[ eugene → olympia: DECEMBER 27TH 7AM ]

Wheein takes the wheel after Kibum gets back up from the curb. Taeyeon sits next to her, and the world doesn’t seem alright anymore. She never really liked driving and now she would be driving for four hours. It’ll be okay, she tries to reassure herself, but this drive is completely different from the others. This isn’t some soul-searching 8pm drive, or rain at 3pm, but the early morning when the world is starting to wake up. Her body aches a little and when the party is over, she tries to tell herself that things are going to be okay in the end, but when everyone is wide awake and talking amongst themselves, she can feel it in her bones. This isn’t going to be as easy as she thinks it is. And maybe, it’s not because of the driving, not because of the cars, but because her life as she knows it is going to change. It’s dramatic, but she can feel the claws of her worst nightmares gripping onto her spine. It’s waiting for her to get there. It’s waiting for her, smiling, almost inviting her to come and join the other side.

The hours turn into minutes as she drives towards Olympia. The chatter is endless. As they get closer to Olympia, there’s no evidence of snow. The one reason why Wheein goes to Olympia is because of snow, and in all the confusion, there hasn’t been any snow whatsoever. There has been nothing but gray skies and rain. No one seems to remember though. No one even seems to notice that there isn’t snow in Olympia. They’re just going on what Wheein says. This all started with Wheein and it will end with her too.

Wheein likes it better that way because the real reason isn’t something she’d like to reveal. Her body trembles as she gets closer to her exit. She tenses as she turns left then straight then right and parks at a house. It’s a familiar house to her. The wood is painted a peach color. The windows still seem so empty. The conversation grows cold when she parks. She doesn’t hear anything that the three of them are asking. She stares at the house. The lights have all turned off. It seems almost abandoned when there are no flowers in winter. The rain gets to the soil and it’s all brown. This is something she’s used to.

“Are we at the right place, Wheein?” Taeyeon asks. Her legs feel like jelly. The others might think it’s because she doesn’t drive as often as people would want her to, but she knows the real reason why she’s there. Her thoughts are heavy. This is it. This is the moment to reveal it all.

“My friend’s gone for the weekend. She left the key under a mat, it’ll be okay,” she says with an empty smile. She lies. She doesn’t have the courage to tell them anything. She tricks everyone with a few words, they’re reassured, they’re okay, and she’ll play this game.

When she opens the door, she watches as everyone runs off in some direction, but her steps are careful. No one would ever know why she doesn’t put her things in the bedroom. They will never know why she chooses the tiny town of Olympia. Her steps are calculated and when she goes into the living room, she collapses to the ground. Driving is scary, but this is scarier. Her nightmares start their game. This is all part of the plan.

“Wheein, where are yo-”

Wonwoo finds her staring at photos of her, photos of her family, of her parents, and he realizes that this was never about the snow. He sees cracked frames and smiling faces. Wonwoo never knew about what lies underneath the surface level. Wheein has always been so quiet when it comes to her struggles. She may hint what they are from time to time, but he never expected her to be on the floor crying, breaking down to a picture he has never seen in his life. This is what her lowest point looks like, and he’s dumbfounded. The days when she changed courses in their conversation to him starts to make sense. Wheein is the strongest person he’s ever met in his life and he knows almost nothing about it.

In front of the two is a death anniversary date, from December 28th three years ago. Wonwoo is frozen. He has no idea what to do. He’s confused and lost, and he has no idea what Wheein is feeling.

There are silent sobs as she cries. December 28th is their death anniversary. December 28th, she loses her family. She doesn’t make up for the fact that she’s been a terrible daughter to her mother. She can’t make up the times when she almost gave up on her life. She can’t promise her father that she’ll grow up and be his favorite daughter. She can’t remind herself that she’ll be better in the future. And she doesn’t take Wonwoo’s hug, but she continues to cry on the ground. Because after realizing she would never get to him, she doesn’t want him to know about her problems. His warmth isn’t wanted and she wants to scream to leave her alone, but she can’t even find the words anymore. The world is selfish and cruel.

Her body quakes. This house is as empty as her apartment in Los Angeles. It is as empty as the days when she pretends to care about something and everything. The mantra of things will get better don’t continue. And it’s not long before her silent sobs become chokes. Salty tears roll down her cheeks and onto the hardwood floor. December 28th, she loses her mother to Alzheimer’s and she forgets who Wheein is for the last time. December 28th is when her father gives up on living because everything around him reminds him of her. They know nothing. They don’t know anything and she continues to sob on the ground. No one knows that there is no snow in Olympia, but she wishes that there is. It would soften this blow. Her parents always loved playing in the snow with her.

“I lied.”

And she looks up at Wonwoo with a heavy heart. “I lied about this trip. I just wanted to-”

The words get stuck in , her smile disappears, and she waits for something, for a miracle, for something that would be the reason why she’s still here. Nothing comes out. And Wonwoo is still stuck in his position. He's still frozen. He can't help but blame himself for not knowing a little bit of this. Whenever he asked her how she was, he knew she was never okay, but she still played it off like she was. He tells her day to day that it's okay not to be okay. And yet, she never took the time to tell him anything about it. He's shell shocked and broken by his friend. He wants to say something, anything, but he finds himself at a loss for words. The person he's most comfortable with leaves him speechless like they're strangers. It's a thought he doesn't expect to have. Wheein is a stranger to him. It shakes him.

