The storm that followed the break up was the darkest and roughest I had ever experienced.  Each and every day, was an internal battle within myself to find the willpower to push on and persevere. Break ups weren’t ever easy, but it was just that much more difficult, because we lived together. Although I spoke to her at events, when were in the eyes of the public. Behind closed doors, I uttered no words. I hadn’t talked to her privately in weeks. At the dorm I tried my best to avoid her, but I couldn’t hide from her. I couldn’t avoid seeing her face and being reminded of what we had. I pretended like I didn’t care, but when I was certain she wasn’t looking, I’d steal the chance to glance at her. I knew it was wrong, but I longed to see her smile. I missed it. I missed her. Although I had memorized the way her soft lips felt against mine, and the way her fingers caressed my skin, it did her no justice. I ached for her touch.  The more that I missed her; the more it made me ponder over my decision. But in spite of the inner turmoil within me, deep down I knew I had made the right choice. If I hadn’t broken up with her, and had pretended to be okay, I would’ve eventually hated her. We would’ve continued to fight and fall apart miserably. It is a fundamental component of human nature to make mistakes, but committing the same mistake time and time again is a choice. Sana chose to hurt me. I had to end it to protect myself, to protect her and to protect the integrity of the memories we had built.

Today wasn’t going to be any different. It was going to be difficult as always. Morning came and passed, and before I knew it was time for our red carpet appearance. Usually I rode in the same van as Sana, and we’d sit in the back in our own love bubble, playing games and whispering sweet nothings. Things had changed though; I was in the vehicle with Chaeyoung, Tzuyu, and Mina and seated by Momo. After we had arrived at the venue, we followed the usual protocol and exited in single file manner.  Whilst we waited for the others to join, I couldn’t help but notice that Sana didn’t seem like herself, she looked lost. I watched anxiously from the corner of my eye, as she stumbled on what seemed like nothing.  Before my mind even had a chance to register the fact that we had broken up, my legs had already reacted reflexively. By then I was already beside her. My hand naturally reached out for hers and as her hand came into contact with mine, I instantly regretted it. As she had looked up at me with such a sad smile, that it broke my heart once again.  Her hurt expression wasn’t from the fall, but because of what I had did to her. She was silently telling me of the heartache she felt, and I couldn’t help but flinch at her misery. Instead of helping Sana up, I stayed still as my world spun in utter chaos, as my feelings all collided. Momo who had been standing beside me, stepped in and aided Sana in my stead. Defeated I recoiled behind her, as I tried to hold back my tears.  “It’s okay.” Momo whispered, as she squeezed my hand supportively. I didn’t feel the slightest bit okay, but I had to remain professional. It was one of the many drawbacks of being a celebrity. No matter my feelings, no matter the circumstances, I had to at all times remain bright and cheerful. I forcefully smiled, as the hoard of photographers proceeded to blind me with their harsh flashes. They’d yell and bellow directions as if I were an animal at circus. To them I was simply a subject of many from that night, a mere photo that would add another digit to their pay cheques. They didn’t care for my discomfort, but purely concerned with their own agendas. I hated red carpet events the most. Nonetheless it ended smoothly, well except for Sana’s ungraceful fall and my almost self-destructive panic.

*  *  *

It had been a laborious day of dance practice, and by the time we had returned to the dorm, we were all spent of energy. Our bodies ached, our muscles sore and our minds tired. We all sat sprawled across the living room, as we devoured our late dinner. I had paid careful attention to ensure that I wouldn’t be seated next to Sana, but she somehow ended up sitting across from me. It was awful, as it was almost impossible not to catch her line of sight. And in the brief moments that ours eyes did meet, she’d try to reel me in. I attempted to signal desperately to Chaeyoung for help, but she was too immersed by the television to notice my cries for assistance. I alone squirmed uneasily as I tried to plot my subtle escape. As time passed, my anxiety grew and I frantically strained to make eye contact with the other members, but none of them paid me any attention. All except for one person, Momo who had been happily enjoying her jokbal. Once she had noticed my distress, she immediately nodded in my direction. “Dahyun, I’ve finished eating. Do you want me do your nails now?” Momo questioned out of the blue, offering to save me.

“What are you talkin