Songs for this chapter: Make you feel my love - Moira dela Torre cover

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The letter still lingers in Donghyuk’s mind. Everything is just too much. He still can’t get the answer. What actually happened? Why is everything a mess?

He might get crazy thinking about it the whole day. He just sat there in the sofa for hours after he read the letter. ‘Why did you deal with it alone, Hyung?’

When he thought he can’t take it anymore, he stood up, grabbed his hoodie and went out. He pulls his phone out from his pocket and called Chanwoo.

“Where are you?” He asks as soon as Chanwoo picked up his call.

“Why?” Chanwoo’s voice sounds weary.

“Let’s meet up.”

“Where? Can I please take a break? I’m tired.” his voice cracked.

“Just meet me in Han river, okay? Let’s just talk.”

He sighs in defeat. “Okay.” he says and hung up the call.

Donghyuk waited for Chanwoo while looking at the river. The bridge looks beautiful when it lights up.

He sees a figure walking slowly near him.

“Hey..” he says as soon as Chanwoo sat beside him. He just nods at him.

They’re just quiet sitting there. No one’s talking and their minds wandering.

“I can’t understand…” He hears Chanwoo mutter. “Why did they hide it from us?”

“I don’t know too..”

“I should have known. They were so close before, I thought they’re just best friends. I should have noticed.. I should have known there’s something more to it..” 

“I should have done something for Hanbin hyung.. before he left, he’s already distant. He wouldn’t tell me anything. He would sometimes lock himself in his room for a week or more..” Chanwoo’s voice cracked and the tears started falling. Donghyuk stayed silent and just listens to him, soothing his back.

“I should have made him talk to me. He wouldn’t talk to anyone else. I should have tried harder…”

“Hey..Don’t blame yourself, okay? We all don’t know anything. It’s hard to understand but they have their reasons.”

Chanwoo looks at him. “I want to see my brother, Donghyuk. Can you bring me to him?”

He shook his head. “No, Chanwoo.”

“But-”

“Let’s give him time, Chanwoo. We have to trust him. He’ll come back when he’s ready, okay? And besides, Junhoe is there. Let’s hope for the best.” He says, reassuring Chanwoo.

Chanwoo lets out a heavy sigh. “Okay.”

“Come on. Let’s bring you home.” Chanwoo just nods.

Donghyuk brought him home and left when he entered his apartment. It was actually his and Hanbin’s.

He switches on the lights and went to Hanbin’s room. He sat on the bed and looked around every corner of the room. He never touched this place ever since Hanbin left. His scent is still there, pictures on the side table and the mickey mouse stuffed toy that’s lying on the bed. He grabs mickey mouse and looks at it. It was his gift to Hanbin when they were little that became their company when growing up.

They were close. Like, really close. They were protective of each other. They won’t let one of them get hurt. And thinking about it now, Chanwoo realizes that he still has a lot of things that he doesn’t know about his brother.

He caresses mickey’s ears and sighs. ‘I miss you, Hyung. I’ll protect you from everything and everyone that’s hurting you. I hope you come back soon…’

*****

Jinhwan wakes up early as usual. But for some reason, he feels weird. He felt like that since he woke up. He shakes off his head as if it can make all the negative thoughts go away.

He takes a shower and does his morning routine that he does before leaving for work. When he’s about to go out of the house, he notices that Hanbin’s shoes are still there. Meaning, Hanbin hasn’t left yet. ‘He should be in the cafe by now…’

He takes off his shoes and went to check on Hanbin, thinking maybe he just overslept.

He knocks on Hanbin’s room first before opening the door.

“Hanbin-ah..” He calls as he opens the door.

That’s when he sees Hanbin sitting on his bed sweating, one hand hugging his knees and the other clutching his chest, breathing heavily. Hanbin’s eyes met his and that’s when Hanbin started sobbing. Jinhwan rushes off to Hanbin’s side and cups his face.

“Hey..Hanbin-ah..” He says as he makes him look at him.

“Hyung….hyung…” Hanbin is sobbing hard and Jinhwan tries hard to calm himself.

