One.
Angel In Disguise
White walls.
White walls all around.
Nothing but whiteness.
White gloves, white clothes, white lights.
Light.
Where is the light?
Where is it coming from?
There are no windows here.
There is no light here.
Here.
Where is here?
And, more importantly, why am I here?
Oh, right.
I remember.
Remembrance.
What a torturous tool.
Tease me more.
Break me more - I dare you.
I'm ready.
Do you hear me?
I'm ready.
"Kim Jonghyun," calls a voice.
I do not look up. I much prefer hanging my head and looking at the floor - the white floor.
Why is the floor white anyway? Isn't white the color of purity and piety?
Then why make this floor white? Nobody in this place is worthy of salvation.
"Kim Jonghyun," the voice calls again in the same apathetic tone.
I wish he would not speak.
He is interfering with the other voices - the voices that actually matter.
"Listen to me. Do you hear me?" (No.)
"You wouldn't have responded if you didn't hear me, stupid." (Silence.)
"Listen to me. You don't have to reply to my words, but you must listen. Can you do that for me, Jonghyun?" (Silence.)
"You're not anything you say you are. You're not irrational. You're not demonic. And you're most certainly not heartless. You're open and truthful and passionate. You're genuine and faithful and true. You're everything a person could ever desire to be, Jonghyun. Don't you ever let yourself forget that. Do you hear me? Don't forget that."
I didn't forget that.
I couldn't forget that.
I just wish I could.
It would make all of this so much easier.
"Kim Jonghyun," the voice booms again, this time with irritation overtaking the passivity that once hung about his words.
I growl at these words.
I hate that name.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Why does Kim Jonghyun deserve to live?
Why does Kim Jonghyun get to breathe and be paralyzed by memories when he doesn't?
Why does Kim Jonghyun deserve to live?
"If you don't answer me," the voice starts again, "I swear I'll..."
"YOU'LL WHAT?" I scream loudly, viciously.
I throw my head up from its hanging position and glare at the man, whose expression is now one of sheer shock.
I can smell his fear.
Oh, how I long to tear him apart!
How I long to break his neck and watch him bleed!
But I can do nothing.
I am restrained.
I am tied down.
I am chained.
"Take a breath, son. Just breathe like they told you to do. Everything will be alright..."
"SHUT UP! WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP? Do you even know what you're saying? Nothing is right. Nothing will ever be right!"
I want to tear him to pieces.
Please, God, if you really do exist, please break these chains.
I can't stand this anymore. I just want to be alone.
Please, God. Give me solitude.
That's all I ask for.
"Listen to me carefully, Jonghyun. I will leave you alone as soon as you answer me one question - just one question. Can you do that for me, Jonghyun?"
Just do it, Jonghyun.
He says he will leave.
But can you trust him?
Who can you trust?
You can't trust anyone
And no one can trust you either.
What are you going to do, Jonghyun?
Make up your mind.
"If I do this..." I begin slowly, trying ever so hard to control my rage, "Will you leave me alone - really leave me alone?"
"Yes, Jonghyun. I will disappear and you will never see me again."
Just answer him, Jonghyun. You want to be alone, don't you?
Then just answer his damn question.
Just get it over with, Jonghyun.
Stop hesitating.
"What...what do you want to know?"
"Can you tell me...,"
He pauses.
Then he looks directly into my eyes.
I look away instantly.
Nobody can look into my eyes.
I can't steal anyone else's innonce.
I can't break another person's heart.
I can't take another person's life.
Nobody can look into my eyes.
"Can you tell me...why...why you're here?"
Snap.
Something inside of my head.
Just snapped.
Breathe, Jonghyun. Breathe just how they taught you.
Inhale and exhale. Good, now once more.
No, NO. Shut up. SHUT UP!
Why are you here?
You know very well why you're here.
You're a monster.
You're a sinner.
You're a murderer.
And no murderer can escape the thrill of the kill.
"I'm...I'm....I'm going to...going to...GOING TO KILL YOU!"
I lash and tug mercilessly at the plastic chains that hold me to the walls -
Those damned, damned white walls.
I have already killed one person,
The only person who ever meant anything to me.
What would it matter if I killed another?
If your hands are already stained, what's the harm in staining them further?
The man just stands still, petrified.
He is horrorified.
He is afraid of me.
He thinks I'm a monster.
A sinner.
A murder.
Psychotic.
Let him think what he wants.
His thoughts will all cease to exist once I destroy him.
"Please, Jonghyun, you must relax. You must answer this question. Please..."
"YOU WANT AN ANSWER?" I shout as my wrists begin to bleed and sweat begins to blur my vision, "WELL, DO YOU? DO YOU?"
"I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M A MURDERER! I killed him! I murdered him! I looked in his eyes while I stabbed him and I drank his blood when I was finished!
I'm a cold hearted murderer.
I'm a filthy, bloodthirsty animal.
And he was the only thing that mattered to me!
I killed the only thing that ever mattered.
And now...
I want to kill you!"
I continue to writhe in the chains and glare at the man murderously.
Who are you?
Who are you now, Jonghyun?
What have you become?
After the man watches me pitifully attempt to escape for a few moments more, he makes his way to the door.
As the door closes behind the man, I fall forward.
This time, the chains are not there to restrict my fall.
My face hits the ground hard,
And the pain is somewhat comforting.
As I lay there - face on the floor, heart beating uncontrollably, blood flowing feverishly - I close my eyes and let my mind wander.
What have you done, Jonghyun?
What have you done to yourself?
Why did you do it, Jonghyun?
Why did you do it?
Look at you now.
You're not right, Jonghyun.
No, you're not right at all.
What would he say to you if he saw you like this?
Would he even bother looking at you?
No, no he wouldn't.
You're not worth looking at.
Because of you, you're all alone.
Because of you, he's gone.
He's gone, Jonghyun. Do you understand?
He's gone.
He's dead, Jonghyun.
He's dead because of you.
He's lying alone in a grave because of you.
How can you even hope to be forgiven?
One thing's for sure, Jonghyun:
You're a monster.
Yes, you're a monster.
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