The busy streets are loud with honks and roaring engines. Tall buildings are everywhere on sight, yet couldn’t block the sun from me. I fan myself from the wrath of the summer. Wearing sneakers is a wrong decision of mine. I thought it would be nice to stand before Minhyun in my most comfortable attire. Well, at least.

I see the bus coming and join in the line. My phone rings and I knowingly smile. It must be Minhyun.

But it is not.

“Yes?”

Three more persons and I will get into the bus.

“Noona…”

A deep voice stops me in my track. I retreat my phone to read the name on screen again.

“Who is this? Where’s Daehwi?” It is my brother’s number but someone else is speaking. Something feels out of place so I break away from the line and go to the side.

“I’m Woojin.”

It feels like there is a swing of a bat in the back of my head. I can’t think, let alone talk. It is my ex’s cousin. How could I forget? Daehwi, Woojin, he and a few others were in a dance club together. The last time I was in contact with the rest was months ago. We couldn’t stay close to each other anymore because of the break-up.

“Noona…” He fills in the silence, with a scarier vibe than the silence itself. “Daehwi is with me. But he can’t talk right now. Can you come over here? We need you.”

I swear I have forgotten how to breathe.

“Why? What happened?”

I pray hard for him to say not a single thing about Daniel. Anyone else, yes, but not him.

“It’s…” His voice cracks and my eyes start to lose focus. I hear his loud sigh as he takes a deep breath. I really don’t like where this is going.

“Tell me, Woojin. What is it?”

“Seongwoo hyung…. a car accident...” He stutters.

“Seongwoo hyung is gone….”

I don’t know what to feel. Should I be happy that Daniel is okay? Or should I wail that his best friend which is my close friend is dead?

I don’t know. I just find myself running. As my tears silently trail along.

“Where are you guys now?”

I was never this fast. Not even during sports day. The speed is even hard to believe myself. I manage to reach the hospital around 15 minutes after the call.

“This must be a prank.” I keep repeating it again and again. Like a chant.

Daehwi runs to me and hugs me tight the moment the boys notice my presence in front of the morgue.

I fight against myself to speak up. My voice is somehow lost.

“Tell me…” I bit my bottom lips so I can continue. “This is not true, right?”

Others hang their heads low as if they had committed a homicidal crime. Frustrated, I turn to Daehwi in my embrace. He looks up with puffy eyes and nods slowly. I don’t know what to say next. Or what to do.

The shock is too much.

I make my way to see Seongwoo for the last time. His face which is stone cold with no smiles is such a foreign sight to me.  

His smile was my second most favorite in the world. I decide to remember him that way.

A smiling clown.

He was known as the mood-maker of the group. The king of jokes and pranks. Sometimes, he could be too annoying to handle. I remember Daniel spilling out that the first confession I got from him through a text was Seongwoo’s doing. The older boy was too fed up with Daniel being shy to express his feelings. He often went around saying Daniel and I wouldn’t have worked out without him. And he would always ask for something from us, every single time, for compensation. I spent my allowance mostly on him and his food obsession.

Woojin pats my shoulder and I turn to see him casting a restrained smile.

It’s time to let go.

“Rest well, our handsome Seongwoo. There won’t be any other like you.” I close my eyes for a short prayer before leaving the room.

Amidst my mixed feelings, my eyes search for Daniel. My shoulders drop when I come to notice he is still not in the room.

Jisung and Sungwoon have just arrived and we look away from each other after three seconds our eyes met. We are all trying to hold in the tears together as we are looking elsewhere. I never expect we would meet this way after a long time.

“Noona.” A voice calls out. “Here.”

I glance behind to see Jihoon and Jinyoung at the corner. They are much younger but seem the strongest there. They don’t allow tears to stain their reputation as the manliest of the manly boys.

I join them for a little talk. Just to get an ounce of share of strength from them.

Now that we are this close to each other, I couldn’t find the right words to say. We used to be so comfortable together, but all it takes is a year for the awkwardness to resurface.

“That way.”

Jihoon stretches his arm straight to our left and I knit my eyebrows in confusion.

“Daniel hyung.” Jinyoung spells out the answer. “He went that way earlier.”

“Oh…” The information is too overwhelming to the system in my mind. The mention of his name is causing ruckus in my heart. It makes me unable to think as my eyes unknowingly gaze where he has left.

“Aren’t you going to him?” Jihoon is just being him, spitting out his thoughts directly.

I panic at his words. I don’t think I am ready to see him yet. “I guess he needs a time of his own.”

I lie. I do want to see him. I am dying to see him. Even just a glimpse. How is he coping? Is he doing okay?

I just don’t want to make it obvious. That I still care for him a lot.

Jinyoung grabs my shoulders and pushes me forward. “Then, just look after him from afar. For us. As he has it the worst. Go.”

With that, like I am enchanted under a spell, I take the same path Daniel took. So I could finally see him. After so long.