felt the emptiness that Junhoe’s presence left. He only has his own company before he goes back to Limousin tomorrow.

With a heavy heart, he walks outside the airport.

*****

He’s sitting on Bobby’s bed, waiting for him to come home.

He haven’t seen him for a while and he wants to surprise Bobby. Feeling giddy and excited, he goes through everything he planned on his head and prepares himself.

He looks around the room and nothing has changed except there were more pictures. Of him. He smiles and felt more excited to see Bobby.

He didn’t know how long he has been waiting but his body tensed up the moment he heard the front door opened. He waited for a while before the door of the room opened.

But shock fell through Hanbin’s body, and then pain took over. He should be surprising Bobby, but not this way.

Bobby surprised him instead, a painful surprise to be exact. What hurts more is it’s not only Bobby, he’s with a girl.

They were kissing when they entered the room and haven’t noticed Hanbin watching them silently. Tears started forming in his eyes, but he won’t let it fall.

It’s when Bobby opened his eyes and saw Hanbin sitting on his bed. As he realizes the situation, his eyes widened and he pushes the girl away. Hanbin just stared at him, pain evident in his eyes.

“What the hell?!” The girl shouts when Bobby pushed her away.

Bobby looks at her, “Go. You can leave…”

The girl looks at him in disbelief and notices Hanbin who was sitting on the bed. She glared at them both and stormed out of Bobby’s house.

They stared at each other for a moment before Hanbin looks away. It’s hard to look at Bobby right now.

He lets out a chuckle. “I should be the one surprising you, turns out it would be you surprising me..”

Bobby rushes to his side and made him look at him. “Hey.. Hanbin, it’s not what you think… I’m... I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing..” He was panicking and tears started welling up as he explain to Hanbin.

He shook his head slightly, thoughts flooding his head. He looks at Bobby’s eyes and he felt his tears wet his cheeks. He can smell the alcohol on Bobby. “Was it really?” His voice cracked. Why does he have to witness it with his own eyes? “I would be thankful if this was a nice surprise, but it was not…”

Bobby shakes his head and hugs him tightly. “I’m sorry, Hanbin. I’m sorry.. please forgive me. It was just a mistake.. I.. I didn’t know what I was doing.. I’m really sorry, babe. Please… please forgive me..” He pleads and hugs Hanbin even tighter.

He buries his face against Bobby’s shoulder and started crying. “Why?” He asks, the pain is just too much. Everything is just ridiculous. “I know this relationship is hard for you, but I’m trying.. Am I not enough for you?”

Bobby lets go of the hug and cups his face. “No, no.. No babe, don’t think like that. You are more than enough for me.. I’m really sorry.. i’m sorry..” He sobs and hugs Hanbin again.

All Hanbin could hear was Bobby’s endless apologies. It ing hurts.

He lets go of Bobby and stood up, he can’t stay in the same place with him. It suffocates him.

He was trying his best to get away fast, but Bobby chased after him and hugged him from the back.

“No… please don’t leave. I can’t let you go like this.. Let’s talk..please..” Bobby mutters, voice ragged from crying.

He wipes his tears. Why does it hurt so bad?

Oh right… because he loves this guy so much.

He calmly takes Bobby’s arms off of him and looks at his eyes. He smiles sadly at him, “It’s fine… Just give me a break. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I know.. I know you don’t..” and left the place quietly.

Every step he takes felt like a knife is being thrown at him, and he can’t do anything but to accept it. He didn’t know it could hurt this much. He didn’t know that a broken promise could hurt like this.

As soon as he steps out of the house, he started to break down. He crouched down and hugged his knees. He wishes that every tear that escapes his eyes could take the pain bit by bit. Why does everyone thinks it’s okay to hurt him?

That day, Bobby broke his heart for the first time.

******

Hanbin wakes up, panting. It was a new dream.

And it was the most painful one.

It was one of the things he wishes he could forget, but the memory of it is still clear on his mind. Even up to this day.

Won’t the pain ever stop?

So instead of reaching for his meds, he reaches for the blade and locks himself in the bathroom.

He looks at his tired face in the mirror, the guy in the mirror looks like a stranger even in his eyes. He sadly lets out a chuckle and drags the blade across his wrists. He watches how the blade cuts through his skin. It hurts, but this would be a better pain than the pain he’s feeling inside. This pain distracts him from thinking. He lets out a relieved sigh as his tears continue flowing. He sat against the wall and hugged his knees. He looks at the blood from the fresh cut and started sobbing. Why am I such a mess?

As he felt his eyes get tired from all the tears, he went out of the bathroom and grabbed his hoodie. He doesn’t want to stay alone in that place. He doesn’t want to sleep. He’s scared to sleep.
 

