Song for this chapter : Heard You Crying - Michael Schulte

Trigger warning: Panic attack

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“Donghyuk-ah, I’m going back…”

Donghyuk’s grip on his phone got tighter. He knows the person speaking on the other line. He knows him really well. But why is he doubting it now?

“Ha...hanbin hyung?” He manages to utter. The shock slowly subsiding.

“Yeah… it’s me.”

“Is this real? Are you really coming back?” He asks again. To be sure.

He hears a sigh. “I’ve thought really hard about this, Dong. This is a really hard decision for me…”

He inhales as if to clear his mind and relief slowly spreads into his heart. Finally.  

“I understand, hyung. Do you want me to pick you up?” He asks cheerfully. Feeling excited all of a sudden.

“Yeah. Uhm, if you don’t mind of course.” He hears the nervousness in Hanbin’s voice. He smiles to himself.

“Of course, I don’t mind. When will you arrive?”

“The day after tomorrow. Please, don’t tell them yet. Okay?”

He hesitates, but then it wouldn’t matter. He’s going back. “Okay hyung.”

“Thank you..” Hanbin says quietly. Donghyuk just hums in reply before he hears the call ended.

This is it. He thought. Everything will be fine again. They will be complete again, after a long time.

He lets out a sigh. Thanking the heavens or whoever listens to his prayers that this day would come. It’s here and everything’s going to fall back into place.

He feels a bunch of emotion creeping in his heart. He stops himself and decided to occupy his mind with other things. All he knows right now is he’s relieved.

****

Watching the clouds has always a calm effect on Hanbin, and seeing he’s flying above it now makes him feel like his mind’s floating. He didn’t know how he fell into this decision but there’s no turning back now.

“Hanbin, could you please calm down?” Jinhwan stresses to Hanbin. He couldn’t stop shaking his legs because they’re already about to land.

“Ah hyung! I don’t think this is a good idea! What should I do? Huh? Hyung!” Hanbin whines.

To be honest, he’s actually excited to see his friends again. Especially Chanwoo, but of course he has to contain himself. These kinds of emotions ruin him, so it’s best to lie low.

“Oh quit it! We’re almost there. There’s no turning back! And I don’t want to spend another more than 10 hours on a plane. Just calm down.” Jinhwan hisses.

“But hyung..”

He tries to hide it but his smile betrays him. He struggles not to show it but Jinhwan already squinted his eyes on him and punches his arm playfully.

“Stop fussing! Do you think you’re cute being an idiot like this?”

Hanbin chuckles before nodding. “Yes. I guess you weren’t informed but I’m naturally cute.” He winks before dodging Jinhwan’s punch again.

“You really lost your mind, huh?” He says, amused. He really didn’t expect Hanbin to be like this, but he’s thankful. Maybe this is what really should happen, maybe this is what Hanbin really needs. This will be worth it, he believes.

“Yeah. I left it somewhere in Limousin.”

He sighs. “I give up. I don’t know you, please don’t talk to me.”

Hanbin just laughs at him before leaning his back against his seat. This is it. He thought. He’s actually doing this. He’s going back and he’s scared. Scared of what awaits him. He’s scared because this time, he finally chose to be brave; and being brave did nothing good to him. Just left him in pieces.

Would it still be the same case again this time? Or will he actually find himself be whole again? He really hopes it’s the latter.

‘I’ll just get through this. You’ll be fine Hanbin, you’ll be fine..’

He calms his heart during the landing. Jinhwan even had to drag him out of the plane because he’s spacing out. The excitement he’s feeling earlier is now replaced with fear. His emotions confuse him and now he doesn’t know what to feel. All he knows is no matter how hard he calms himself, his heart's still pounding hard as if rebelling from doing what he wants.

‘Don’t panic. It will be fine..’

After they pass the immigration, they quietly head to get their luggage. After they got their stuff, they walked their way to the waiting area. They sit there quietly, his mind running through more doubts. Jinhwan reaches for his hand and squeezed it gently, as if to assure him that he’s there.

“I thought you’re fine earlier? What’s wrong?” Jinhwan worriedly asks. He noticed the sudden change on Hanbin’s mood and it was never a good sign.

He looks at him helplessly. “I suddenly felt scared, hyung…”

Jinhwan held his hand tighter. “Hyung’s here. I promise, it will be fine. Okay?”

He stares intently at Jinhwan before nodding. He looks down and closes his eyes.

‘Don’t be scared, Hanbin. It’s fine..’

He tries hard to console himself mentally while holding Jinhwan’s hand tightly. Desperate for support because he suddenly feels it. He feels it’s coming and he’s scared. Scared to blow up. Why now?

“Hyung..” He breathes. In and out.

