[ los angeles → san francisco: DECEMBER 26TH  7PM ]

“I’m sending you pic after pic, I’m gonna get you fired!”

“Slay, my queen, slaaay!”

Taeyeon isn’t surprised that the very first thing that happens is that Wonwoo turns on the radio and Kibum yells that “Work From Home” is his hoe anthem. It really isn’t something she should be surprised. Kibum starts doing body rolls in his seat, typical. And it’s not that fascinating to know that Kibum’s diva flair is contagious because Wheein starts to body roll with her friend and sings along to the music. Kibum is still the same eighteen year old she knows from college.

However, she is surprised that Wonwoo is rapping to the song. She's surprised that it literally takes the boy three minutes to go from scary looking college student to complete dork. It’s kind of interesting. She thought it would take Wonwoo more time to get out of his shell, but it doesn't take as long as she thinks it does. Whenever she looks at her backview mirror, she can see is Kibum flipping his head back and forth and Wheein jiving a little too hard.

“Can you make it clap, no hands for me?” Wonwoo raps and Wheein shouts with an ‘aye!’ While Kibum joins the kid and shows him up hardcore. No one seems to really care that Kibum wins. Wheein is too busy laughing her off, Kibum is still smiling along to the music, and even frigid and nervous Wonwoo has eased up a little. “Putting overtime on your body,” Wonwoo finishes, pointing to Taeyeon, who cutely shimmies her shoulders, joining in the festivities.

“Bro, you’re putting overtime in Mingyu’s body!” Wheein exclaims and Wonwoo almost throws a shoe at her for the incredulous statement. He takes off a shoe and she can smell the stench from where she sits. Oh, there would be none of that in her baby.

“There will be no shoe throwing in my car, got it?!” Taeyeon shouts over the chaos and all three stare at each other with a look of pure mischief and possible guilt. But it also stops Wonwoo from throwing a pair of Vans at Wheein. His red face is the same shade as his Vans. Somewhere in the middle of the Fifth Harmony mess, the four lighten up and there’s a moment when Taeyeon can just feel everything change so suddenly. It’s a wonderful change that she isn’t expecting so early in the car ride. She thought it would take a few hours to get to this point, but Wheein and Kibum are both hype masters and that kind of hype is infectious.

This is a very abrupt change in atmosphere. A few nights ago, the four of them were having a serious discussion about how they were going to get to Olympia, and now they are riding in her pastel blue beauty, jamming to the top 100 hits. She can feel the energy radiating off the three and onto her. It reminds her of the days when her sorority sisters screamed at the top of their lungs to songs that they all knew. And when the right song was on, all of them would be singing along a little too loud, a little too brightly and a little too off key. It’s nostalgic, but she’s with new people and a new crew. It's not college anymore.

“She’s a bad thang!” Wheein starts when Wonwoo changes the station to one of her favorite songs and everyone is rapping to “Caroline.” Because who thought a road trip would be complete without Amine, or Drake, or Rihanna? Not these guys.

“Fine as hell, thick as !” Kibum and Wonwoo shout out. It’s an interesting thing, really. The two of them rapping together isn't something that she would imagine. Taeyeon watches as the two continue the rap and Wheein occasionally raps along. But most of all, it seems like everyone is having a good time. It’s one song after the other and no one sees the end in sight. It’s loud and perfect and it reminds her of when she was twenty, when everything was simpler and more beautiful. When the only things she used to talk about was how dumb her classes were, or the drama in her sorority, or how she felt so out of place when she should have felt like belonged to her. She smiles when Kibum locks eyes with her in the mirror. They grin and Kibum mouths some advice that she’ll never be able to decipher.

[ I-5 N → san francisco: DECEMBER 26TH  10PM ]

But somewhere in the middle of the traffic jam towards San Francisco, everyone disappears into slumber. The radio stops playing for a little and Taeyeon is the only one alive while everyone naps. Well, except for Wonwoo, who is still staring out the window, watching the zooming cars pass by. Taeyeon hums to the radio while a sigh escapes his lips. She isn’t sure why, but she wants to ask anyways.

“How do you know Wheein?”