He went to Chris’ resto and sat by the bar counter. He asked for a glass of whisky. And then another glass, and then another until he lost count of how much more glasses he’s had. How he wishes that every intake of alcohol would numb every pain that’s running through his veins. All he wants was to finally move on and live peacefully. Why can’t he have that? Why am I still stuck up in the past like a loser i’ve always been?

Someone sat on the stool beside him and pats his shoulder. He looks over with bloodshot eyes and messy hair, it was Chris.

“Hey man, why are you here alone? It’s almost midnight.” Chris asks.

He returned his gaze on his glass. “Nothing, I just felt like drinking.”

He hears Chris hum, “Okay.. Oh right, where is that guy you came here with last time?”

He drinks up the whole glass and asks the bartender for another. “Junhoe? He flew back to Korea this afternoon.”

He feels Chris’ eyes on him. “Are you okay? You don’t look too good. What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine. No worries.”

“Are you sure?” Chris initiates. He’s thankful for his concern but the last thing he wants is to rant about his pain to someone.

“I’m sure.” He smiles. “Well.. can I ask you something instead?”

Chris nodded despite being confused. “Okay..”

He drinks a bit of his whisky and looks at Chris. “Why does people think it’s okay to hurt me?”

Chris’ eyes became worried at the sudden question. “Why? Did someone hurt you?”

He shrugs. “No.. It’s nothing. Just a wonder i’ve been having for quite a while now,” he smiles at him. “You could leave me here alone. I know you’re busy.”

He saw the quick hesitation on Chris’ face before he sighs and nodded his head. “Okay, but please don’t drink too much. You’ve had enough.”

“This would be the last one.” He reassures and Chris left after patting his back.

He sighs and drinks the rest of his whisky.

****

Jinhwan was waiting for his train to Limousin. He should have gone back a few days ago after his sister went back to Korea, but he was asked to take care of a few things in her house before he leaves.

Junhoe texted him earlier that day saying that he’s already leaving, that’s why he decided to go back to Limousin within today. He’s still worried about Hanbin. Is he okay? Did he took his meds?

He was zoning out while waiting for the train that’s probably delayed when his phone rang. He looks over to check who would call him in the middle of the night.

It says Chris. He thinks for a moment and realizes it was his and Hanbin’s friend. They just saw each other last week.

He picks up the call.

“Hi Chris, what’s going on?” He asks, thinking of all the possible reasons why he’s calling him at this hour.

“Hey, uhm.. are you still in Paris?” He hears the hesitation in his voice, which made him furrow his brows.

“Uhm, yes. But I’m already going back to Limousin, I’m just waiting for the train. Why? Is there something wrong?”

“Oh, uhm.. can you go to the resto, please?”

“Why? What happened?” He asks, confused.

He heard him let out a sigh, “Hanbin’s here. He doesn’t look too good.”

His fingers tapping on his luggage handle froze. “What? Who?”

“Hanbin. He’s here, he’s already drank too much. I’m worried about him, but I don’t know where he’s staying. I can’t accompany him either, I’m stuck with work.Could you please pick him up?” He grips his phone tighter. He’s thinking why the hell Hanbin is in Paris.

“I’m coming.” He says and rushes outside the train station.

It took him longer than he should have to get to the resto. His eyes searched for Hanbin as soon as he entered the place. His heart pounding hard when he didn’t see any sight of Hanbin. He rushes to the bar corner and sees the only figure of a person, looking weak and vulnerable.

“Hanbin-ah…” He calls to the young man who has his head on the bar counter.

Hanbin opens his eyes and turns his head slightly to look at him. He smiles before muttering, “Hyung..”

He lets out a sigh and helped Hanbin to sit up. He scans his whole being, checking if he was hurt somewhere. He felt himself relax when he made sure he’s fine, but his eyes doesn’t miss the faint blood stain in Hanbin’s hoodie sleeves. Worry starts to take over him again and he carefully lifts up the sleeves up to his elbow, revealing the cut on the skin with the blood already dried up. He shook his head as he covers them down again. This is bad..

He holds Hanbin on both shoulders carefully, “Let’s go back, okay?” 

Hanbin stares directly to his eyes and smiles a little before nodding. Jinhwan returns the smile and ruffles his hair. He helps Hanbin stand up, offering his hand and Hanbin took it unconsciously.

“Can you tell me where you’re staying?” Hanbin only nods in reply.

He had a hard time supporting Hanbin with walking while dragging his luggage with the other hand. Cold air was biting his skin and he can feel himself shiver. But none of it matters right now, all he’s thinking about was to get Hanbin home and make him rest.

With a few blocks away from where they came from, Hanbin has somehow managed to still tell him the way despite being drunk. Jinhwan couldn’t tell how much he sighed on the way there.

He lets out another sigh of relief as they entered the place, thankful for the warmth easing him. He drops his luggage on the floor mindlessly and helped Hanbin on the couch. His eyes already closed.

