saudade
/souˈdädə/

noun

1. a deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something or someone. often accompanied with a denied fact that what one longs for will never come back

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Yixing can't remember the last time he got a proper night's sleep. At this point, it just seems like it's something completely impossible to achieve.

And so he has his insomnia to blame for why he's currently sitting in the kitchen with Kyungsoo and Sehun. The topic of tonight's discussion is Kyungsoo and Chanyeol's not-quite-relationship. To be completely honest, Yixing's just glad that he's not getting teased about Baekhyun and that the focus is on the other couple for once.

Speaking of Baekhyun... Yixing hasn't gotten the chance to spend much time around him as of late. The only occasions they end up alone together is when they go to bed at night. But Baekhyun is usually asleep by the time Yixing comes in and gone by the time he wakes up. Yixing has a slight suspicion that Baekhyun might be avoiding him and the mere thought of that pains him. Granted—Baekhyun hasn't actually said anything about it—but Yixing can't help but feel like something's wrong. And that he's supposed to know what that something is.

The growing distance between him and Baekhyun feeds a deep-set yearning that just gets worse the longer Baekhyun avoids him.

"...Chanyeol is obviously crazy about you, hyung. For god's sake, he even wrote a song for you," Sehun is saying exasperatedly.

Kyungsoo just ignores the maknae and looks questioningly at Yixing, asking for his opinion.

Yixing who's deep in thought, doesn't even realize he's being addressed, "Hmm? Oh. Yeah—I have to agree with Sehunnie on this one. Poor Yeol is absolutely smitten with you Soo."

Kyungsoo just sighs frustratedly and rolls his eyes, "Well if he's serious about us, then why isn't he man enough to actually say something? It's not like I haven't been obvious about the fact that I like him back."

"Well—maybe you haven't been obvious enough? So he's really not  sure if you feel the same way and he's worried he'll mess things up between the two of you?" Yixing suggests.

Rolling his eyes again, Kyungsoo laughs bitterly, "You're such a hypocrite, hyung. You weren't even paying attention a second ago because you were too busy daydreaming about Baekhyun."

Oops. Yixing had rejoiced too soon when he'd thought that they were going to lay off on the Baekhyun teasing for one night.

Yixing splutters indignantly but before he can say anything Sehun interrupts, laughing gleefully at his hyung's discomfort—

"It's true! You always get this look on your face when you're thinking about Baek. It's painfully obvious. Chanyeol is nothing compared to you when it comes to being too cowardly to confess," Sehun says.

"I'm not a coward!" Yixing huffs.

"When it comes to Baekhyun you seem to lose all sense of everything," Sehun replies with an infuriating smirk.

Kyungsoo smiles slyly, "That's called love."

"For the last time, I'm not in love with Baekhyun!"

His obvious lie is met with deafening silence and knowing looks from both Sehun and Kyungsoo.

Sighing defeatedly, Yixing says, "I liked you both better when you weren't too smart for your own good."

"Pshh we've always been brilliant, hyung. And you love us just the way we are," Sehun says.

It's true. Yixing concedes defeat with a shrug of his shoulders.

"So what are you going to do about Baekhyun?" Kyungsoo asks.

"What is there to do?"

"Well, something obviously happened because now he's avoiding you when otherwise, he's usually draped all over you. And I'm willing to guess that this new development is caused by... some sort of complication," is Kyungsoo's vague, unhelpful reply.

"Complication? What is that even supposed to mean ?"

Sehun blurts in, eager to help, "Well it could be a number of things, really. He might be worried you're not interested in him the same way? Or maybe he thinks you like someone else? He might not even be sure you're into men."

Yixing is taken aback. "But... wait. I'm not—I'm not... gay," he splutters.

Both Kyungsoo and Sehun do that scary thing where they stare at him with identical expressions of disbelief on their faces. Damn, Yixing really needs to learn how to manipulate his eyebrows like that.

"There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know," Kyungsoo states slowly, as if explaining to a small child.

"It's not that," Yixing replies hurriedly. "It's just—it's... only Baekhyun. He's... the only one I've felt this way for." He immediately cringes internally at how cliché his statement sounds. But it is true. And saying it out loud makes Yixing realize just how true it is.

"Maybe you're Baekhyun-ual?" Sehun suggests helpfully.

Both of his hyungs laugh at that, successfully easing some of the tension that has settled over the trio.

