[ san francisco → redding: DECEMBER 27TH  10AM ]

“Thanks for letting us stay,” Wheein compliments with a giant smile on her face. Wonwoo smiles as he watches his best friend hug her newly acquired friend even though she barely said a word to him last night.

“Let me know if you’re ever in town again. Next time, I’ll buy you dinner,” he chuckles. Wheein nods her head energetically and helps out with the sleeping bags. It's just Jiyong and Wonwoo standing in front of the house. Jiyong opens his mouth to say something but quickly shuts it. Wonwoo isn’t sure if he wants to hear it anyways. It’s not long before Taeyeon sweeps Jiyong off his feet and takes him off to the side.

It leaves Wonwoo with Kibum. The guy is taking a cigarette break, and Wonwoo takes one off his hands. He has  a debate whether or not he should try something new or abide to norm that cigarettes are bad. It’s just something he’s so used to that he wouldn’t mind never trying a cigarette in his whole life. The cat boy offers him a light and Wonwoo shakes his head. They sit on Jiyong’s porch, listening to the engine revving, his neighbors starting a new day, and then in silence.

The older one exhales the cigarette smoke and it reminds Wonwoo of freezing temperatures that Los Angeles isn’t used to. He remembers winters in New York and how his family always vacationed in beautiful places. Nowadays, his family is too busy getting everything they want that he hides in his room. They want him to be something that he isn’t. Kibum stubs away his cigarette.

“Nice morning, isn’t it?” he asks. It’s pretty cloudy even though it was sunny the day before. “I heard it’s going to rain,” Kibum continues. Wonwoo doesn’t mind because he loves the rain and loves everyone who complains about the rain.

“It’ll be nice if it rains,” Wonwoo answers. Kibum and Wonwoo don’t really speak after it. Wheein shouts that the car is all packed up and that they’re ready to go. The two exchange a glance and Wonwoo doesn’t really know what it means, but he shrugs his shoulders and they get into the car. Wonwoo takes the driver’s seat, Kibum takes shotgun while Taeyeon and Wheein take the back seats. They all wave away to Jiyong and Kibum starts the radio game.

Like Kibum says, it starts to rain, and while it’s a damper on everyone else’s mood, Wonwoo enjoys the raindrops that fall on windshield. He smiles whenever there’s rain because there's a reason why the rain comes and goes. In the spring, it helps flowers bloom, and in the time of drought, everyone begs for it. So, Wonwoo smiles brightly at the rain while Kibum continues to complain that there probably won’t be snow because the rain would wash it all away. Wonwoo slowly stops paying attention to everyone else’s conversations and is lost in his thoughts and driving.

Most people would want them to stay present with them. Most people would complain that Wonwoo is too into his own world and has to be taken out of it. But Wonwoo spends most of his time in that world of introspection. There are memories that play in his thoughts as he drives. Cars get angry because someone is going too slow, Wonwoo revels in it all. Memories with his family play in his head. Plans of what the future has to bring start to erase everything else around him. What is there to do next? What’s he going to do about his career? What is going to be perfect for his family and what can he do to make it possible? The drive goes pleasantly and like any other drive, people fall asleep, but Wheein is still awake and still humming along to songs that she knows. Of course she'd still be up with Wonwoo. It’s just how she is. Whenever he needs her, she’s right there with a patient smile on her lips.

“What are you thinking about?” Wheein asks when he enters traffic. And Wonwoo wants to pretend that he doesn’t hear her voice because right now, he doesn’t know if he’ll really be an engineer, or if he’ll do something as drastic as he thinks he will. The scenarios pop up in his mind and if he goes unemployed, he won’t know what to do next. The unknowing future is the scariest, he thinks to himself.

