limerence
/ˈlimərəns/

noun

1. the state of being infatuated with another person.

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One day, Baekhyun wakes up and it dawns on him that he and Yixing are steadily drawing closer to something that can be defined as a couple. The sudden realization leaves him slightly breathless. He vows to not this up. All he needs is a little more time.

And then Yixing leaves. He leaves and isn't allowed to come back.

He's had to leave before. For China. By himself. But it's only been for a couple weeks at a time. Baekhyun can cope—albeit roughly—with that.

But this time—this time he's gone. For months upon months.

He leaves Baekhyun with a hole in his heart.

And he tries to tell himself isn't terrible. Except it is.

And the time to work everything out that Baekhyun so desperately needed—he doesn't get it.

-

Baekhyun can't describe the sheer agony he feels at being separated from Yixing for so long.

Junmyeon just looks at him with sad eyes when he talks to him about it. Baekhyun knows their beloved leader hurts at the thought of any of s suffering but this matter isn't in his hands.

Jongdae on the other hand, actually says something:

"Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic Baekhyun?"

Baekhyun admits that he doesn't take that comment well.

"You shouldn't even be talking! Your boyfriend literally lives with you. As if you know how it feels! You get to sleep with Minseok by your side and I—I can't even—" His voice cracks and buries his face in his hands. Jongdae quickly pulls him into a firm embrace.

"Oh Baek. I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I didn't think. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. You're right. I am lucky."

Baekhyun just sobs harder.

Jongdae is undeterred. "You're doing so well. Yixing would want you to stay strong for him. He'd be proud of you."

After he's done crying he lies with his head pillowed in Jongdae's lap and is lulled to sleep by the feel of the other man's fingers threading through his hair. The last thing he remembers is whispering in a hoarse voice, "But he's not even my boyfriend. He's not my anything."

Jongdae's hand pauses for a second before he resumes Baekhyun's hair. "I know for a fact that Yixing would highly disagree with you on that statement. I can't pretend to know what he is to you but I do know what you are to him. You're his light. His rock. His home. He wouldn't be where he is without you. He loves you Baekhyun."

-

When he's feeling the weight of Yixing's absence too sharply, he'll occasionally crawl into bed with Sehun or Minseok or even Kyungsoo. They all make him feel safe and loved and grounded in the darkest hours of the night when the loneliness just can't seem to leave him alone.

But the weirdest thing is that he doesn't feel the most lonely when he's alone. No. Quite the opposite.

He'll feel the sharp pang in his chest when he's taking a break with s after practice. He'll be sitting there and it'll hit him—Yixing should be there with them. He should be there, learning the latest choreography or memorizing lines for their new song alongside Baekhyun.

He'll be having drinks with the others and everything will come crashing down mid-laugh. Baekhyun’s smile will taper off and he'll look around him at all the familiar, happy faces and think about how Yixing is missing out on the moments he deserves.

Or they'll be on stage, out in front of thousands of fans and the group will leave an extra space for where Yixing should be and everything just hurts too much.

In these moments, he'll be forever grateful for s. They seem to know exactly when things get to be too overwhelming. Chanyeol distracts him by playing video games. Jongin invites him to his workouts. Kyungsoo lets him help with the cooking (despite all his complaints about Baekhyun being an utter nuisance in the kitchen). Sehun takes him to his new favorite bubble tea place.

So he knows, even when the world is ending and there is a complete and utter absence of all hope, he'll always have his bandmates at his back.

But despite all s' well-meaning efforts, nothing can fully numb the pain of Yixing's absence.

He pretends like everything's perfectly fine when in reality, he's falling apart on the inside.

And the worst part of it all is the fact that sometimes he thinks he doesn't even have a right to be feeling this way. Everyone misses him but they're not falling apart the way Baekhyun is. It's not like he and Yixing are actually a thing. It's not like he has some special claim to the other man.

Then he'll realize he does. He always did. What they have is different. Meaningful. Special. No amount of distance between them can change that.

-

Not all of it is utterly horrible of course. There are the nights that he and Yixing stay up together until the sun rises. They may be in different countries, but in these moments, in the quiet and dark, Baekhyun feels more connected to him—more present—than he does with people who are actually around him.

He'll fall asleep to the sweet murmur of Yixing's voice as it lulls him through the cell phone clutched at his ear. He'll burrow into his covers and settle down to FaceTime and ramble on about his day in unimaginable detail. And Yixing—always smiles and nods and laughs in all the right places. Knows exactly what to say to comfort him even though he can't be there physically.