Jinhwan watches him carefully. He now thinks there’s really something wrong. “Hmm?”

Jinhwan notices Hanbin’s ragged breathing, clutching his hand. His eyes widen a bit before reminding himself to stay calm. ‘This is bad..’

He reaches for Hanbin face and made him look at him. “Hey, you’re okay?” He asks but then he sees the slow forming of tears in Hanbin’s eyes and his forehead started to sweat. Hanbin shakes his head at him and his sobs slowly work up on his throat.

When he realizes what’s happening, Jinhwan quickly reached for his bag and rummages through for the medicine and water. He gave Hanbin his meds and after he drank it, Jinhwan hugged him tightly.

“Shh... You’re okay. You’re safe, hyung’s here. Don’t worry.” He whispers. Rubbing soothing circles on his back. Hanbin buries his face on Jinhwan’s shoulder, his hand shaking while clutching Jinhwan’s jacket.

“Hyung…” He cries silently. Afraid people might hear him. Of all places, why here?

“I don’t want to be here, hyung… Please..”

Jinhwan nods and hushes him. “Okay. We’ll go out of here, okay? No one’s going to hurt you. Hyung’s here.”

Hanbin nods but still doesn’t let Jinhwan go. He continues to rub his back gently while guiding Hanbin to breathe. He looks around and he’s thankful there’s not a lot of people, just a few and it will somehow help Hanbin to calm down.

He returns his attention to Hanbin and whispers soothing assurance to his ear. As Hanbin’s breathing became steady, he holds Hanbin’s hand and leads him outside the airport.

“I’m sorry hyung.. I’m sorry..” Hanbin’s voice cracked and Jinhwan felt a pang in his chest. ‘I hope this is the last time you’ll suffer like this…’ His heart pleads.

He wraps his arm across Hanbin’s back and smiled at him. “It’s fine. It’s not your fault. I won’t leave you through this, okay?”

Hanbin nods and tries to breathe more steadily. He still feels his heart throb but not so much like earlier. He was so scared he thought he’s about to go insane. He’s thankful that Jinhwan’s by his side. Jinhwan still doesn’t take his arms off him and it helped him to calm down. Feeling assured that he’s not alone.

They stand there for what seems like a half-hour when he felt his phone vibrates. He takes his phone out of his pocket and looks at it, Donghyuk’s name was written on the screen. With his hand slightly shaking, he hands his phone to Jinhwan. Jinhwan took it and nods before answering the call. Hanbin just watches Jinhwan talk with Donghyuk, telling him where they are. Maybe if he was in good condition, he would be the one answering the call. But then with what just happened, he’s afraid to even speak; scared his voice might crack. He just came back and this already happened. He felt disappointed.

‘You’re ed up, Hanbin. You’re ed up!’ His mind spitefully rants.

He shakes his head as if to brush off his thoughts and Jinhwan hands him his phone. He took it and places it back to his pocket, smiling at Jinhwan.

“Hanbin-hyung!” They hear someone shout. Hanbin’s eyes dart up and sees Donghyuk waving at them, smiling widely.

He struggles to put on a smile and wave back. Donghyuk strides closer to them and enclosed him in a hug.

“You’re back hyung!” Donghyuk cheers as he lets Hanbin go. Hanbin chuckles lightly and nods at him.

Donghyuk was really glad to see him. He turns to look at Jinhwan, who still has his arm placed protectively across Hanbin’s back, and offers his hand out, still smiling widely. Jinhwan returns a smile just as wide and took Donghyuk’s hand. He is surprised when Donghyuk pulled him in for a quick hug.

“I’m Donghyuk. You must be Jinhwan?” He muses.

‘This kid’s really bright.’ Jinhwan thought. He nods. “Yes, I am. And in case you don’t know I might be smaller than you, but I’m your hyung.” He states jokingly.

Donghyuk’s eyes widen and lets out a small laugh. “Sorry. I should have asked. Anyway, nice meeting you Jinhwan-hyung.”

Jinhwan smirks and nods. “No worries, this punk here doesn’t call me hyung sometimes.” He says and nudged Hanbin slightly.

Donghyuk laughs, amused at Jinhwan. Hanbin whines weakly.

“You must be tired. Let’s go to the car.” Donghyuk says and the two just nod. He helped them with their luggage.

Hanbin is the first to occupy the backseat. Jinhwan helps Donghyuk put their luggage on the compartment and took it as a chance to ask for something.

“Hey, uhm… Do you mind if I sit with Hanbin in the backseat? Something came up and I promise I’ll explain it to you later.”

Donghyuk senses there’s something wrong but he’s not one to pry. “No problem, hyung. It’s okay.”