“She was in the hospital room that faced my room,” he starts off. His voice is like chocolate. The stammering stops and maybe it’s the fatigue in his body, but the words he speak come out fluidly and smoothly. There isn’t much in him anymore, but he can hear the engines of faster cars. Taeyeon takes a moment to swallow the fact that Wonwoo and Wheein don’t meet in a conventional place like school or youth group, or anything, but at a hospital. “It must have been her second day there because I remember seeing her looking at me the night before.” Taeyeon becomes quiet as he recalls the tale.

Wonwoo looked out his window when he saw her for the first time. Her light brown hair reminded him of fire and she looked at him with dead eyes. She tilted her head to the side as he stared at her. Looking around her room, she put a finger up to her lips. He watched as she walked around in her hospital scrubs. There was something lighthearted in her steps and her smile was everything he ever wanted. Even if the hospital was as dreary as he thought it was, she seemed to find some kind of solace.

When she came back, there were scribbles on a notebook that he deciphered.

“Hi, I’m Wheein.”

It’s obvious that she wasn't  used to writing so big, but he grabbed a notebook and a sharpie, wrote his name and started the conversation. He didn't notice that time started to move when he was writing her something. Her eyes were brighter than before and he looked happier too. They didn't exchange numbers. They ended the conversation when he had to leave for practice.

He just remembers doodling on his notebook as he waited for her replies, or stared at her focused face when it came to writing these responses. He remembers smiling when they made faces at each other and that ordinary day turned out to be one of his best days.

After he came back from his practice, Wheein opened up her window and shouted loud enough for him to hear, she asked, “Do you wanna join my club?” He said yes.

Wonwoo doesn’t regret any of it. He remembers her bright smile when he told her yes and the laugh when he told her that he’ll be her friend. It wasn't because she lacked friends, but because she hadn't felt like this in a very long time. So when Wonwoo energetically replied with a yes, she found herself smiling too hard, too big, and too amazed.

That's how they become friends. When Wheein is released, she walks over to his home, knocks on the door and gives him a hug. She gives him her number and says if there’s ever something he needs, let her know. And for once, Wonwoo doesn't have to play the guy who knows everything, he doesn't have to say that he wants to give up, she just smiles and tells him to rely on her. It is the sweetest thing anyone has done for him.

He looks at Taeyeon. She smiles wide for him to see and they share a secret. While Kibum and Wheein sleep, the two tell tales of their own past, of their own histories. They don't mind that traffic takes longer than usual. She listens to his stories with an open mind. He asks questions, she gives answers.

“What were you like when you were twenty?”

Taeyeon snorts. “Dumb, reckless, kind of ditzy. I did what any stereotypical college student did. Drank a lot, partied a lot, got really bad grades my first quarter, and figured it out as I got older.”

“Did you do anything you regretted?”

Taeyeon pauses a little. Is there anything she regrets? There are a lot of things she wishes she could change. She wishes that she didn't snitched on a few friends. She wishes that she could settle down earlier. She wishes that she did better in school. But then she remembers that these events all helped shape who she is today. A woman of integrity, kindness, and strength. It’s not a bad thing to get hurt. The radio hums quietly as she tries to figure out the answer.

“I guess not.”

“How do you know Kibum?” he asks.

“College is a weird time.”

Taeyeon was at her first college parties. She fitted into a dark bodycon dress, her lipstick was a pretty wine color, and everything screamed that she would be the belle of the party. Her slim legs slipped into black heels. She went with a few friends, but those girls disappeared the moment they entered the house. And while she could have gotten drunk off whatever they were serving and been like any other sorority girl, she found herself attracted to the blonde boy in the oddly patterned red suit.

He noticed her and smirked. It was an invitation for her to come see what he was really all about. As someone who didn’t have the experience with boys, she welcomed any kind of attention she could get. With an enticing walk, she came over to him with a smile, and things escalated from there.

“Did you kiss him?” Wonwoo asks.

It didn’t really work like that. Instead, he gave her a drink, and the first thing that came out of his mouth almost made the then 18 year old girl spit out her drink.

“You’re not really my type, but do you wanna make out and-or have because my friend wants to see if I can get any girls with this outfit,” he bluntly stated. She didn't know what to expect. Taeyeon wanted the college experience and if all the other girls were going to go home with a story, she wanted one too.

