Eight.
Angel In Disguise
"Tell us why, Jonghyun."
"What are you talking about, sir?"
"What are you talking about, sir?"
"Tell us why you did it."
Tell him.
Tell him?
Why should I tell him anything?
He doesn't see me as a real person;
He doesn't show me any respect.
He doesn't show me any respect.
So why should I tell him anything?
"And...what if I don't, sir?"
"Don't make me walk to the corner of the room and get the gun again, son. Let's just make things easier...for both our sakes."
"That's a kind sentiment, sir,
But, unfortunately, I can't tell you what happened."
"Excuse me? I...I don't think I heard you correctly.
Run that by me again, would you?"
"Of course, sir.
I said that I can't tell you what happened."
"And...and why the hell not?" he asks with a rapidly reddening face and a tone of acidic annoyance.
"Because...you...you wouldn't...understand..."
"I've been an officer for many years, son. I've dealt with many sick souls and messed up minds - criminals even more disgusting than yourself. So, I'm going to have to disagree with you.
Now, stop this nonsense and tell me why you killed Kim Kibum."
No.
No!
Now, stop this nonsense and tell me why you killed Kim Kibum."
No.
No!
I refuse.
He won't understand...
No one will understand...
Because even I don't fully understand
The reason why I killed Kim Kibum.
I was overrun with a bombardment of emotions,
Caught up in a barrage fueled by a sense of mistrust and jealousy.
How could I possibly explain that to this man -
This man who has probably never known the rush of adrenalin
That comes from standing on the edge:
The edge of your judgment
And the edge of your sanity.
"Jonghyun, wait...please..." he said.
But I didn't wait.
I didn't stop to think
About what would happen
If I let myself go.
"I have been waiting, Kibum," I said in return,
"I've been waiting for a long time..."
And I had been.
But all that time...
All that time I was waiting...
Seemed like nothing
Compared to the amount of time
I wished to keep him at my side.
"No...please...no," he begged.
But I disregarded his begging -
I disregarded it altogether.
"You don't love me anymore," I accused.
And he stared into my eyes
And sobbed.
But I ignored his tears,
And only focused on my rage.
I ignored his fear
And the aching pain in his heart
Brought about by my cold words.
"No, Jonghyun, no! I love you...I've always loved you," he had replied with his hands covering his eyes.
He was hiding his tears from me,
But he knew it was no use.
He knew that I knew he was crying,
And he knew that I felt no sympathy for him.
He knew what was coming next for him,
But he didn't want to think of me like that -
He didn't want to think of me as a cold, murderous menace.
He wanted to think of me as the sensitive and caring boy he had fallen in love with.
But in that moment,
That boy had disappeared
And he was replaced
By a demon -
By a monster.
"Jonghyun, put it down," he pleaded.
But the glitter of the blade
And the glitter of his tears
Blinded me;
Made me oblivious;
Disoriented me fully.
But all of that does not constitute a cold hearted murder.
These things don't add up in my mind as reasons why...
Reasons why I commited my crime -
Why I spilt his innocent blood.
None of these things explain my actions.
My actions were the response of something deeper...
Something I do not understand -
Something I cannot understand -
Something I must come to understand.
"I'm waiting, son."
"Sir, I...I just...just can't..."
"Alright, kid. Alright. I'm going to give you...one more chance.
And this time, if you refuse to answer my question, you will have to stand trial."
He can give you all the chances he wants, Jonghyun,
But no matter how many chances you get,
You will never be able to answer him -
Not until you know the answer yourself.
So what are you going to tell him, Jonghyun?
What could you possibly tell him?
"Sir...I...I..."
"Don't say you can't. Don't even think about telling me that you can't..."
"But that's the truth, sir! I can't say why I killed him because...because I don't...don't know why I killed him.
I don't know why, sir.
I just...I just did.
And there's nothing more to it.
So...can you please just...drop it?"
"Oh, I can drop it, sure,
But the court can't drop it.
You had your chance, son. And now your fate will be in the hands of the judge."
Fate.
She has never been on my side.
Taking my family from me -
Taking my friend from me -
Taking my rationality from me.
And now she will be at a judge's disposal?
If fate was not kind to you before...
What makes you think she will be kind to you now, Jonghyun?
What makes you believe that?
What makes you think she will be kind to you now, Jonghyun?
What makes you believe that?
Faith? Hope?
Please.
There's no such thing.
Please.
There's no such thing.