Jinhwan smiles as a sign of thanks and heads inside the car. Donghyuk follows behind him.

“Do you want to go first to my house, or your apartment?” He asks as he settles himself on the driver seat.

Hanbin hesitates. He already wants to see Chanwoo, but he doesn’t want them to meet with the state that he’s in. “Is it okay if we stay in your house first?” Donghyuk nods.

“Of course.” He says, not asking any more questions and starts driving.

He checks the both of them once in a while through the mirror. He sees Hanbin leaning his head on Jinhwan’s shoulder. He also notices his hand clutching Jinhwan’s hand tightly.

He wonders if there’s something going on between them. ‘Are they together?’ He couldn’t help but ask himself.

The whole ride was quiet but Donghyuk feels that Jinhwan’s a bit tensed. As they arrived at his house, Jinhwan gently wakes Hanbin up and leads him inside. He told Jinhwan where the bedroom was and he brings Hanbin there. He puts Hanbin to sleep and quietly gets out of the room after he made sure Hanbin’s sleeping.

He finds Donghyuk sitting in the living room. He sits near him and let out a sigh, waiting for Donghyuk’s questions.

“What happened?” Donghyuk asks. Genuinely worried.

Jinhwan lets out another sigh. “He doesn’t really want you to know but I think you deserve to know. I know you didn’t miss his restlessness, did you?”

Donghyuk nods. “I also noticed he’s shaking a bit.”

Jinhwan takes a deep breath and told Donghyuk what happened at the airport. He tried to be careful of his words so he wouldn’t shock Donghyuk. He felt like the same when he first told Junhoe about this. He sees how Donghyuk’s expression turned grim. He decides to tell him everything about Hanbin’s condition.

“Did Junhoe know about this?” Donghyuk asks after Jinhwan told him everything.

He nods. “Maybe Hanbin told him not to say anything, that’s why he didn’t tell you.”

Donghyuk sighs. “I think so too.”

“But can I ask for a favor, then? Please act normal towards Hanbin. Don’t tell him I told you about this.” He says as he stares intently at Donghyuk. He knows Hanbin would not like his friends to know about it, but Jinhwan can’t do this all on his own.

“Okay..” He just says.

They stayed quiet after that. Jinhwan figures he needs time to process everything he said. He understands because it’s also the same for him. He feels like he’s just learning about Hanbin’s condition over again every time there’s an attack. He knows he will never get used to it, even if he needs to.

“So..” Donghyuk says after a while. His mood already brightened up a bit. Jinhwan felt relieved. They just arrived and he feels bad for giving him a worry right after Hanbin just came back. He’s thankful Donghyuk understands.

“Tell me about you, hyung. Are you Hanbin-hyung’s boyfriend?”

Jinhwan snorts at the question. How he wishes that was true. “I’m so disappointed in you, Donghyuk.”

Donghyuk laughs. “Why? Hanbin-hyung isn't so bad.”

He smirks. “That’s true, but he’s not my type.”

‘Liar!’ His mind says. Well, Junhoe’s an exception, other than him no one needs to know.

“We live in the same apartment back in Limousin.” He states.

“Really?”

He nods. “Yes, for almost two years now, I believe. It’s a pity though, that we didn’t meet when you visited.”

“Oh! I just stayed there for a week, maybe that’s why.”

“Yeah. Hanbin told me about you, but I have work that time. I’m glad, though. That I finally met you here.” He smiles.

Donghyuk grins at him. “Yeah, me too. Anyway, is he sleeping?” He asks, referring to Hanbin.

“Yes. Just let him rest, he will feel a bit better when he wakes up.”

Donghyuk just hums in reply. Jinhwan takes a good look at Donghyuk. He’s got to admit, he’s good looking and has a bright smile. Jawline a bit sharp. His cheekbones make him look cute. Not the type of visual he’d really fall for but would gladly admire it every time he sees him.

“Are you glad he’s back?” He asks. Donghyuk looks at him and smiles.

“Yeah. I actually waited for this day to come. I can’t wait for the other guys to see him. I’ll introduce you to them, I’m sure you’ll like them.” Donghyuk beams at him.

He can’t help but let out a chuckle. “Oh really? Please don’t get my hopes up.”

Donghyuk laughs at him. “Hey! My friends are not so bad. Well, they’re sometimes annoying but will do.”

Jinhwan also laughs with him. He really hopes that this is a good idea. He wants the best for Hanbin, and this might be the first step to help him. He’ll be there anyway, beside him while he faces his problems. This is all he can offer him; support. He made a deal within himself that he’s going to stay beside Hanbin, no matter what. Even if he has to set his feelings aside.

