Kyungsoo was crying, her red face buried into her pillow and her fists tightly bunched up into her sheets. She wasn’t a loud crier but she couldn’t help the sniffles that got let out and the occasional choked hiccup that would come from her irregular breathing. Her entire body felt hot and she could sense the beginnings of a headache coming too. That was the first time in her entire life that she had blown up like that. She had never yelled or gotten that angry with anyone before not even Seungsoo or her parents. Usually even if she were very upset she would hold it in, not wanting to create a scene and draw attention to herself. Of course it would be Jongin she ended up exploding at though.

The moment she had closed her bedroom door she regretted saying all those mean things to him. Jongin had been insensitive and a complete dickhead at the moment but saying he didn’t care about her at all was a complete stretch because he did care. He had been the one to stay behind and help her with troubling choreography late at night. When there was a move she wasn’t comfortable doing on stage he always backed her up and made sure it got taken out of the dance. Jongin had been her human blanket for ages, allowing her to sleep on him or giving her his jackets when it got colder than she could handle. He always let her pick out the movie to watch or food to eat because she was the pickier one. And right now it was hard to believe but Jongin once used to be the person she would turn to first if she were worried about something. He had always said the right things to restore her confidence and he made her feel good about herself and her talents. If she heard a funny joke she would tell him first. If she needed a hug she would go to him in a heartbeat. Jongin had made her feel safe and comfortable and he did care. Kyungsoo was sad that they had grown apart to this point and she knew that she had fault in it. She was the one who pushed him away first because she couldn’t control her non-platonic feelings for him.

 The door opened and she buried her head deeper in her pillow, hoping it would swallow her up somehow.

“Go away,” she moaned at whoever came to check on her. Kyungsoo hated looking weak and vulnerable and really she just wanted some alone time. Alone time was hard to find in a group of nine though. There was a dip on her bed and dainty hands running through her hair and Kyungsoo knew that it was Minseok.

“You know he doesn’t mean it,” Minseok told her, voice soft and soothing. The older girl reminded Kyungsoo so much of a mother and she found it amazing how resilient she was. Minseok had gone through body image issues and a damning breakup but she was still here and kind as ever.

“Jongin is just being dumb right now. He isn’t thinking straight but he’ll wake up soon enough,” Minseok said.

“He’s an idiot,” Kyungsoo choked out into her pillow. He was an idiot and she was jealous. A perfect recipe for heartbreak.

Minseok hummed in agreement. “All boys are idiots.”

“Is he okay?” Kyungsoo found herself asking, worried about how Jongin had taken her reaction. She knew that he didn’t do the best under negative tension either.

“I heard him leaving before I came in here,” Minseok said. “I don’t know if anyone went after him or if Joonmyun called a manager.”

“He won’t do anything,” Kyungsoo said. Jongin may have been an idiot but he wasn’t stupid or reckless. She would kick his herself if he got into serious trouble.

“You need anything?” Minseok asked, still her hair. It was comforting and Kyungsoo could feel her headache receding as her tears dried. She shook her head. Nothing would really make her feel better, except if Jongin came barreling in with an apology and warm hugs. That didn’t look like it was happening any time soon though.

She didn’t know when she fell asleep but she woke up to Sehun crawling into her bed. Like second nature she made room for him before curling up on her side into his chest. Sehun was definitely like a baby brother to her. She had watched him grow up from a tiny middle schooler into a tall handsome man but to her she would always be the little boy that used to share treats with her after practice. They had always gotten along really well and he was someone that she cherished so much.

“Are you okay?” Sehun asked her, voice sleepy. She glanced at the alarm clock and noticed it was three in the morning. Kyungsoo nodded and he hummed, signaling that he felt her response.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him. It was rare that he came searching for comfort like this, typically finding it in Joonmyun or one of the boys.

“Just been doing a lot of thinking,” he told her. Sehun looked like a cold, heartless playboy but anyone who had just one conversation with him knew that he was very thoughtful and wise. Kyungsoo admired that he was so eloquent with his words, just like Joonmyun. She still stumbled over scripted speeches sometimes.

“Jongin’s getting chewed out by two managers too,” Sehun added, “Things over there don’t feel right so I came over here. Chanyeol is in Joonmyun and Baekhyun’s room and Jongdae and Minseok are in the living room.”

“What happened?” Kyungsoo asked him, worried about Jongin. To get yelled at by one manager was rough but getting two was an absolute nightmare.

“He left and Joonmyun decided to let him blow some steam. He wasn’t back by two though so she finally called someone and they tracked him down. He was just driving around town, going nowhere basically. They brought him back, Baekhyun let it slip what happened and now he’s in trouble,” Sehun answered.

“Big trouble?” Kyungsoo worried. She never wanted Jongin to be in major trouble, just to realize that she was hurting too.

“I don’t know,” Sehun shook his head. “He probably has curfew for a while, straight to schedules and straight back home. The managers have a soft spot for you and scheduling your tap practices around everything else must have been a pain.”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, sad that everyone else had gotten roped into her mess with Jongin.

