[ redding → eugene DECEMBER 27TH 1AM ]

Kibum has no idea why the hell he decides to take the one in the morning drive. He has no idea why he says yes to it when the last two days, all four of them have been getting up at 8 in the morning and are out on the road by ten. He honestly doesn’t understand any of it. Instead, he blames it on his headache. And it makes sense because Kibum is just incredibly unlucky because the only person alive during this part of the trip is Wheein which shouldn’t surprise him. She’s awake at three am and asleep by four am. But when no one can bump music, it’s disappointing. It’s just Wheein in the shotgun seat and Taeyeon and Wonwoo who are sleeping away. He steals glances from time to time, but Wheein is listening to the throwback pop songs quietly. And, someone of her age probably doesn’t even know much about anything so why would he even try to bring up his own problems? He’ll bring up some of hers.

“You keep saying c’est la vie, why?” he asks. Wheein looks away from the road, pops open his glove department, steals a cigarette and lights it up with the lighter. Her fingers handle the cigarette so adeptly, that he’s surprised. The bright eyes disappear once again as she puffs away at the smoke. Her free-spirited smile turns into a coyness, and he’s in awe once again at her sudden changes.

“Because life has a weird way of working. I didn’t think I’d end up trying to commit suicide when I was eighteen. I ed up my stomach lining pretty bad. Swallowed cherry flavored charcoal and had a grand time in the hospital for three nights and three days,” she states. It’s a strange thing to bring up at one in the morning, but he realizes that Wheein is alive at this time and what rolls off her tongue is often the most interesting. “It’s to the point that some days, I think my expiration date is coming soon. That’s life,” she answers. She takes a puff of his cigarettes, exhales out the window and turns to Kibum. “What’s keeping you from living nowadays?” she asks.

Jinki flashes back in his mind. Their conversations play again and again. Their memories, their time together, everything little detail. He loses it all. Kibum loses the love of his life and there is something so wrong about it. There is something so preciously wrong with everything that they were, but he still wants it back. “What I think is love,” he answers seriously. Wheein takes another puff, the smoke dances out the window. The cold air hits both of them hard and Kibum doesn’t mind. It’s refreshing. Two strangers talk about life on the freeway.

“Love is a choice, isn’t it?”

Kibum snorts. “It’s harder when it’s in practice though. Do you stay with the person hoping they change, or do you leave because then things will change?” he questions. Wheein smokes. Kibum changes the station.

“Do you think it’ll change?” she questions again. What’s the point in asking though? Kibum glances at Wheein, who plays with his lighter without much thought. There’s a flame and then it disappears. There’s a flame and it’s dangerous, but she always puts it out before it can get to that point. There’s a flame and then there’s not.

“When you stay? I really thought there could have been a change,” he answers. The flame is gone.

“You don’t make that decision, do you?” The flame reappears. “It only takes one person to turn around and call it quits.” He’s annoyed because he doesn’t expect this to happen. He doesn’t expect a random girl to be asking about his life choices and life decisions and who’s at fault. Wheein is literally only twenty-one and asking him straight out of life questions. It’s not actually that fair. But it makes sense. A relationship has always been a two way street. It’s never been anything less than a two-way street. And if someone gives up, do you continue to persuade or do you do it as well?

“But you can always persuade them to come back.”

She looks away from the lighter and stares past him. “That’s still up to the person. At the end of the day, love is still a choice. And if that idiot decides that you aren’t worth staying for, then they can kiss your goodbye. You deserve better than that,” she finishes. She takes out another cigarette, stares at it for a bit, and throws it back into the pouch. Kibum swears he should never take love advice from a twenty-one year old, but for some reason he might.

“The relationship didn’t work, but at least you know yourself better, and you know that you can find someone better for you. Humans all have faults. Don’t live swimming through your past. It’s better to learn and to forgive yourself than to be afraid of the future because of this one thing,” she finishes. He swears Wheein isn’t twenty-one.

He never asks Wheein for her advice, but she’s already on a roll and there’s no way she’s going to stop. He changes lanes and tries to recall all the memories he has with Jinki. He remembers their last fights. Kibum is learning, and even after a week he starts to see the errors of his ways. The girl gets quiet. Her eyes look out the window one more time.

“Have you ever been in love?” he asks Wheein. She opens to utter a name, but she doesn’t, and he swears she was going to say she’s in love with Wonwoo. She doesn’t though. Because whenever he sees her with Wonwoo, he can’t help but wonder if she knows that she actually loves him in a romantic sense and that she could live her whole life with him. There’s just something about the two that makes it a possibility.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I’m not old enough to answer that question yet,” she laughs. It’s a strange thought to hear from a twenty-one year old, but he smiles. At least, she understands that she’s pretty damn young too. They don’t say anything for awhile, and it’s all good until Wheein looks over to Kibum with alert eyes.