In those moments, Baekhyun can almost pretend that Yixing is nearby. Just on his way home to him and not thousands of miles away.

-

The moment he hears about Yixing's return, Baekhyun freezes for a good minute. He doesn't dare believe what he’s hearing.

He stands there, still as a deer and breathes deeply. Surely, the world can't be playing a cruel joke on him? This is too good to be true.

"Baekhyun?" Junmyeon's voice breaks through his thoughts. "Baekhyun are you okay?"

It's another moment before he recovers. He takes in a shaky breath. Attempts a watery smile. His answer surprises himself:

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

And then he bursts into tears.

-

They're not allowed to meet Yixing at the airport. Instead, they have to make do with waiting at the dorms for his arrival.

As Baekhyun sits there, wringing his hands nervously in his lap, he's struck with a sense of déjà vu. He's reminded of the last time they'd welcomed Yixing home so many months ago. This feels so similar, yet wildly different all the same.

Last time, there hadn't been this much at stake between the two of them. There hadn't been so much to sacrifice. In the space of the time between then and now, Baekhyun had matured and grown and most importantly—fallen in love.

The door opens. His heart sticks in his throat. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears.

Yixing walks through the door. His eyes fall on Baekhyun, now standing up, eyes wide and flushed.

As if by pre-discussed agreement, the rest of the members who are there step back to give the couple some space alone.

Everything is deathly still for a moment.

The spell breaks.

Baekhyun rushes forward and flings himself at Yixing who stumbles backwards from the force of it and fortunately catches the both of them just in time. His arms come up and wrap tightly around Baekhyun and he buries his face in his hair.

Baekhyun's trying to get the words out. Trying to say what he so badly needs to. His throat's clenched tightly.

Yixing says it first.

"I missed you so much."

Baekhyun bursts out crying. Again.

-

It's bliss. Dozing off with his face nestled into the crook of the older man’s neck. Waking up every morning and knowing he has Yixing by his side. But Baekhyun has to remind himself that everything's not perfect. They still haven't figured out what this is. Time is still running out.

-

Baekhyun starts awake in the middle of the night. He senses something is off. He stares at the dark ceiling for a moment, soaking in the surroundings. All is silent. The room is deathly still.

Slowly, he tilts his head to look over at his side and yes—Yixing is still lying there, supposedly asleep, only the silhouette of his slumbering form visible in the dark.

But something doesn't seem quite right. It's quiet. Too quiet. The room isn't filled with the soft, steady breathing of a peacefully sleeping Yixing, as it should be.

"Baekhyun?" Yixing's voice hesitantly breaks through the heavy silence.

So he is awake.

"Baekhyun, are you there?" He asks in an almost trembling voice.

"Yes, hyung. Yes, of course. Where else would I be?"

"It's just… I—I needed to check. I needed to hear—"

Baekhyun moves closer and lightly touches Yixing's shoulder to get him to turn over and face him. After a long moment, the elder obliges. Baekhyun can't see Yixing's expression in the dark.

"It's okay," he says softly. "It's okay hyung. You can always make sure I'm here no matter what time of night. I won't be bothered."

Baekhyun knows that statement doesn't really make much coherent sense but he trusts Yixing to get what he's trying to say.

Yixing let's out a slow exhale.

After another minute of hesitation, Baekhyun asks, "Yixing—did you have a nightmare?"

He can make out Yixing's slow nod in the dark.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head. Baekhyun lies there quietly for another minute before Yixing finally chokes out, "It’s just—you were gone and—" he doesn't finish his sentence.

Baekhyun reaches and grabs both of Yixing's hands in his own and pulls them close to his own chest. "Well I can tell you that your nightmare was wrong. How? Because I'm right here. I'm not a dream. Not a figment of your imagination. I'm here. Me. And I can promise you that I'm never going to leave you. Ever,” he proclaims vehemently.

Yixing shakes his head and whispers in a hoarse voice, "You can't say that. Not for sure."

Baekhyun squeezes his hands tighter.

"I can. We may have to be apart from each other sometimes. We might have thousands of miles separating us but I can promise you that I will always come back to you in the end."

And if there's one thing Baekhyun's learned from Yixing, it's how to keep his promises.

-

Surprisingly, it's Jongin who pulls him aside one day.

"You have to tell him."

Baekhyun opens his mouth to speak, protest—anything—but Jongin interrupts.

"You have to tell him or you'll lose him forever."

"What if I ruin everything by doing that?"

Jongin rolls his eyes. "It's really ing obvious he likes you. Just tell him. What's the worst he could do?"

"Hate me?" Baekhyun hates how small his voice sounds.