“Shhh..Hanbin-ah, try to breathe..” He says as he holds Hanbin’s hands. “You can do it..try to breathe. It’s not real, no one will hurt you. I’ll just get your meds, okay? I’ll be back. Don’t be scared, i’m here.” He says calmly, Hanbin grabs his hand and shook his head.

“No! no...don’t leave me please..” He tries so hard not to tear up, but it’s hard seeing Hanbin like this.

He holds Hanbin’s cheek. “I won’t leave you, okay? I won’t leave. I’ll just get your meds, okay? I’ll be back.” Hanbin nods at him, still having a hard time trying to breath.

Jinhwan rushes off to the kitchen. He grabs Hanbin’s medicine and a glass of water and runs back to his room. He’s panicking because this is the first time after three months. He thought Hanbin is getting better.

After Hanbin took his meds, he has calmed down a little. Jinhwan is encouraging him to take a deep breath and it made him feel a bit better. Jinhwan hugs him and hushes him off to sleep. He felt Hanbin bury his face to his chest, still crying. He runs his hand on Hanbin’s hair and waited until he stopped crying. When he made sure that Hanbin is already sleeping, he carefully gets out of the bed and covers Hanbin with the comforter. He wipes the tears in Hanbin’s cheek and went out of the room quietly.

He calls to his work and said he has an emergency. He’s lucky his boss isn’t that strict. He then calls the cafe and tells them to tell Junhoe to go to their apartment if he ever comes there.

He’s cooking soup for Hanbin when he heard a knock on the door. It’s Junhoe, he thought.

He went to open the door and saw Junhoe standing there. They went in and head straight to the kitchen.

“Where’s Hanbin hyung? Why did they tell me to go here?” Junhoe asks, worry evident in his voice.

He sighs. “He’s sleeping. He had a panic attack this morning, that’s why I can’t leave the house.”

Junhoe froze. “Panic attack? Wha..what?”

He looks at him, confused. “You didn’t know?” Junhoe shook his head.

Jinhwan sighs and palmed his face. “Oh my goodness...  I thought you knew..”

Junhoe stares at him. “When did he start having panic attacks?”

He’s hesitating whether to tell Junhoe or not. If Junhoe doesn’t know about it, that clearly says something. Hanbin doesn’t want them to know, but he needs to ask Junhoe’s help to look after Hanbin because he has to leave tomorrow.

“He said it started before he left Korea. I thought you knew..”

“No... we didn’t know..” Junhoe mutters as if he’s saying it to himself. “Why did he have an attack this morning?”

“I don’t know..” Jinhwan says quietly. “He might have had a terrible dream again, maybe that’s why. I thought he’s getting better. This is the first time after three months.” He sighs.

Junhoe just nods. “Can I see him?”

“Maybe later. Let him sleep a bit, you can bring this soup later to him. Is that good?”

“Yeah, okay..”

Jinhwan smiles at him and finished cooking. He puts the bowl of soup into a tray with a glass of water and gave it to Junhoe.

“Give him a few more minutes to rest, maybe ten minutes or so. He’s been sleeping for half an hour now anyway, you can wake him up to eat after then.”

Junhoe nods and takes the tray from him.

“Oh, right...uhm..Junhoe?” Jinhwan calls him.

He turns to look at him. “Hmm?”

“Will it be okay if I ask you to check up on him every night? I mean, make sure he sleeps first before you go back to your hotel? It’s just for three weeks. If that’s okay with you?”

“Sure.. that’s fine with me.” Junhoe says with a nod. “But why, are you leaving?”

He lets out a sigh. “Yeah, I’ll be leaving for Paris tomorrow and my sister is there, so I can’t cancel it. I can’t leave Hanbin alone here and I can only trust him to you. I still don’t know if i’m staying there for three weeks or more. But, just please look after him.”

Junhoe reassures him with a smile. “No problem hyung. I’ll take care of him.”

“Thank you.” He says with a nod. Junhoe just smiled at him.

Jinhwan went to his room to pack for tomorrow. He told Junhoe to call him if he ever needed anything and Junhoe told him not to worry.

*****

Hanbin woke up from his sleep, head feeling heavy. When he opens his eyes he sees Junhoe standing by the door, watching him sleep.