“I need to pee like really bad,” Wheein whines.

And, in most cases, he would tell her to go hide in the bushes, do her business and get her back in the car, but there is no desperation, and she’s also a girl. “Are we even close to Oregon?” she continues to whine. Her hands grab his collar and she complains, “This is some dead serious business, Kibum.” It’s probably true, but Kibum also doesn’t understand how they can go from 0 to 60 real quick. First they’re talking about love and then they’re talking about pee.

“You are so lucky this car needs some gas,” he replies after her whining stops long enough for him to get in some answers. He gets off the closest exit and starts his way to the nearest gas station. They’re also really lucky they’re in Oregon where there is no tax. Why couldn’t the rest of America be like that? He parks in front of a gas pumping station while Wheein steals his cash and disappears into the gas station. She’s jumping up and down, eyes frantic, and honestly, this is all kind of really funny to him. Because, he still doesn’t know how it can go from silence to emergency so quickly. It helps him though. It takes his mind off things. Everything is alright now. He doesn’t think about love for a moment. And he’s expecting the person who’s getting out of the gas mart is Wheein so he rolls down his window and almost shouts her name but realizes it isn’t Wheein.

Instead, it’s a girl who has an uniform on and is headed towards his car. She has dark hair, almost boyish hair, and a cocky grin on her face. Oh, he forgets that Oregon has people that pump gas into their cars. And, he’s a bit shocked that there’s a girl who’s going to be doing that for him. He’s kind of shocked that it isn’t Wheein. He really wishes it was Wheein because then he wouldn’t have to be somewhat formal.

“Was that your girlfriend?” the girl starts. Her voice is low and casual. At four in the morning, he doesn’t understand how someone can’t be cranky. He gets angry when he doesn’t have at least eight hours of sleep, but she just stands there with a casual smile on her face. “She looked like she needed to go, bad,” she continues. And, usually, Kibum is repulsed by strangers who talk like this, but for her, it’s oddly charming. He lowers his defense.

“Girls who need to go to the bathroom really bad aren’t really my type,” he replies. And, honestly, he isn’t the type to be making pee jokes, but it’s literally four am and he needs sleep. That headache is also still present and it’s bothering him, but that’s besides the point.  There’s just a really attractive girl pumping gas into his favorite car.  This girl is probably just attractive to him because he’s going crazy. There’s some kind of halo around her head and if this is what Jinki thinks is seeing a future with someone else, well, he’s starting to understand.

The girl laughs and shrugs her shoulders. “I’m sure that she’s someone’s type. I’m Amber,” she introduces. Amber, it’s a name that definitely fits someone like her. This is the first time in a while that he feels as though he can be comfortable around someone. And, it’s also the first time that he feels like he has to say something before time is up. “Where ya from?” she asks. There’s only a few more seconds before she has to go away and where the heck is Wheein?

“Los Angeles,” he says with a smirk as a surprised look appears on her face. Where does this smirk even come from?

“Isn’t that ten hours away from here? Where are you headed?” she asks.

“Olympia,” he says and as if on cue, Wheein comes out with a relieved look on her face. When Wheein comes back to her seat, she looks at the two with a curious smile. And even after only knowing Wheein for a few days, he knows that if he doesn’t say anything, she’ll force herself to say something. He covers with his left hand and says, “Before my friend can ask you for me, can I get your number? We’ll be in town for a few hours and maybe we can get some breakfast or coffee.”

Amber laughs and it sounds pretty great like better than any tea that he has at Taeyeon’s apartment. He’s not infatuated, no, definitely not. He just thinks Amber is kind of attractive and she makes funny bathroom jokes. It’s a plus in Kibum’s book.

“I actually get off in half an hour so if you wanna wait around. I can show you around,” Amber says, and Wheein flings away Kibum’s hand from .

“It’s a yes, it’s a one hundred percent yes!” Wheein exclaims. Kibum literally has no idea why Wheein wants to play Cupid for him, but he’s not going to force her to stop or anything. Amber smiles and Kibum is awe struck. She heads back to the mart and Kibum glares at Wheein. “What? I was doing you a huge favor,” Wheein shoots back.

“She’s pretty cute,” a sleepy Taeyeon comments out of nowhere.

“When did you get up?”

‘“About two minutes ago when you were so smooth about that breakfast thing. Wonwoo heard it too.”

“Yeah.”

“Lol, you really thought that you trying to hit on that girl was going to go unnoticed,” Wheein comments, earning a bop on her head.

He literally hates all of them right now. This is what he gets for deciding to do the night shift when someone else could have done it. But he has to thank Wheein too because if it wasn’t for her bladder they wouldn’t be getting breakfast with a pretty girl. He also has to thank Amber because now he could get a thirty minute nap in. He’s feeling hashtag blessed right now.