"No, but seriously. No matter whether you're gay or not, there's something serious there between you and Baekhyun hyung. And if you don't do something soon to make sure he knows how you feel, you might just end up losing him for good," Sehun adds on a more serious note.

Yixing sighs and puts his head in his hands. He knows they're right. He has to make a move soon.

Kyungsoo pats his shoulder comfortingly, "We believe in you hyung. You can do it." Sehun echoes his sentiments. Yixing looks up at the two, eternally grateful for being blessed with such wise dongsaengs.

"And when you finally confess to him, I promise to ask Chanyeol out on a date."

-

By the time Yixing gets back to his bedroom, Baekhyun is already there. But for the first time in ages, he's awake. Well... maybe not the first time. Yixing has the sneaking suspicion that maybe the younger boy had just been pretending to be asleep a couple of times in the recent past. Yixing hadn't commented on it but he's having none of that tonight. Tonight he's determined to be brave. Brave enough for the both of them.

He walks over to their shared closet and pulls out a jacket for himself and a thick sweater for Baekhyun. Throwing the sweater at Baekhyun lying on the bed he orders him, "Get up. I know you're awake."

Slowly, Baekhyun rolls over and looks up at him with a blank expression on his face.

"Get up," Yixing repeats. "We're going out."

Baekhyun is absolutely silent. He sits up and just gapes at Yixing with wide, bewildered eyes.

Pulling on his jacket and taking his keys from the bedside table, Yixing glances over his shoulder at Baekhyun who's still in bed.

"So are you coming or not?"

Rubbing tiredly at his eyes, Baekhyun finally—finally—gets out of bed and slips on the sweater. After a moment of simply standing there and staring at Yixing, he seems to find his voice. They're the first real words he's spoken to Yixing in what seems like ages:

"Where are we going?"

"Out," is simply Yixing's reply. "I said that already. Now put on your shoes and come with me."

After having what seems to be a silent, internal debate with himself, Baekhyun complies and this leads to the duo ending up alone in a car in the garage.

Yixing opens the passenger door for Baekhyun and the younger boy silently slides in. Baekhyun hadn't spoken a single word on the trip down and it seemed like it was going to remain that way.

Getting into the driver's seat, Yixing buckles up and turns the key in the ignition. They pull out onto the quiet street and Yixing—he drives. And drives. And drives.

They drive through the sleeping city. They drive out past the edge of civilization and the skyscrapers give way to trees. The city fades away and seems to melt away into nothingness.

Yixing feels like he's driving to get away. He's running. Running to escape. There's an edge of desperation tinging the edges. All of his stress and worries just seem petty and unimportant when he's out here, far away from everything with just Baekhyun by his side. He's running. Running so he doesn't get caught. Running so he doesn't get pulled under the waves. Running so he doesn't drown.

They're just cruising on an empty highway out in the middle of nowhere now. There's a heavy silence in the car but it's strangely comfortable. The green light on the dashboard reads: 2:47am.

Yixing finds himself glancing out of the corner of his eye at Baekhyun sitting next to him. He can't help himself. How could anyone expect him to be able to resist this beautiful boy? The passing streetlights cast strange shadows on Baekhyun's face and the light pools on his features, drawing them out and defining them. There's a glow cast on his tousled hair, making him literally shine. He looks like an angel. He looks like destruction. He looks like salvation. He looks utterly irresistible and Yixing is utterly, totally, ed.

Finally, Yixing works up the resolve to break the silence that seems to he working so well for them. He loathes to ruin the serenity but he knows it has to be done.

"You know I'm not really sure where we're going."

Baekhyun's quiet for so long, Yixing thinks he's not going to reply until finally, he speaks up, "I realized."

Yixing takes that as a positive sign to continue talking,"Well technically, I had no idea where we were going."

After what seems like an eternity, Baekhyun responds to the bait. "And now you do?" he prompts.

"Surprisingly, yes. It's... a special place. For me, anyway. I've never shown or told anyone else about it," Yixing replies hesitantly.

"But now you're taking me there?"

"Well... you're... special to me so it kind of makes sense for me to show it to you."

Baekhyun looks straight at him for the first time since they'd gotten into the car. And there's that damn eyebrow raise again. He isn't going to make this easy for Yixing.

Yixing sighs and continues, "You know that bracelet you gave to me awhile back?" He doesn't need to elaborate because Baekhyun knows exactly which bracelet he's talking about.

It had happened one day, just like any other. Yixing had been about to leave the dorms to go board yet another flight taking him away from Korea. From s.

