It's been two days since the police chief came to interrogate me -
Two very long, harrowing days.

For the past two days,
I have been helpless
To the constant barrage of memories
And the constant cascade of tears.

I hate remembering the times we shared -
I hate it so much.

I hate remembering the good times
Because I hate remembering the sight of his smiling face -
And I hate knowing that because of my irrationality,
I will never be able to see the same shining light
That came from his smile
In this world
Ever again.

I hate remembering the bad times
Because they seem to constitute my actions.

Why have I been plagued with these memories?
Why have I been cursed to remember?
Why can't I just forget?
Why, God...
Why?
Why won't you let me forget?


Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.


"Who's there?" I ask irritatedly.
I hate being disturbed in the middle of losing my mind.

The person behind the door does not respond.
He simply unlocks it,
Opens it,
And steps into the room.

"Who are you?" I ask the strange man.
He still does not respond.
He just walks up to the wall -
The wall that keeps me restricted,
Tied down -
And places an envelope in my hands,
All the while keeping his gaze away from mine.

He then turns around
And hastily makes his way to the door.

Before I know it,
The door is closed
And locked
And I am left alone.


I look at the envelope in my hands.
There is nothing written on the outside of the envelope.
This makes me curious as to what the contents of the envelope could possibly be.

Slowly, carefully, I tear it open.
Inside is a notice -
A court notice.

This is a court notice informing the accused, Kim Jonghyun, that he is to stand trial on the date of November 12, 2009.

November 12?
Why, that's soon, isn't it?
What day is it today?

After being alone for so long -
Trapped by my regrets and memories,
Locked inside this cell -
I have lost all track of time.

At the bottom of the letter are the words
Received: November 10, 2009.

That means that today is November 10th -
That means that I am to stand trial in two days -
In only two days.

Oh, Lord.
I'm not...I'm not ready for this.
I haven't recovered enough of my sanity to stand trial.
Surely I'll be convicted!
A person like me has no chance in a court of law.

What am I to do?
What could I possibly do?
I don't even have a lawyer...


Just as this thought sends me into cardiac arrest,
There comes another knock at the door.

"Who's there?" I ask with panic overridden in my voice.

"Kim Jae Yeon," answers a voice from behind the door, "Your lawyer."

The lawyer opens the door and enters the cell.
In his right hand is a file,
And in his left is a large, black brief case.

"You're...my lawyer?" I ask in both surprise and relief.

"Indeed I am, son.
Don't worry about a thing," he says as he places his brief case on the floor of my cell and opens his file.
"If you do exactly as I say, perhaps we can salvage this case."


I'm not sure if I like this lawyer.
His movements seem too stiff...
Too...planned...
Too...posed.

There is no light in his eyes.
While he gives off an aura of strength
And seems to have quite an honorable reputation,
His posture and manner of speech make me believe
That he has never known the feeling of true sacrifice -
The feeling that comes with loving someone else
More than you love yourself.

Kim Jae Yeon seems to only love himself -
To only care about himself,
His own well being,
And his reputation.


"Now, Kim Jonghyun..." the lawyer says as he sits down on the ground.
 

I feel sort of sorry for the lawyer;
He is an older man
And he should be sitting in a chair.
 

I wish I had a chair to offer him.

But people like me do not deserve
To have comfortable accommodations such as chairs.
We are only deserving of the cold, hard concrete floor
And the claustrophobic white walls that eat away at our sanity.


"Before we can get anywhere with this case, you're going to have to answer me a few questions -
And you're going to have to answer them honestly.
Understand?"

"Of course, sir," I answer with fear in my heart, "Ask away."


"Was there anyone around to witness the murder?"

"No, sir. There wasn't."


"Where did you kill him?"

"In...in his bedroom, sir."


"What time of day did you kill him?"

"It was...late...late at night. I don't...I don't exactly remember what time..."


"What weapon did you use?"

"A knife, sir."


"Where did you get the knife?"

"From the kitchen. I...I had it...under his pillow..."


"Under his pillow? So, you were waiting for him?"

"I was, sir. I...I had been waiting for him for a long time. And he...it took him so long to come back..."


"Where was he?"

"He was...out...with...with someone else..."


"Is that why?" the lawyer asks with piercing passivity in his voice.

"What...what do you mean, sir?"


"Is that why you murdered Kim Kibum?"

"Sir..."


"Tell me, son," the lawyer says while finally looking at my face,
"Why did you murder Kim Kibum?"


"I...I can't answer that question, sir."


"And...and why not?"

"Because...I don't know why, sir."

"What do you mean...you don't know...why?"

"I just...don't know why, sir."

"You have no guess? No intuition?"

"No, sir."


"Oh, come on now! You had to have had an ulterior motive! Tell me, son, did Kim Kibum do anything to you? Did he do anything to make you...angry...fearful...distraught?"


Did Kibum do anything?
DID KIBUM DO ANYTHING?
How can you be so stupid, sir?
Of course Kibum did something.
He did something terrible...
Something that...
Broke my heart...
Paralyzed my judgment...
And stole my sanity.


"Sir..."

"Yes, son?"

"He...he did do...something..."


"What did he do, son?"


I have to stop pretending like it never happened -

It did happen.

I have to stop trying to forget that it happened.
I have tried to erase the memory for too long.
The memory will never go away -
It will only tease me for the rest of my life.

My only escape
Is to tell the truth.


"Well, sir, this is how it happened..."