Cha Hakyeon hesitated outside of the door to Taekwoon’s apartment, wishing more than anything that he could return back to the home he was supposed to share with Wonshik. Staring at the opening, he couldn’t bring himself to cross the threshold. Anxiety filled him, as Taekwoon watched him expectantly. How could he explain that he felt like walking through that door was only going to bring him further from Wonshik? Nothing scared him more than losing the last of his connections to the dead man.

“Hakyeon... Come inside. Standing for too long is going to start to hurt.” Voice concerned, Taekwoon stepped forward to take his hands in his own in an attempt to lead him inside. Pulling away from him, Hakyeon stumbled back, falling into the wall behind him.

“Stop it, Taekwoon...” Whimpering, he allowed himself to slide down the wall until he was seating in the hallway, hands covering his face. “Take me back to the hospital... I can’t do this...”

“Hakyeon, please...” Reaching out again, he helped Hakyeon up before lifting him gently in his arms. Panic set in and the injured man began to struggle as the door loomed closer.

“Taekwoon, stop!” Hakyeon’s voice began to rise as tears began to fall heavily down his cheeks. It was hard to breathe, his chest growing tight as they entered the apartment.

“It’s okay, Hakyeon.” Calmly sitting him down on the couch, Taekwoon looked him over nervously. “You’ll be okay.”

“SHUT UP!” Everything inside of him shattered with a scream of immense heartbreak as he stood, slapping the other man as hard as he could. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”

“Hakyeon...” Touching the growing mark on his own cheek, Taekwoon watched him sadly, only making his anger grow.

“No... NO!” He slapped him again, chest heaving with the effort to get enough air around his sobs. “You robbed me of five years with him... I wasted five years waiting for you to love me... Five years I could have been happy with Wonshik... He deserved so much better than what I gave him and it’s all your fault...” Punctuating each sentence with a slap across Taekwoon’s face, he felt his energy begin to drain and a numbness set in. For all he was worth, the other man took his punishment in silence and once Hakyeon’s assault slowed to a stop, arms embraced him and he found his face buried against Taekoon’s chest.

“I know. I know, Hakyeon.” Sounding incredibly sorrowful, Taekwoon just held him close. “I am so sorry I was I so selfish for so long. But I wont be anymore. Even if you never love me again, I am devoting myself to getting you through this.”

“I hate you, Jung Taekwoon...” Whispering, Hakyeon pushed him away and moved around him into the open door of the bathroom. Locking himself inside, he sank to his knees, sobbing until sleep overcame him on the cold tile floor.

~~~

Jung Taekwoon sat outside the door, back pressed against the cool wood, eyes closed. Guilt ate at him as he thought about Hakyeon’s words. He had truly stolen five years of happiness from the man he loved, five years he could never give him back. Self hatred brought tears to his eyes and he jumped slightly, wiping them off in frantic frustration as his phone rang.

“Yeah?” Questioning as he answered the phone, he slowly stood. “What is it, Jaehwan?”

“Wonshik’s funeral is tomorrow... Can you. I mean.” Taking a deep breath, Jaehwan spoke with a voice quivering with emotion. “Hakyeon wont answer my calls and the hospital told me he’s with you. Just make sure he gets to the funeral. He’ll never forgive himself if he doesn’t.”

“Yeah. Of course.” Sighing, Taekwoon shook his head. “Jaehwan... Do you want to come stay with him sometime? I think he’d like that and... Well he hasn’t been eating and I’m getting a little worried. Maybe you’d have better luck?”

“Anything for Hakyeon.” Jaehwan agreed. “I’ll send you the information for the funeral in a text. And Taekwoon... This time you need to be a man, okay? You need to take care of my baby or the next funeral will be yours.”

“I know, Jaehwan. I’m not the man I was before.” Hanging up the phone, he went to the bathroom, using his pocket knife to pry the door open easily. Quietly, he picked up the sleeping man and carried him to the bedroom. Laying him on the bed, he tucked him in, pressing his forehead against Hakyeon’s for a moment. “I love you, Hakyeon. I will do whatever I can to make you okay again. Just... Just hang in there... I’m sorry...”

Kissing the other man’s forehead gently, he turned and retreated to the living room, a spare pillow and blanket from the hall closet in hand. Stretching out on the couch, he closed his eyes, the image of Hakyeon sobbing and hitting him played through his mind. That fractured shell of a man was a ghost of the man he loved, a shell of what he should be, and the blame belonged entirely to himself. Maybe, if he been a more decent man, he would have let Wonshik keep Hakyeon those many years before, then maybe they would have already had their happily ever after. Maybe then, they never would have been on the road when they were and they’d both be fine and together and as in love as ever. As he thought about the impact of his own, greedy actions, making his heart ache, he slowly began to succumb to sleep.