With time, Hakyeon has learned to live with this unrequited love. He even thought he was doing pretty well until this moment… They knew each other since they were toddlers, grew together through primary school and high school, became roommates in college and did their year abroad together. They even entered military service on the same day. Nowadays, even working in different professional fields, they are pretty much always together…

         He doesn’t remember when his feelings started to shift from friendship to something more. Maybe nothing shifted and they were there from the beginning, from the first toothless smile exchanged… However, it was only in high school that he realised what they really meant, at the same time he realised he wasn’t really attracted to women… Unlike Taekwoon… And it hurt to know his crush would never love him back. But after a few years, the pain lessened. He grew accustomed to it, and when the wound would reopen from time to time, he was mostly happy with their relationship just as it was. Because after all, he was the only one who remained at Taekwoon’s side, when the others never stayed long.

         It isn’t love, but it isn’t just friendship either and to some extent, he knows he is as precious to Taekwoon as Taekwoon is to him. There was this one time, when one of those girls, jealous of their unique relationship, had asked Taekwoon to choose. She’d barged in on them at a coffee shop and demanded to know who Taekwoon’s priority was. To Hakyeon’s utmost surprise, Taekwoon had chosen him. She hadn’t expected it either, but the reply came in a heartbeat, without a second of hesitation:

         “He’s my best friend. He was and will always be there. If you can’t deal with that, there’s nothing I can do”. Spiteful, she then dropped the bomb:

         “So why don’t you date him already? It’s all he’s waiting for! Don’t you see it?” But no, Taekwoon didn’t as his answer showed at once.

         “This is silly. Just because he’s gay? I’m sorry it didn’t work between us but don’t blame it on him. This is ridiculous.”

         After she left, Taekwoon apologised profusely for the scene, embarrassed that she accused his best friend of loving him, just because of his homouality. Hakyeon laughed it off, even when he was dying inside, having received the answer of the question he never dared to ask. Taekwoon would never see anything but a friend in him. He counted this moment as his happiest and saddest memory, knowing they will always be friends but that his true feelings would never be returned…

         However he was wrong. The saddest memories were still to come… When he thought he had given up and settled for the next best, enjoying their unique friendship, he hadn’t suspect he still had the tiniest bit of hope, very small and well hidden but definitely there. Standing in the middle of the jewellery store, he experiences this last bit of hope being crushed and his heart being torn apart. It dawns on him that he won’t be the last one anymore, that there will be another one forever by Taekwoon’s side.

         “What do you think? Rose gold maybe? That would suit her…” Hakyeon is not sure what he replies. He apparently has switched on some automatic mode: everything is fading into a blur and he feels like he is absent from himself, observing from outside as he slowly becomes an empty shell. But he’s still answering, pointing at some rings, joking, smiling again and again until his jaw hurts, tightening his fists in the pocket of his trench coat in the vain hope that the sharp pain of the nails digging inside his palms will lessen the devastating pain he feels inside his crushed heart.

         He doesn’t know how he came back to his apartment. He is not thinking yet. He forbids himself to do so. There are dishes to be done, some laundry, his bed’s sheets to change, tons of dress shirts to iron… Denial seems to be indeed the first step of grief. He even denies how hurt he is. It was to be expected after all. He had years to prepare himself to this eventuality. And they are still friends. He will always be there in the end, as the best friend, the one and only one. No one else can have this place in Taekwoon’s life, right?

         He doesn’t know how many hours passed. He cooked a month’s worth of meals and ate in front of the last episode of Running Man. He even laughed during the show. Under the flow of the shower, he starts thinking about the things he will have to do soon. Like the congratulatory speech as the best man. He can imagine all too well the disapprobation of Taekwoon’s parents. They don’t like him that much, or rather not since they learned about his “preferences”… But Taekwoon didn’t want to change his mind: “You’re my best friend. There is no one else I want by my side on this day.” Liar.

         Hakyeon is preparing for bed when he hears the too familiar ringtone. One message. ‘She said yes’ and a smiley. The biggest smiley with the biggest grin a smiley could ever have. The most stupid smiley from someone who never uses any. He can’t detach his eyes from it, staring at the grinning face for the longest time, until he can’t see it anymore. Now he is crying, hard, ugly sobs that won’t stop. There is no hope anymore. How is he supposed to live now?