One of the things I feared most was when Jihyo said she needed to talk. The serious conversations, with her stern eyes and unsmiling face always made me feel inferior and wrong. The situation was very much similar to a student being reprimanded by the principal for their wrongdoings.  Jihyo possessed a certain poise that dictated and controlled the room that always rendered me helpless.

“What’s the matter Jihyo?” I cautiously asked, bracing for the worst.

“I know that you and Sana have broken up, and that’s between you two, but Sana’s not coping and its affecting her performance.” Jihyo pointed out.

“Apart from the fainting during dance rehearsal today, she seems fine?” I questioned puzzled, slightly taken back by her observation.

Jihyo scoffed as she rolled her eyes. “She tries to put on a brave front when you’re around, but the truth is, she’s not handling it well at all. She barely eats, and at night when she thinks everyone is asleep, she cries till the point of exhaustion. And when she finally manages to sleep, she’s calling out your name.”

“I didn’t realise it was affecting her to that extent.”

“I know that you’re hurting too Dahyun, but you need to talk to her. You both need to find closure.” She frankly advised.

I was flustered by Jihyo’s sudden proposal. I wasn’t at all prepared to talk to Sana. “Can’t you talk to her for me, or can’t Tzuyu talk to her?”

“I’ve tried. We’ve all tried, but she won’t talk to anyone about it. I know that it’s hard, but its something you need to do.  If not for yourself, then for her sake at least.” Jihyo encouraged as her firm expression melted into one of understanding and compassion.

There wasn’t anything left me to say, so I just nodded silently in agreement. I knew Jihyo was right, but the thought of talking to Sana petrified me. The wound had only started to heal and talking to Sana meant ripping it right open. I didn’t want to face the reality yet. I was finally able to breathe without pain. Breaking up with Sana, felt like falling overboard into the depths of the ocean. In the water I struggled alone to stay afloat, there were moments where I choked on the saltiness of my sorrow and found myself heaving for air. Other times the waves washed over me relentlessly testing my strength, trying to break me. However I did not wane to the rage of sea, I fought with all my might.  And by some miracle my prayers were answered, I was gifted a plank of hope that I clung to desperately in order to survive. Talking to Sana meant letting go of my life support, it meant risking my life once again for someone that never appreciated me. The sad thing was, even though I knew it was a gamble, I always believed that Sana was worth it. Even when my mind screamed no, my heart was racing to her.

A mind full of memories, a heart trapped in love, and a body crippled in fear, was I. “KNOCK KNOCK”, my small hand gingerly motioned against the door that led to her room.

“Hey Sana.” The words rolled awkwardly off my tongue, as if they were from a foreign language.

“I thought you were avoiding me.”

“Yeah about that, I’m sorry for handling it the wrong way.” I apologised nervously, eyes still glued to the floor.

“Do you hate me that much, that you can’t even look at me?” Sana said in a voice so quiet, almost like a whisper.

“No.” I murmured as my gaze slowly lifted to meet hers.

“I don’t understand Dahyun, you say you love me, yet you insist on us separating? You avoid me at all corners, and not once do you bother to ask if I’m okay. It’s like you don’t care anymore.” She said as she began to sob.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you doing this because of Momo?” She questioned in a watery mess.

“Momo? No, she has nothing to do with this.” I defensively answered. I wasn’t going to stand for the belittlement or passing of blame to Momo. Sana had no right. 

“I saw you two the other night.” Sana admitted with worn eyes.

“Sana listen to me, because I’m only going to say this once more. I love you Sana, and but I had to end it, I just couldn’t bare another round of your games and the aftermath of pain.”

“Don’t give up on us Dahyun. I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry. I know that my words mean nothing to you right now, but at least give me the chance to show you that I’ve changed.” She spluttered fumbling over her words with tears spotted down her cheeks.

It was already extremely difficult to talk to her, but to witness her fall apart in front of me was a heart shattering sight. “Sana, please don’t do this.”

But against my plea, she continued. “I’ve lost many things in my life, but losing you was by far the worst, your absence made me realise I could never replace you. You left me in the dark to fend the silence alone, and I crumbled miserably. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night alone, reminiscing back to our best times in your embrace. I’m sorry for only realising now how badly I treated you, and how brutal my games were. I fell in love with you not knowing what love truly was, but I know now, because no one else makes me feel this way, except you.”

“Sana…” I whimpered as I blinked back my own tears. She had finally understood what I felt.

“I’m begging you. If you still love me at all Dahyun, please forgive me and let me try to make it up to you. You’ve fought for us for so long, it’s my turn now.  I know that I’m asking for a lot, but we owe ourselves this much.” She begged with her heart dangling from her sleeve.

Sana had worn me down with her words. My walls were falling, and I was losing myself to her again. “I’m afraid, Sana. When we’re good, we’re really good but when we’re bad, we only tear each other down. I don’t want to walk away from this, with a lingering bitter after taste. I want to be able to look back and acknowledge the fact that we made each other happy for a time. “

Her lips trembled as she delivered the final blow to my heart. “I can’t move on from us. I can’t be happy knowing that I’m the reason why we ended.”

“That’s not fair Sana.” I fought back