“My major. What’s going to happen next, the future,” he answers finally. The anxiety builds in him again and he doesn’t want to think about it. It makes his whole body shake. It makes him think about other people who could be involved with this life.  It means thinking that he’ll burden his family for the next few years because he doesn’t have a plan yet. It means that at his age he’ll have to make a big decision and most people don’t make those big decisions at this age. They’re usually older. “I have to figure it out,” he continues.

“Why? C’est la vie, remember?” Wheein asks. There are a few things that Wheein doesn’t understand and he knows that. They both know it. But sometimes, when it comes to real life, it feels like she’s in her own world where nothing could hurt her. If she can imagine it, do it, and live it, it doesn’t even scare her. And he has to wonder how she can live so recklessly like that. It makes him jealous because she has a worse chance at getting a job, but she doesn’t worry about it at all. She doesn’t even seem fazed by the fact that she might be unemployed after graduation.

“Because what I decide is going to affect my whole future. We can’t all live like you, Wheein. We can’t all just play games and just live as large as we like to. You have it easy. Can’t you see that privilege of yours?”

And it comes out all wrong. It comes out all wrong because she doesn’t even answer to that. She looks at him through the mirror and bites her lips. He doesn’t look back to know that she's sniffling. He can hear her trying to stop the tears from coming. It’s only for a few minutes, but it gets quiet in the car again. Wonwoo turns off the radio.

“Pull over,” Wheein mumbles. It’s so quiet that Wonwoo asks her to repeat what she just says so she does again. He doesn’t hear again. Wheein says it one more time and he pulls over. The other two groggily get up when they hear that the engine is off and they stare at each other.

Wheein makes them pull over near the Golden Gate Bridge.

“What the hell are you doing right now, Wheein?” Kibum groans as he tries to shake off his sleepiness. Taeyeon looks at Wheein in concern as well. Her nose is a bit red. Her eyes look a little glassy, but Wheein has a pitiful smile to put them to ease.

Wheein doesn’t say anything though. Instead, she gets out of the car like she’s possessed. She runs onto the bridge without looking back. Her eyes look past the bridge and she stares in disbelief. Wonwoo has never truly seen Wheein at her lowest point. He doesn’t even want to know what it’s like, but when she looks into the great water, something in him churns. It’s like he realizes that he's always been staring at a dead person. It’s like he’s looking at a shell of a person and everything she presented to them was an act. Wheein is one of the greatest actresses then. The other three run towards her. The girl looks at them with her inky orbs.

“This is second most used bridge for suicide. Do you even know what that means?” her voice sounds like it’s amazed and dead at the same time. Wonwoo is terrified that she’s going to jump off the bridge and get it right the second time, but she relaxes, her fingers grasp around the red bars, and she continues to look as far away as she appears. Kibum stares in disbelief when Taeyeon approaches her. Wonwoo starts to think that he's failed her as a friend.

Taeyeon wraps an arm around the girl’s shoulder though, rubs circles into her back, and Wonwoo doesn’t notice that Wheein is letting her tears fall slightly, oh so slightly. The feeling he has moments ago starts to surface. He's everything that most people would want. He's the perfect son. He's majoring in engineering. People want to date him. His sisters pretty much adore him. How is he failing?

Wheein whispers loud enough for Taeyeon to hear. Her body quakes a little, but Wonwoo just stands by Kibum, who doesn’t say anything and watches as the two just share a moment.

"Taeyeon's better at this than you might ever know," Kibum comments. It angers Wonwoo to no end. He's being shown up by some girl who doesn't even know Wheein's history. She's doing a better job at being a friend than he could. Wonwoo’s about to join them, but Kibum holds him back. “No, I don’t think she needs you,” he answers firmly. The comment breaks him a bit. But he’s right, she doesn’t need him. She needs someone who can actually listen to her for once. His own problems are stampeding over his whole body. “You shouldn’t continue to hurt people before you understand what you’ve done to them,” he adds, hinting that he heard the conversation in the car. “Things you want and things you have to do. Sometimes they align, sometimes you have to compromise, and other times they don’t align at all. What you do, is up to yourself.”