Baekhyun accosted him alone in the hallway. For a minute he'd just stood there, shifting nervously from foot to foot. When Yixing opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, he'd quickly stuffed something into Yixing's open palm. On closer examination, Yixing identified it to be a bracelet. The bracelet. The one Baekhyun always seemed to wear. The one you could sometimes catch him rubbing at when he was nervous, as if for comfort.

After a moment of stunned silence, Yixing had looked up at Baekhyun, an astonished look on his face. He couldn't be giving it to him, could he?

"It's yours," Baekhyun had said firmly.

"I can't take this. It's special to you," replied Yixing, aghast.

"That's exactly why I'm giving it to you. It's special to me and I want you to have something of mine to remember me by when you're all alone out there, miles and miles away from me. I want you to look at it and have a piece of me with you at all times. Think of it as though I'm lending it to you for safekeeping."

"Lending it to me?" Yixing had asked.

"Yeah. Until the day comes when you won't ever have to leave my side. I'm giving it to you because it's special. Because you're special. To me."

"But..."

"I want you to have it."

And that was the end of that.

So yeah, when Yixing mentions the bracelet, Baekhyun knows exactly which one he's talking about.

"Yeah, I remember the bracelet. I haven't seen you wearing it," Baekhyun added accusingly.

"Trust me, I wear it constantly when I'm away from you. But I felt like I didn't need to wear it when I'm here with you. When I start missing you—which is like all the time—all I need to do is look in your direction and the weight in my chest will ease. I can't do that when I'm miles away from you and the bracelet really does help."

Yixing notices Baekhyun staring at him with a strangely vulnerable look on his face after hearing his answer.

"But if you want me to wear it even now, I wouldn't mind," Yixing continues.

"N—no. It's okay. I just..." Baekhyun trails off, looking more than a little shaken.

After waiting a moment to see if Baekhyun's going to finish his thought, Yixing continues, "Well anyway, my point was that you gave me something special—a piece of yourself—when you lent me the bracelet. And I want to do the same. So all I ask of you is to give me a chance. Please."

It's not even clear what Yixing is asking Baekhyun to give him a chance for. Yixing isn't even sure he knows himself. But nevertheless, he sees Baekhyun nod slowly and hesitantly and he feels a surge of hope in his chest.

And so they continue driving. Though increasingly winding roads and deserted fields. There's still silence between them but it's less heavy. Yixing can sense Baekhyun now staring at him curiously, not even trying to hide it.

He has to tear his thoughts away from Baekhyun for a while to focus on the dark road ahead of him. The terrain is getting more mountainous and the car is ascending uphill. Yixing would never forgive himself if something happened and Baekhyun got hurt just because he himself was acting like too much of a lovesick teenager to pay attention to the road.

Finally, finally, they reach their destination.

Yixing pulls onto a patch of grass and cuts the ignition. He gets out of the car and walks around to the trunk at the back, hoping... yes . There it is!

After a split second's thought, he grabs just one of the bottles of alcohol. It'll be more romantic this way, he figures, while cackling evilly to himself.

Realizing that Baekhyun still hasn't exited the car, Yixing goes over and opens the door and stares down at Baekhyun who stares identically up at him.

"Well? Aren't you coming?"

When Baekhyun makes no move to reply, Yixing just grabs his hand out of his lap and pulls him out the car. Baekhyun stumbles out, surprised and almost falls over but Yixing catches him quickly.

"I won't ever let you fall," Yixing says quietly. Almost too quietly, but Baekhyun hears and his eyes go wide. Biting his lip he looks away and doesn't reply. So Yixing just decides, to hell with it and leads Baekhyun by the hand over to the edge. They're on top of a tall hill—more of a small mountain really. They're high up and the city is spread out, glittering and glorious beneath them.

Yixing hears Baekhyun gasp slightly at the overwhelming view.

"It's... magnificent."

Yixing chuckles slightly, "I know. I still can't believe I discovered such a place."

Sitting on the grass, Yixing pulls Baekhyun down with him and after taking a swig from the bottle, passes it to the other boy. After a couple minutes of silence and staring out at the sparkling city sprawled out beneath them, Baekhyun asks, "How did you find this place anyway?"

"Well, it was a while back... Right after Luhan left actually." Yixing doesn't dare look at Baekhyun for fear of what he might see on his face.