****

He doesn’t know if he did anything wrong in his past life but Chanwoo’s thinking of every possibility, hoping to find an answer to his suffering. He’s been watching Junhoe for about half an hour now, fighting with his poor laptop that did nothing wrong. As far as he can remember he’s always been a good kid, so why does he have to witness this?

He didn’t come to Junhoe’s place just to watch him look like a fool. He knows Junhoe’s weird, but he didn’t expect he could get more weird.

“I swear, why isn’t he answering?” Junhoe rants at his laptop. Chanwoo has also been hearing the same line over and over.

“He’ll answer if he’s not busy. Seriously Junhoe, have some pity for your laptop. Goodness!” He shakes his head. He’s so close to believing that Junhoe has a loose screw somewhere in his head.

“No! Jeez. I told him that I will call during afternoon. I want to talk to Hanbin-hyung!” Junhoe whines, he tries to call again but Jinhwan’s not answering. Chanwoo can call him dramatic but this is a matter of his sanity. He lost hope when Jinhwan still doesn’t answer.

“You know, i’m really close to strangling you. You know that? What do you even want to talk to him about?”

Junhoe pouts. He doesn’t answer Chanwoo and decides to make one last call, hoping that Jinhwan answers this time.

“Oh please don’t pout, are you asking for a punch? Please mind answering me, Junhoe-yaaaaaaaa.” Chanwoo whines.

When Jinhwan still doesn’t answer the call, he slams his laptop shut and stood up. He makes his way to Chanwoo and plops himself beside.

“What is wrong with you? Do you really want to talk to my brother that much?” Chanwoo punches his arm. He punches him back.

“Yes! The last time I talked to him was two days ago! He was also not answering yesterday.” He rants. He also tried calling Jinhwan yesterday but he also didn’t answer.

‘Am I being too clingy?’ He thought, but then he remembers that he’s cute so it’s no problem.

Chanwoo squints his eyes at him. “Wait, do you talk everyday?”

“Yes, except yesterday and today.” He states.

“What do you even talk about?” Chanwoo asks, he’s already feeling suspicious about why Junhoe is acting like this.

“Just some random things.” He says awkwardly, it’s true though. Well, he doesn’t want to admit that he reports his everyday life to Hanbin. Not that Hanbin asked him for it, he just really wants to talk to Hanbin.

Chanwoo suddenly punches his arms again which made him shout.

“What was that for?!”

“Be honest with me, Junhoe. Do you have a crush on my brother?” He asks accusingly, stare piercing Junhoe.

Junhoe snorts, not expecting the question. “Mind you, it’s not a crush. I’m too cool for crushes, my goodness.”

Chanwoo just narrows his eyes on him. He lets out an awkward laugh. “Okay, fine! Will you stop scaring me. Jeez. I like your brother, okay?”

“Ah! Junhoe!” Chanwoo rants. Junhoe quickly drapes his arm on Chanwoo’s shoulder.

“Okay, please hear me out first! I know what you want to say. I completely understand. I just, I really like your brother.”  He says a little bit too fast making Chanwoo want to hit him again.

Chanwoo sighs before elbowing Junhoe’s stomach, giving him a pointed look. “I’m warning you, Junhoe..”

Junhoe nods. “I know. If you’re scared of me, hurting your brother, then I can promise you that won’t happen. I won’t hurt your brother.”

Chanwoo stares at him intently before letting out a heavy sigh, nodding his head. “I’m serious! I’ll be watching you, Koo Junhoe.”

Junhoe grimaces. “Okay. Now please stop being scary.”

“Seriously! I’m not joking, I swear if you hurt my brother. I don’t know what I can do.” He warns. Junhoe shivers at the look Chanwoo gave him.

“I know, I know. I’ll be true to my words, I promise you.”

Chanwoo sighs. “Take care of your own heart too.”

Junhoe smiles, touched at the concern. He won’t probably say it out loud, but he’s prepared on whatever’s coming his way. No matter how tiring and painful it could possibly be.

“Now you’re being cheesy. Let’s just play, okay?” He just says.

“Well, finally! About time!” Chanwoo grunts, still giving Junhoe a sharp look before turning the playstation on.

Junhoe contains himself and decided to behave well in front of Chanwoo. He knows it’s lame, but Chanwoo’s scarier than their parents, so that’s why he’s more cautious of him.

He meant it though, that he won’t hurt Hanbin. But being this whipped for Hanbin scares him just as how Chanwoo scares him, is he still normal? He hopes so.

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Okay, this took long. Almost 2 weeks, I guess? I sincerely apologize. I was caught up with the second chapter of the other story and is still stuck.

Anyway, how did you like this chapter? Please let me know what you think. Everything is going to get hard before it gets better, right? Junbin's time will come. I promise.

I hope you liked this update. Thank you so much for reading!