“You weren’t the one at fault here,” Sehun said. “I don’t know what was going through his mind when he asked you that but it was really uncalled for.”

“Sehun,” Kyungsoo called his name all of a sudden.

“Yes?” he answered.

“Things have changed haven’t they?” she asked quietly.

“They have,” Sehun confirmed, “they’ve been changing for a long time now.”

Jongdae’s head was cradled in Minseok’s lap as she scrolled through her phone aimlessly. It was three in the morning and she was dead tired but she wanted to make sure Jongdae was comfortably tucked into bed before she fell asleep too. The younger boy had been singing quietly to himself before nodding off in Minseok’s lap and she looked down at his peaceful face fondly before going back to her phone. Jongin was still getting the lecture of his life and Chanyeol had found refuge in Joonmyun and Baekhyun’s room, probably playing a card game or something to pass the time. Minseok had seen Sehun go into her room too, most likely to get attention from Kyungsoo since Joonmyun was occupied.

One of her hands was holding onto her phone while the other through Jongdae’s thick brown hair comfortingly. She knew that he liked it when she did this and he always seemed to sleep more peacefully like this too. There seemed to be nothing interesting on the Internet, especially because it was dead in the night and she sighed refreshing the homepage one more time just to see if she missed any articles. To her surprise, a new article did pop up and the picture in the display was of a very familiar ex-member and ex-boyfriend, Luhan. The title read Ex-EXO Member Luhan Denies Baby Rumors Again.

Minseok tapped on the article quickly, skimming through it to get the main details. It basically said that a famous Chinese paparazzi claimed that Luhan had a secret baby and wife. Luhan had denied the rumors before but it popped up again and he and his studio had quickly and firmly denied it once more. Minseok closed out of the tab and exited the app, staring blankly at her homescreen, a picture of her, Baekhyun, and Jongdae during their CBX promotions. She knew that rumors in the celebrity world could be the most made up silly thing but her stomach slightly churned at the thought of this one being true. Back when they had been dating, she and Luhan had a few pregnancy scares but they had always turned out to be negative. Their lives would have been very different though if any of the tests had turned out positive.

Luhan was her first love and she wouldn’t take that back for anything. In a foreign country surrounded by strangers and things she didn’t know, he had been her rock. Luhan had protected her and made her feel comfortable and without him, her first few years as an EXO member would have been an entirely different story. They were the two oldest members so they understood each other and they always made each other laugh to the point of tears. Their wavelengths just lined up together so well and Luhan always seemed to be able to read her mind and she always knew exactly what he was feeling or needed too. Their relationship had been absolutely perfect. Minseok thought that she had found the one and she was so lucky to have him as a lover and best friend. She had absolutely no regrets when it came to Luhan. Even their end, which wasn’t a beautiful end, was a good lesson for her and she was glad it happened that way.

Unlike Yifan, Luhan just didn’t get up and leave in the middle of the night without a sound. He had talked about it with the managers at first and then with Yixing. Minseok had been the second person in the group to find out and instead of throwing a screaming fit like most girlfriends would have, they had a very long conversation about why. It had lasted nearly three hours as they talked, Luhan explaining all his reasons and Minseok trying to understand them, and she did. She thought they were selfish reasons but she did understand them. Joonmyun and the rest of the members probably wouldn’t understand though. They had been hurt before and they knew Luhan but they didn’t know Luhan the way she did.

“What about us?” she had saved that question for last, scared at what he would say. They had been together for three years. She was so happy with him and she thought that he had been happy too.

“What do you mean?” Luhan has asked confused.

“What happens to us?” she asked again, looking his big doe eyes straight on.

“I love you,” he told her seriously. “I love you and we’re going to stay the same as we are right now. Just because I’m in another country doesn’t mean we aren’t going to work out. We can call and text each other all the time. You can visit me in Beijing and I’ll come back to Seoul. Things aren’t going to change Minseok,” he reassured her. She nodded, fooling herself into believing him and he kissed her hard on the mouth, holding her tiny body against his tightly. He loved her, he really did.

As much as Minseok wanted to believe him, she couldn’t fool herself for long. The rest of the team had found out a few days later and sides were quickly chosen. It was Yixing and Luhan against everyone else and Minseok was stuck in the middle. Joonmyun was a ball of nerves, not addressing the situation at all. Chanyeol was furious and Baekhyun, Jongin, and Sehun were also not talking to Luhan, treating him as a stranger already. Kyungsoo and Jongdae were unusually quiet, quartering themselves from the drama and laying low. Minseok thought that she would be able to handle this, the divide and the tension, but she couldn’t. After the night of Luhan’s last concert she pulled him aside, feeling the bulge of his bicep underneath her palms. She looked at him, wanting to soak in his beautiful face one last time before she lost it forever. Even in this moment, Luhan’s eyes had a sparkle to them and she wanted to kiss his perfect cheeks and hear him laugh, mouth opening wide and eyes crinkling.

“Let’s break up,” she had said firmly and clearly, not even giving him a chance to hug her.