“Hey…” Junhoe says as he gets closer to him and sit by his side. “How are you feeling?”

He stares at him for quite a while before answering. “I’m fine. What time is it?”

“It’s already 1 in the afternoon. You want to eat?”

He knows Junhoe is being cautious. Junhoe knows what happened. He knows he wants to ask a lot of things, but he didn’t and he’s really thankful for that. Because the last thing Junhoe deserves is worry.

He just nods and Junhoe smiled at him. He’s watching Junhoe while he’s helping him eat his food. He’s just there, not asking anything, just smiling at him and that comforted him in a lot of ways.

When he finished eating his food, Junhoe grabbed the tray and stood up. Hanbin panics and grabs his wrists.

“Don’t leave, please.” He pleads quietly. Junhoe smiles at him.

“I’ll just bring this back to the kitchen. I’ll be back, okay?” He nods and Junhoe went out of his room.

He sat there in his bed, hugging his knees. A lot of things has been running in his mind, but more than that, he’s more worried about Junhoe. Is he okay? What does he think about what happened?

He looks up when the door opened. Junhoe smiles and sat beside him.

“Hey…” Junhoe says as he lifts up his hand to get rid of the hair blocking Hanbin’s eyes.

He just watches everything Junhoe does. He doesn’t know what got into him but before he can even stop himself, he’s already pulled Junhoe in for a hug and buries his face into his neck. Without saying anything, he feels Junhoe’s arms wrap around him and puts his chin on his shoulders.

They stayed like that for a while, listening to each other breathing. It’s at times like these where Junhoe is careful around Hanbin. These vulnerable moments that makes him not wanting to get near Hanbin or touch him because he’s afraid that he might break him even more but also makes him want to protect Hanbin more from the world.

“You want to tell me what happened?” He hears Junhoe ask. He sighs and pulls away from the hug.

“I’m sorry.” He says quietly. He saw how Junhoe’s eyes softened and smiled warmly at him.

“You don’t need to say sorry to me, hyung. I understand.”

“But… I didn’t tell you…”

Junhoe held his hand and stares at him. “Hyung, let me tell you this. You are not entitled to tell me everything if it makes you uncomfortable. Sure, I’d like to know but if you don’t want to tell me or if you think you’re not ready, I can understand that. I’m just here if you want to tell me anything.”

Hanbin nods at him and took a deep breath. “I had a dream….it was a bad dream..I…” Junhoe felt Hanbin’s grip on his hand get tighter. He runs his thumb on Hanbin’s hand to calm him and it did help a bit. “I...l...i want them to stop..”

Tears started falling again and he shakes his head off, wanting to forget the bad dream he had. Junhoe pulls Hanbin close to him and hugged him.

“Hey...it’s okay. Shhh...it’s okay, hyung..” He says.

He just let Hanbin cry until he stopped. Junhoe wipes the tears from Hanbin’s cheeks and cups his face. “Hey...I’m here okay? No one can hurt you..”

Hanbin just nods at him. Junhoe pats his shoulder and takes out his phone.

“You want to talk with Donghyukie?” Junhoe asks him.

“But…” He wants to refuse, but maybe Donghyuk can be a distraction from his thoughts.

Junhoe smiles at him. “Don’t worry. He doesn’t know. I didn’t tell him. Just talk to him, okay? He’s the best listener anyway.”

He sighs. “Okay.” and he watches Junhoe type in something on his phone before he calls Donghyuk.

*****

Donghyuk was eating dinner with Chanwoo at Yunhyeong’s place. They didn’t mention anything about what happened yesterday and just talked like they usually do.

He’s listening to Chanwoo and Yun argue about something when he felt his phone vibrate. He looks at it and sees a text from Junhoe.

I’m gonna let you talk to Hanbin hyung. Can you please cheer him up? Don’t ask him why, i’ll just explain it to you when I get back there. - J

Right after he read the message, Junhoe’s name showed up in his phone. He answered the call.

“Hey..what’s up?” He says as soon as he puts the phone near his ear. Chanwoo and Yun both stopped talking and looked at him.

‘It’s Junhoe.’ He mouthed to the two when he saw their questioning faces.