“Don’t be a ,” Kibum finishes as the two indulge in their moment. Kibum offers another cigarette. Wonwoo takes it and coughs because he doesn’t know how to smoke. It’s all part of the process, but he’s sure that he doesn’t want to partake in it. He just wants to be perfect. He has to make sure that he doesn't disappoint anyone. “C’mon on, let’s get going,” he says when they spend too much time outside in the rain. If things were perfect, they'd be on their way to Redding. Wonwoo stares at the girls though and when Wheein lays her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder. He can still hear the slight sobs from her. Things are never perfect.

Wheein doesn’t say a thing to him. She looks out the window and never once exchanges a look with Wonwoo. Maybe, it's for the better. He's too stressed out to worry about what Wheein thinks about him. He doesn't really care that she might be hurt by his feelings. He has too many problems and someone else is his last priority.

His mind wanders to all his life decisions again. They continue to play some game about life and death. What does he want in life? What does he need? It’s easier for him to play a supporting role than the main role. His fingers are tied and when he wants to apologize to Wheein, he only looks at the side profile and wonder what’s going through her mind right now. If he opens his mouth, he’ll know that it has to go back to him. It’ll only go back about him. He heeds Kibum's warning. Don't apologize if you don't know for sure what you've done wrong. He's too busy with his own problems to even see Wheein’s suffering. And so he suffers in silence. He doesn’t look for anything. He continues to drive north until they reach Redding. He can't solve every single problem he has.

[ redding: DECEMBER 27TH  3PM ]

Wonwoo and Wheein don’t say anything to each other when they get to the motel. They don’t look at each other in the eye. Taeyeon and Kibum notices it all, but they don’t say a word because Wheein tries her best to pretend that it doesn’t exist and Wonwoo is Wonwoo, a little bit oblivious. Instead, Taeyeon announces that the three of them are going to the beach because Kibum is complaining he isn’t sightseeing and Wheein loves running around in the rain. Wonwoo says he’ll catch up with them later. It's for the best, anyways.

Wonwoo decides to escape too. He leaves for a coffee shop, feet heavy with questions that he doesn’t have the answers to. The questions he asks over the past few weeks start to be a heavy backpack for him. As he wanders aimlessly, the questions start to play in the background. And while others have been telling him what to do with his life, he finally takes the time to do something about it all. His friends tell him their ideas, tells him about their advice, and he takes it all into consideration. It’s out of care that they want the best for him.

Maybe, he’ll take a gap year and go get an internship, volunteer, travel. Maybe, he’ll own an apartment and have an 9 to 5 job like anyone else. Maybe, he’ll go straight to graduate school like others he knows. Maybe, he’ll live at home and not worry about rent and help out in any way he can. They are all good paths to take. They are all decent ideas, but as he continues to let his feet touch the concrete, he’s not sure. Is this what he wants? Is this what’s best for him? He’s been praying for a long time, wondering when those answers might come to him. Maybe, the deity above will give him the answer he needs, and maybe this is karma for his past life being so terrible, but everything lately is a simple what if. One day, he’s pretty sure of something. The next day, he isn’t very sure that it’s the right path. He slowly tries to get his mind into the right state, he tries to tie everything up in a nice bow and let it dissipate into the rain. Except, none of it really does. Things don’t work out as easily as he’d like them to.

If he doesn’t do what his parents do, he disappoints them, but he doesn’t make himself happy. Can he find solace in that? Is he going to be okay with what he’s ending with? Will he be able to get on his feet? Will he even be working in the right way? It aches in all the wrong places. And when he tries to remember what this is all about, he can’t put his finger on the reason why he’s doing this again. The thoughts continue to race. The stimulation leaves him anxious because there aren’t answers coming to him. Graduation is approaching him. An abstract idea is approaching him and he has to get his act together before he receives that piece of paper. It’s scary.