“Let me finish this drink and we’ll go from there,” she replied. There was a smirk on his lips. Taeyeon downed two more drinks, they skipped all the formalities, and the two had in someone’s bedroom. It was strange, looking back at it now, it was definitely a weird experience in the bedroom. They woke up the next morning, talking about classes, as though they've been friends for years.

Taeyeon was disgusted with herself. She gave consent to a man she didn't know. She didn't even know what would happen to them the next day. But she couldn’t help but be captivated by Kibum’s careless way of talking. If there was any kind of insecurity in her, Kibum washed it away because he was just like her. He was young and dumb. He didn't know what it was like to have a one night stand. He never even wanted it. He just knew that the girl across the room was incredibly pretty and instead of getting to know her, he just skipped to the best part.

When they left, she always seemed to find him without meaning to. Whether it be when she was headed to her next class, or him being in her class, there just seemed to be no way to avoid him. She gave up on trying to avoid the guy and had a talk with the guy.

She took it as a sign of fate that she had with some interesting looking guy would be her best friend. That was how life worked, odd and weird all at the same time.

“Did you ever become buddies?”

Taeyeon snorts. “Nah, he was into some pretty stuff. I just wanted a story.”

“College really is a weird time,” Wonwoo says, lying back on the chair. She takes a secret glance at Kibum through the mirror. She wouldn’t have had it any other way though. Kibum became one of her closest friends because of it.

And the traffic jam to San Francisco isn't as boring as she thinks it is. There are secrets they keep to themselves, but when she doesn't hear the stutter in his voice, she knows that they're closer than she would ever think they could be.

“Thanks for saying yes,” Wonwoo says.

There's a surge of happiness that she feels when he says the words. It's nothing that she would have expected and she enjoys it.

[ san francisco: DECEMBER 26TH  11:37PM ]

It's not long before they head towards someone’s neighborhood. She drives onto someone’s driveway and everyone slowly wakes up from their slumber. She knocks on the door and people are carrying their sleeping bags with a lethargic look on their faces. When the guy opens the door, no one really knows what to expect. Taeyeon’s smile widens and he pulls her into a hug. Kwon Jiyong is just as surprised as the others are. He expects Taeyeon but not Taeyeon and company.

No one really knows that Kwon Jiyong is Taeyeon’s ex-boyfriend and when Kibum tries to explain the situation, Jiyong steals some glances at Taeyeon and Taeyeon only shrugs her shoulders. The two were always under the radar. No one really knew about the two of them. They liked it better that way. They went from hookups to significant others in a matter of months. Jiyong has a way with his finger and Taeyeon is always amazed by experience.

Jiyong shows them around his house. When Wheein tries to figure out the connection, Taeyeon interrupts with the fact that they're college friends. She doesn't imply that they are firends under the sheets. They are intimate people who lace their fingers together. But when she tours around in his home, she can't help but feel proud for the guy. He's done some of the impossible and the results are right there in front of him. Her ex has a beautiful life and she's happy for him. When the others disappear into his extra room, they eye each other down. There's a sly grin on his lips and an intrigued smile on hers. Taeyeon exchanges her innocent happiness for the thirst of lust.

“I haven’t seen you in so long,” Jiyong comments. It’s a yearning of some kind. There is something about it that she can’t figure out. They broke up because things were never going to work out. Taeyeon had a fear of missing out on things and Jiyong couldn’t stay long enough when she needed him. They were in bad places and there are times when she wonders what he’s up to. They stop speaking though and she has memories with a stranger. He sits on the couch, she joins him, and they don’t do anything. They both want to do something though. It's so painfully obvious. She lays her head on his shoulder. They don’t say anything because their ending is tragic.

“Have you found someone else?” she asks. She remembers the nights when they hooked up and she pathetically would tell him not to disappear on her. Her insecurities became the biggest things in her life, and she over thought every text they ever sent.

It’s still a problem that she deals with. He shakes his head, runs a finger through her hair and she smiles softly. She misses this. She knows they might just go into his room and have and never see each other again. That's how the two of them are. He gets what he wants. She gives him whatever he needs. It’s a tragedy of some sort because she develops feelings for a boy who doesn’t have any. Their hookups always meant something to her. Sometimes, he lusted after her and other days she found him the most attractive person on the planet.

Tonight is one of those nights.