“What?” he had asked, eyes darkening in confusion as he took half a step back.

“Let’s break up,” she repeated, a bit more slowly and hesitant this time.

“Why Minseok?” Luhan asked, anger seeping into his voice. “We’re gonna be okay. You don’t need to be like this. We aren’t breaking up.”

“You don’t know that Luhan,” she shook her head, letting go of his arm. “Things are going to change so much and I don’t want to get hurt later.”

“I would never hurt you Minseok,” Luhan said firmly, grabbing onto her this time. “I love you so ing much. I would never do anything that would hurt you or put you in danger.”

“But Luhan,” she found herself whimpering, tears filling her eyes, “this hurts. You’re hurting me right now. You’re hurting all of us right now.” Being torn between two sides had been driving her crazy. She wanted Luhan to be happy with his life but seeing Joonmyun cry alone at night was heartbreaking too and that scowl didn’t belong on Chanyeol’s happy face.

“You’re really going to choose them over us?” Luhan asked suddenly, voice cracking.

“It’s not just them,” Minseok shook her head, “it’s my dream too. This is my dream too. You’re leaving to chase after your dream and I am living my dream right now. I can’t give that up for you. You can go back to China and have everything you want there but everything I want is right here. What’s going to happen to us later? My contract ends and then what? I follow you to China? I have nothing for me in China Luhan.”

“You have me,” Luhan answered softly.

“But is that enough?” she asked, voice becoming quiet. “I love you so much Luhan, so so much but I don’t know if I can do that for you.”

“What do want me to do then?” Luhan asked bitterly, “stay in Korea?” Truly that would be Minseok’s ideal dream, for Luhan to stay with all of them till the end of time but she knew he had made up his mind.

“If you can’t stay for me,” she said, “then I can’t wait for you. This wasn’t easy for me to think about Luhan but I can’t do long distance like that for five or six more years.”

“So you want to breakup?” Luhan asked, tears in his eyes now too. He didn’t cry easily and it broke her heart that he was.

“I’m so sorry Luhan,” she apologized, looking down, “but it’s for the best. I want you to be happy and if this is the only way for you to be happy then I support it one hundred percent but I can’t be apart of that.”

“Fine then,” Luhan scoffed at her, a sudden coldness to his voice that she wasn’t used to. From the first day they had met all those years ago he had never been cold to her. “Let’s break up then. We’re done.” He had turned around and walked away and that was the last time she saw him in person. Luhan didn’t go back to the hotel with them and they left the country without him, just like it had been planned days ago.

Sometimes Minseok saw something funny and she wished she could share it with him because she knew it would make him laugh really hard. Sometimes she missed his smile or wished she could hear his voice because she loved the sweet honey tone of it. She missed having someone her age to hang out with and rely on. The younger members were so rambunctious and loud but she had learned how to join in on their fun too now and they respected her greatly and made sure she was okay.

Jongdae whined in his sleep and shifted a bit and Minseok looked down, realizing that she had stopped his hair while she was in thought. She ran her fingers through his brown locks again and he settled down, rubbing his nose against her stomach. Sometimes Minseok missed loving someone but she had Jongdae now. She and Jongdae might not be officially dating but she knew that Jongdae was someone she would love forever. The younger male had been obvious with his feelings since Luhan left and Minseok thought it had been cute at first that Jongdae liked her but she had long since reciprocated his feelings. If Luhan had been her rock, Jongdae was her anchor. He kept her afloat but he also gave her the space she needed, space she needed to grow as a person. Jongdae was so sweet and kind and he tried so hard to make her laugh that Minseok usually ended up laughing just because his efforts were so sincere. He had stuck with her through thick and thin and whenever Minseok turned around he was just there. She knew she had to act soon though because as patient as Jongdae has been, he couldn’t wait forever either. She had dragged it out this long though because a part of her was still afraid that Jongdae might change his mind too. He might leave her behind to chase after something more too. Jongdae always proved her wrong though and she was ready to prove her worth to him.

It would be scary, getting into another relationship and hiding it from everyone but if it were with Jongdae, Minseok would also have no regrets. They were already attached at the hip, it was just a matter of putting an official label on it and being able to kiss and hold each other the way lovers do. Minseok felt a smile on her face at that thought. She would very much like to be able to kiss Jongdae’s curly lipped smile and hold him whenever she wanted to. She stopped his hair and smoothed it down instead before leaning down to place a gentle kiss in between his eyebrows. Minseok hoped that this time, neither of them would be able to let go of each other.

Author's: Unfortunate news but I think this might be my last update for a while. I've gotten into the groove of my new schedule and honestly I don't see any time where I can just write regularly and update regularly so I don't want you guys to be waiting cluelessly for something that might not come for a while. I graduate in December so hopefully starting in January I'll be able to update regularly again! Until then, I'll be focusing on school and work and probably just writing when I do have free time. Between now and January, sporadic updates might occur if I am actually able to write a full chapter but please don't get your hopes up :( Until then take care of yourselves <3