He quickly changed his clothes and started to help Hanbin to go to bed. He helps him take off his hoodie and made him lie down on the bed. It’s always hard for him to look at Hanbin when he’s weak like this, it makes his chest hurt and his protectiveness about him grows more than it should.

With another heavy sigh, he started to clean Hanbin’s cut with the first aid kit he found on the bathroom. His fingers careful every time Hanbin flinches from the sting of his cut. He carefully put a bandage on it and stood up when he’s done.

He’s about to go back to the bathroom to return the first aid kit when Hanbin grabs his wrist.

“Hyung..” his voice seems small and weary. He puts the kit on the side table and sits beside him. He gently brushes off the hair that’s covering Hanbin’s eyes and smiles.

“Hmm? You feeling okay?” he saw how Hanbin hesitated at first before he shook his head slightly and closes his eyes.

“I don’t want to sleep, hyung.”

He nods his head and lied down next to Hanbin. He pulls up the comforter over them as Hanbin wraps his arms around him, like somehow looking for protection. He holds Hanbin close and patted his head lightly.

“Was it a new dream?” He whispers. He felt Hanbin nod slightly.

“Yeah… it hurts hyung...” there’s a slur in between his words but it’s enough for Jinhwan to understand. He rubs calming circles around his back as he hears light sniffles coming out of Hanbin, he knows his tears are threatening to fall.

But the thing about this is, it’s not just about being there beside him. Jinhwan knows he cares a lot about the person he’s holding right now, and it takes a whole lot of effort not to cry when Hanbin’s being like this. It’s also somehow about being strong enough to support Hanbin, and to be strong enough to accept that he can’t do anything to lessen his pain. It’s a great pain, really, to watch someone he loves hurting.

“Let’s go to sleep, okay? I’m here, you’ll be okay.” He reassures him.

Hanbin just nods and he buries his face deeper on his chest. He runs his fingers through Hanbin’s hair and hums a song to ease him, making Hanbin relax.

“I’m sorry, hyung…” Hanbin says after some time, voice muffled because of his shirt.

“For what?”

“Wrist..” He just says and starts to doze off.

He didn’t say anything because it’s best not to. If only he could let himself be selfish, if only he has the courage to confess to Hanbin. If only he loves him back. But then, what good would it do? He’s scared to break him even more and lose him in the long run. Maybe if he just stayed beside him, feelings aside, maybe he could keep Hanbin for a long time. Maybe that would be enough to give him another reason to live, even if he’s not his.

When he made sure Hanbin’s already sleeping, he switches off the light; letting darkness surround them and accompany him with his thoughts.

****

“Do you think he’s going back here?”

Donghyuk takes his eyes away from the book he’s reading and looks at Bobby. They’re at his place since Bobby can’t hang out in Chanwoo’s place for a while. He still feels sorry to the kid and he doesn’t think he can look at him without being awkward.

“To be honest hyung, I don’t know. I’m not sure either why I said that to Chanwoo. I can only hope.” He says with a sigh as he settles the book aside

and crosses his arms.

Bobby furrows his brows at him, thinking. “Then why did you say that if you’re not sure?”

He leans his back against the sofa, “I don’t know. It’s just, there’s a feeling in my gut that tells me he will be back. Maybe not now, maybe in the future. He may even show up here suddenly. It’s just, it’s not impossible.” 

“Okay..” Bobby just says and they went silent. Both occupied with thoughts.

“How was it like?” He asks after some time. Bobby looks at him, confused.

“What?”

“Your relationship with Hanbin-hyung. How was it like?” A small smile formed in his lips.

Bobby was taken aback for a bit, not really expecting the question but still gave him a shy smile. “Well, it was great. I loved being with him… I still remember how he smiles when we’re together…We were happy..”

There was a hint of sparkle in Bobby’s eyes when he said that and Donghyuk can’t help but shake his head and smile at his friend. It suddenly gave him a sad feeling in his chest. They could be great with each other, he thought, only it was unfortunate how they ended up like this; all broken and sad.

“I miss him, Dong.”

He knows. He knows how his friend feels.

“I miss him too..” he just says.

“What would you do when he gets back here?” He asks when Bobby didn’t say anything.

He went silent for a moment, waiting for Bobby’s answer. He already knows the answer anyway.

“Explain, apologize and win him back.” Bobby says simply, a bit wary of Donghyuk’s stare.

Of course he would.

“What if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore?”

Silence.

“Then I’ll let him go..”

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Here it is! Sorry this was late, I know I said I would update on the weekends but I got caught up with school. I'll just update whenever i'm not too busy.

Anyways, how was it? I feel like i've been giving you guys a lot of angsty chapters so far, but I promise once everything works out, good things will finally happen.

Please let me know what you think.

I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you very much for reading!