I'm so close.

The blade is resting on my neck.

Adrenaline is coursing through my veins.

Sweat is forming on my forehead,
And tears are gathering in the corners of my eyes.

I'm so close to the end...I can almost feel my heart stopping.

So why can't I do it?

Why can't I complete the deed?


Now's my chance -
I won't have to watch him cry over my death,
And I won't feel any guilt for leaving him like this.
 

Why can't I just get it over with?

What's stopping me?


Just do it, Jonghyun!
Stop wasting your time!
It's now or never.


No, don't do it, Jonghyun.
Please, for once, keep sight of your sanity -
Reach for your rationality -
Please, Jonghyun,
Restrain yourself -
Keep in control.


No, dammit! No!
I can't take it any longer -
I want to just get it over with.
That's exactly what I'm going to do -
I'm going to end everything.

But...but why is my body not responding?
Why can't I move?
Why can't I just get it over with?

Please, God, just...finish me now.

There's no point in living anymore...

Life is worth nothing
If all that will come for me,
All that will find me,
All that will reach for me,
Is constant suffering and dissatisfaction.

Just take it all away, God.
That's all I ask for.
Please,
Finish me.


I press the blade harder onto my throat,
And just as I do,
The sound of an exasperated shout echos throughout the room.


"Jonghyun, no!" the panicked voice cries, "Put it down!"

"I can't!" I shout out to the voice, "I...I have to do this..."

"No you don't, Jonghyun," the voice shouts in return, "Please, please...put it down...please!"

"No! I have to do this. I...I'm going to..."


But before I can finish my sentence,
I feel two hands grab my shoulders
And begin to shake my body into submission.

I don't see the face of the person to which the hands belong.
My vision blurs slightly
As the tears that were once huddled together in the corners of my eyes
Roll heavily down my cheeks.
Soon, I can no longer see what is in front of me,
And a sense of inescapable fear dominates my rational mind.


I am no longer Kim Jonghyun;
I have become someone else:
A demon -
A sinner -
A monster.

And with this knowledge,
I quickly shake the hands from my shoulders,
Take the knife that was once tempting me to slice the threads of my very existence,
And cut the hand that is reaching out to take the knife away from my grasp.

The next thing I see
Is a familiar figure falling to the floor in pain -
Screaming, sobbing -
As the blood flows from the deep gash in his hand.


Oh...my...God.
I've...
I've hurt him...

I've hurt Kibum.


The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him!
I wanted to finish myself quickly
So he could move on just as quickly
And find...someone...else.

But in trying to help him,
I've only ended up hurting him.

What have I done?

 

"Kibum...I...I didn't mean to..."

He does not answer me;
He cannot answer me.

All he can do is writhe on the floor in pain
As blood continues to run down his hands -
His soft, cherubic hands -
And stain the floor beneath him.

 

"Hold on, Kibum...hold on! I'll fix this! I'll make everything right..."
 

But quick thinking isn't necessarily effective thinking.
In my state of severe confusion and bewilderment,
I remove my t-shirt from my body,
Wrap it around his hand,
And apply constant pressure to the wound.

I know that the pressure is killing him,
For he screams louder and more desperately when I begin compressing the wound;
But I know this is all I can do
To stop the bleeding
And save his life.


Soon, his sobs begin to settle
And his tears stop streaming down his face.
It is then that I know he will be alright,
That he will live.
 

I lift his now limp and frail body up from the floor
And carry it to the large red couch,
Where we once sat
And told each other about ourselves -
About the pains of our pasts,
About our desires for the present,
And and about our hopes for the future.

At the time, this couch seemed like such a divine place.
But now -
Now that I am laying his wrongfully injured body on its familiarly soft cushions -
It seems to be a place of maniacal misfortune
And satanic serenity.


We sit on the couch -
Together,
In silence -
For quite some time...
Until, finally,
He speaks.

 

"Jonghyun...why...?"


"Kibum..."


"Why did you...how could you...?"


"Oh, Kibum..."


"Why would you even...even think about...killing yourself?"


He looks at me
With the honest and sincere stare
That I have come to know
And slightly fear.

It is the same stare
He used to stare at me
Back when the feelings we shared were still mutual -
Back when we were not just Kibum and Jonghyun,
But back when we were together -
Back when we were 'us.'


"Oh, Kibum! I...I don't know why! I don't know why I do anything anymore.
Kibum, don't you understand?
I'm irrational! I'm demonic! I'm heartless.
How could you have not seen that?
You with your stare...your stare that...reads me, deciphers my every thought...
How could you have not seen that I am...what I am?"


I cannot hold back my tears any longer.
 

I hate myself.
I hate myself now more than I have ever hated myself before.
 

I cry because I am ashamed;
I am ashamed to call myself Kim Jonghyun.
I am ashamed to still be breathing.

 

"Jonghyun...listen to me. Do you hear me?"


Of course I hear him...
But I feel guilty hearing his words.

I'm not worthy to be in his presence.

He is so pure,
And I am so tainted -
So soiled.

I'm not deserving of hearing his words...


"No," I answer softly as I look down at my feet.


"You wouldn't have responded if you didn't hear me, stupid," he says as he places his hand, his unharmed hand, on my knee.


Stupid.
That's what I am.
Stupid.

