Like an array of sunshine, like any other days, memories of Daniel pierce through my darkened world.

The sound of his laughter.

“Wow, I’m impressed. You told me a man shouldn’t be scared of bugs. But why do you run away after literally throwing those fries into the oil? Is this normal for a girl?”

His confused look.

“Did Rooney just ignore me and go straight to you?!”

The way he mischievously ran around like a five years old.

“Oh my god! Ddeokbokki! Fooooood! Ahjummaaaaaaaaaa, give me the usual set!”

The times when he walked away because he was upset at me.

“I told you to wait for me until I finish my dancing practice. Why won’t you ever listen to me and keep walking home alone late at night? You know how much I hate it.”

One by one, all of him, they float around in my mind, making my heart ache.

Those times are the times that won’t come back to me.

He already has someone new by his side. Someone which is better than me.

Pathetically, I smile as I force myself to accept that I’m the loser. I have lost. A year ago and a year after, I still do.

But I finally have a reason to forget him. If he had chosen to move on, why couldn’t I do the same? Haven’t I suffered enough for my mistake? Isn’t it time for me to be happy too?

I swallow the tear that is threatening to come out. It hurts. He is still living within me but I have to pretend that he doesn’t. I have to tell myself that the cloud is green and the tree is blue. I am already an idiot and I still have to be more idiotic to be less hurt.

Maybe someday, he will disappear from my life. Just like how I am no longer in his life. Maybe I just have to endure it a little bit more.

The sound of my name being called and a few knocks on the door startle me.

I get up from the bed to rush to the mirror and check myself for any trace of tears. After confirming that I look ordinary, I quickly yell, “Come in.”

Jaehwan comes into the room with his hand in his pocket. He gives me a small smile as he steals a glance at the two luggage of different sizes by the corner. “Are you done with packing?”

My eyes fall upon them. I blink emptily. It is a big decision of mine to move away. I am still full of fear, in case I would regret my decision again. I know that I am never a good risk taker.

It takes me a two long minutes to reply him by humming a yes.

“Mom is excited to meet me. She keeps talking about going to the hot spring with me. That makes me wonder if I should really go or not. What if she dragged me there every week?” The atmosphere is quite unusual and odd that I feel the need to crack a joke.

Jaehwan chuckles.

“Then don’t go. Stay here.”

I laugh for 0.03 second before I stop abruptly as I get to realize the meaning behind his reply. Smiling faintly, I look away so he couldn’t read through me and catch even a glimpse of hesitation that I try hard to hide.

“Silly. You know I have to. I have promised Jonghyun to replace him at the new branch because he is getting married and shouldn’t be working in another country, away from his bride. The couple have went through a lot. I should do this much as a friend. Their kind of wedding gift, I might say? Besides, mom is always at Japan for business. I could meet her more often then.”

“Are you that proud to be a heroine to others but not to yourself?” Daehwi shows up at the door with a narrowed pair of eyebrows and pouted lips.

“Baby, look…” I sigh. I am really running out of lies.

Folding arms, Daehwi looks at the luggage and then turns at me with a glare. He seems to hint me that he is about to rip my passport book apart anytime soon so I couldn’t board the flight tomorrow evening.

“I hate you, noona.”

The sight of him storming off makes me feel more miserable. I thought it is for the best. Being transferred to Japan with a better position and restart anew. But why do others don’t seem to agree with me?

Jaehwan squeezes my shoulder and I look up to him with a frown. I am hoping that he would say something to side with me. So my uneasy heart will calm down a little.

“It is funny how others can see through you but you, yourself couldn’t embrace what it is.” He heaves a knowing sigh. “Funny… but at the same time, sad too.”

I could hear a soft cry deep within me. Always, I do. I sympathize with the loads of pain that it is suffering from. That everything is dead and sorrowful inside. My poor heart.

I feel sorry for myself but I just have to do what I have to do. I would just have to turn a blind eye and deaf to my own pain. Close all doors of access so less pain could reach me. I would be the barrier to my own pain.

“You and your dramatic lines.” I push Jaehwan away and walk to the mirror again. “Get out. I need to look pretty to meet Minhyun tonight. This princess is about to meet her prince.”

