Released, PART ONE

RESURRECTED

The heat on my eyes and face surface, and it feels heavy to open my eyelids. It feels like being glued, also my head feels like I'm carrying tons of stones. I'm trying hard to wake up, as I see the sunlight from the clear windows shining brightly.

I look around, the white walls, the airlock, the windows, all looks familiar. Am I home? But, I was with Chaeyoung in Hawaii.

I still can feel the touches of her skin onto mine, I still can feel the warm of her lips onto mine, but here I am all alone. Was it's just a dream? Hell no, it felt so real.

I am still paralyzed by the sudden awake. It feels like I'm waking up from the death. It feels strange that I don’t remember much, just a jumbled mix of images. I heard the ambulance. I remembered the feels being stabbed in the leg once. And then twice. Adrenaline shots to restart my heart. Sirens wailing from far away, and then much too close.

A TV flickering blue and white high in a corner of the room. Machines beeping and blinking all day and all night keeping vigil. Women and men in white uniforms. Stethoscopes and needles and antiseptics. It's all blurry in my sights, but that's the only moments that I remembered.

Seriously, how many days that I fell asleep? How long has it been since I'm dreaming? I really went to the world outside?

Then that smell of jet fuel, that smell that welcomed me before, and leis and the scratchy blanket wrapped twice around me, and why does the window seat matter when the shades are drawn closed?

I remember my mother’s face and how her tears could make a sea. I remember how panic she was, and I remember how desperate she was, asking the doctor and nurses to save my life. And I remember how I'm fighting for my life, to continue alive.

It was foggy, but I saw Chaeyoung’s blue brown gone black. I've closed mine against the sorrow and relief and love I saw there. I saw mom saying some things that uncleared, which Chaeyoung head dropped down and the misery of her expressions makes my heart sunk.

I saw her back walking out from the moments, leaving a shadow of her existence and she's slowly gone..

And now I'm home. I’m on my bed. And I’ll remain trapped there forever, and never get to get out again.

I’m alive. But after all of this, I don’t want to be.

It's the time to face the reality again.

Why am I even alive from the first place?

READMITTED

My mom has transformed my bedroom into a hospital ward. I’m propped up by pillows in my bed and attached to an IV. I’m surrounded by monitoring equipment. I eat nothing but Jell-O. Seems like my throat can't receive any foods except than that.

Each time I'm awake, she’s always being by my side, with concerned and worried face but still trying to smile. She touches my forehead and speaks to me, murmuring things but sometimes when I'm trying to focus, or to understand what she’s saying, the sound is just out of my reach. Am I REALLY this sick?

My head is spinning around so I just closed my eyes for a moment.

I wake up again, I don't know how long that I've slept. Maybe in hours? or for few days? Later to find Mom standing over my side, frowning at her clipboard. I close my eyes and take inventory of my body. Nothing hurts or, more accurately, nothing hurts too badly. I'm checking on my head, my throat, my legs. They’re all fine. I open my eyes again to find her about to put me back to sleep.

“No Mom!” I sit up much too quickly. I’m dizzy and nauseous at once. I mean to say I’m OK, but no sound comes out.

I clear my throat and try again.

“Please Mom, don’t make me sleep anymore.” I at least need to be awake if I’m going to be alive.

"Okay honey I'm sorry, I'm sorry", she says as she's pulling my body into a hug and kiss my forehead.

“Mom.. Am I OK?” I ask.

“Yes honey you’re OK. You’re going to be OK,” she says. Her voice trembles until it breaks. I know, she loves me too much, but sometimes she need to let me do what I want.

I pull myself to seat and look at her. Her skin is pale, almost translucent, and it’s stretched too tight across her face. A painful-looking blue vein stretches down from her hairline to her eyelid. I can see other blue veins just under the skin of her forearms and wrists. She has the frightened, disbelieving eyes of someone who witnessed something horrible and is waiting for more horrors to come.

“How could you do this to yourself honey? You know that you could’ve died from that,” she whispers.

She steps closer, hugs a clipboard to her chest. “How could you do this to me? After everything?”

I want to say something. I open my mouth to say it, but nothing comes out. My throats get dry, ad my voice got blocked.

My guilt is an ocean for me to drown in.

Is it too much to realize? Is it a waste that I had spent the time with Chaeyoung? With the outside world? Am I regretting?

I remain in bed after she leaves. I don’t get up to stretch my body. I turn my face awa