“Hi…uhm. Hanbin hyung wants to talk to you.” he hears Junhoe say.

“Okay.” He said and waited for Junhoe to give the phone to Hanbin.

“Donghyuk-ah…” He hears Hanbin’s voice. He smiled and tried to make his voice sound cheerful.

“Hi, hyung! How are you? I just finished eating dinner. Have you eaten already?” He saw how Chanwoo’s face lit up as he said that.

“Hi... Yeah, i’m fine. Yes, i already ate. How are you?”

“I’m also fine, hyung. Still has a few days of holidays, so I can still relax. How’s the cafe going? I miss the coffee there.” He saw Chanwoo staring intently at him. He knows he wants to talk to his brother. Donghyuk smiled at him.

“Good for you. Cafe is okay..” Hanbin pauses for a bit. “Donghyuk-ah..”

“Hmm?”

“Who’s your favorite writer?” the question is random. So random that he knows Hanbin is trying to distract himself.

“Hmm. Now, that’s a hard question. Let me think...if I’m going be biased, it’s definitely Kim Hanbin..” he heard Hanbin chuckle. Chanwoo and Yun are just watching him talk.

“Oh, stop. I’m not a writer. But seriously..”

“Well, it’s no doubt. Murakami. You know how much I loved Kafka on the Shore. Although I still haven’t read all of his works yet, that’s gonna be my favorite for sure.”

“Murakami, huh? Nice choice.” He hears the amusement in Hanbin’s voice. He chuckles.

“Uhm, hyung…” He’s going to do this for the both of them. Chanwoo and Hanbin, he means.

“Yes?”

“Someone wants to talk to you...is it okay?” As he said that, he saw how Chanwoo looked up to him.

“Who?” He hears Hanbin asks. He gave the phone to Chanwoo.

‘Your brother.’ He mouthed to Chanwoo answering his questioning stare.

****

“Who?” He asks. He’s hoping it’s not someone he’s not ready to talk with.

There’s a long pause before someone spoke. “Hyung…” He froze. He knows this voice.

“He..hey..” He mutters. If there’s anyone he misses more than everything in this world, it’s this person.

“How are you? You doing great?” He knows they’re both getting emotional, but the voice on the other line is lively.

“Yeah. I’m doing fine. How’s my little brother?” He smiles to himself, tears already welling up.

He heard him chuckle. “I’m okay, hyung. Mickey already misses you.”

He laughs. He’s already feeling better talking with Chanwoo. “Tell mickey I miss him too.”

“Yeah. How about me? Do you miss me too, hyung?”

He smiles as he wipes the tear that fell. “Yeah.. I miss you the most.”

“I miss you too.” He heard his voice cracked. ‘I’ll be coming back soon. We’ll see each other again, Chanwoo…’

“Yeah.. uhm, i need to hang up now. The call is going to be expensive. Take care of yourself, huh?” He wants to talk to him more, but he’s afraid he won’t be able to keep his feelings to himself any longer.

He heard a deep sigh. “Yeah, okay. I will. You too. Take care. For me.”

“I will. Bye..”

“Bye hyung..” and then he hung up.

After the call, his tears just kept flowing. He just let it fall and he just let Junhoe hold him until he fell asleep from crying.

*****

Jinhwan is standing in the doorway with his luggage. He has to leave today but he also has a lot to nag about to Hanbin. After everything that had happened yesterday, he has to make sure he will be okay in the house.

“Don’t forget to take your meds, okay? And eat! Don’t skip meals, for goodness sake. You can cook, right?” Hanbin nods. “Okay, good. There are foods in the fridge, just go to the supermarket if you ran out of everything. And also-”

He laughs at Jinhwan and pats his hyung’s head. “Hyung, stop. I’ll be okay here. Stop nagging. I know what I need to do.” He says as he smiles to reassure Jinhwan.

Jinhwan looks at him worriedly. “You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yes. Don’t worry about me. Just have fun there, okay?” He hugs Jinhwan and taps his back. “Just don’t forget to bring me something from there.”

Jinhwan chuckles. “Yeah, yeah. Take care, okay?”