She's on top of him. The old feelings resurfaced and there are reasons why she fell for him. His hands roam around her body and while the others are talking among themselves, these two are trying to get rid of the spark that still lights up in the middle of the night. Jiyong pulls her off, bites her lips, slyly leaves his tongue in and it’s almost as perfect as she remembers. He tries to take off her shirt. He tries to get her back to the place they used to be.

Taeyeon doesn’t want a repeat of the past, and when he tries to start something more, she pulls away and laughs. It's in that moment of fliration that she realizes that she's chasing after a past that can't be recreated. C’est la vie at its finest. It's not sad. It's not bad. It's just something she notices and she knows it's a temporary thing. They didn't work in the past. They won't work now.

“Let’s not have the past repeat itself,” she finishes. Jiyong, who still looks beautiful as he did before, only smiles as well. They both know that this isn’t the best for each other. It’s easy to stop something with someone who knows where it will end up. “You can find someone on Tinder for that,” she playfully jokes around.

“They won’t be as good as you though,” he sweet talks. And she’s sure someone would want something to do with him, but she’s still trying to get rid of her old Tinder guys, and she knows the plays that these guys come up with. Jiyong always had a thing for good . “Besides, you were always so good with your tongue.”

“Oh, shut that stupid mouth of yours,” she shoots back.

“I haven't met a girl like you in a long time.”

He tries again and Taeyeon would have fallen for that. She would have.

“You probably won't.”

“I've missed you.”

It's some kind of dejavu. They laugh and Jiyong pulls her closer to him, trying to catch up in their lives. It comes naturally. Jiyong tells her about his life after college while Taeyeon tells him about her job and everything after. They're both different people. Six years really does change someone.

Even after a makeout session, the two only smile at each other and he tells her he’s going to bed while Taeyeon nods him away. She sits on the couch, wondering why she still thought about him when things have completely ended. Because Jiyong and her hook up so many times that whenever she thinks of someone else, it doesn't feel right. She doesn't blame Jiyong for anything. She wants the best for him, but she just looks around his home and wonders if they could have lasted. Then she shakes her head. There is no way they could have lasted.

If she was younger, she'd probably cry because she kept screwing up. But they both wanted that old flame in their lives. She craved for attention and Jiyong was willing to give it to her in all the right ways. And they're older and desensitized by things like this. Jiyong comes downstairs once more and tells her goodnight. It's kind and sweet. She smiles.

It’s on nights like these does she realize that she’s a completely different person. If she stayed in the past, they would have hooked up once again. She would have thought that they could be something. She would wake up in the morning knowing her mistake. Jiyong was never going to stay. When she looks at her reflection in the mirror, she smiles. This isn’t the same old Taeyeon with the blonde hair. No, it's the reflection of a woman who has learned her lesson from years ago. There’s nothing to be afraid of now.

She follows suit, going upstairs to where Kibum and others lie. She tries to tiptoe into the darkness, but Kibum who is still up stares back at her with cat-like eyes.

“You never told me about Jiyong,” he whispers, afraid to wake up the other two. It’s another secret that he doesn’t hide in his pockets. They always share their college secrets, but for once, Taeyeon slips it under the table. The glances that Jiyong and Taeyeon share go unnoticed, the memories they used to have tiptoes in the night, and when Kibum notices how her head tilts to the side, how she brightens up when she saw him tonight, he knows that there used to be something there. He’s not angered or betrayed. He just states the obvious. Because what Taeyeon keeps private, she'll share when she's ready.

“We were pretty low key the whole time we were dating,” she answers. There is a moment when Taeyeon thinks that she’ll reveal everything. She thinks that she’ll spill that they met at a frat party, or how he ended up being in one of her core classes, and how they studied until it was three in the morning in the library. She thinks that she’ll let Kibum know that they never wanted to be anything more than on the low couple because there was always something scary letting people know. It never comes out though and Kibum just looks at her petrified eyes.

“Are you alright?” Kibum asks.

And there is something about his question that keeps her okay. She sits on the windowsill, looks at her concerned friend, and even though she can see the age in him, (six years is a long time) she still thinks of her college buddy as the one who always got her out of trouble. Today isn’t one of those days. She hugs herself, looks at him with a sparkle that’s been missing for a while and smiles.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”

Because, Taeyeon finally sees herself in a different light. It’s subtle and odd, not an important detail in a lot of people’s lives. It's a small realization that things will change and she will change too.