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you Wheein."

She stares at him. He knows that behind those tears, she's going to apologize for never telling him, but they never come out. Instead, she's empty and staring at him is the only indication that she can even hear him over her own misery. She tries to say something, but she chokes on her tears instead. She doesn’t know when Kibum gets there, she doesn’t know when Taeyeon starts holding her close, but she’s staring at the photo on the middle of the wall. The last one of her family all together. She hates herself. She hates that there is no family left for her. And she continues to cry. She buries her body into Taeyeon. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

“There should have been snow, there has to be a reason, there just has to be something!” she cries out incoherently. It’s all nonsense, but she wants a sign. She wants a calling, she wants something to tell her that she won’t have to take on the world alone. There is nothing. The three of them wrap their arms around her. Her body still shakes, still mourns over the loss of her parents years ago.

It’s all a lie. There’s no snow. There’s no beauty. There’s nothing at the end for any of them. It’s all a fraud and it’s her fault. Everyone hushes her, wrap their arms around her shivering body and tries to keep her safe.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she sobs. It’s the only thing they can hear from her correctly. They hover over her, warmth in their eyes, and she knows that they have already forgiven her for something like this. It’s in the overwhelming amount of love that she receives from these three people does she realize that they aren’t just in it for some road trip, but the adventure that it comes with. The adventure includes every little bump, emotion, and action. It’s when she can feel the warmth against her skin does she understand this. The nightmares shrink away because these three are part of the dream she always wanted.

After a few more minutes, she smiles at them all, and Kibum offers to go buy some alcohol because Wheein scores him a date and because everyone needs to get drunk after this kind of trip. Wonwoo follows with him and Taeyeon stays with her. They sit in the darkness.

“So Miss Wheein, what is the C’est La Vie Club? Wonwoo told me you wanted him to join it.”

Wheein holds her hand. There are some things that need to be held when you tell a story. Some of it includes the punchlines, the mystery, the drama, but this one requires the sweetness of someone else’s hands.

“My parents’ wish.”

When Wheein tried to commit suicide, it was about three months after her parents passed away. Pretending to be perfect, trying to live up to what she thought were her parents’ dying wishes, ended up taking up a toll on her soul. There was nothing she really wanted from life. She was still bargaining with God that they would come back to life and that this was all a dream.

She popped the pills just so that she could see her parents one more time. They left on bad terms. Her mother forgot about the fact that she was in college. She didn’t even recognize her daughter. And she just wanted her to make her proud. It was strange. Wheein thought the only way to see them happy was getting money and getting good grades. It was what made them happy before. How was it supposed to change? But before she could even show off the fact that she graduated from community college, try one more time to make her mother know who she was, she disappeared, it was too much. Her father disappeared soon after. In Greek tragedy format, he died because of the grief of losing his wife. It happened so suddenly that she didn’t know what to do but to slither away from the world and lock herself up with misery.

Fear ran through Wheein’s body. She was one of the remaining members of her own family. She made plans for the funeral, she relied on outside family to help her, but things felt too empty. Things were always somewhat empty. Even in the will, there wasn’t much said. She was given an envelope from her parents after the meeting. She didn’t open it until she was in the hospital, until she thought she was going to see them at the gates of heaven.  

And in a letter that was written in Korean, she only could read the French words, c’est la vie. It was a term that her father used too often when they went somewhere.

He got hurt on the job, c’est la vie. He got his money stolen, c’est la vie. If his wife was angry at him because he didn’t put away the dishes, c’est la vie.

It became a running joke between the two of them. C’est la vie means life happened. And while a part of her soul disappeared, she realized that this was just another thing she had to remember. C’est la vie. The world was cruel and to continue to live in it would always be a courageous decision. So, in honor of learning and moving on, Wheein wanted to create a club of some sort, not only that, but she wanted to make a place home again. Her parents found a home in each other. She wanted what they had.

“Mind if I join?” Taeyeon asks, breaking her from her reverie. Wheein’s eyes brighten up and she hugged her. There is something amazing about it all. There is something infinitely sweet about the words that she asked. It is as though she wants to be part of her family. Her eyes stare into hers so warmly, so sincerely, that she couldn’t help but cry. It’s with that kindness that Wheein embraces her. She knows that things are going to be okay with her support. “You are lovely,” she whispers into her ear. And it's the first affirmation she hears out loud in so long that she almost cries again. “I'm so glad that you broke my window.”

And laughter ensues, consuming everything that is around them. This is what Wheein misses from her life. The sweet sound of laughter, the feeling as though she belongs somewhere, the kindness of being around other people who want to be around her. This is what it's all about in the very end. When Wonwoo and Kibum come back, the two are laughing about their lives, learning more and more, and Taeyeon is the one to ask Kibum if he wants to join. He raises the alcohol bottles in the air, and she knows that it's all going to end just the way it needs to end. They sit against the peach walls of her childhood, take mugs out of the cabinets that she used to call her own, pour the contents of a new beginning, sparking apple cider, into them and recall tales of their adventure. They relish in Kibum’s off-key singing, Taeyeon’s nagging in her car, Wonwoo’s bad jokes, and Wheein’s excitement for anything and everything.

If this is what a family is like, she’d like to spend the rest of eternity with them. They clink their mugs and in the afternoon's darkness, laugh their sorrows away. She wants what her parents had. She’s slowly finding it in these people. She’s finding a home.