“Yes. You should go now, you might miss your train.” He pulls out from the hug and watches Jinhwan go out of the house.

“Bye hyung!” He shouts as he waves his hand to Jinhwan. Jinhwan does the same.

“Bye! I’ll see you when I get back!” He hears him shout back before he smiles at him and closes the door.

He looks around the house and takes in the quietness. ‘I’m alone again here in this house..’

He does what Jinhwan nagged him to do. He prepared lunch for himself and sat infront of his laptop. He doesn’t have the will to go to his cafe today, so all he does is get lost in his own world with his laptop and writes his heart away.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting infront of his laptop when he only returned back into reality with someone knocking on the front door. He went to open it and there is Junhoe looking serious.

“Hey..” He greets him. Junhoe just looked at him. “What’s wrong?”

They went inside and sat on the sofa. Junhoe lets out a sigh.

“Why aren’t you in the cafe?” He looks at Junhoe apologetically. ‘He must have waited for me…’

“Sorry. I was writing and I didn’t notice the time. I didn’t want to leave the house either..”

“It’s okay. You want to eat outside? I know a place not too far from here.” Junhoe says as he smiles at him.

He frowns. “Can’t we just eat here? I’m too lazy to go outside.” he whines and Junhoe just laughed at him.

“Do you want to cook?” He shook his head.  “Thought so. I don’t even know how to cook either, so you have no choice.” Junhoe smirks at him.

“But-” He tries to refuse but Junhoe cuts him off.

“No buts. Come on!” Junhoe says as he grabs his wrist and drags him on the way to the door.

He removes Junhoe’s hand on his wrist. “Okay! Fine! But can you please let me change first? Wait here, i’ll be fast.” He says as he turns to go to his room. He hears Junhoe laugh before he gets into his room to change.

He went out of his room wearing a white v-neck shirt, black jeans and a denim jacket. He saw how Junhoe stared at him that made his cheek blush.

“Stop staring.” He hisses as Junhoe’s smirk slowly creep up his face.

“Why do you always look so good?” Junhoe asks as if it’s the world’s greatest wonder.

“Stop saying nonsense. Oh my goodness..” He hisses as he punches Junhoe’s arm and went to the door. He looks over his shoulder to see Junhoe still standing in the same place. “Are you coming or what?”

“Yeah, yeah. Chill out, will you?” Junhoe says as he walks towards him and they left the house together.

The restaurant was nice and Hanbin found the place quite cosy. The food tastes good that it made their mood a bit better and decided to drink.

By the time they're on their way back to his apartment, they’re already both slightly drunk and doesn’t have any care about the world.

Hanbin is staring at Junhoe with sleepy eyes as he helps him sleep. He’s sitting by his side running his fingers through his hair.

“Why aren’t you not leaving yet?” He asks, eyes slightly closed.

“I’ll leave after you fall asleep.” Junhoe says as he smiles at him. He just nods at him.

“Junhoe…”

“Hmm?” Junhoe looks at him.

“Why don’t you just sleep here with me?” He asks and he felt Junhoe’s fingers on his hair froze.

“Are you sure?” He nods with his eyes already closed.

Junhoe lets out a sigh. “Okay..But can I borrow some clothes? I won’t sleep with these jeans on.”

He just nods. He felt Junhoe stand up and he’s already dozed off after some time.

Junhoe took long changing his clothes in the bathroom. By the time he walks back to the room, Hanbin is already sleeping. He lies next to Hanbin and stared at his face. He looks so peaceful when he’s sleeping. He looks calm and cute, like he looks more younger than his age. He wants to remember this moment. He wants to remember this face he’s seeing now because after he returns back to Korea, he doesn’t know when he will see this face again. ‘I want to stay here with you...Can we be like this forever?’

He covers Hanbin with the comforter. He stares at him for a bit more time and he kisses his forehead. He hugs Hanbin as he closes his eyes to sleep.

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So, how was it? I had trouble writing this because my feels just gets in the way. *sighs*

I really want to thank you for the kind comments for the last chapter. Your feedbacks are very much appreciated.

(Hanbin makes me emotional, I don't know why.) Anyways, I hope you liked this chapter. Please let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading!