Chapter 1:

It comes in waves. Big waves. Tidal waves. Breaking waves. It crashes and runs its course; breaking and unbreaking him. Kyungsoo isn't sure what it means when things like this happen because he is supposed to know already. Kyung-soo always has an answer. An answer to anything and almost everything, yet he can't explain these feelings. Where does it even come from? Why is it only ever him?

-

It comes in waves and runs its course, but in that moment when it seems to overwhelm him and swallow him whole; it never seems to go away away. It starts like this, Kyungsoo feels a kick of aderline and thinks, it's finall going away. But then his heart races and his palms become sweaty, his eyes blur, his breathing kicks and starts like an old beat up car, and he thinks, oh no.

-

It comes in waves and it comes sudddenly like a surprise hurricane. His sitting with his friends, watching something on the TV in Chanyeol and his shared dorm room. Chanyeol says something and Baekhyun does something even more stupid and their all suddenly laughing and he laughs too, but he stops suddenly, slowly, engery draining as if something's it right out of him. Jongin turns to him with a bright smile-because of course he would be the first to notice- that instantly wavers when he lays eyes on him and he thinks, oh no. He smiles back and Jongin smile brightens and then their laughing again and he feels something break and he thinks again, oh no.

-

It comes in waves; turbulent and unforgiving. He's straining against himself as he tries not to punch a hole in the wall right next to Junmyeon's head. Junmyeon means well but today isn't really the day.

"You have to start getting more invloved," he says.

"You have to break out of that shell," he says.

"You can talk to me." he says, laying a soothing hand on Kyungsoo's knee as he smiles sypathetically and understandingly at him as if he gets it, as if he understands.

He doesn't get it, he'll never get it, he doesn't actually care, he's just trying to save his own and you're just to blind to see it, you're-

Shut up!

He clinches his hands to his knees and smiles and nods as the words he wants to say slide between his teeth but still manage to stay in his mouth, despite how bitter and vile they taste.

I hate you, he thinks as Junmyeon leaves and tears run down his face at night as he thinks about how none of that is true and it will never be true. please don't be true.

-

It comes in soft waves; neither slowly nor peaceful but lonely and cold. He feels empty inside; hollowed out like the hallow chocolate bunnies the stores sell on easter. He tries to eat a full chocolate to make him feel diffrent but all he feels is disgust and the calories building up in the fatty cells of his stomach; holding themselves hostage so they can drive him crazy. But today he's not worried. He just sits in his room without a worry, without a feeling and stares blankly at his bedroom wall. He has no classes to get to and no homework to catch up on. Nothing to take his mind of his miserable reality.

He's lucky today because there's no one else in the dorm except him and a few of Chanyeol's friends. He isn't sure which ones because Chanyeol has many, and most like to stay out of his way. Out of sight, out of mind. He heard the front door close a few times before somone yelled they were leaving.

There's a knock on the door, the only thing ringing in the empty silence. He doesn't even jump.

"Hyung?"

It's Jongin. A shared friend of him and Chanyeol, but mostly belonging to Chanyeol.

"Come in," he croaks out and tries to move and look like he was doing something.

The door opens and closes and he has his drawer open with a few shirts in his hands.

"Oh, were you busy I'll come back later-"

"No, it's fine."

He stuffs the clothes back into his draw and turns around to look at the intruder on his quiet evening alone. Jongin looks nervous, he notes. His hand is scratching behind his neck and his eyes dart to anywhere but his face. 

"What do you want." He's trying to be gentle, but gentle isn't coming easy to him at the moment, so he's not surpirsed when his voice is colored with disintrest. 

"Um," Jong-in says furrowing his brows like he's contimplating something or angry. Kyung-soo is not a mindreader and he wants to say that, snap it at Jongin like he does sometimes when he doesn't have the patientce, but today everything is moving so slow and he doesn't really care, so he waits.

"I was wondering if you wanted to do something today, um, with me?" 

Jongin looks uncomfortable and nervous which makes sense seeing as himand Jogin don't really do much together. Chanyeol is way to obssesed when he shouldn't be and Jongin just goes along with it. 

"Why," Kyungsoo asks and Jongin looks confused. He shouldn't be though because it's a good question to ask considering that most of the time Kyungsoo sees Jongin is with the rest of the usal suspects (Junmyeon, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Sehun, etc).

"Because." Jongin says and that's all he says. His eyes glitter with a challenge that dares Kyungsoo to make him say anything further.

"Right," Kyungsoo says instead and begins to go back to fake-folding his clothes, signaling he wants nothing more to do with this conversation if somebody just want to act like a brat.

Jongin spultters and Kyungsoo stays folding.

"I was bored and everyone else is busy," Jongin says sounding petulant and annoyed, and, really, did it have to be Kyungsoo?

"Sure," Kyungsoo says and there's a silence that leaves him to conclude that Jongin somehow left very quetly without a sound, until he tunrs around and sees his conclusion not to be true. Jongin looks shooked, wide eyes and mouth opened in a small 'o'.

"What did you have in mind?"