He continues after taking a second to gather himself, "Everything was just getting to be... too much. First Yifan. Then Luhan. I was plagued day and night by these horrible thoughts. What if it was my fault? Should I have tried harder?—"

Baekhyun opens his mouth to say something but Yixing cuts him off, "I know now it wasn't my fault. You don't have to tell me. It wasn't anyone's fault. I know you and the others went through the same sort of thing. But then... then it was just overwhelming."

Yixing has to stop again for a moment to collect himself and Baekhyun places a comforting hand on his arm. When Yixing looks at him, he sees the other boy has an understanding look on his face that can only come from experience.

Taking a deep breath, Yixing continues, "And one night, I think it was when I accidentally came across something of Luhan's which he had left behind, it got to be too much. I just had to get away. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. So I just drove."

Baekhyun's grip on his arm tightens.

"I drove and I drove. I had no idea where I was going. I just knew it had to be far away. Far enough to leave it all behind. And so, somehow, in a moment of delirium, I ended up here. I honestly don't remember anything from that night. It's all jumbled up in my head in weird snatches. But I do remember the feeling of peace that settled over me the moment I laid eyes on... this . He gestures out at the view.

"It was just—the city lights and seeing the hustle and bustle of all those tiny cars carrying all those people, busy with their own lives and... I can't explain it. But it made me feel like I was part of something bigger. Reminded me that it wasn't the end of the world. It grounded me and that was exactly what I needed at that moment. I ended up coming here quite often after that night. Or at least as often as I could. This is where I ran to the night Tao announced his departure. It's also where I would come when I needed inspiration for lyrics or a reason to keep going."

Yixing paused and looked over at Baekhyun who was still staring at him intently and gripping his arm. After bracing himself, he hurdled into the last leg of his speech, "Which comes down to why I've brought you here. Baekhyunnie. For me, you're kind of this special place. Just infinitely better. You're my escape. My rock. My encouragement. My inspiration. My home. I don't know what I would do without you and now you've been ignoring me and I just—"

Yixing's voice cracks and he feels Baekhyun tense beside him and move his hand down from his arm to instead clasp Yixing's hand in his own.

Taking a deep breath, Yixing finishes, "Without you, I can't do this Baekhyun. I can't. I need you."

Silence meets his deceleration. After a minute of what feels like pure agony for Yixing, Baekhyun speaks, "I... didn't know you felt that way."

When Yixing opens his mouth to reply, Baekhyun hastily cuts him off.

"I mean, I knew to some extent. But I didn't know you felt that strongly. I don't know you felt... the way I do."

Yixing's heart clenches.

Baekhyun continues, "I'm sorry for ignoring you. It's just... I didn't know what to do. It hurt too much to just be by your side and pretend like what we have isn't different. I originally thought I could be okay with just continuing on as we had. Not acknowledging... this ." He gestures between them.

After taking a deep breath, Baekhyun continues, "But I don't think I can. I'm not sure if you feel the same way. And I'm scared. But what I do know for sure is that I can't just sit around and let things I want, slip through my fingers. Life's too short to live in with regrets."

And with that, Baekhyun takes a large swig from the bottle still lying on the grass in front of them.

They drink some more in silence, watching the city in front of them slowly come to life. The sun'll be rising soon and people will be waking up. Leaving their homes, making their way to work or school. Living. Laughing. Crying. Loving.

Yixing's feeling a little tipsy. He feels brave. Brave enough to take on the world. Brave enough to lean over and press a light kiss to Baekhyun's cheek.

"I just need a little longer," he whispers. "To figure myself out."

Baekhyun looks at him, pained. "How long, Yixing? Because I told myself I could wait forever but I'm not sure anymore."

"Not much longer. I promise," Yixing adds, placing another sweet kiss to the tip of Baekhyun's nose.

Baekhyun sighs and leans into his warmth, "I trust you."

And in the end, that's all they have, isn't it? After all the fame and glory and youth and adventure fades away. After everything turns to dust, all that's left is their trust. Their faith and loyalty. Their love.

Yixing wraps his arm around Baekhyun and pulls him close. He has no idea what the morning will bring him. What decisions he's going to have to make. What obstacles he's going to face. But at this very moment, he's content.

Content with Baekhyun by his side and the city spread out beneath them.

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I'm sorry. I know I'm just sort of dragging it out now and the whole chapter was just really vague and did nothing to move the plot forward. I just really needed to write it. On the plus side, I think there's only 2? more chapters left. Again, I'm super sorry this update is so late but hopefully they'll be a lot quicker now that school's out. 

Thanks again for reading this absolute train wreck. I love you all. Comments are appreciated! <3