I'm too stupid for him.

I don't deserve to be near him;
I don't deserve to be in his presence.
 

Then why am I enjoying him so much?

I shouldn't be...enjoying...him.

It is a sin
For someone as evil, as heartless, as I
To fancy someone as angelic as him.


"Listen to me," he says as he places his hand, his bandaged and broken hand, on the side of my neck -
"You don't have to reply to my words, but you must listen. Can you do that for me, Jonghyun?"


I nod my head in reply.
I want to listen to his words,
And I want to hear them well.

I know that I am unworthy to hear him speak,
But my sinful heart would rather spend years in hellish torment
Than disregard him altogether.


"You're not anything you say you are.
You're not irrational.
You're not demonic.
And you're most certainly not heartless.

You're open and truthful and passionate.
You're genuine and faithful and true.
You're everything a person could ever hope to be, Jonghyun!

And don't you ever let yourself forget that.

Do you hear me?

Don't forget that."

 

Does he really mean what he says?


I...I can't possibly be...good...
Can I?

 

"Kibum...do you...do you...?"


"Yes, Jonghyun. Yes.

I meant every word.

I...I don't know what I'd do without you.
That's why...I had...to stop you."
 

Suddenly, I feel my heart begin to beat faster
And my mind begin to blur.

I recognize this feeling instantly:
It is the same feeling I felt
When I first came to the realization
That I loved Kim Kibum.
 

Does this mean...
That I...?

 

"I...I love you, Kibum."


I don't hear myself say the words,
And yet,
I know that I have said them.


I'm...falling back in love with him.


I don't care how wrong it is to love him.
I don't care that I'm risking burning in eternal fires
Or being surrounded by eternal blackness for the rest of my supernatural life -
As of right now,
While I am still living my life on Earth,
I want to love Kim Kibum.

Loving him, just for this short amount of time...will be worth all the years of torture that I am sure to face in the future.


"I love you too, Jonghyun," he says as he leans his face closer to mine.


"I...I want to kiss you now, Kibum," I say as I, in turn, lean my face closer to his.


"I want to kiss you too, Jonghyun."


And with that,
The space between our faces grows smaller and smaller
Until our lips are finally touching
After many days of separation.

 

"Kibum...I have...to tell you something."

"What is it, Jonghyun?"
 

"I...I can't lie to you..."


"What do you mean, Jonghyun?"


"I...I wanted to kill myself because...I thought I didn't love you anymore.
My heart told me to forget about you -
To leave you...to run away from you...
But my mind wouldn't let me forget you.

I was going crazy like that, Kibum.
And that's...why I tried to do it."

 

"Jonghyun...

What...what did I do...

To make you not...love me anymore?"
 

I look into his eyes.

It is the first time that Kibum's stare is not present.

His stare has retreated to a place far away,
A place hidden in the deepest part of his heart.

He is now looking back at me with eyes full of self-hatred
And full of sorrow.

 

"I...I didn't have the heart to tell you before, Kibum. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't...brave enough...strong enough.
But I'm ready to tell you now.
I should have told you sooner.
Maybe all of this...would have been prevented...if I had just told you."


"Don't dwell on the past, Jonghyun. There's nothing either of us can do to fix what happened.

Let's just...make everything right now.

Please, tell me...what...happened?"

 

Despite himself,
Kibum begins to cry.

I take his hand -
The hand I destroyed -
In my own,
And just watch the tears roll down his cheeks.


No more lying.
No more hiding.
I'm ready to tell him everything.

 

"That night...you got drunk...
You...you did something, Kibum.
Something that, no matter how hard I tried to forget, I...I couldn't.
And believe me, Kibum, I tried to forget.

I hated thinking of you like that, Kibum;
I didn't want to think of you like that.

I still loved you...
I still wanted to love you -
But my heart kept telling me that I couldn't love someone...
Someone who would...use me..."


"Oh, God..." Kibum whispers as he hangs his head and allows his sobs to become louder and more frequent.


"That night...you...
You tried to...
To me, Kibum.

And if I hadn't pushed you off of me...
You would have done it."

 

I don't mean to,
But I start crying again too.

I just let my head fall down
And let my tears drop to the floor,
The same floor where his blood has made a home.

My tears
And his blood
Will become one,
Their memory forever enduring together -
Together in this sacred and sinful sanctuary.

 

"Oh, Jonghyun! I...I'm so sorry," he sobs as he shamefully grabs my shoulders and pulls me into his warm embrace -

"I'm so sorry I did this to you!
I...I can't believe...

I never meant to hurt you like this.

Please, forgive me, Jonghyun...
Forgive me...please."


"Kibum..." I say, hushing him, as I move my hand to the back of his head, positioning it so his eyes are looking directly into mine,
"If anyone should be asking for forgiveness, it's me.
I'm sorry for not...being truthful...about everything.
And I'm sorry...for...hurting you..."


"You're forgiven, Jonghyun. Don't you think any more of it, okay?"

"Okay," I comply as I rest my forehead against his.

 

"Kibum...I...
I want to kiss you again."
 

"Please do, Jonghyun.
Please do."


And for the first time in days,
I smile.

I smile a genuine, happy smile.


I close my eyes
And lean my entire body closer to his.


But just as our lips are about to make contact...

A knock is heard at the door.