“Your mother wants to know if I’ve noticed anything different about you lately,” says Sana from across the living room.

I’m watching the first Mission: Impossible movie with Tom Cruise. He plays a superspy, Ethan Hunt, who leads a double, sometimes triple, and sometimes quadruple life. It’s toward the end and Ethan had just unmasked himself, literally, to catch the bad guys.

Sana repeats herself with a heavy sighs, louder this time.

“And did you?” she ask again, pausing the movie just as Ethan is pulling off his incredibly realistic face mask to reveal his true face. I tilt my head to one side for a better perspective.

Sana grabs the remote from my hand and hits pause. She tosses the remote into the corner of the couch angrily. No, frustratingly.

“What’s wrong Sana ssi?” I ask, feeling guilty for ignoring her.

“It’s about you. And that girl.”

“What do you mean?” I furrow my eyes, pretend to not to understand the question.

She sighs and sit beside me. “I knew it was a mistake letting you two see each other."

She has my full attention now.

“Did mom said something to you?” I asks Sana, nervously.

“Did you cancelled a movie night with her?”

I sigh. It's true that I've been ignoring mom these quit few days. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. She looked so hurt and disappointed, but I didn’t want to wait until after nine to IM with Chaeyoung. And that's the only time that Mom would be free from work.

But, I just can’t get enough of talking to Chaeyoung. I’m overflowing with her words. I’ll never come to the end of all the things I want to say toward her.

“And she says you’re distracted all the time. And you ordered a lot of clothes. And shoes. And she almost beat you at some game because you're always win.”

Oh... damn..

“Is she suspecting something?”

My forehead started to sweat, my hands feel cold suddenly.

“That’s all you’re worrying about? Listen to what I’m telling you Mina. Your mother is missing you. She’s lonely without you. You should’ve seen her face when she was asking about you at me.” Sana says.

Sana knows exactly how Mina feels. She was young too. But she can't help but feel pity to her friend Jihyo, for being lonely all the time except for working. For Sana, it's okay for Mina to be friend to Chaeyoung, but she shouldn't abandon her mom too.

“I just—”

Dang, I'm losing for words. I know it's my fault.

“No,” she says, holding a hand up. “You can’t see Chaeyoung anymore.” She picks up the discarded remote and clutches it in her hands, looking anywhere but at me. I know she don't wanna hurt me, I know she's just want the best for me and my mom.

Panic sends my heartbeat racing.

“Sana, please. Please don’t take her away from me.” I almost sounds like begging.

“She’s not yours Mina!” Sana yelled a bit, make me froze. And my mind processing something and I realized, Chaeyoung aren't mine.

“I know Sana—”

“No, you don’t know. She’s not yours Mina. Maybe she has time for you right now, but she’s going to go back to school soon. she’s going to meet some girl, and she’s going to be with them.  You just don't know how social world working. You understand me Mina-ya?” That squirrel words really hits me hard.

I know she’s just trying to protect me, just as I was trying to protect myself a few short weeks ago, but her words make me aware that the heartbeats in my chest is a muscle like any other. It can be hurt.

“Okay Sana. I understand,” I say quietly, my head went down automatically, feels weak.

She's not mine, Chaeyoung aren't mine.

“Spend some time with your mother. People come and go Mina-ya, but mothers can't be replaced.” Sana says while caressing my head, trying to comfort me.

“All right.” She hands me back the remote. Together we watch the unmoving screen.

She pushes down on the tops of her knees with both hands and rises.

“Did you mean it?” I ask her when she’s halfway across the room.

“Mean what?” She turned her head, looking at me.

“You said that love couldn’t kill me.”

“Yes, but it might kill your mother Mina.” She manages a small smile.

I hold my breath, waiting.

“OK, fine. You are my weakness Mina-ya. You can still see her, but you have to get some sense into you. You understand?”

I nod in agreement and turn the television off. Ethan Hunt vanishes.

I spend the rest of the day in the sunroom away from Sana. I’m not angry at Sana, but I’m just pissed off. All of my doubts about keeping Chaeyoung a secret from my mom had been vanished. I can’t believe that the-only-once cancelled date with mom almost led me to not being able to see Chaeyoung again.

Before, I was worried about keeping secrets from her. Now, I’m worried about not being able to have any secrets at all. I know she’s not that upset that I bought new clothes. She’s upset that I didn’t ask her opinion and bought them in colors that she didn’t expect. She’s upset with the change she didn’t see coming. I resent and understand it at the same time. She’s had to control so many things to keep me safe in my bubble.

And she’s not wrong. I have been distracted when I’m with her, my mind constantly tuning into Radio Chaeyoung. I know she’s not wrong. But still I resent it. Isn’t growing apart is a part of growing up? Didn’t I even get to experience a bit of this normalcy?

Even so, I feel guilty. She’s devoted her entire life to