“Is about to.” Jaehwan scowls. He is a step outside the door when he turns around to say, “By the way, don’t go around calling yourself a princess. You’re too ugly for a princess. My toilet mat looks prettier than you.”

He laughs aloud like a lunatic and dodges when I throw a pillow his way. Though his teasing is annoying but I couldn’t restrain my lips from growing to a wide smile. I watch his back disappear into a corner. The reliable back that used to piggy back me when we were both kids as we walked home together from school. It is still the same back that I rely whenever I'm having a hard time.

I’m thankful for those who by my side.

They always accept me for who I am though I couldn’t accept myself yet.

I will repay them back by being someone stronger and happier.

One day, I will.

Only the clinking sound of food utensils fills in the atmosphere. Minhyun is into his food and I respect his ethic at dining table so I, too, stay silent.

“So is this how we end?”

Suddenly, Minhyun speaks up. Which I wish he never does. His question is quite a blow that I’m totally speechless.    

“A dinner before the girl leaves the country for how long, no one knows. Though Japan is not really that far but still… the fact you’re going away…” Minhyun dips the napkin onto the corners of his lips as his eyes slowly meet mine. “Isn’t this a break-up dinner?”

I put down my utensils and lower my gaze. Guilt is weighing me down again. Minhyun somehow breaks into chuckles. And they still sound lovely as always.

“You’re really a kind girl, Jihye. Do you know that?”

At his unbelievable statement, I sharply look up to him. “No, I’m not.”

He searches through my eyes as I seek for the truth through his. After a while, his lips curve into a smile.

“Well, I do agree that you’re bad. You’re bad for not choosing me over the guy you once loved. You’re bad for making me alone in love.” With a bitter grin, he looks down to the table as his eyes are recalling the history we have together. “But you still couldn’t tell me to stop getting in your way. You’re too kind that you keep letting me in though in the end, all you get is pain and regrets.”

My eyes start to waver. Why does everyone seem to know a lot about me?

“H-how do you know? About the guy… who told you?”

“How couldn’t I notice? You’re the only one I could see. The streets you try to avoid, the menus you forbid yourself from eating and your silent tears during a happy scene of a movie. From little to big changes in your expression, I’ve seen them all. I’ve known each of them.”

Our eyes are locked again. This time, mine is brimmed with tears.

“Minhyun… I…. I am… sorry…” I bury my face in my hands as my body shakes from sobbing. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I feel so ashamed of myself. For being the selfish one from the start till the end.

“Look at you. People will start whispering and say I’m a bad guy for making you cry. Don’t cry, Jihye.” I hear his chair being pulled backward and his footsteps that are getting closer. Something pokes me that I look over my hand to see Minhyun kneeling on the floor. On his hand is a handkerchief as he has an assuring smile on.  

“You know what, I will let you go, Jihye. But under two conditions.”

“What are they?”

“Firstly, let me stay in your life as a good friend. I don’t want to lose an important person like you.”

That is expected from him. I don’t plan on discarding him away from my life though. I need him around to remind me that the world is still a beautiful place. As he is the only gentleman among the wolves I’ve ever known.

I wipe my tears as I nod. “The other one?”

“Promise me… you would never cry alone anymore. You are allowed to cry only when there is someone else with you. Be it me or anyone… as long there is someone with you. I have to make sure someone is there to wipe your tears. To make sure you won't get weaker than you're already are.”

I cry harder at his words. How could he stay the good one from start till the end?

“I hate you.” I manage to hit him on the chest between my sobs.

“Trust me, you don’t.” He erupts into laughter as he ruffles my hair. “Aigoo, your makeup is running. What do we do with you, Jihye?”

a/n : Hi I am sorry that I am back after so long. I had to settle my individual school project and caught up with exams during the time I was gone. I hope you guys enjoy this update. I will try to update at a faster rate. Once again, I'm really sorry. <3 btw, r.i.p to Kim Jonghyun SHINee :( the first kpop group I've ever stan. I still couldn't believe the news, up till now. It is quite a shock T.T