[ eugene DECEMBER 27TH 5AM ]

Like Amber says, she gets off at five, tells him to follow behind her 90s corolla and they go to a nearby IHOP. Wheein is teasing Kibum, Taeyeon is occasionally adding in her own jokes, and Wonwoo is saying nothing because there’s no point in using his sarcasm. Kibum is already a mess. Kibum is incredibly worried that this is going to go bad. He’s nervous that he’ll screw up after a few minutes, or that he won’t be ready to move on from Jinki. And while it’s all for good and fun, it doesn’t ease his nerves. He returns to Jinki at the end of the day, but now Jinki goes to someone else and it’s hard to stop the scene happening in his mind. Jinki is happy with someone else. Jinki is kissing someone else. Couldn’t his mind just stop playing these games? He doesn’t want to watch it anymore.

“You’re going to be fine,” Taeyeon reassures before Wheein locks her arms with her, enters the IHOP, and smiles brightly in his direction.  “She’s going to know how great you really are,” Wheein adds on. He laughs at his two girls who are trying to feel like the king of the world. It works for a bit, but there's something else that bothers him.

“Anger management and everything,” Wheein teases. He's going to kill her someday.

But there are still butterflies in his stomach, he’s still wondering if this is all going to be worth it. But when she comes out of her car with a baseball cap on backwards, a sweatshirt and joggers, he relaxes. He always loved that kind of style on a girl. He takes out his phone real quick, scrolls for Jinki’s name but then puts his phone away. No, he won’t let him know about his life.

They get a booth. Wheein sits next to him with Taeyeon on the other side. Amber sits across from him and Wonwoo is right across from Wheein. While the other three try to start some introduction, Kibum is still staring at Amber, and it’s like all the first feelings of a crush is drowning him. It’s crazy because he doesn’t think this just happens so suddenly, all at once, or anything at all. What Jinki tells him when they fought doesn’t make any sense, how can someone see a future with someone after knowing for someone in such a little amount of time. He smiles at her because he’s starting to see something though, definitely not what he thinks Jinki sees, but something.

And while the other three are having a discussion about something or anything, Amber is still smiling at Kibum. It’s like they’re the only two in the room. All the outside conversation is just white noise and these two are just having a conversation. He gets a sample platter and Amber gets a seasonal favorite.

“So what are you doing in Olympia, Cali Boy?”  Amber starts and that sounds so good coming from her lips. The Jinki thoughts start to disappear. This is what moving on probably feels like.

“I’m not sure either. My ‘girlfriend’ wants to see snow,” he jokes. Wonwoo shoots him a glare and he knows that Wonwoo is going to be confessing that he likes Wheein later tonight. “Do you like it around here?” he continues.

“Yeah, it’s a nice town and I have a steady job so it’s comfortable,” she answers. When their food gets there, they talk between bites. He’s enamored by her words, by their conversation, how easy it becomes to talk to someone like her, and if this is what a crush is like, please let him experience it some more. The world is just blurry and she’s the only thing he can see in focus.

When it’s all over, he gets her number, and he tells her to call him sometime. He has an empty apartment and he would love some company. She laughs at his straightforwardness as she puts her number in his phone. She says goodbye first.

And he reminds himself that this is what moving on feels like. He has to let go of Jinki. Taeyeon sits next to him on the curb outside of IHOP. He looks out into the distance, lost in his thoughts. He’s lost in his own world. The faraway look in his eyes is obvious, but she still sits there.

“You okay?” she asks and he squeezes his hand.

Kibum pulls out his phone one more time, stares at Jinki’s number from his contacts, and stares blankly out in the world. He knows this isn’t love. He knows that he won’t jump onto Amber and start the same way that Jinki starts. He’s better than that then he looks down at Amber’s number. He doesn’t want to follow in Jinki’s path.

He deletes her number. It’s not because he doesn’t think that she’s a wonderful girl because she really is. But it’s because he can’t jump into something right now. He can’t be comparing his own steps to Jinki’s. Amber is a wonderful person, but when he sits down on that curb with Taeyeon asking if he’s okay, he knows this won’t be solved with another girl. He shouldn't drag anyone into his life when he still has so many points to work on. He knows that it's easier to get over someone when you find someone else, but if he rushes into something too fast, it would be scarier. He doesn't want someone just because he wants to be loved. There are some things about himself that he has to work on before he jumps into something again. And so, when she asks him the question, he looks up and smirks.

"Now I am," he comments. This is the Kibum Taeyeon knows. The one who wears an oddly patterned suit at his first college party, still knows how to make the right decision. He wraps an arm around her shoulder and stares into the distance with her. "We'll be okay in the end," he comments. They both know it.