Those are wishful words only spoken by the weak.
Faith cannot be seen; faith cannot be touched; faith does not exist.
Hope.
She left you the very day you were born - reborn - nine years ago.
She no longer shows her face to you, Jonghyun.
She's hidden herself away from you,
Forever
And for all eternity.
Now she and fate are hiding away together,
And they are comfortable in their anonymity.
And you will never find them;
No matter how hard you try,
You will never find them.
So what chance do you have in a court of law, Jonghyun?
What chance do you have?
None.
You have no chance.
Do you hear me?
You have no chance,
For chance has hidden her face behind a carefully crafted mask
And is making her way to the lair where fate and hope reside -
And the three of them will laugh their cackling and wicked laughs
And watch contently as your body burns in the fires of misfortune
And your soul is delivered to the gate keeper of the underworld.
"You sure have made this a tedious task, kid.
And to think - the only reason I came here is because I was told that you were being falsely accused.
'He is not to blame for Kibum's murder,' she said -
'If it hadn't have been for him...for Choi Minho...,' she said -
Well, let me tell you something, son,
I spoke with Choi Minho, and he was as articulate and factually accurate as a masterful politician.
If it hadn't been for Choi Minho my .
I came here because I was told that we could be running to a dead end -
Following a false trail;
But after spending this incredibly difficult interrogation session with you,
And to think - the only reason I came here is because I was told that you were being falsely accused.
'He is not to blame for Kibum's murder,' she said -
'If it hadn't have been for him...for Choi Minho...,' she said -
Well, let me tell you something, son,
I spoke with Choi Minho, and he was as articulate and factually accurate as a masterful politician.
If it hadn't been for Choi Minho my .
I came here because I was told that we could be running to a dead end -
Following a false trail;
But after spending this incredibly difficult interrogation session with you,
I strongly beg to differ.
Damn . Doesn't know what she's talking about...
Thinking you're innocent...
If I didn't know any better, I'd say she should be here in the psycho ward instead of you."
Damn . Doesn't know what she's talking about...
Thinking you're innocent...
If I didn't know any better, I'd say she should be here in the psycho ward instead of you."
She.
She...?
She...?
Who is this 'she'
And why does she think
That I am worthy of salvation?
"Sir...who...who said this to you?"
"I...I don't remember her name.
I think it was...no, wait...that's not it. No matter.
All she said was that she was certain you were innocent.
Well, I think that she needs to get her head checked because, let me tell you, son, I picked you as guilty right from the start.
I know you're guilty.
The way you pounced at me...
It was...
Inhuman.
The way you answer me...
Your words...
Are so cold.
Tell me, is your heart as cold as your words?
Is it difficult to stand upright with a heart of stone in your chest?"
Who could 'she' be...
And why...why would she think...
That I should not be blamed?
Who is 'she'?
"Disregarding me again, are you?
Let's get out of here, boys. I've had enough of this kid and his insolence."
And with that, the chief's comrades exit the room, single file, like a group of ants.
And as the chief puts his hand on the door handle, he turns around and says demeaningly:
"Good luck to you, son.
You're going to need it."
With these words, the chief closes the door,
And, in a matter of seconds, I hear the large lock on the outside of the door click.
I am now alone.
I can breathe.
I can relax.
Everything is alright...
I am alone again.
But...why does the silence seem so unfriendly?
Why is the quiet casting me away?
This place...this place that once was my safe haven
Has now turned into a graveyard for goodness.
I've always been so comfortable being alone.
Why is it that now, more than ever,
I am longing for someone to stand by my side?
And, furthermore,
Why is it that you -
A person who has been cast away by the very emptiness the encompasses reality itself -
Deserve to be forgiven;
Purified;
Cleared of blame?
Who is this 'she' that has put her faith in your freedom?
Faith.
She may have faith...
But you, Jonghyun, certainly do not...
And you certainly cannot...
Ever again.
For you have committed a crime...
And criminals don't deserve to be consoled
By faith and her loving arms.
Who could 'she' be?
You have known no females on a personal or intimate level...
So why, then, is your secret savior a female?
Why...?
How...?
Oh...oh my.
I...I think...I know...
Yes,
I think I know.
But why...why would she...?
No, no...it can't be her...
Why would she...?
She never knew me.
She only knew him...
She only knew him...
How could she...
How could she possibly...believe...that I'm...?
It can't be her, Jonghyun.
It just...it just...can't be.
Or...or could it...?
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