Gripping his shoulders, Jongin looks at him intensely, "He could never hate you and you know that. Now man up and tell him or we'll have to do something drastic."

"We?"

"We. You know—the rest of your members who've had to deal with you two sending longing glances to each other all the time and flirting blatantly enough to make me want to puke."

"Longing glances?"

"God. You two are worse than Yeol and Soo. Look at Kyungsoo. He stopped waiting around for Chanyeol to come to him and made the first move. Now they're happily together. Like an old, married couple really. Maybe you should take a page out of his book and actually do something."

Baekhyun bites his lip.

"Look it's obvious he likes you back. Just take that leap. It'll be worth it. I promise."

Everyone seems to be making a lot of promises.

-

Spending time alone with Yixing isn't the same as it used to be. It was always slightly charged between them but now the tension level's risen to new heights.

It's absolutely unbelievable. Baekhyun will always be catching Yixing studying him out of the corner of his eye. Or he'll tense up for a moment when Baekhyun places a hand on his thigh. And they've both been blushing a ridiculous amount.

Why are they torturing themselves like this?

-

"Hey Baekhyun, do you have a moment?"

He looks up from his tablet to see Yixing standing in the doorway, wringing his hands nervously. He looks slightly nauseous.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah—" Yixing visibly gulps. "Yeah, I'm fine. I was just wondering if you had a minute to spare."

"Yeah. What's up?" Baekhyun asks slowly. He's a little confused but mostly starting to feel like a swarm of butterflies just set up shop in his stomach.

Might Yixing be wanting to talk to him about… well, them? Finally? After all these months of dancing around their feelings?

"Could you—maybe—come up to the roof with me?"

Baekhyun opens his mouth to speak but Yixing rushes to interrupt.

"You don't have to if you don't want to!" he quickly adds.

"No—no it's okay. I'd love to go with you. Let me just put on my shoes."

With a fluttering heart and shaking hands, Baekhyun gets up and follows Yixing.

He'd follow Yixing anywhere really.

-

They sit at the edge of the roof—side by side—watching the rushing cars beneath them. There's a cool breeze in the air and Baekhyun shivers slightly.

Yixing's hand is resting next to his. Baekhyun can literally feel the centimeter of space between them. He aches to close the distance but he's resolved to not make the first move.

Yixing catches him eyeing their hands and looks at him with an expression so fond it physically makes Baekhyun's heart hurt. Not breaking eye contact, he inches his hand closer to Baekhyun's and twines their fingers closer.

Baekhyun grips his hand tighter.

"I'm fairly certain you know why I got you up here all alone for," Yixing starts.

"To talk?"

"Well—yes. And I'm sure you know what I want to talk about."

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow.

Yixing smiles. "Don't pretend otherwise. I've been pretty obvious these past few months. I'm pretty sure you and everyone else knew even before I did."

"What are y—"

"Wait. Please, Baekhyun. I have to say this first before I lose my nerve. I just—I'm not sure how to go about it." He sighs. "This is too important for me to up. You're too important."

Baekhyun falls silent. (He swears he can hear his heart hammering in his chest.) He can barely breathe.

He can't tear his gaze away from Yixing's, who's biting his lip and furrowing his brow.

The sound of passing cars and faint honking fills the silence between them.

He waits.

"Baekhyun… I—I love you," Yixing finally breathes out in a shaky voice. "I'm in love with you and I have been since forever. I don't want to lose you and—. I just—"

Baekhyun cuts him off. He reaches up and puts his hand on Yixing's shoulder. "You could never lose me."

Yixing exhales shakily. "I didn't want to mess up our friendship. I was scared. Of failing you. Terrified of what might happen if the public finds out."

Baekhyun's hand rises to cup his cheek. He runs his thumb over Yixing's cheekbone. "I was scared too. I am scared. There's so much that could go wrong."

Yixing looks away.

"But—" Baekhyun grasps Yixing's chin and gently turns his face towards him. "But I think it's still worth it. Despite all of the consequences, I want you.

He smiles at the way Yixing's eyes widen adorably.

By this point, he feels on top of the world. He's fearless.

He leans in.

And catches Yixing's lips in a kiss.

(To be completely honest, Yixing later insists that he'd leaned in too so technically they're not sure who initiated the kiss.)

After a tense moment, Yixing relaxes and melts into the kiss, drawing a delicious moan out of Baekhyun.

This. This is all he's ever wanted.

Every nerve is on fire. He feels hyperaware of every touch.

Baekhyun thinks he might combust just from the sheer surrealness of it all.