There aren’t any kind of solutions. When would it all stop? The rain hits him again and again, and he continues not knowing what the answers are. The sky continues to cry as he tries to figure out every aspect of his life, but it isn’t that easy. Some things don’t come to a resolution. Sometimes, there aren’t going to be answers when he wants them. He’ll be stuck with them until the future becomes the present. The rain continues to drown his every anxious thought. It shakes his body and he’s not sure how long he’s been walking in the rain, but it’s long enough to know that he lost track of time.

As he opens the door to the cafe, he realizes he’s dripping wet because the sprinkling turned into a downpour. Lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t even notice that he’s shivering because of the rain. The smell of coffee beans welcome him. The quiet chatter comfort him. What is chaos outside is peacefulness inside. As each soaked step gets him closer to the register, his thoughts start to simmer and he’s left with the mindless atmosphere of the coffee shop. Not knowing the future is always scarier. But when she asks why, it isn’t why is the future so important, but why is he thinking about it when he hasn’t even decided what time he’ll get up in the morning. And that misunderstanding of the question becomes the reason why she stops speaking.

He orders some kind of coffee and sits down in the corner of the coffee shop. As he drinks, he realizes that a part of him is trying to understand what he’s done wrong about their conversation. Wheein only asks a question and he becomes jealous of something that doesn’t make sense. Wheein, who has problems like the rest of them, just wants to understand it all. She doesn’t compare herself to him, and only asks why. He buys another eight ounce chai tea and his feet continue to move without thinking.

The rain stops and his thoughts that are so muddled before are starting to clear up. The world is so focused on what’s going to happen in the future that they forget about the present. Wonwoo remembers that as the day gets closer, he’ll have a clearer idea of what he wants to do with his life. Six months is enough time to truly understand what’s going to happen. But thinking about the future now, it’s a little silly. It’s silly to want answers that might not come without more time. He thinks about the future as though his life will be based on this one decision, and that's scary to think about. But life isn't a domino effect. Life doesn't magically clear up when he thinks he has the answer. It continues to baffle and surprise its inhabitants. Why think about the future when you don't even know what life will unfold in the next hour? When he gradautes, he'll have a piece of paper in his hands, and that doesn't define where he goes afterwards.

His wandering legs find their way to the beach that Taeyeon speaks about. While Kibum and Taeyeon are drinking a few beers, and reminiscing some of their younger years, Wheein sits off to the side, watching the waves crash onto the beach. Her figure shivers in the cold, but he back hugs her, and whispers his confessions into her ear.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I’ve been envious of the things I thought you didn't deal with. You just always look like you know what you're up to. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say those words. I really am sorry that I’ve been focused on myself without realizing any of what you’ve gone through.”

Wheein smiles because Wonwoo is making her soaking wet and he doesn’t even care. She smiles because he gets her chai tea. His shirt clings to his body, he shivers and tries to make sure that every little bit of him is sorry for the words that come out of his mouth. He’s always been too jealous of a girl who is just trying to make life work for her.

“Thank you. I want to let you know that I’m there for you and will support any kind of decision you make in the future. I’m sure people know better than me about these things so please rely on them too. I appreciate that you understand that you don't have all the details. Thank you for apologizing.”

Wonwoo breathes in relief. He takes a seat next to her while they watch the waves crash. Her warmth radiates towards him. There is a chance to be forgiven he remembers. With a blinding smile like Wheein’s, how could he even forget that? She takes a sip of the now cold chai tea and smiles again. "Thanks for the chai, it's yummy." He smiles as well.

“Are you lovebirds done? Jesus, watching you two was like watching five year olds solve their problems!” Kibum grumbles. Wheein laughs. She raises a bag of all the good s’mores stuff and comes running over. Wonwoo laughs because it's kind of the truth. And he doesn’t mind, doesn’t mind at all. There are still some foggy parts of his problems, but they'll reveal themselves as long as he continues to work on them.