When Yixing reaches up to tangle his fingers in Baekhyun's hair and pull him closer by his waist, Baekhyun thinks he might just faint.

It's not so much the skill with which Yixing kisses him—mind you, he's a perfectly good kisser—but the passion. It leaves Baekhyun with no doubt that this is what the other man wants. He is what Yixing's wants.

Any second thoughts that might have been lingering on the matter immediately fade away in the light of his kiss.

Yixing runs his hands up and down Baekhyun's back and sides and holds him as if he can't quite believe that he has Baekhyun right here, in his arms.

Baekhyun thinks if he died right there and then, he'd die happy.

Yixing's lips are just as soft as he'd always imagined. And when he opens his mouth as an invitation for him to explore, Baekhyun decides that his new favorite pastime is kissing Yixing. He could do this forever.

And holy , the sounds Yixing makes. The slight gasps and groans that he can't seem to contain—they'll drive Baekhyun over the edge.

Baekhyun isn't exactly being quiet himself. Quite the opposite. He's just as loud in all things ual as he is in every other aspect of his life.

But—oh. The things Yixing can do with his tongue. It's positively sinful.

Somehow, Baekhyun ends up straddling Yixing's lap. He twines his fingers in the elder's impossibly soft hair and completely loses himself in Yixing.

But sooner or later, they have to draw apart—reluctantly—to breathe.

Leaning his forehead against Yixing's, Baekhyun whispers, "ing finally."

Yixing chuckles softly. "At least we got here in the end."

"I didn't doubt we would."

"You always had faith in us, Baekhyun."

Pressing a soft, chaste kiss on Yixing's lips, Baekhyun whispers, "I had faith in you.

Yixing tightens his grip on Baekhyun's waist and lets his forehead fall back against Baekhyun's. "I'm so ing lucky," he says.

"I'm luckier."

"Shut up. I'm trying to tell you how much I love you and you keep on interrupting."

Chuckling, Baekhyun replies, "You don't have to tell me anything, Yixing. I know." He feels high on euphoria. There can be no better drug than this.

"But I still have to tell you. I need to."

Smiling softly, Baekhyun tucks a wayward strand of dark hair behind Yixing's ear. "Tell me, then."

Taking a deep breath, Yixing asks, "Remember that night we made cookies together?"

Baekhyun chuckles. "How could I forget? I remember you smeared cookie dough all over me."

"You started it!" Yixing says indignantly. "Anyway, you brought me up here to the roof for the first time then. You sat next to me and you just looked so beautiful and… happy. You took my breath away."

Baekhyun blushes despite himself.

Yixing continues determinedly. "That night, I realized how in love with you I was. I realized that there's so many things I want to do. We're still young. And I discovered that I want you to be there with me through it all."

Baekhyun opens his mouth to speak but Yixing isn't finished:

"I want you Baekhyun. I need you. What the future holds for us—it may not be easy or painless, but I would have it no other way."

Not having the words to describe how he feels, Baekhyun decides to just show him. He leans forward and kisses him.

This kiss is slower—less rough and desperate than the last one.

It has a different kind of sweetness and passion. It’s both of them conveying unspoken promises and vows to each other.

. He's allowed to do this now. Baekhyun is allowed to kiss and touch Yixing whenever the he wants. The thought makes him delirious with the possibilities.

They sit there, twined together, high above the sparkling lights of the city.  In this moment, Baekhyun is sure of nothing but what Yixing and him feel for each other. And that's enough for him.

He's young and in love with the beautiful man in his arms and a bright future ahead of him. What more could he ask for?

"Now that I'm your boyfriend, I fully expect you to finally introduce me to your grandmother," Yixing pulls away to whisper cheekily in his ear.

Baekhyun laughs brightly and pulls Yixing in for another kiss.

He's happy.

_____________________________________________________

I think I have a slight obsession with Baek's grandma too.

I’m also sorry for the corniness that you just read. I’m disgusted with myself at how soft I get because of these two.

But holy , we're done. This is the longest piece of fiction that I've posted online and I really can't believe I've made it this far. This story started out as a self-indulgent, loosely connected series of events in baekxing's lives (to give me a break from other work and give me a place to experiment) but it quickly morphed into something much more. It's not my best work but I feel like I've learned a thing or two while writing it.

I would never have made it without the love and support of all of you guys. Your kudos and lovely comments gave me the drive to keep going. You stuck with me even with my super sporadic updates and meh writing.  Thank you so much! *blows you tons of kisses*

(Also, what do you guys think of a short, ty epilogue sort of thing?)

Come talk to me on my twitter. I don't bite!